If you don't like my cold heart
& distant soul

Maybe you shouldn't have ******* left me then came back

You say you're so unhappy, being brought down and you don't want to bring me down too

But bring me down baby too

Just as long as I'm with you

"Think happy thoughts"
I say to myself as I close my eyes
Trying to drift off into a peaceful sleep

Anxiety is crippling my body
I'm shaking uncontrolably
I try to breathe,
But I haven't been able to properly
Ever since you've been gone

"Happy thoughts"
So my mind wanders off
Every scenery,
Every landscape,
Every place,

I see your face.

Even on my bad days,

I'm still better than you'll ever be


*****.

I was drunk
And I knew I needed to tell you
So I choked on the words I promised I'd never say again
"I'm in love with you"

You questioned it
And blamed it on the whiskey
And you asked me
"Do you still think about him?"

You didn't need to say his name
I knew exactly who you were talking about
But in all entirety
I never thought of him once

You smiled
And I did too
You were happy I was in love with you
And I was happy I no longer loved him

Looking in the mirror today
And my sunken dreadful eyes
Now were beaming with light and grace
The strange feeling of not being alone hit me out of nowhere
And now I am completely safe
The demons I saw
They turned into angels
And even on the coldest nights
I feel warmth
I was locked in a cage of hatred and lust
Now I am set free able to fly
Even with my damaged wings

It will never make sense why my heart belongs to a man who will never love me back. The words he says are old replayed records that were once melodies, that belonged to her. He can hold me and love me all night long but when the morning sun arises and he wakes up by my side, he wishes it were her eyes that he could get drunk on. She is beautiful, with hair golden and long, and my hair is black to match my soul. I like drugs I pop a pill every now and then, and she gets high from the life she is blessed to be able to live. I will never compare to her, but no, I don't want to be her,


But he does, and it will **** me forever, especially when he leaves.

Waking up one day
And knowing its over
The blue sky
Is now grey
The waves in the ocean
Are floating away

And so are you

I don't think she will ever over come
The hatred she has aimed solemnly towards
One person and one person only

She believes hate is too heavy to carry
Yet she drags it along
And throws it over her shoulder
And it gets heavier each time she
Looks into the mirror

She sees the beauty in
Everyone and everything
Except in her own soul

She knows beauty is within
But her heart is black
Just like the makeup on her eyes

What's on the outside
Doesn't please her
She can't stand to see the skin on her face
Without makeup layered on

Even then
She still is a disgrace

I don't want to get high
I don't want to feel low
I don't want to feel pain
I don't want to feel nothing at all

I don't want to love jesus
I don't want to hate the devil
I don't want nothing at all
I don't want to know forever

I don't want to be a coward
I don't want to be brave
I don't want to fit in
I don't want to be strange

I don't want to die young
I don't want to live forever
I don't want to be normal
I don't want to be severed

I don't want the sunshine
I don't want to feel the rain
I don't want happiness
I don't want pain

I don't want to be with you
I don't want to be without you
I don't want to laugh
I don't want to sing the blues

I don't want you to cry
I don't want you to smile
I don't want you to forget about me
I don't want you to ask "why"

"Doubt everything. Find your own light."
So I shut out the whole world
Believed not a single word a soul told me
And I found you to be my
Source of sunlight

4am
My bones are shaking
My heart is slowed down
The tears in my eyes
Are falling to the ground

My fingers lay softly on the piano keys
This is my very last plea

I can never find the words to say
So the music helps me drift away
Please baby please
Just tell me you'll stay

My heart is hollow
My chest is full of air
For I'd let all the blood in my body run dry for you
without even having a care

I'm wondering what you are doing and how you feel
But nothing really phases you
You're so strong
You're made out of steel

Unlike me
I'm as soft as clay
Mold me into something
That would make you wanna stay
And You can always have your way

There's shivers up my spine
The stars are never aligned
Because you and I
Are not side by side


So as I play the last notes
I feel as if instead of swimming
I'm just barley staying afloat

Maybe in my dreams you'll come visit me
And we can go drifting
Amongst the seas

He came off having a tough exterior
As most men do,
And when I traced my finger tips
Along his back,
I could feel him shaking.
He is numb.
& I'm here to make him feel.
Maybe he will like the way affection feels.
Maybe he will like the way I say his name.

I say, "tell me something"
He seemed uneasy.
So I touched his hand softly  
And he glanced into my eyes
& he spoke of his demons that haunt him,
And the secrets burried deep inside
His frozen heart.
I just sit & listen.

He spoke of the past;
All the betrayale of trust
And broken promises.

These are all familar things to me
I know dissapointment & lost trust
Like the back of my hand,
But I say not a word,
My ears do the talking.

"You deserve better"
I tell him,
He knows that.
But you can tell he doesn't exactly
Believe it.

But I could feel him becoming less cold.
The emptiness he had
Is now being filled,
So I continue to touch him,
Until he's completely filled up,
Emptiness is a waste of space.

Oh, how he craves love.

So we give ourselves to eachother
Skin on skin
The most expressive, in depth
Way to say
1000 words lined with 1000 emotions
Without even opening your mouth.


We lie together,
And drift off into the dream land,
And I rest my head on his chest
And feel the beating of his heart.

I hope he wasn't expecting
To awaken next to me in the morning,

Because I won't be there.

I'm off,
Onto the next,

Still searching for the man
Who will fill me up
Who will melt the ice of my heart
Who will make me feel
Who will give me love
Who will listen

& Who will be by my side

Even when the sun rises.

I'm over you
You mean **** to me
So why do I constantly
See you in my dreams?
I'm moved on,
I'm head over heels in love with someone better
You're long gone & out of my life forever
So why did dream I was looking into your eyes?
Why within my dreams,
I finally didn't want to die?
Why is it that when I saw your face
My broken heart began to race
But that's not fair my heart does not belong to you
For every chance I gave you,
you blew
But then again
I always blame myself
Maybe its my fault you wanted someone else
But if I'm still mad at you,
Why do I see you in my dreams?
This is much more difficult than it even seems.
It felt so real it felt like the old times
It breaks my heart thinking
We had to leave it  all behind
Things could be different
If we both weren't so selfish
To fix the past would be my deep down wish
But I don't care
Atleast that's what I tell myself
But I do,
That's why my heart is in a jar
On the very top shelf
I tried more than once to fix things
But in doing so
Misery is all that it brings
I don't think I mind seeing you in my dreams
But once I wake up
I come apart at the scene

His hands aren't as big as yours
And his eyes are a different shade of brown
But I usually see him only at night time
So I can't really tell

His lips just aren't as sweet as yours
And his kisses don't get me high
I look at him and I'm still on the ground
But when I look at you
I'm flying, I can touch the sky.

His voice doesn't give me chills
His words don't give me closure
I'm laying right next to him skin on skin
But its you that I wish I was close to

There's no emotion
There's no connection
Into your heart
Is where I need directions

I can't seem to get to you
I can't seem to make you smile
I seem to hang around too long
Even though its not worth my while

He doesn't get to me like you do
He can not heal the pain you caused
Now you're gone forever
Onto better things
The best thing in life
I have lost

He made me hate myself even more than I already did
If he knew how much power he had I bet he could **** me
And right when I thought I could breathe again I was plunged back into the water where I was left to sink but expected to swim
Its easy to think its all an overreaction
Maybe even an obsession
But I can't help but think of you everytime the sun shines
But also when its raining
Days were always so gloomy
But that's how you liked it
There's never been a purer soul to walk this earth
Yet also the most evil demonic human who put my heart on full blast
And then shut it down
Singing was always too cliche
Poems were all the same
But you loved when I'd play the piano
And hated when I'd cry
Most the time you were the reason behind it
You were the cause of my greatest dowfall
And weren't there to pick me up
You'd always sit with a cigarette in your mouth
And a distant look in your eyes
I remember when nights were cold and you'd steal the covers
And when I was almost drunk and you drank the rest of the jack
I was always left high and dry
You were always wanting to be left alone
Love was always blooming
You decided to step on the flowers
And when the stars were out and I'd look out the window you'd close the blinds and turn off the lights
And The time comes when you realize what's good and what's bad
You finally understand why happiness has not reached you yet
And when its time to say goodbye
Its also time to say hello
Time will pass by
your time will come