The amount of time and love I spent on you
Has surley been wasted
And it angers me so
I could have used that love more wisely
Maybe on myself

i've come to believe
love is giving someone everything you have left inside of you,
pouring it out for them,
even if it leaves you empty.
it's giving someone the power
to destroy you
& letting them do it
over & over again
& being able to forgive them
every single time

"Think happy thoughts"
I say to myself as I close my eyes
Trying to drift off into a peaceful sleep

Anxiety is crippling my body
I'm shaking uncontrolably
I try to breathe,
But I haven't been able to properly
Ever since you've been gone

"Happy thoughts"
So my mind wanders off
Every scenery,
Every landscape,
Every place,

I see your face.

Are you really in love

If you still cry yourself to sleep?

You can say something so much for as long as you want
But your actions will always speak louder than your voice

Once I realized this,
I understood you really weren't as important to me as I thought

You said all the right things
We planned out our future
But it all seemed to vanish
With time and distance

You could have meant it all
But time changed our paths
And I moved on despite the pain of heartbreak

And through my journey
I found him

He put my dreams into action
He didn't even need the words

Now my dreams have come true
I'm doing all the things I've wanted to
He has become my life

You were just words
Over a screen
And letters on a paper

We dreamed of eternity together
But the hourglass ran out of sand

And sometimes,
That's what needs to happen
To make you understand what's right

I've imagined my life with you
And how lovely it would be

But you're too far away
And you're not who I need to be with

Maybe time will change things
Time reveals

But as of now,
I hear him louder and more clear than I ever heard you
He whispers through his touch
You screamed through a screen

He's the reason I'm crying myself to sleep tonight
But he's also the reason the sun will shine tomorrow

He breaks me down,
But he's always there to pick up all of me again & again

The days of my youth are being wasted

Spent with a man who will someday become
just
a

memory

I told him to call me when he cares

So

I'm still sitting here, with my phone volume

Turned all the way up

But I'm left in silence

When someone asks you if you're in love
You can smile and say "yes"
But if that someone asks
And is in your own head


You're not

I woke up this morning

And realized I'm in love

And I cried and cried


There's no turning back now.

You'll always be my favorite heartbreak

I was born with a broken heart
I've been shattered for so long now
The pieces are all here
They just don't fit together

I've been mended
Not fixed
I'm fragile
I'm a mess

& if you leave just know
I've been broken before
I know pain like its my friend
I don't mind dealing with hearbreak
All over again

I have always wondered
If I died,
if you would have attended my funeral
But I never imagined I'd be going to yours

While I'm sitting in the sun shine
I can't help but think about the times it would rain
Because you were by my side then
And I wasn't in so much pain

There's one place
Where the rain washes away all pain
But also soaks and drowns you
Where the breeze flows softly
through your hair
But also makes you lose your breath
Unable to catch it again
Where the sun shines on your face
But also burns your skin
Where the light never dims
Which keeps you from sleeping at night
Where you're holding
the world in your hands
And you realize it is only
but a grain of sand
Where everything that makes you high
Also makes you feel so low
Where what makes you happy
Is also the cause of your downfall
Where the flowers bloom
But also die before they can be admired
Where time heals the pain
But also where time just faded love
This place is where I'm at
I'm stuck here
Yet I belong here

I'd use the last breath in my chest
To speak your name
One
last
time.

I was chasing a butterfly
In a field abundant with flowers.
I tried to catch it,
But it flew away.
And even at that young age
I was already too familiar
With things
not intending to
stay

he reminds me
of my father
of a ship sailing on the sea
of the sun
of the moon
of the leaves on the trees
he reminds me

of all the things that will leave

We all say things we know we don't mean
Maybe I should just speak for myself
But I've come to the conclusion that even though we have different blood, we're still put together with the same pieces, just in different arrangements
I realized this when he talked about her to me
The way I talked about him to them
We spoke with words created by pain
Simply wishing that if we spoke them out loud instead of keeping them inside
Maybe they wouldn't feel so cold
But the words were almost as cold as the nights in december
When I'd sit around waiting for your letters
Wishing for a call because his voice would always heal me
This was no way to live,
But it didn't matter,
I was satisfied just seeing him in my dreams
He had no clue that when I looked at him my body went numb
And all I could imagine when I closed my eyes
Were his hands in my hair
And his lips on my neck

There's a reason that the sun arises
Each morning
It is a possible new beginning
for everyone to take advantage of
There's a reason
The waves of the ocean always
Come crashing back onto the shore
It is a way to never lose touch
Of home
There's a reason for the stars beyond us
Burning and Shining
There's a reason for the seasons
That seem to quickly pass by
Except in times of coldness
There's a reason the world spins
There's a reason the moon beams
At night
It guides unfourtunate souls
Who wander and may be lost
Providing light
But along with all these wonders in life,
I'm not sure of the reason
If there's a reason
I stumbled across you
And that's where it began

Songs that he played
That you use to hate
Now are your favorites
Because he is gone

I was drunk
And I knew I needed to tell you
So I choked on the words I promised I'd never say again
"I'm in love with you"

You questioned it
And blamed it on the whiskey
And you asked me
"Do you still think about him?"

You didn't need to say his name
I knew exactly who you were talking about
But in all entirety
I never thought of him once

You smiled
And I did too
You were happy I was in love with you
And I was happy I no longer loved him

Break me down
I don't give a ****
Shattered my bones
Mess with my heart

Maybe I am just a little insane
But just as long as your here to fix me
& pick up the pieces of what of me remains
Over & over again

You say you're so unhappy, being brought down and you don't want to bring me down too

But bring me down baby too

Just as long as I'm with you

I'm so in love with him

That is, until he breaks my heart

And even after that,

I know I'll never be able to let him go

I take this love too serious

Something I've never done before

And the biggest mistake we all make

Is locking up, enclosing, attempting to keep ahold of what we love, trying to keep it forever

We're selfish, we want it to ourselves, no one else can touch, no one else can have, no one else can love them as much as we do,

But in the words of stephen king

Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright

And the same concept goes for people too

The ones who gleam, and shine with light

You cant hold that back, you cannot possess them

Even though your heart won't ever let them go if they decide to

Sometimes that's just the way it is

I guess no one can be yours forever

I'd like him to be my forever

But we all know forever doesn't last

And he shines to bright to be kept within the darkness of my heart

Now I'm scared to be alone
Once again I can only live with him by my side

Without him I'm just as I was before he was here
A broken mess
Pieces scattered

But I can't hold him back
I can't depend on him

So should I detach?
Or cling longer
Until he let's go

Girls like me, yeah, they'll warn you
I'll smoke my cigarettes flick my ashes on the floor
Drink every night without any concern

Don't think about tomorrow
Or the days that passed by
But I'll smoke some of my brother's ****
I'm just trying to get high

I don't care about me
But I could care about you

I would never hurt you baby
I promise it's true

I don't want to get high
I don't want to feel low
I don't want to feel pain
I don't want to feel nothing at all

I don't want to love jesus
I don't want to hate the devil
I don't want nothing at all
I don't want to know forever

I don't want to be a coward
I don't want to be brave
I don't want to fit in
I don't want to be strange

I don't want to die young
I don't want to live forever
I don't want to be normal
I don't want to be severed

I don't want the sunshine
I don't want to feel the rain
I don't want happiness
I don't want pain

I don't want to be with you
I don't want to be without you
I don't want to laugh
I don't want to sing the blues

I don't want you to cry
I don't want you to smile
I don't want you to forget about me
I don't want you to ask "why"

Even on my bad days,

I'm still better than you'll ever be


*****.

one of the very few conversations I've had with my father was on a night where I felt lost, I was recently heartbroken & kept to myself for a while. if you know me, i haven't had a relationship with my father for a very long time, if anything, I claimed to hate him. but for some reason that night I was feeling so low & walked in his room & sat on the floor with my eyes filled with tears. I think he saw the pain in my eyes & recognized it as his own, he said
"your mother was 15 years old when we met, I loved her instantly. when I first went to her house, there was a wooden chest at the foot of her bed filled to the top with empty liquor bottles. I knew at that moment I was dealing with a broken person. 20 years later, and she's still broken. you can't fix someone who is broken, no matter how much love you give to them"

& ever since then, it's all made sense to me.

If you don't like my cold heart
& distant soul

Maybe you shouldn't have ******* left me then came back

"Doubt everything. Find your own light."
So I shut out the whole world
Believed not a single word a soul told me
And I found you to be my
Source of sunlight

I should try to convince you to stop smoking cigarettes
But I can't help but think you're precious with one hanging out of your mouth
I should wake you up
So I'm not here lying wide awake
But I can't help but keep my eyes locked on your perfection
I should leave
I should go
Before you decide to abandon me for her once again
But I can't seem to walk away

I don't think she will ever over come
The hatred she has aimed solemnly towards
One person and one person only

She believes hate is too heavy to carry
Yet she drags it along
And throws it over her shoulder
And it gets heavier each time she
Looks into the mirror

She sees the beauty in
Everyone and everything
Except in her own soul

She knows beauty is within
But her heart is black
Just like the makeup on her eyes

What's on the outside
Doesn't please her
She can't stand to see the skin on her face
Without makeup layered on

Even then
She still is a disgrace

"I love you;


    But I love her too"

I'm tired of waiting around
Each day passes and I'm growing closer to my grave
And the sad thing is

I haven't even began to live yet

Its a hot summer
But my heart is still cold
I always wanted a lover
Or maybe just someone to hold

I could live in the sunshine
And still be freezing
I've heard every line
None of the words have meaning

But on my darkest nights
You were always right here
You'd spark a fire for light
And open up a beer

We'd talk all night
We'd get drunk on eachother
I was no longer in fright
I was no longer troubled

Its like the calm after the rain
Or the smell of the sea
You got rid of my pain
And set me at ease

Maybe you'll be gone tomorrow
But you're here today
You lessend all my sorrows
So I hope that maybe you'll stay

The first person I fell in love with
I don't love him anymore
But our love was real
And it burned through
But I don't love him anymore
I love you

I'm so glad it's you

All along it was you

I hope it's always you

Looking in the mirror today
And my sunken dreadful eyes
Now were beaming with light and grace
The strange feeling of not being alone hit me out of nowhere
And now I am completely safe
The demons I saw
They turned into angels
And even on the coldest nights
I feel warmth
I was locked in a cage of hatred and lust
Now I am set free able to fly
Even with my damaged wings

He's an arrogant *******
Who likes the way it feels
When pills trickle down his throat
In a river of lemon iced tea
And the way the smoke from
***** and american spirit cigarettes
Fill his chest
He thinks he knows it all
He tells me stories of when he was a kid
Always breaking the rules
And doing what he wanted
As we sit outside by the fire
And he puts a glass bottle of beer to
His mouth
And I sit back with a smile on my face
Wishing times like these
could last forever
He tells me that what we behold
Is sacred;
That not many people get the chance
To bestow it and cherish it.
He told me that no matter what
He's here for me.
I came up with every "what if?" Scenerio
Never actually imagining that one day
He really wouldn't be here for me
But he reasurred me that there was
Absolutely not a thing I could do
To make him love me any less.
Now that was a long time ago
That was before our lives fell apart
And the words he said
Quickly faded
Just like the remains of the
fire that july night
I remember him also telling me
That sometimes things happen
And sometimes people change
Well,
I didn't ever think
That my own father
Could change his mind
And to think he said
He'd always be here,
Is like saying july nights last forever
And that fires never burn down to embers

And fade away

One day
All the glory will be mine

It's just a matter of time
Until I get to say "I told you so"

The concept of forever doesn't register
It never will

Temporary is all it is
And so am I

So when you leave

I told you so

I find the selfish people to be very interesting
Living to please only themselves

Maybe,
that sounds nice

Because here I am
Living to make everyone else happy
And I'm nothing but a miserable mess

I can imagine waking up next to an empty spot in my bed where the pillow is stained with your scent
Where the sheets are coming off  
And the blanket alone just doesn't seem to keep me warm anymore

A carpet that is pink where clumps of mud from your work boots have been crushed into it
And where your wardrobe used to be scattered

The boxes with your things
Now empty
The stand with your tv and games
Gone
Empty packs of cigarettes and jack bottles where the last stain of your lips remain will be the only thing left of you

The pictures
no more than memories

Memories fade

Just like I imagine we will

Everything that was mine
That I held so dear to my heart
Is now yours as well

So what will I do when you leave

And I have nothing left to call my own?

Your fingertips tickle my spine
Your hands caress my thighs
Youre kissing on my lips and my neck
Your eyes look deep into mine
But the truth is
you
will
never
Be in
love
with
me

I think the hardest part
Was being awakened in the early morning hours
By dreams of you walking away

And with tears in my eyes
Reaching to the right of my bed

And your body being absent

My mind is diminishing
My body is collapsing
Over nothing but a mere thought

Each night I dream he leaves me
And runs back to her
I awaken in tears and sweat

He's right there by my side
When I awake from these horrid nightmares
Surprised;
I always am.

I'm waiting for the day he packs up and leaves
His "I love you" 's must be a lie

Every song that he plays
Sings of heartbreak
Surely they remind him of
Her

So I'll look out my window
And play the blues
Its just a matter of time
Before I'm gone too

Sometimes I think I'm crazy imagining your hands that are on my body
Once on her's too

Maybe I'll just never get over the past
& maybe you won't ever love me like you loved her

It won't ever make sense
Why broken people
Try to fix broken people
But end up breaking them even more