1.)   make him coffee everyday and know exactly how he likes it

2.)   have a playlist of songs solely that relate to him (listen to it everyday)

3.)   know things about him that he doesn’t even know himself

4.)   pretend to sleep while he’s over (actually fall asleep)

5.)   lie about liking him

6.)   give anyone a chance (i mean him)

7.)   cry herself to sleep because she realized he wasn't the one

8.)   not realize every poem shes written lately has been about him

9.)   play the memories over and over in her mind

10.) never let him know how she feels because that would only complicate things

11.) give him advice, even if its not what she wants to say to him, but it’s for the best

12.) kiss his scars (she knows where he’s been)

13.) regret every word she never said (theres alot)

14.) always wish for him at 11:11

15.) always fall asleep faster when he’s by her side

16.) sing every song in the car off key with him

17.) kiss him and mean it (tells him she doesn’t)

18.) want him so bad it hurts and be content with being just friends (so she says)

19.) spend her nights lying awake retracing her lips because there once was a time he had kissed them

20.) let him call her and tell her that they’re better off staying friends (she’ll agree, hang up and cry herself to sleep)

21.) act like nothing has happened the next time she see’s him (maybe hug him a little longer than usual)

22.) close her eyes and take a deep breath (tell herself she’s okay)

23.) google the symptoms of a broken heart and realize her diagnosis is him

24.) know they’ll never be anything more but  stilll hope

25.) be by his side no matter what


(a.f.)

You kissed me and it all came flooding back,
The two years of constantly fighting,
Your mood swings and whip lash .
Two years ago we met,two teenagers excited by the aspect of Love.

So why now?.
Is it because we are both drunk?
Is it because we met this day two years ago?
Or my final question, because your brother,my boyfriend is unconscious on the bed asleep.

Your kissing me and my heads not telling me to stop.
We pull away and you smile at me, your hands on my hips.
I flee the scene and guilt kicks in,
I've cheated on my boyfriend,with his brother..my ex.
But..as you call me back you kiss me again,
Swiftly on the lips and I say stop.
"I meant to kiss your cheek" is your only reply,
But it hits me.
Your not over me,just like I'm not over you.

And as I write the sixth poem about you,
I realise I will never be over you,
Even with your mood swings and whip lash,
This all hits me while my boyfriend lays unconscious in our bed.

dear grandfather,

you left the television on
you left your flannel where you always put it
a bottle of your favorite soda still in the fridge
you also left your records here
but when i played them this time
the sound didn't hit me right
the crackling wasn't how i remembered it
as soon as the needle hit
the room grew colder
and a lot bigger

dear grandfather,

grandma doesn't sound the same anymore
she can only fake a smile
her humming has morphed into a sigh
the house is too quiet
i tried to play another record but
grandma said that some things should be left where they lay
i don't know what she's going to do with them
or your couch
or your flannel
or your soda
or the looming shadows in the corner of the family room where we used to gather

dear grandfather,

i'm quickly starting to settle into the fact that you're gone
forever

dear grandfather,

your records are still there
i haven't been able to gather the strength to play them
or even entertain the fact that they'll sound the same

dear grandpa,

this couch is too big
your flannel is growing thin
the soda is flat
the house is still cold

dear grandpa,

today i played some Elvis
and i swear that the crackling of the record synchronized with the cracking of my heart
and every bittersweet harmony coaxed the tears from my eyes

dear papa,
i swear i heard you humming along