I am now sitting here
On my chair
The chair that's slowly killing me
As I sit on it day by day

I wait for your message
For your words are worth waiting for
Because they remind me of your voice
The voice of peace

But what it brought was not what I thought
I knew it would happen
I cannot run away from it any longer
But the truth hurts too much

Yes, you are worth it
Yes, I love you very much
Yes, you help me find my way in this world
But you just gave me the most subtle no

I hate it that we can't be
I hate it that age is an issue
For age is just a number telling you
The chance of how close death is

I hate it that the world doesn't let me
I hate it that my house doesn't love me
I hate it that I can't do anything about it
But there are few things I can't hate

Why does everyone always think I'm in love?
Sure, it looks like it.
The signals all point to it.
When I see her, I smile
When I hear her, I smile

When I think of her, I smile

Yes, those are clear aspects as to why I love her.
Well, I'm not capable of love
I don't know how to love
I don't know how to be in love
I don't know what love feels like

I don't know what love is

And yet, this one time, I thought I finally knew
It isn't what a dictionary tells you
Nothing can compare to the real feeling
Words cannot explain what love is.
However, words can build love
Words can build trust

But words can destroy these as well

I cant love, at all
That's obvious of course,
You have to speak from experience
And I tried, I did, I really tried
And not only did i fail

I failed twice

I tried too less and I tried too much
I don't know what exactly 'enough' is
But I guess "there is never enough"
Does not apply for love
I lost both wars and now there's one left to face

But that is a story for another time

They say "home is where the heart is"
Whoever 'they' are I hope they're wrong or are they right?
If they're right, then my heart is toxic and horrible
And I perfectly agree with that
No one should be poisoned by the toxic waste inside me

So i tried to give it away, to see if someone would love
A toxic heart

Looking back now, I saw how bad of an idea that was
Who would love a heart that was not only disgusting, but was deadly
I've made a mistake, two mistakes that outweigh all the other mistakes I've made
It's hard to make mistakes like this
They hurt, bad.
So to summarize it all,

Never give harmful things to others

So don't say I'm in love
I didn't even fall out of it
I was pushed away from it
And I guess I deserved it

But I do know the dictionary definition of love
It sums up all the things I know and deserve
So what do I deserve?

love - n. (tennis)

I know you are looking for me
I know you are here
I know you know who I am
Because I told you
But not directly

If you find me here, I am so sorry
I wrote my heart out here for the world to see
Whether or not they would like it
But I never meant for you to see it
But it's too late for that now, is it?

If you are offended, I am very sorry
I don't want it to destroy our relationship
Not that we already have a relationship
And I don't think we will ever have one
And I deserve all the reactions you will give

Because I love you
No matter what you do
No matter what I do
Whether or not it is requited,
This is unconditional.

And you may hate me for it.
But it's okay.

If our poems are really
Our hearts in words
We just wrote onto the screen

Then why do we care
About the numbers
Our poetry makes

Unless we need to see
What others think
About what is ours alone

I want to see you everyday
I want to be with you everyday
I want to eat with you everyday
I want to smile with you everyday
I want to hold your hand everyday
I want to kiss you everyday
I want to sleep with you every night
I want to cuddle you every night

If I don't see you, I'd rather not see
If I'm not with you, I'd rather not show up to school everyday
If I can't eat with you, I wouldn't eat a single bite
If I can't smile with you, there's no reason to smile
If I can't hold your hand, my hands would be numb
If I can't kiss you, my mouth has no purpose
If I can't sleep with you, I would stay awake every night
If I can't cuddle with you, I'd rather be alone on this bed

I always wanted to hear the words "I love you."
I always wanted to hear the words "I care about you."
I always wanted to hear the words "I want you to stay."
I always wanted to hear the words "It's going to be okay."

I wish that one day, you would see
Why I always try to be with you, no matter what the problem was
I would do anything for you
I hope you would do the same for me

But I fear I am too selfish

letters are nothing more than symbols
just lucky strokes upon a white background that project
memories, feelings, images, experiences

words, spoken words, are nothing more than just sounds
just skin touching more skin vibrating the air around it to produce
grunts, noises, sighs, screeches, music

colors that we see are nothing more than waves of electromagnetic radiation
just light bouncing off of matter to show
beauty, danger, lightness, darkness

everything in this world
You
Me
are just coincidences
just random bits of probability
infinity to one
the chances anything would happen is basically zero
everything at any point could have went wrong

yet
after half the life of eternity
i met you
i read your symbols
i heard your sounds
i saw your light

the right symbols: infinity to one
the right sounds: omega to one
the right light: aleph-null to one

but everything about you was right

and here we are
clearly an impossibility
with our chances infinitely close to zero
every second approaching zero
reaching its limit

and now here
with our chances lining up
virtually never to be
i saw you
and i fell into you

and in one reality every infinity
you fell for me too

if only i was in one of those

I know that from the beginning
Ever since I told you those three words
That you were the one for me
And I hoped you would feel the same way

So we could fight the battles
That we never could
When we were alone
So we can be there for eachother
No matter what

I thought I was confused:
Not only was I in love with you,
I was in love with another as well
And you both wanted me to choose.
But I know that decisions like that are hard to make.

So I tried to fall in love with two people
At the same time
To see if one would also fall for me.
And I tried harder to fall for her, and not you.

I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for wasting your time
On my pointless attempts at love.
Because you knew I was never confused at all.

I fell for the wrong one.
Only now had I realized that.
I was making you wait for what was never to come.
But now you are out of my reach.

And if there is one thing I will regret,
Is that I never got to tell you how much I want you in my arms one more time.

We both know there is a difference between
Being in love and
Love itself.
And since I'm not in love with you,

I would just like to say that I still love you very much and I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
You've waited long enough.

All those messages
All those words
All that love
Wasn't real
It never was real
In fact,

They were never about you anyway

This could very well be
The last time we're ever going to see each other
In a very long while

In fact, we may never see each other again

But tonight,
Just this one night,

Let's pretend that we'll never leave
eachother's side.

Let's pretend that we will keep the promise
That we'll always be there.

Let's pretend that we will and will alway will be
Our missing half.

And let's pretend that we have more day to be together.

So our hearts will know that we will find each other

One more time

Life woke up.

All was nothingness.
Then light sets in.
The absence of darkness
Makes it weep.

Life started to grow.

Controlled by strangers.
Sharing the love they had.
Then they leave.
The absence of them.
Makes it weep.

Life grew longer.

Books, notes, lectures.
Leeching time away.
Then failure comes.
The absence of success.
Makes it weep.

Life adapted.

Friends pushing forward.
Supporting, never leaving.
Then life repeated itself.
The absence of company.
Makes it weep.

Life moved on.

Strangers come and go.
Proud, happy, loving.
Then the truth is revealed.
The absence of trust.
Makes it weep.

Life learned.

The day came to an end.
Loneliness prevailed.
Then life slept again.
The absence of light.
Makes it smile.

I no longer wish to survive in this world, my love*

So that's it then,
That's your punishment

You. Live.

Hello there, my friend.
Or, at least, that's what you want me to believe
But I can't believe it any longer
And as more days go by
The more this friendship seems like a lie

I know I lied to you, my friend.
I have lied about a great many things
So much that I had to tell you the truth
Because the voices in my head told me to
Then everything started to fall

I thought I had ruined it all, my friend
I thought our tower based on friendship fell
So I asked you of its condition
You told me it was upright yet damaged
Without showing my proof nor debris

I wanted to go away that day, my friend
I wanted to end it all to spare you the burden
Of my presence
I told you what I felt
And you protested and told me you cared
So I stayed because I believed you

You've changed a lot, my friend
It's been a long time since you've spent your time
Talking to someone as useless as me
I have become a ghost in your eyes
Always present
Never acknowledged

Very rarely do I see you smile around me anymore, my friend
Very rarely do I feel your care
Even if you said you cared, very much
Our tower based on friendship has fallen
And you want to keep it that way
Because it is not worth rebuilding

Instead of care, I see tolerance
Instead of happiness, I see irritation
Instead of company, I only see presence
I may have lied to you
But I have told you the truth
Because I trust you and hope that you will understand

I want to leave
Everybody wants me to leave
So please do not lie to me
Especially not to the following question:
Do you want me to leave too?

When you get to that point
When you know that you've hit the bottom
And you can't get back up by yourself
You turn to the one you trust the most
The one you love the most
The only one who could help you
And you tell her
And she pushed you away
And she didnt believe you
And she said she was tired of putting up with all of your ****
Abd she said she knows she will be the ******* enemy in the end
And she was sick of it.
No more, she said
So she left you
Left you alone
More alone than ever
And then you think
Then you realize you really have hit the lowest possible point
The lowest point in your whole life
Then you realize your graph doesnt change
Your line never got above the worst
It was always at the bottom
It was only now you realize that you were there the whole time
So you do the only thing to fix it

Why be alive anyway if death was just the same, but the pain will go away.
Forever.

The sun.
Emitting light.
The right amount,
Not enough to blind.
But enough to see,
What was hidden
In the dark.
The truth.

The earth.
Revolving the sun.
Moving farther away,
Moving closer together.
Never far enough
To be free of it's pull.
Never close enough,
To be burned by it's heat.

The moon.
Revolving the earth.
Showing the light,
In times of darkness.
Pulling it towards
The right direction.
A symbol of beauty,
for all the world to see.

The sun,
My light.

The moon,
My guide.

The earth,
My world.

My light, my guide, my world,
My universe.
But the universe has flaws.
Mine has only one.

It has too much space.

I don’t know what we are right now.
We can be of 3 different states.
We change in many different ways.
Never will I think we will stay the same.

Some days we are like solids,
Bound tightly together.
Whatever our form is,
What we are is never regular.

Some nights we are like liquids,
More free to move.
Flowing as if nothing can stop us,
But viscous enough to never let go.

And sometimes we are like gas;
Separated and swift.
We know of our presence,
Regardless how invisible it may be.

Of all of the states,
There is one thing common:
That they need atoms, like us
To make us matter.

The words turned into binary
A random set of on and off signals for the computer to encrypt, send and decrypt
Then they traveled through the net,
Through the nearest server where it sent the words to where it needed to be

Then they showed up as the same words on the other end.
It is there for the world to see.
For the world to judge,
For the world to see who I really am.

I can remove it anytime I wanted to,
But I wanted to know what the world would think.
The world could be amazed.
The world could be insulted.

So I waited and waited,
The minutes turned into hours.
So I gave up and went to sleep.
When I woke, there was disappointment in my head.

There was nothing.
No reaction, good or bad.
I poured my soul into the words on the screen.
The words that defined who I am, who I was, and who I want to be.

The ignorance gave me a new feeling.
No one had taken interest in me.
My life was defined by ignorance
And maybe, ignorance wasn't bliss.

I can't ask for more
This is all I'm getting
30 seconds
That's all the time I have
That's all the time I need
It kills me to say these words
But I will never let the sadness show
Not today. Not ever.
Not to anyone else.
Not anymore.

My impossible girl,
Thank you

*and goodbye

It's time to let you be free
It's time for me to finally let you go
You are no longer trapped with me
You can do whatever you want

You don't need me anymore
You can find someone else
Someone who will stay
Someone better

Run along
Have fun
Be whatever you want
Be whoever you want

Go play the games that I could never enjoy with you.
Go to the beautiful fields that I could never take you.
Go sing the songs that I could never serenade you with.
Go read the books that I could never give you

Go tell your secrets that I could never keep
Go run away to the places I could never go with you.
Go make the memories that I could never be included in
Go fall in love with the man I could never be

Make the loneliness of your absence
Worthwhile