i've come to believe
love is giving someone everything you have left inside of you,
pouring it out for them,
even if it leaves you empty.
it's giving someone the power
to destroy you
& letting them do it
over & over again
& being able to forgive them
every single time

one of the very few conversations I've had with my father was on a night where I felt lost, I was recently heartbroken & kept to myself for a while. if you know me, i haven't had a relationship with my father for a very long time, if anything, I claimed to hate him. but for some reason that night I was feeling so low & walked in his room & sat on the floor with my eyes filled with tears. I think he saw the pain in my eyes & recognized it as his own, he said
"your mother was 15 years old when we met, I loved her instantly. when I first went to her house, there was a wooden chest at the foot of her bed filled to the top with empty liquor bottles. I knew at that moment I was dealing with a broken person. 20 years later, and she's still broken. you can't fix someone who is broken, no matter how much love you give to them"

& ever since then, it's all made sense to me.

I guess I'm nothing but selfish
Wanting all of you
But only being able to give you

What is left of me

Are you really in love

If you still cry yourself to sleep?

"You're too young to think he's the only one who can make you happy"

But he's not the only one who makes me happy

He's the only one who makes me want to be happy

And without that, I'm miserable

I'm so glad it's you

All along it was you

I hope it's always you

Sometimes I think I'm crazy imagining your hands that are on my body
Once on her's too

Maybe I'll just never get over the past
& maybe you won't ever love me like you loved her

It won't ever make sense
Why broken people
Try to fix broken people
But end up breaking them even more

If you don't like my cold heart
& distant soul

Maybe you shouldn't have ******* left me then came back

He's the reason I'm crying myself to sleep tonight
But he's also the reason the sun will shine tomorrow

He breaks me down,
But he's always there to pick up all of me again & again

Even on my bad days,

I'm still better than you'll ever be


*****.

I think the hardest part
Was being awakened in the early morning hours
By dreams of you walking away

And with tears in my eyes
Reaching to the right of my bed

And your body being absent

I thought I needed you
Like how i need my morning cigarette

But the thing is,
I'm not really addicted

"Think happy thoughts"
I say to myself as I close my eyes
Trying to drift off into a peaceful sleep

Anxiety is crippling my body
I'm shaking uncontrolably
I try to breathe,
But I haven't been able to properly
Ever since you've been gone

"Happy thoughts"
So my mind wanders off
Every scenery,
Every landscape,
Every place,

I see your face.

It doesn't really matter who's better than who
You're not me
& I'm not you

I'll never forget the nights of unfamilar feelings of heartbreak,
I was so young & hurt
3am I'd call you
You came & sat on my porch with me while it poured down rain
I cried
But you made me smile
I should have known then,
You were always there

There were days when I'd come home
And just as I've always known,
My mother would be breaking her teeth on ***** bottles
Lying on the floor
I'd call you
We'd go for a ride
Suddenly, everything was alright
I should have known then,
You were always there

That was just the beginning
You were my best friend,
And now I'm in love with you
I should have known then,
You were always there,
You were always the one

You'll always be my favorite heartbreak

This is the kind of love that hurts
It hurts when I look at you
This ache in my chest
The thought in my head swimming around reminding me that nothing this good can last forever

& the amount of time spent with you
The memories the unexplainable moments
There will never be enough words
Or the right words to even come close to describing the way I feel about you
God, even the bad days are good
Because of you

& I have pictured a life without you
& a baby without your eyes
I can't imagine waking up next to anyone other than you

& I think you saved my life by being here,

So please don't ever leave

Girls like me, yeah, they'll warn you
I'll smoke my cigarettes flick my ashes on the floor
Drink every night without any concern

Don't think about tomorrow
Or the days that passed by
But I'll smoke some of my brother's ****
I'm just trying to get high

I don't care about me
But I could care about you

I would never hurt you baby
I promise it's true

Break me down
I don't give a ****
Shattered my bones
Mess with my heart

Maybe I am just a little insane
But just as long as your here to fix me
& pick up the pieces of what of me remains
Over & over again

You say you're so unhappy, being brought down and you don't want to bring me down too

But bring me down baby too

Just as long as I'm with you

9 months of worrying when he'd leave
After all the time he said he wouldn't
It happend
He's gone

I can imagine waking up next to an empty spot in my bed where the pillow is stained with your scent
Where the sheets are coming off  
And the blanket alone just doesn't seem to keep me warm anymore

A carpet that is pink where clumps of mud from your work boots have been crushed into it
And where your wardrobe used to be scattered

The boxes with your things
Now empty
The stand with your tv and games
Gone
Empty packs of cigarettes and jack bottles where the last stain of your lips remain will be the only thing left of you

The pictures
no more than memories

Memories fade

Just like I imagine we will

Emptiness

Or full of pain

I'm not sure which one is worse

I find the selfish people to be very interesting
Living to please only themselves

Maybe,
that sounds nice

Because here I am
Living to make everyone else happy
And I'm nothing but a miserable mess

There's no such thing as heaven
When we die, that is not where we're going

But with the idea of it in my head
Heaven seems to be right here
Right now

With you by my side

I love him so much
I wonder if he
Could ever love me as much as I love him
And when I say love I mean my whole body aches for him
I couldn't imagine another soul feeling like that towards me

"But you're not like her, that's why I love you"

Now I'm scared to be alone
Once again I can only live with him by my side

Without him I'm just as I was before he was here
A broken mess
Pieces scattered

But I can't hold him back
I can't depend on him

So should I detach?
Or cling longer
Until he let's go

The man I used to love with my whole being contacts me and says he still loves me and he'll wait eternity for me
I never thought this day would come
Without a care without any tears I delete it, I have finally moved on

One day
All the glory will be mine

It's just a matter of time
Until I get to say "I told you so"

The concept of forever doesn't register
It never will

Temporary is all it is
And so am I

So when you leave

I told you so

I'm so in love with him

That is, until he breaks my heart

And even after that,

I know I'll never be able to let him go

I take this love too serious

Something I've never done before

And the biggest mistake we all make

Is locking up, enclosing, attempting to keep ahold of what we love, trying to keep it forever

We're selfish, we want it to ourselves, no one else can touch, no one else can have, no one else can love them as much as we do,

But in the words of stephen king

Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright

And the same concept goes for people too

The ones who gleam, and shine with light

You cant hold that back, you cannot possess them

Even though your heart won't ever let them go if they decide to

Sometimes that's just the way it is

I guess no one can be yours forever

I'd like him to be my forever

But we all know forever doesn't last

And he shines to bright to be kept within the darkness of my heart

My heart aches in the best way
Everytime I say your name

The problem is
I can't exactly put into words
The way you make me feel

And people have said it all
Cliche lines used all the time
To express their so called love

In a way you set me at ease
Diminished all my sorrows
And through the dreary days of my life
You were my only source of light

And I thought I knew what love was
But I didn't, because I wasn't with you

I was living in an emptiness
Trying to find myself
And let go of my old ways
I knew who I wanted to be
And where I wanted to go
But I couldn't get there on my own

And I thank you for saving me
And for being by my side
throughout all the troubles
You never left me alone
I've never been appreciated
I've never been cared for
But now, I am simply being loved

I have always wondered
If I died,
if you would have attended my funeral
But I never imagined I'd be going to yours

The first person I fell in love with
I don't love him anymore
But our love was real
And it burned through
But I don't love him anymore
I love you

I was born with a broken heart
I've been shattered for so long now
The pieces are all here
They just don't fit together

I've been mended
Not fixed
I'm fragile
I'm a mess

& if you leave just know
I've been broken before
I know pain like its my friend
I don't mind dealing with hearbreak
All over again

Still depressed
Still a mess
Still a girl with broken pieces

But you're working on me
You're trying to love me

And that's all I could ever need

Don't bother talking
Or writing
Someone's already said it all

Words are useless
And so are you

It all vanishes
Before your blood shot eyes

When someone asks you if you're in love
You can smile and say "yes"
But if that someone asks
And is in your own head


You're not

You can say something so much for as long as you want
But your actions will always speak louder than your voice

Once I realized this,
I understood you really weren't as important to me as I thought

You said all the right things
We planned out our future
But it all seemed to vanish
With time and distance

You could have meant it all
But time changed our paths
And I moved on despite the pain of heartbreak

And through my journey
I found him

He put my dreams into action
He didn't even need the words

Now my dreams have come true
I'm doing all the things I've wanted to
He has become my life

You were just words
Over a screen
And letters on a paper

We dreamed of eternity together
But the hourglass ran out of sand

And sometimes,
That's what needs to happen
To make you understand what's right

I've imagined my life with you
And how lovely it would be

But you're too far away
And you're not who I need to be with

Maybe time will change things
Time reveals

But as of now,
I hear him louder and more clear than I ever heard you
He whispers through his touch
You screamed through a screen

"I love you;


    But I love her too"

He doesn't love me like he says he does
He doesn't do what he did with her
With me

Where the affection? The love? The emotions?
He can't show anything to me.

But with her, it was different,
I watched from afar,
Their smiles were priceless,
They looked so in love
Meant to be

He would touch her and love her
Play with her like a child
And it seems with him and me right now
I can't even make him smile

But with her he was happy
Until she broke his heart

So with me, he is here,
Trying to mend his broken heart.

Filling a void that was empty
The second that she left
He is looking for someone to save him
But to him, she was the best.

I cannot sleep, I cannot breathe
Without thinking of them together
It breaks my heart, because I love him so,
I can't feel like this forever.

He tells me all the time
He's over her for good
But one day, I know, she'll come back around
And he'll fall for her once again,
And I'll be here broken on the ground.

Maybe I shouldn't worry,
Maybe he really does love me,
But I know a broken heart doesn't get fixed,
In his heart
She'll always be.

My mind is diminishing
My body is collapsing
Over nothing but a mere thought

Each night I dream he leaves me
And runs back to her
I awaken in tears and sweat

He's right there by my side
When I awake from these horrid nightmares
Surprised;
I always am.

I'm waiting for the day he packs up and leaves
His "I love you" 's must be a lie

Every song that he plays
Sings of heartbreak
Surely they remind him of
Her

So I'll look out my window
And play the blues
Its just a matter of time
Before I'm gone too

Even when you're asleep next to me in bed

I still miss you

Because I know one day you'll be

gone

I was drunk
And I knew I needed to tell you
So I choked on the words I promised I'd never say again
"I'm in love with you"

You questioned it
And blamed it on the whiskey
And you asked me
"Do you still think about him?"

You didn't need to say his name
I knew exactly who you were talking about
But in all entirety
I never thought of him once

You smiled
And I did too
You were happy I was in love with you
And I was happy I no longer loved him

I woke up this morning

And realized I'm in love

And I cried and cried


There's no turning back now.

Everything that was mine
That I held so dear to my heart
Is now yours as well

So what will I do when you leave

And I have nothing left to call my own?

I should try to convince you to stop smoking cigarettes
But I can't help but think you're precious with one hanging out of your mouth
I should wake you up
So I'm not here lying wide awake
But I can't help but keep my eyes locked on your perfection
I should leave
I should go
Before you decide to abandon me for her once again
But I can't seem to walk away

Looking in the mirror today
And my sunken dreadful eyes
Now were beaming with light and grace
The strange feeling of not being alone hit me out of nowhere
And now I am completely safe
The demons I saw
They turned into angels
And even on the coldest nights
I feel warmth
I was locked in a cage of hatred and lust
Now I am set free able to fly
Even with my damaged wings

Today I smoked my last cigarette
Poured my last shot of jack
The reoccuring days of rain and thunder are no more
In the sunshine is now where I'm at

Time has been ticking on
Reminding me its been to long
I've been holding on to a past so dreary
Its time to sing a new song

Though memories are inked onto my soul
They're no longer on my mind
Brighter days, no longer in a haze
Is what I needed to find