I walk in a daze
my eyes glazed
with tears
they just keep
pouring out
I don't know why

Gen. Lees invasion of the North written by himself—

    In eighteen sixty three, with pomp,
      and mighty swell,
    Me and Jeff’s Confederacy, went
      forth to sack Phil-del,
    The Yankees the got arter us, and
      giv us particular hell,
    And we skedaddled back again,
      And didn’t sack Phil-del.

Abraham Lincoln is my nam[e]
And with my pen I wrote the same
I wrote in both hast and speed
and left it here for fools to read

I just curl into a ball.
And freeze under the rafters.
I can't grab the words I need,
To release them between,
My teeth,
And stop sinking,
Below the frosted air on the ground.

The crown of my heads busted and broken,
Into fragments of love I'm reduced to splinters of glass.
I cut my throat with them to see if I hurt.
Idont.

I need to be bounded with leather.
Heart skin crocheted into "Another" heart.
Atrial to carotid,
Her hand to mine.
Just give me the digits of your finger,
And I'll give you the life of my voice.
In volumes of poem.

I still will be that little boy shivering, convulsing, and scared in the floor.
With block wings in the stone.
You will still be a life saver given to me as a cyanide pill
in my teeth.
Sides of the cheek.
Press.
Display death in my face.
Then be released with pain.
Needing no savior.
Only an outlet for talk.

I quit writing.
To quit writing is the concept.
The concept is happy.
Happiness is the end cause of the deceased.

I let the glow of the headlights
and the glow in your eyes
guide us home.

Faint chords of an old rock song
drifting out the radio,
your breath
fogging the window

You, me,
a billion points of light
hanging above our tired heads.
And then you whispered quietly to me:

"These are the moments I remember."
The cream of your voice
Dragged me back from the clouds
and I turned to you.

"these are the moments I live for."
The slight furl of your lips
and the reflection of the moon in your eyes
hurled me back into my daydreams.

And then we were silent.
And the world felt right.

And just as I went to kiss him back,

He led me to the grass and we watched as the stars

Dance above our heads.

My eyes grew weary and I lay my head on his chest

And listened to his hearts beating

The more I listened to his

The more I wish I hadn’t

Trusted my own

He was broken, like I had been not so long ago

We stood up and he left me,

Just as I had left the boy who chased me down on the beach

At this point I don’t know what to feel anymore.

The moon is gone, but the twinkling stars gaze down on me

Making my tears glisten in the grass beside my head,

At least he won’t know I'm hurt, he doesn’t need the guilt.

I lay there drained, saddened

My heart has no power left to pick me up

So I lay under the stars

And fall asleep to the universe whispering in my ear

I wake up dazed and confused wishing the hazel eyed boy

Was back at my house

Holding me

Making me feel secure

He does come back

But not in the way my heart longs for him to

His broad smile unravels the desire for a friendship

I can’t say no to his simple request

And numbly talk to him

Though it burns me so

We talk as good friends do

And he returns home

The numbness doesn’t pass

As I talk to a newly acquired “bud”

We discuss the wavy haired boy in great detail

My new friend tells me stories that make my head spin

I feel like I didn’t know the boy at all

Guess people change when you see them in the light

But my heartstrings tug at me once more

I remember his gentle side

And I find myself fighting against these stories

Trying to convince my mushroom friend that the other side

Of the boy exists

But the icy truth grips my emotions

As I realize I can never call him mine again.

My mind freezes up once again and I feel the numbness return.

I try to carry on talking to the smiling boy as if the stories I heard

Had changed nothing about him

But cannot

I look at him from this new point of view

But love him still

Because now I know he really is just human

Not perfect

But strong enough to live life with his imperfections

I am greatly comforted at knowing these things about him

But am continually attacked by the

Fact that I can’t call him mine ever again

Though I’ve told myself this repeatedly  

I blindly follow my heart,

Trying to win him over once more

The universe tells me I'm just going to end up getting hurt

Pursuing a lost cause

But I reply simply that getting hurt is part of the adventure

And the universe smiles

Allowing me to chase my desires

The sun peeks through my window to a new day

It’s not the end, it’s a new beginning

At first the light burns, from being held in the dark for so long

A voluntary imprisonment

Because that’s what I thought love was

The white light starts to warm up my soul

I smile upward knowing,

This moment was a sign of approval from the universe

I’m finally doing something right.

I go for a run and feel the country breeze run through my hair

I miss the ocean, the place I left to find myself

But now I have found myself

I can smile without the pain

Of missing the one I loved hiding behind my teeth

I confuse myself and continue on running

I don’t want to start over again

I don’t want to repeat the same pain I endured, only

A few short months ago

Why risk getting hurt?

I tell myself never return to the sanctuary again until I’m sure I'm ready

Little did I know the universe was listening to my thoughts,

And disagreeing with me

“Running away, making it to the beach, it was all an adventure

Where’s that sense of adventure that used to spark your heart?”

It died I told him, along with my heart itself

And the breeze brings in a storm as he laughs

“Part of the adventure is not being prepared.”

I return home again and once more sleep, safe and secure in the place I can call home

And the storm passes over

I won’t allow myself to return to the ocean

But a dip in the pool is close enough

All the friendly faces

This is my second home

With that thought I smile

A boy lets me go ahead of him

And lets me jump in the water on his word

Deep under the water I think back and let out too much air

Because I surprise myself,

I felt that tug of adventure seeping back into my heart

I get scared and sprint away from the feelings

Bury them on the surface, contemplate them in my mind

“No, no, NO!” I don’t want this happening again

But he’s so cute!

My mind plays tug-a-war with itself as I play it cool in front of my friends

Hiding my insecurity around him and get lost in a workout routine

The more I try to hide it the more I realize that I can’t lie to myself

So I try to see him

And the universe sends another storm

I was angry at first because I was trying again like he wanted me too

But then I realized I also had to wait

And so I did

Mulling over my thoughts I feel like an idiot as revelations occur in my mind

The sanctuary is not a place,

The sanctuary is not a boy

The sanctuary is my ability to create passion in another’s eye

It is part of me

This thought scares me and I'm glad the universe made me wait

I’m glad the universe made my heart break

All those endless nights I spent

Creating rivers with my eyes

I’m glad for the fear of starting over

And I'm glad he made me return home

Because without all this happening I would’ve never found myself

And I would’ve never returned to the sanctuary

Or found it in the first place

While bearing this in mind

I smile up at the white moon

Then get kissed by the boy who’s making me start over again.

And just as I had thought all my problems were solved

He dropped me

The smile fades from my face

And that glistening happiness leaves my eye

I was wrong

Laying there with my face in the sand I deal with the pain

What else is new?

Bitter thoughts returned, “I told you so” they sneered

I wipe the blood from my hands and the sand from my eyes

And re-organize my thoughts

How could I have been so careless?

He had a hungry heart but an empty mind

But all I saw was someone willing to hold me.

Guess this place really was just a fantasy told,

To those stupid enough to believe it

I walk alone along the water’s edge and throw stones

As tears start to burn my face and cloud my vision

Once again I find myself laying in the sand thinking, looking, wandering

A heavy sigh takes away the burden of my past love

As I tell my story to the ocean

It sways and crashes as usual

I laugh at myself for expecting a response

No one hears me anymore

So I try again this time talking to the moon

As I finish telling my tale

He hides his face away behind the clouds leaving me in the dark

Again I laugh

No one cares

But saying what has happened, hearing myself talk

Helps ease the pain

I hear the sound of quick feet behind me as yet another boy approaches me

In my unstable mood I tell him everything

Finally what I’ve been waiting for,

Pity, sorrow, someone else who can relate and give me security

As he goes to wipe the tears from my eyes I apologize

And start running

Leaving him in the same pain I'm feeling

I'm sorry but it’s too soon to start again

As I deal with the guilt of causing someone else pain

I start a journey

I realize I’m not ready to be on the beach

And I must **** up my pride and return

To the place I left, in my haste to get here

I was wrong

I was blind

I come through the front door expecting hatred and get hugged

I was loved

Why would I throw that away?

I cry at my lack of inexperience

And lock myself away in my ocean of a room

Return to the thoughts

Return to the memories I tried to run from

And embrace them

Look for the universal meaning for their occurrence

Then I sleep

The iridescent moonlight glistens on the wet sand of the shore

Cold, salty water licks at my toes as I walk

My legs resist moving as they cry out in pain from running

But I ignore the discomfort and continue on my way

My legs are used to running

I’ve had to run for as long as I can remember,

Away from all the pain and rejection in my life

Other times I’ve had to returned home

To the same hate and lack of understanding thrown in my face

I’ve always had to stay there because I had nowhere else to go

But this time it’s different

This time I’ve run farther than I ever imagined I would,

To a secret place only a lucky few will ever find

I was told about this sanctuary

But never truly believed it existed

Unrealistic, like a dream, I was certain I would never find it

Yet here I stand on miles of beautiful beach, far away from home, alone with my thoughts

So far away that no emotions can cause me pain here

A cool ocean breeze makes me shiver as I finally regain my breath

Waves crash only a few feet away from me

Salty air sprays in my face

I glance up at the moon and stare for a few moments before continuing on my way

A hand slips into mine and I whip around in shock

The moonlight shows me an angelic form

Soft brown locks blow in the wind as hazel eyes stare into my own

My heart starts beating faster and faster

I am dazed, confused, tripping over my own words

Love, but it can’t be

A mistake surely…

For no one has ever loved me

I try to speak but white crashing water takes away my words

And leaves me with my thoughts

I have been running all my life, and I have found the sanctuary,

But how is this boy leaving me feeling more complete

Than I ever was lost in my subconscious?

My thoughts are broken

His hand leads me by the water’s edge

A cloud of logic returns

“This can’t be real” “You don’t deserve him”

Words of reason begin racing through my mind

And he stops once more

His hand neatens a piece of my hair blown by the breeze

My heart beats again faster, faster, and faster yet

And before I realize it he has left me with a kiss

The words “catch me if you can” linger in the air

A smile creases my face, the first genuine smile I’ve had in a long time

I ignore my thoughts and listen to my heart,

As I chase down the handsome boy that has left me questioning everything

I slow down and loose his tracks as the beach ends

I am left alone with palm trees and sand dunes

My thoughts catch up with me and I panic

And just as I begin to believe this all was fabled up in my mind

An unseen force tackles me to the sand

On my cheek kiss after sweet kiss

Until I can bear it no longer and kiss him in return

I feel my life flash before my eyes

Every memory, every last painful memory is relived

And I bury myself in his arms to hide from the pain

I am left bewildered, wondering why I am so saddened

Then it cuts me like a knife

But pain runs deeper than cuts, pain is in the mind

I realize I have never felt such sincere compassion before

Not from friends, family,

As this new sensation runs through my veins

His strong arms carry me away from the shore

Another revelation occurs inside my racing mind

The sanctuary isn't my beloved shore

It is found within him.