you were my drug
you were created specifically for me
or so I thought

My body consumed you
entirely
for over a year and a half

I was convinced that I couldn't
live without you
breathe without you
be without you

Because the withdrawal
was so excruciating
I thought that I wasn't strong enough

Relapsing
over
and over
again

Knowing that I shouldn't want it
Knowing that I shouldn't need it
Knowing that I deserve a life without it

Regretting the day I first tried my drug
Regretting the warning signs of my addiction
Regretting being too weak to stop

I'm officially 6 months clean
and I wish I can say I did it by myself
but I didn't
does that make me weak?
I almost don't care

I can now live without you
breathe without you
be without you

without withdrawal
without relapsing

I've been struggling with words lately
which is weird for me

maybe it's because
I'm not sure how to make sense of it all

I'm still waiting
for everything to make sense
trying to force it almost

trying to trick
my own heart
my own mind

into believing that this is how it was supposed to happen
when I know it wasn't

I think I had this weird misconception for the longest time without even realizing it.

For awhile I was in control of every relationship I had with a guy. I chose when it started, when it ended, how it ended, whether it would start again, when it would start again, etc.

I think I thought that every guy I was with would always be waiting for me to change my mind and turn back around. Well because, that's how it was for a long time.

But that thought is what made me be in control.

And I know that's ****** up, as I type it. But it's true.

For the girl with little self confidence, thinking that every guy she's been with would wait around for her. How arrogant is that.

How wrong is that

I realized it when my anxiety took over, having to take a step away from the guy I was with, thinking that he would understand and simply wait for me.

But he didn't

He was so quick to move on. And he had every right to.

Honestly, I'm happy it happened. It had to happen for me to realize how toxic I was being to myself and to other guys.

All of my poems consist of one topic, one guy, breaking me down.

I can't let what he did to me effect how I treat future guys.

I can't be the person they write poems about years later talking about how toxic I was for them.

I refuse to be that person.

I am not that person.

I will never be that person.

All aspects of my future make me anxious

Every time I think about it
I imagine this pit growing in my stomach

It starts off small
about the size of a seed
but the more that I think about it
the more I water it
and the bigger it grows

Where will I teach if I can't find a job?
bigger
Where will I live?
bigger
Who will I end up with?
bigger
Will I even find someone that wants to marry me?
BIGGER
Will I be able to have kids?
BIGGER
Will my family be around to watch me grow old?
BIG-

And then suddenly the pit has grown so large
it no longer has any room left to grow
It has taken over my stomach completely
causing me to stop in the middle of my tracks
frozen in fear
waiting desperately for it to get smaller

But it never does
Because you see
the more you water it
the bigger it grows
and there's no going backwards


Backwards
If I could go backwards
I would **** every last droplet of water out of the seed


I would give anything to make it shrink
There's not much I hate more than the unknown

I can't seem to get it right.
With every guy I meet.

Is there something wrong with them?
Or is there something wrong with me?

Is it because they're not you?
Or because I'm scared that they will become you?

Is it because I still haven't met the right guy?
Or because my expectations are too hard to obtain?

Is it because there's always a problem?
Or because I create that problem myself?


I'd like to believe it's because I just haven't met the right one yet.
The guy that it will come effortlessly with.
The guy that makes me fall into him with both feet, knowing exactly what I might get myself into, without a worry in the world.
The guy that doesn't make me second guess every move we make.
The guy who consumes my mind so deeply, there isn't any room for the demons in my head.

I know that guy is out there for me. Whether it is someone from my past or someone in my future.
I will find him.

Everything happens for a reason.

Say it again.

Repeat it until you're blue in the face.

Or until you believe it yourself.

Which ever comes first.