Lately, it's been so hard to stay awake,

and       I'm just looking for signs
              to get me through these gloomy days
              I think about summer sunsets
              I think about us
              I think about how we were never
              really an "us" in the first place
              I think about disconnection (yours and mine)
              I think about the late nights I find comfort in
              I think about the early mornings
              that always start with dizzy thoughts
              I think about why it's been so hard to stay awake,
              when I have so much more to live for than this

gd

Sweet, Lovely Sin
You feel so good
Too satisfying

Oh, what do i do?
Let go?
Of the only thing i know?

You're too tempting
Too real
Too much of me

You're too much of my character
You're the fabric of myself
All that I have ever attempted

You're my life
You're safe
You're home

So should i just leave?
Commit to light?
Over the comforting darkness?

It's too much to handle
So I'll stay
I'll change another day

My sins have been exposed
I've been stripped bare of all my
Lost and misguided masks
That kept me feeling
Like maybe I could be okay.
But now
No one is there for me
I am faltering, struggling
With a knife pointed at the jugular vein
I cannot die
But I cannot do this alone
Do I even have a choice ?
Of course I don't
After all,
Making choices was never my forte
So why should now be any different?
They've left me
**** and frightened
Bruised and tender
And yet I'm so calloused?
Who am I
That I can barely escape
This pile of rubble and pain that is my
Perilous past
Or could it be
My paralyzing present
That continues to puncture
This putty-like membrane
That we call skin.
This is a relapse
With no one to talk to.
This is a war
With nowhere to hide.

I. When watching TV with my grandmother, we stumble upon a film about two beautiful girls who fall in love. When they kiss, she turns away from the screen. Every time.

II. I'm getting reading for school in the morning, and turn on an episode of my favorite show. When two of the boys kiss, I glance away out of habit, and my mother whispers, "It's just so strange."

III. I'm making lunch in the kitchen when my grandmother remarks, "I don't think anyone can know they're gay until they try being straight." Suddenly, I'm not hungry anymore.

IV. One of the boys I grew up with keeps telling me that I'll find the right man, no matter how many times I correct him.

V. When my friend finds out, she says it's okay. But she refuses to hug me.

VI. I'm out to dinner with my cousins when  one of them says, "I have a friend who's a lesbian. It's so hot." I excuse myself from the table and spend the rest of the evening sitting in a parking lot.

VII. The boys at school say "***" every other word.

VIII. The girl in the locker room refuses to change next to me.

IX. My grandmother finds a love poem in my room. I tell her it's a part of a school project.

X. In class we talk about gender roles, and a boy gets up and says, "You have to teach your kid to be manly or he'll end up being gay."

XI. Someone says the word "****" and I feel like crying.

XII. The youth pastor at my church tells me that I can be cured.

XIII. Everyone tells me I'm wrong.

XIV. I tell myself I am wrong. Every single day, it repeats in my head like a sacred chant. I tell myself I don't deserve to live. Until the day that I don't.

--------------------

I. I watch every movie I can find without looking away.

II. I smile every time they kiss.

III. I develop a stronger stomach.

IV. I correct him more forcefully.

V. Her sister hugs me twice as hard.

VI. I slap my cousin across the face.

VII. I decide to see it as a term of endearment.

VIII. I stop taking gym.

IX. My grandmother finds a love poem in the room. I tell her to calm down.

X. The girl beside me tells him to shut his mouth.

XI. Someone says the word "****" and I feel like laughing.

XII. I pray for her.

XIII. Everyone tells me I'm wrong.

XIV. I tell myself I am wrong.

XVI. Until the day that I don't.

I don't miss you

I miss the smell of your skin
I miss your cold hands brushing against my back
I miss the way you stared at me in wonder

I miss the ***-grabbing, lip-biting, back-scratching in all it's glory
I miss the late night phone calls and early morning texts
I miss the hours spent aimlessly daydreaming about you

But no, I don't miss *you