my bed
feels so empty
and i wish
you would stand
outside of my house
and throw pebbles
at my bedroom window
and quietly
sneak it
and lay with me
till i fall asleep.
but i know
that even
if you did,
you would be gone
by morning,
not a trace
of you
except for
the faint smell
of your cologne
lingering on my
dark gray pillowcase,
and i'd sit there
with my knees
pulled to my chest,
inhaling your scent
slowly being
washed away
by my saltwater tears.
you'll always hurt me
an i'll always love you.

trying
to make you
love me
is like
trying
to count
all the
stars in
the sky.

it is
impossible.

and yet
here i am
crossing out
the stars
with a comet
so i don't
lose count.

i know that
i am trying
to squeeze
puzzle pieces
in places
they just
don't fit.

and i know that
when i solve
this equation
x + y
won't equal u.

but there is
a whisper
in my ear
as subtle as
a butterfly
landing delicately
on a flower.

and so i
tie my heartstrings
to that hope
and i swing from it
and try
not to scream
when i fall

and just pray
that you'll be there
to catch me.

and if you don't
i'll land
so hard
and blood
will stain
my jeans
and tears
will stain
my cheeks

and i'll look up
at the tars
(i only got
to 1003
before i
stopped counting).

and i'll curse them
for not
spelling it out
in the sky
that x + y
does not
equal u.

it hurts
knowing that
you will
always remember me
as the girl
who broke
your heart.
i will
forever remain
frozen
in your time.
you will
never
see me as
the girl
who stays up
until 3 am
comforting
the broken souls
with broken hearts,
or the girl
who pulls together
what little money
she has
to buy a
birthday present,
or the girl
who silently wishes
she could take
all the bad
in the world,
all the pain,
all the sadness,
all the destruction,
and bring it
all upon myself
so that everybody
may experience
the sunshine.
in your eyes
i am a monster
who feeds off
of broken hearts
and saltwater tears
and i pray
that someday
you will stop
seeing me
in black
and white.

i am
a butterfly
with torn
tattered wings
but i will
never stop
trying to fly.

i wish
i didn't care
and i hate myself
for caring
and i hate you
for making me care
and i hate myself
for not actually hating you.

man is born
neither good
not bad.
mankind
or manUNkind.
it is not real.
we do
not know
good
or bad
when we first
come from
the womb.
it is life
that shapes you.
life molds
your heart
like a fresh lump of clay
to either mankind
or manUNkind.
take a moment
and think
about your existence.
what shaped you?
what shaped the kind?
what shaped the unkind?