Brittani Cramer

Brittani Cramer Jan 2018

burn

I don't think I can describe it, except by saying it "burns".
I don't mean it's a excruciating heat radiating from my body, cause by some out of body source, but from within.
I don't think I can breathe,
I don't think I can speak,
I don't think I don't think I can bare to be here much longer.
But yet, here I am.
Here I am with my arms crossed in-front of me and my face blank and eyes wide, lungs hollow, heart booming.
Here I am with the feeling of pulling a U-turn and driving home.
Here I am crawling back into my own skin trying to make sense of this mess.
But "I" don't even feel like "me".
I'm talking and driving and working,
but it feels like I'm not doing it.
Like I'm on auto pilot,
Like I'm on the outside looking in,
Like I'm possessed.
So I'm stuck, with this over-whelming burning sensation,
that feels like my chest is being ripped open,
with every fiber in my being screaming to go home.
But I don't.

Lately I've had an overwhelming feelings of anxiety and didn't know how to cope, so here I came. Hope it's not too terribly simple and basic

#anxiety #disassociation #manic

Brittani Cramer Feb 2014

Untitled

You could spend a life time staring at a photograph,
or re-reading old love letters,
trying to remember how you felt,
but you will never feel the same exact way you did again.
They say that "in 20 years no one will remember any of this"
and that's terrifying to me, honestly.

Brittani Cramer Feb 2014

Contradicting daily thoughts.

I don't know what to say
because it's hard to think in this strange head of mine
and I know things I want to say
just not how to say them.
It doesn't make sense, really.
but it's true.
Sometimes I think I want to die ,
but I also want to live.
I'm afraid to tell you that I'm in love with you because you might hurt me,
but I trust you enough to know that you won't.
Life is full of contradictions,
and I'm a living one.

Brittani Cramer Jan 2014

I'm here, I'm gone.

I can't wait for the day that this all gets a bit more bearable.
I want to stay,
and I want to leave.
I want to learn,
but I want to stay home and sleep.
I want to hurt myself,
but I need to stay strong.
I have so much to live for,
I have a purpose,
but I'm still wondering what exactly that is.

Brittani Cramer Jan 2014

Ex's are awful.

My mind is too cluttered to think
about how each verse should go.
I'm so filled with rage, sadness, and regret,
that I can't think correctly.
All I can think about is how you ruined me.
The images of the things we did in your bedroom still haunt me.
I don't love you anymore.
You are my past.
And you're staying there.

Brittani Cramer Jan 2014

Anxious Thoughts and Heavy Breathing.

I tend to get this bad feeling sometimes..
I can't breathe well, I feel like someone is slowly pushing on my chest when I breathe.
I feel dizzy, and sad, and I don't know why.
I could see something little,
something so tiny and that doesn't mean anything,
and I would feel this way.
It's not fun.
It's quite scary actually, but I learn to deal with it.
Today, I saw that she was talking to you.
I saw that you didn't text me back for a while.
I saw that you were hanging out with her.
It means nothing, because you're mine, I'm yours, and I trust you.
I know it means nothing
but I have this feeling in my chest,
and it won't go away.

Brittani Cramer Jan 2014

High school is hell.

Wake up.
Go to school.
Eat.
Sleep.
Repeat.
Boring, isn't it?
It's also pretty draining, you know.
Going around every day, doing the same thing, seeing the same people.
School is quite awful.
Don't get me wrong, I love learning.
But I do not love stress.
I don't love the pressure to get perfect grades.
I don't love teachers who don't understand why I can't learn things quickly.
I don't love failing classes.
I don't love the constant question "What are you going to do after high school?"
It's a lot to do.
It's a lot to decide.
And I'm running out of time.