Before you go
Write something I'd only know
Without ever braving to show

Write about the humidity
Of that day,
Write about the thickness of tongues
Holding back words too scared to say

Write about how I wanted your arm
To be around me then,
How that light somehow dwindled and dimmed

Tell the story of blue and grey,
The way we were carefree that day
And your cheeks blushed in a different kind of way
About the memories for you won't stay
And how every picture loses meaning
And like a sunset, begins to fade

Write about the way you replace this thing,
Cover the discolored paint with the beauty your new life brings

Send it disclosured to me,
I'll rub my thumb along it to help my blindness see
All the things you wished I used to be

I'll brand it on my skin,
Lace it down with ribbons the color of your eyes
And show the world every time
Placed over my treasured heart,
A feeling of sublime

I wonder why
people are utterly so
mean and careless
in the world and times
have changed a lot
since then.

I was mean and destructive,
fell far off course and became
some horrible person.
I lost myself and the sight
I should have kept.

I hope life continues
to treat you with the utmost kindest ways
and I hope there's rough times
but I know you'd make it
through them easily.

And maybe my words,
they don't mean what they did
to you back then.
But I am so proud of you.
I'm sorry life disfigured me,
turned me into what isn't enough.

But I'm finding my way again
And regardless of what anyone thinks of me,
or how they believe
I don't deserve an easy life,
I know I can make it through.

Because you're not that same person and
neither will I ever be.
Some people go in phases of three within their life.
Who they were,
Who they became,
And the person they choose to be.

I don't want to be negative anymore,
I don't want to be bitter towards everyone
Bitter to the point it's hard to hold a conversation with me.
I don't want to look for the bad in people.
I don't want to have to be numb to be able to feel like I'm something worth more than dirt.

I don't want to be ******* myself
and bring everyone down.
I want to be the person that still goes up and asks old people if they need help.
Not because I feel like I have to keep that up,
to withstand the appearance that I'm fine and normal
But because I want to help people
I don't want to put myself down with the way I look or think.
I know I'm not perfect but I know someone out there
Will see past the insecurities and physical
And just see that my bite isn't anything like the way I feel,
Like you once did

I don't know the person you are now and I don't think I ever will,
But I choose to believe you wouldn't be so mean.
I choose to believe you're still nice and caring like you were.
And that will help me get through my hard days
And will help me remember how far I'll have come on my bad days.

Whoever you are now,
I hope life is beautiful and brilliant because that's all I wanted for the boy I knew back then.

They know how to hide

  Their favorites in life really well

    And I'm no longer gonna

      Waste my time, it's different

Because everything was wrong

           Before recollection struck

   And I'm leaving my past behind

But I won't leave you behind

               You don't want a part

    But that's fine,

       You have plenty of parts

              To make up for lost time

I'm happy for you

         In everything that you do

You were the best and only

             Good thing that actually

    Happened to me thus far,

I won't ever abandon that

          Reminder when everyone

Slithers and begs to see me

             Tumble far, far down

I hope you're not one that

     Thinks like that of me

                    But I will carry you

   Through this pain with me

Because I knew your

             Pure heart once like you

  Once knew I had one

                       I disappoint the best,

     I make up in undying devotion

             Deep within my soul

    I hope you're ultimately happy,

       I hope you are truly whole

Oh



I told you not to stand beside them

And you told me of another,

The one before

And hey,

No one compares to the first,

Right?

And it's good if you're

Finally able to give it all,

You know?

Finally able to be free


'Cause he works at camps


And he's happy and been


Together for years and ****,


How about some compassion?


He was my first.

She told me that I am


              Kind and caring and


After I help her out some


              She tells me I'm sweet


I tell her,


                  Despite what you hear


      I try to help out however I can


          Because I know how it feels


To have no one around to help


               And how no one likes me


And talks about me






               She looks at me and says,



I love you!



        I would never talk about you



And if I did,


        It's about something funny you said


                 She tells me not to listen


To what people say about me



          'Cause she knows



              That I'm a good person,



     That I'm sweet and helpful



           I've thought recently,



                   Very, very recently,



    About confiding in her about



How much this hurts,



             And if I was brave



                  I'd cry my eyes out




   Because I've told another,



                 Got teary eyed but



      It never went further down



              




            Before all of this



She tells me of her cousin







          And how she worries







For him after Trump was elected







          And I'm left to wonder







How it feels to date someone







        With the same name






                                        As a cousin

This is poetry,
It's me writing what
I truly feel inside,
What I feel when
I am reminded of a time

And I have experienced
So many times since then
And I have experienced
So many times that have
Nothing to do with this

That last one reminded, it knocked
The hell out of me in a way
That is undeniable
I wish I could say
I'm sorry to him
Not for how it ended
But because it was never him

I remember thinking
At the beginning that
He would be a momentary filler
That it would last a month,
Maybe two months
And that it was really because
I was just waiting for you

And along the way,
He made me forget because
I let myself forget everything
And he made me feel loved
And he made me feel wanted
And I did love him then and I did want him then
And he made me a horrible
Disfigured form of who I was
Because I chose to let him and
Myself become that

It wasn't real and it wasn't fake
I did love him, he was a part of
My growing life and I wish
I could tell him that
Im sorry for being such a
Horrible humain being,
Just ******* out everything
Because I needed to feel whole
And it's because...
I wasn't whole, I wasn't really anything
Because I left who I was,
I left everything back there,
I left it with you

And it's inexcusable what I did
And how I hurt people
All along the way,
It was my very own form
Of a thick wall, it wasn't who
I truly am
None of this is
The lying, the drugs,
The endless suffering
I have to let go of that part,
That wall isn't who I am anymore

And even though you moved on,
You may not even believe
Anything I say in this,
I can feel the carefree and innocence that I was before
I eventually met you and
The joyful, brave, courageous person
You once made me after I met you

And if I never see you again,
If I never talk to you or hear from you again,
I do love you
I love you in the simplest of ways
And I love you in the most agonizingly difficult for the brain to comprehend ways
I love who you made me and I hate who I let myself become
But I love how you and myself reminded me
Of everything I used to be
And I take this love that I have for you and I take this relearning to love love for myself
And I'm becoming who I was but turning it into
Who I am with the who I used to be
And I can only ever thank you and me for who I will be

And I wish you could see this journey,
I wish you could experience the final,
The new and improved
And in a way you will because I'm taking you everywhere I go
And it will be met with every ghost and regret I have ever went through and made,
Probably more than once will they be met,
But regardless of what happens,
I will walk out of it and continue,
With you inside of me

I'm sorry if I let you down,
And if that's the reason you will never be actually around
I'm sorry I can't take back what I did and the things I said
But if we somehow meet again along this way
I swear I hope you're happy and free and even when im
Bitter and angry at you or myself or the world,
I will always be here for you and I swear I will never let myself
Forget you in any way possible

You completed me in a way that I could never understand
You made me feel a way I had never felt before
You made me a better version of myself,
Sure I still had doubt and self esteem problems,
But you made me strong and brave and fierce and happy and loving and determined and youthful and an endless kind of happy and love
That follows you everywhere you go even when
You can't see it or if you forget it and no longer
Can you feel it in or around you

Even though I'm so freaking down right now
And I cry and feel angry and hurt and confused
Because I still have doubts and self esteem problems
And trust issues and so many more issues,
I can feel it again and you know what?
It's the best feeling I've had in so long that I don't honestly know
How to contain it
It's burning inside me and it's wanting to be set free to spread through
Every vein and muscle and inch of my body

And I love it,
I love this feeling and I feel like it's a feeling that loves me too
And it's foreign but remembered and that makes me love it even more
And I'm starting to love myself again slowly and I know it takes time and
I hate how im still so impatient with everything and how
I envy those with patience because that's a part of who they are and
It's not a part of me but it may eventually be because who knows what the future holds

And I hope your present is bright and fruitful and
Somehow everyday something happens and you find
Even more of a reason to beam so brightly
And everyday after that is bigger and better and warmer
Because I love you like I have never loved anyone because there was never supposed to be anyone but you

And if the possibility of someone else in the future arouses,
If everything is really too late,
I will never let them change me unless it's positive
They can add onto what I and yourself helped put into me
And you will still never go away,
This love for you will never go away like it never really did,
Just fogged and pushed away
But it isn't anymore, it never will be again

Because I enjoy this love,
It doesn't feel weighed down and suppressed with the liability of demands and expectations
It's pure and whole and giving and peaceful
It's a love that is loved

It was time to go,


                  She's impatient but


      I'm obligated to love her for


This life that allowed me to once


             Know of who you w e r e


  I'm not one for physical contact,


             I'm sure s o m e o n e ( s ) ,


           s o m e w h e r e


               could easily confirm this


As still relevant for  t o d a y


        But you are  h e r e , but


                you really are not


     Because you are g o n e


           And I have moisture on my


L e s s. t h a n  p e r f e c t  f a c e


           But I'm in a hurry this time


              To wipe it off without the


   Urgency to not make her mad


Because she is wild and she is


        ******* i n g  c r a z y  but


She is beautiful in the way


          When s he finds something,


    When s he finds some o n e


                 That made her feel a


Fraction of what she wanted


        Them to feel,


             She will love them until


    Her breathing stops


                  And all t h e s e


   Dreams are turned to stars


        That will help the few that


            Will  m a g i c a l l y  meet


     Keep hope and never, e v e r


                Let them slip through


     Their fingers


        And so you're  g o i n g  but


         There is no one rushing you


          I  d o n ' t  have the strength


   To do what you


o n c e  u p o n  a  t i m e  did


            But I will stand h e r e


If you decide to come back


   Ignoring my c r i e s this time to


         P l e a s e


                  D o n ' t


                           G o . . .


But you're g o n e


             And still,



I  h o l d  o n

I momentarily hope
It's a bitter taste
Sometimes when you
Find me in things

When she moves
In just the right way
To have a little,
Itty bitty, tiny
Speck of gliter
That the light hits perfectly
And it shimmers in
Your eyes for an
Agonizing moment

Or if you're enjoying
The day while playing
Like children in the grass
And you both sit up
For a moments rest,
And you catch sight of
A flower in her hair
And it takes you back to
When I was younger and
Talking through my smile
And blushing because I
Never had the nerve to
Talk to anyone else like this

Or when you sing a song
And it's really about her,
I hope it's sometimes
A little painful because
Where the **** would you
Be exactly if I never pointed
Out how you should work
For those dreams because you
Have something to be proud of?

Then when the precise moment
You decide to do the fantastic,
Great and holy 'I do', I hope you
Delicately move a hair from
Her gloriously perceived face
And scratch the **** out of it
With the claws of a monster
And you have to think, well ****,
Are the ones I believed to be
Bad for me the ones that were
Really the bad ones?

And I hope it's a hellish bitter
Taste when you inevitably
Make her cry and the stars and
Big beautiful moon are
Reflected in her oh, so perfect
Eyes and you wipe them away
Like you did when you made
Me cry because I chose you
To be the first person I
Let myself cry in front of
Willingly because I couldn't
Control my emotions until
The moment I met you and how
No ones here to wipe my tears now
Except myself because ****,
Who's human, right?
Who's perfect enough to not
Make small and gigantic mistakes?

The moon is big
And it's full,
It's the kind of moon
That lights up the whole
Place at night,
Almost like this deeper twilight
And it's beautiful in the way
It's indescribably sad
And it watches me console
My own tears and holding
Them tightly in
Is the moon leaning down
To kiss you now?
Does it wrap you up
In the warmest form of a hug?
I wish I could say
That I was asleep in the sense
Of frozen and forever
But every breath is labored
And unbelievably painful,
Every time I cry, I just keep
Crying more until my eyes burn
And my head hurts and there's
Not a single person here
To help it, to hold it until
All of this bad goes away
And I'm just talking to my
Very own moon,
The light shines but it's too far to reach and
I think death would be
Substantially better
Than this hell

This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough

I will take these bones


   And make them something new


I will take this wild mind


                     And learn a new view


I will take this soul


           And cleans it to white gold


I will take this heart


           And teach it to be bold


I will take this hurt


         And learn from my mistakes


I will take these sunken eyes


      And find beauty in everything


Burn my skin and torch my hair,


My kind of love was never fair


I met a maker of the purist kind,


He taught me compassion in time


The lessons were forgotten,


The holy was unbegotten


In this forcing and changing line


So I take this life as mine,


It's never felt so bright in the shine


And things change,


People do too


I wish I could have stayed true


But this feeling is the deepest blue


In the way we were two of the few


He is far away enjoying life too much,


Wish I could've given him that rush


But there's only thin air to touch


And he doesn't read what I write


To see if what I feel is right


But every day and every night


I find a way to remember his light


Take these moments to live a life bright

What if


              this red thread


       is tied to the dead carcass


of what you used to be?

His words could be

        

    

               Like honey,



Thick and sweet,



                       Fills up too fast and



  Constructs the air in your throat




Or it could be milk,



                Smooth and stills



And calms the burning of doubt

There's a person

                That tells me I'm sweet,

   That I am a good person,

        They never say anything about me,

      And that I should never listen

To what others say

                 I'd cry and ask her why

     I feel this way

And tell how it hurts that

     I don't know what to do

        But I was told by another to be

Prepared for the worst,

             He was never mine,

     And don't let it bring me down

But if I go any further

  


             I think I'd hit some

      Of these people's





                                 levels






And I wonder how he could change

            Or maybe he hasn't



Will time ever tell?



              Stay tuned

It was cold and you disagreed
That it was too small of a body
To create a cool breeze
And you asked if I wanted to go warm up,
I said no,
My reason in my mind was because we couldn't
Talk like this with them around
And I was scared to death I'd never hear your voice again
I remember that feeling
I remember that thought
And we sat facing the water under the stars
And it got heavy fast, everything is heavy now
And you got up, you stood in fronf of me
And it was dark but the street light
Helped me see your face and maybe you just didn't want me to feel sad anymore
So you held my face and complemented me
And you probably didn't realize how nice that was
Or the way no one had ever done that to me
And you would sigh and look down and be so determined
And you have no idea how bad I wish you would have been nice like that again

You dug them up,
Did as you said
You tried so hard
It was always like that
From the very start

And maybe you meant,
To find the way to be
The one a lost soul
Could have believed

And was it bittersweet
To have it all remembered
And everything felt again
It helped me find solid ground for my feet

But this mind is
Still at war and
It remembers the
Way you created this

All the beauty,
The courage, the strength
We could never repay you
And these words will
Never be enough too

You breathed them out
And we took them in,
There's no room for this
You're past the end

We'll cherish these things,
Close to our heart is where
They will stay no matter
What time may bring

If you rest easy,
I'm eternally glad for you
If you struggle to understand
I will always have a willing hand

And you have big plans
That I hope was planted
When I was the one free
And was able to take a stand

I hope you reach those dreams,
Every single one of them

And if we meet again without even trying
I'll still feel this and I'll ask you
And if you say you don't have time
I know I will simply say,

"I really wish you did,
But I understand, sometimes life
Isn't everything you make of it
I hope you're happy in all that you do,
I will always cheer for you"

I'll walk away,
A smile on my face
Leave it to you to be so clever,
I'm the only one to know this forever,

Maybe now she'll
fully participate when
she's imagining your
graceful love and she doesn't
know if your hands are
soft or rough but
she imagines they're soft so
the hands that pass the time
on her are soft and
she doesn't remember what
you smelt like or if you still
smell like that but the
darkness of her eyelids portray
the grass and water and
trees and it will sometimes
smell like it just rained
and sometimes it will smell
like sunshine and summer air
and she doesn't know
how it feels to be a part
of your hair but the hair
in front of her will be yours,
eyes closed and she is
used to this, imagining
it was someone it would
never be and it never
felt right and she doesn't know
if it will always stay like this
but at least with her
eyes closed now she'll
participate and
wouldn't you know,
that's a whole
new joke of
it's own

I'm sitting in this almost sunset sun
And I'm wondering if yours are this beautiful too
Or if they're more beautiful than mine
I hope they never hurt you like mine do now
Do you feel free with every one of them?
More free than the last one
And I'm wondering if I'll live another one now
Without wondering how they would have
Tasted in my grinning mouth
And on my sun bleached hair and perfectly
Normal and good enough skin if I was the one dancing
In them with you
And I want to get drunk,
So drunk that I stumble down all these streets and alleyways
Until I make it back to your memory
And lay in the frosted grass beside you
While we watch the puffs of our breaths mesh together
In this perpetually never ending winter air
And I'd close my eyes while your unchanging hand
Caresses my still young face and I would breathe your form in
And open my eyes to watch you disappear
Then run, run as fast as my tired feet could take me
Back to where everything really started and
I wouldn't have cared this time if you got mad
Because I wanted you to feel it, to taste it on my lips
To know that it was me and this was special and it really was meant to be
And you wouldn't vanish from my hands that are around your face and the anger
Would be gone and your eyes would flutter open along with mine and I'd smile
In the exact same way you used to make me smile
So I could vanish with you this time and
We would live these days with no walls and I wouldn't let myself
Go and look like this and think like this
And we would grow old and tired but I would love you just the same
And maybe I wouldn't be something to be ashamed of and you wouldn't misuse words and promises because I hurt you and we wouldn't wake up one day when it's too late
Because when you disappear into the sun, no matter where you ever go and who you go with,
I swear I will disappear with you

She'd build flowers and paint pictures
To remind you that she's still there,
Deep inside where you both reside now
She'd punch through all your walls
Until her skin was gone and the meat
Was tethered to show the blinding white
Of her still trying bones
She'd take her eyes out so you could see
Just how far you've made her go to remember how to breathe
And how important and the center you've become
And when she'd sweat and curse,
Feel like she isn't worth your love,
You'd dab the sweat off her forehead
And hold her tight to soak up the pain
That would shake into your vertebrate
That's made out of armor and would end their life
Because you'd never want her to spend another sleepless night

He told you he'd find a way
To give it back to you
And you could finish the maze
But doubt in this is fuzzy peaches
And I've ate one too many
It doesn't just physically show,
Like the jokes he has told,
But it mentally is known
Doubt is ugly in ruining everything
But it's beautiful in the way you remember
All these things
And I wonder if it was a bitter slap in the face
When he finally found a way to give it back,
Did it hurt as much as it does when
I'm waking up and begging thin air
To silence my fear the way you did at the end of gravel road?
Im running through my past now,
Delicately piecing these broken pieces back together
But only in the confines of my mind
Because I could never finish your story
Stories endings change all the time
And you're voice isn't in the wind,
Telling me it's beside the street lamp,
Like you'd be waiting patiently for me there
But I'm dangling my legs over the hollywood sign
I look down and it's a far way to the ground
But the impact would hurt less if I told your shoulder goodbye one last time
And not just looking at it but by smothering my face against it,
Leaving damp trails there that I would
Hope never dries before I hit this dirt and
Become one with this ungrateful earth that I will rejoice in the memory of what could have been if I was not feeble and courageous in the way you once formed me

Heart of blue florescence
The memory like moths,
Attracts the reminder
Unforeseen the pain
In the way I now sob your name
But there's no one meeting under here
Silence creeps in like the night
Confusion bites like mosquitoes,
Realization is the thump
In the surrounding woods, unseen
The dark consumes fast

I sat in the far back,
You were in the front
With all your friends,
Goofing off and taking pictures,
Being loud and annoying
But I really just wanted a picture with you,
I scuffed right after that thought
Because look at you
I think you tried to make me laugh
Or tried annoying me
So I faked like I was ignoring you
But you made me laugh
With your dunb stupid ways
And your cheeks were extra red,
More than their seemingly consistent
Rosy pinkish red
But I can close my eyes now
And remember how the green
Fiber tickeled my palm as I
Slowly but gently scooted my hand
Close to you and I was worried to death
Because I didn't know what you'd do
And I remember the green cushion turning
Into the metal that connected the two,
It was cool against my hot flesh
Because you made my heart race
And I was worried because I liked you
And I looked down and I was close,
So freaking close that I couldn't stand it
And you were there and you treated me
Like I was something important and like I wasn't unwanted
And you looked at me
You looked at me and you never laughed because of anything
Like the other people did
And you was making those silly faces and I was trying so hard not to laugh
And you flopped your hand down and lifted your shoulders
And I was feeling reckless,
Reckless but like I was about to die
And pinky touched pinky,
Skin meshed into skin
And I pulled back and I swear
Out of all the thibgs my hand had ever felt before that moment,
It was a spark that lit up every part
And you kept your hand there and we shyly giggled and smiled
And from that moment you gave me courage to be brave with you
And I wish, I swear I would give anything to have those moments again
To have you put that back in me
But something else causes sparks
To erupt and light up every part of you
And that spark isn't me

A bat followed me home,
I looked up through the window

It flew in and out of the light
That my car gave off to the overhanging trees
For a short time

And it instantly clicked,
Bats and rats,
Rice and beans,
Baseball and Saturday's

Why do you remember everything?

And my overbearing imagination
Likes to pretend it was
Almost as if saying you were here
Because I've drove that road hundreds of times
But I've never been down one
That hurts and opens me up
Just like the one you built for me

And it's laughable to say
I would gladly go float in that nasty pond
So the bats could gather and fly me away
To a place where you would choose to stay

She's like a drug,
The kind that's bad
For the body and lungs
But she's also like the kind
That makes a presence
Come to life and blind
The poor excuse of her

She makes mistakes,
Causes a big disgrace
And tries to make it right
But ends up losing every fight
And dims her very own light
Each and every time

She feels like a burden,
Something stale and harden
And easily is pardoned
Of feeling close to belonging
Looked over while dying

And she has trust issues,
Problems balled up in tissue
Akin to the disgusting flu
And bitter on so much too
But now she only has the ghost of you

She'd never use a hand to hold her head up,
Everything you'd say is enough
Look at you with childlike wide eyes
And believe it was no lies
Every word you'd say,
Another star in her universe
And your eyes are the moon
And your soul, the setting sun
All meshed together to form
Her favorite part of the day,
The time to take a favorite picture

She would break things,
Try to pick them up on her own
But you'd bend down and
Let the pieces cut your fingers too
And she'd kiss yours better,
You'd rap hers up in loves bandage leather
And she'd delicately dance around
Every single one of those things,
Learn 'cause you'd complete her

She'd work hard to be the perfect form
Of everything you'd adore,
Worthy enough to straddle your lap,
Devour your holy lips while you grab her ***
And bump noses to only end up in fits of laughs
And she'd only have thoughts of you,
You'd have only eyes for her
And she'd do the things even the purest of pure
Could never manage to do

She'd build flowers and paint pictures
To remind you that she's still there,
Deep inside where you both reside now
She'd punch through all your walls
Until her skin was gone and the meat
Was tethered to show the blinding white
Of her still trying bones
She'd take her eyes out so you could see
Just how far you've made her go to remember how to breathe
And how important and the center you've become
And when she'd sweat and curse,
Feel like she isn't worth your love,
You'd dab the sweat off her forehead
And hold her tight to soak up the pain
That would shake into your vertebrate
That's made out of armor and would end their life
Because you'd never want her to spend another sleepless night

But this is all she feels now,
And she feels alone now
Every song and every memory
Is about you somehow
Every movement and every plan
Revolve around you like she still has a chance
But it's all in her head,
She comes back to reality where she
Is really all alone
Opens her eyes and she's dancing with your phantom
Because she is a
li·a·bil·i·ty,
She's sometimes too much for even me

You


      are


not


      half


of


     what


you


      thought


you


       were


And


        I


will


        never


be


        half


of


        what


I


         wished


to


          be

I will sit with you
In the way we used to
I'll do what you used to do,
Wipe my own tears
And erase my fears
I'll breathe in this winter
Exhale innocent wonder
Of an endless summer
And feel death come closer
It's far gone from you,
I'm the only one that suffers
This lonely afternoon

I
managed
to
cough
and
sigh
ten
times
without
even
realizing,
gue­ss
that's
a
part
of
why
you
aren't
here

I have different dreams now
And the fear has been added on
I have a different strength now,
One that lacks in every way
But it doesn't matter cause
You found the strongest one for the day!
And all my dreams, they involve you
All my fear is still being forgotten too

You're off having fun


And I'm watching you enjoy


Every new sun and it feels like


I maybe never even existed to you

In the corner,


                                     Out of view



           Don't let me see



                      What you choose






       That's far better than me




           And everything I can never




                        Pretend to be

I have a lot of things left to write,
A lot of things for lost time
And everything is vivid now
I can almost smell the way it was

And you walked barefooted
But I was too cautious
Cause when I was younger there
My father let me place my bare feet
Atop his shoes to walk across the gravel
I wish I could hold these moments until they came back to life
By the warmth of being reminded put back in my heart

Are they not cautious like I was?
Do they follow you wherever you go?

I wish I could be the one
To take your hands and let you balance on my feet
Whenever times are hard,
I wish I could be carefree like them, like you
But I became dependent when he would raise my hands
And do silly dances as I laughed until we got to the car
And I wasn't scared to place my feet on the ground

This is what it was like,
I was standing on your feet until you carried me to
Who I used to be and now my feet are on this ground
And the unknown that I became dependent on
Is no where to be found

You've been to hell before
Danced and made love to the devil
He messed with your heart
But you let him in
And he messed with your head
But you took what he handed you
And you thought life couldn't get worse
But you never knew it could be like this
And this isn't the devil
He may think he's bad but
He is good and he is light and
Now you're staying up late
You lay there and reach out above you
And you're numb while your fingers
Crinkle and uncrinkle and they're stiff,
Like they've been frozen in time for a decade
You're just now learning to use them again
While your eyes cross and roll back
And you mumble incoherently about the things
You wish you should have said to him
Before it was too late
And you can't look yourself in the mirror
You can look disgustedly at yourself but
You can't make eye contact with the reflection
Of your fading blue eyes
So you search how to throw up without it
Being so dangerous for you because
You'll be ****** to go through the pain
Without him noticing the final result
And you're digging up the past,
You buy more foundation and mate gloss
And you wonder what color he would like
But he probably doesn't like any of this but you
Just don't know what he likes and
You probably never did fully know everything right
And you'd grow your hair out but you're
Too fat and it's too hot for it
But when you master that toothbrush technique finally
You'll let it grow out and you'll buy new, pretty clothes
And maybe he'll find something worthwhile in you then
And if he doesn't
You can wipe the makeup off
Chop your hair off and put different clothes on,
Baggier clothes
And if he still doesn't see potential
Then I guess you're just out of luck because
You've had someone inside of you
Someone that fit into places but you've never
Had anyone inside of you everywhere like this
And it's amazing and it tastes bitter and it's exhilarating and
It's something you want to mourn and something you want to hold forever
But if it's not enough,
If it never will be enough,
All the things you have to offer and the
Things you both once planned,
If he doesn't find it good enough
You can always live in this glass case,
Like a trophy, a prized possession
Because you've went through life feeling like there was something missing,
Something that belonged but you forgot what it was and now
You remember it and you will always cherish it
And hold it tight like your life depends on it
Because it does,
Your life depends on this.

I could never paint the picture
Like you did,
I could never remember every detail
Like you did
I could never put so much into it
Like you did
I'm not creative like that and in reality,
You are absolutely right,
I am far below you
I can't take back what I said and did
And is staying up until 5 a.m. a part of the punishment?
Who the **** knows?
Im writing ****** poetry because there is nothing
Left in me that doesn't scream your name
And I want to write it down so you will know,
So you can see how much you change peoples lives
I can't tell you how to live but I hope you live it freely
I hope you're not afraid to be everything you have always wanted
I hope you enjoy the air and holding hands
I hope you stay dancing and making silly faces
I hope you hold onto all that makes you proud
I hope you hold onto what makes you you
I hope the best for you and all that you do
I wish I could experience it with you but I know I never will
And you're right,
It is part of my lie
That's the only thing im consistent at lying about now
How I wish I could trust someone
And now I wish it was you
And I'll wish it was you that's doing stupid things with me
I'll wish it was you that I'll be telling good things to
And in a way I will tell you
It'll be just silently
And I wish that you could have loved me
But I understand because you're so far above me
And im now just swimming in this past,
But im back peddling and im enjoying it,
Bathing in it is a pastime now,
This is my favorite part of my life
And no matter how you feel now or whatever you do,
It will never change that

You sometimes meet people
Out of the ordinary,
By accident or something pushed you together
Either way they have changed your life forever

And sometimes things don't work out
Sometimes some are lucky and they do

They say you forget things if they're not that important
But sometimes that's just not true
You forget sometimes so you can be reminded of who you were
When you have lost your way

We met by chance in all honesty
And you showed me how to be something
I thought I could never be
And I taught you to be proud and
Showed you how to be free
And you lose things over time,
Physical and emotionally,
The things you thought you would always hold close
Is replaced with other things

But the thing I hope you remember is how
I used to make you feel
Even about your talent or how I showed
I didn't have any myself by writing that weak *** poem on the first page
About how to be free

As I'm finding myself again
I remember being brave
And having nerve to go out of my way
And maybe it's indifferent to you now
But someday I'll try to go out of my way again
And I might fail a few times,
I might stumble and fall
But I'll get back up and do it again
And I will try really hard to make you proud too

Blue fluorescent,



           Bugs circled in the buzzing hue



   Feel this presence crawling under skin



         Like the bugs did while talking to you



Wooden barrel water fountain



          Met there every night



Because you were busy



       And the hurt I felt because



You couldn't spend every second win me



            Doesn't hurt as bad as this

She'd ask them,



                        See what they'd say


       If you're so happy and free



                Maybe you actually miss it



          But she is already perceived as



     Crazy, lunatic and unsafe



                     And that's what she is



Your perfect, extraordinary,



                     Little



    Creation



                You know everything to



     An exact T about her



          Now the Bride of Frankenstein,



                                   Tell her,



               Is she as beautiful as you



           Thought she might be?



               Is she deranged enough for you?



         And she's crazy,



              She's ballistic for this



        All the highs, the lows,



              The way you brag about the other



                  The way you recited every word



            The way you carry the sun



    The way you know just the way to her heart



                 She is crazy for you



      And there is absolutely nothing



                She could ever do



     To be the things you first admired



                 And now a creation of you



           That could just possibly never be of use

I

  have

   absolutely

    nothing

     left

      to

       believe

        

                    in.

I get the sense of how upset
I was to not get to watch fireworks that year
And then when I met you,
I was glad I didn't get to
Because you set fireworks in me
That exploded on their own many years later,
With no one to see the full potential of the colors
I wonder when you stopped
Wishing I was around to see firworks with you
And started wishing it was someone else
I wonder when I'll stop remembering
Things because of everyday actions,
And if I do stop,
Will it be this constant hollow void
Instead of the momentary void
When I am reminded of something
That is then replaced by nostalgia
Because that summer was
******* brilliant
I don't know how to be that brilliant anymore
I've loved since then and had some great summers too
Even if it's gone,
You have to admit it was extraordinary and life changing
And I'll never understand how
I could let myself no longer be your favorite summer

Look past
The indifference
And remember
The good times

Remember me
For the sweet
And caring things
Not angry and
Toiletry things

Because I'll
Remember the way
Your face flushed
And you were keen
At looking at the ground
Just the same at making
Silly faces and singing
Me songs that are heard
By someone else now

I'll remember
Summer rain and
Storms with flowers
Because you like to
Be an ever-present reminder

And sometime I'll dance
In the rain and I'll dance
When there's a party and
No matter who is beside me
I'll silently do it for you

And you never felt it,
You probably never will
But sometimes it's just there
And you remember why it is
Or who it's for because
You couldn't get rid of the feeling
Even if you forgot these things

And I will always feel it and
Remember who it's for
Im distant and gone from you now
And I don't know if you ever
Really felt anything but
I will always love you

Because you made me brave
And you made me laugh
You made me believe in myself
When no one else took the time
To even learn my name
Before making fun of me
Because you tried so hard
And I let you down

Shallow,

                

                      Hollow breaths


           Blued and grayed skin



    Stretches over expanding rib cage



        Padded microscopic indented tips

        

                 Move over spherical bone

  

          Over and over again


               Maybe now she's enough


      Years of being alone,


               Nothing made sense


    Chapped and cracked lips


Break into a smile



              Liquid moisturizes scarce places,


             No longer dry


        He'd prefer her like this,


Something to be proud of




                          She takes a breath,




    Another one,




                   Haggard and labored



      She is frozen

Come away with her,

         Into a place where

This frozen time never fades,

       Both far and w i d e

Come away with her,

       You will only see

The still standing form of a tree

       That partook in composing reality

She's dressed in eternal white,

        Florescent blue street light

Concret and a barrel,

        Grass and gravel

Sun soaked murky water,

         Metal for the leather orange baller

A place where one rose stays true

        And the born again

Mind body and soul

         Is ever-present enough for you

Time is past and past,

           Is forever present

A hand caresses her sunken face,

              A heavenly place

But with just one gust of wind

             She opens her tired eyes,

The hand is but only mine