It wasn't a willow tree,

                     It wasn't pine,

      Definitely not a place to hide a form of dime

             Defended your high honor,

               Talked endlessly for days

         Where embrace took breath away

     Promises to always stay

               But things don't go as plan,

            And I'm no longer your most admired fan

       Under that big tree no longer stands

            The wood curved to host,

    Mocking tree with wood,

           A cruel joke

      Under tree, I'm a fish out of water,

           Breathing becomes harder

    I shake from the cold,

Even though sun shines in pure gold?

          Dirt sticks to crimson stained skin

      Bare like the tableless tree,

   Heart mourns to the akin

Of the disjointed promises to be free

             And the never knowing

     Taste of thee

Sheets soaked,

She lies in silence of the great unknown

Her body quivers as she tugs

Her graceless arms between her risen knees

She takes deep breaths,

Stares at the fading sun

Vivid yellow like the locks

She tries to recapture to remind her

Of the time she partook in his time

Eyes baggy and dark,

It was another restless night

Now grow dry from remembering

The way he once made days shine

She blinks halfheartedly once,

Lost concentration staring at the wall

The sun had turned orange cream in its descending fall

The colors seep through slit blinds,

Slice her from neck to thigh

Her heart beacons with a mournful why

As her mind does tell her the defeated rhyme

She wonders how the sun tastes to him now

And if he buys them the prettiest flow-ers

She sighs a sigh of defeat,

Rolls over and let's her aching thoughts

Carry her off to a sacred retreat

She touches him there,

Runs her fingers through his hair

Up against the closed door of a bathroom stall

Legs protect her from the fall

She breaths him in,

Goes where she imagines no one has ever been

She only realizes in her dream

The whole time she had cried,

Up until telling his shoulder goodbye

I haven't cried
In front of my father
For at least five years

And I haven't felt
This lost in
Quite literally ever

I'm crumbling,
F
  a
    l
      l
        i
          n
            ­g

      A


                          p
  
    a

              ­     r

    

                                        t

And


I

have never needed
something as bad as
I do


                                                      you


­But you're

                           g o n e

How do you know the pain is real?

He trampled over my life and had to be reminded to make sure I was alright.

He walked all over me and I, all over him.

And one day I decided I was much better. A black hole, let him roam life degrading different souls.

I came to realize this was not true pain.

When I found your face, there was a pin prickle wave from my feet to my brain. I swear I almost threw up from flashbacks hitting my conscious like an 18-wheeler.

And a hollow cry that broght tears I thought I thought were dry when I realized I can never have those promises kept.

A hollowness that reopened old cracks that pushed further until they reached the core of matter.

You were the only good thing in my life and I have changed my mind one ******* million times but I took full blame for the way you will never want to see me stay true to my promises ending in the intended way.

True pain is realizing that it was supposed to always be you.

True pain is thinking I no longer have a heart because it was broken, but then realizing from the very start my heart was in your hand. Finding you again gave me my real heart back, not the one I handmade after we said bye that day.

True pain is breaking my heart that you gave back because I realized I ******* everything up.

True pain is him coming back to do everything he could possibly do, but it would never be enough because it's not you. I know you're long gone, but I hope someday you will find the truth in my words.

True pain is clearing everything, clearing everyone out and filling myself with nothing but you. When it's too late.

There was a storm today

     I held my hand out to see

   How long I could stand the pain

                   I got to 46

      Realized three things today

                   Rain is cold

     46 would be an okay age to die

And storms is just another thing

              To remind me of how

     You'd brighten my day,

            Always put a smile on my face,

              Remembered what made me who I am

    And I can't remember

        If I had the courage to be so sentimental

         After you silenced my doubt

           Of it being found

        But I can still feel the ache

     In my awkward body,

        Wanting nothing more than

    To hug you while I cry

And tell your shoulder

         That I would miss you

   That ache is all I can feel now

       And my cries are silent

      "I'll miss you's"

  But this pain isn't being young and scared

          That everything wouldn't work out

      Because you'd find a pretty girl
  
       To marry by that fall and forget

      The little, fat lost puppy that followed you around

            It's the kind of pain you get

   From wishing to do things

       With a passed loved one,

    The could haves,

            The should haves,

                   The would haves...

  


But it will always be too late.

Little girl in white and blue,

Keep your eyes on your own peper

This has nothing to do with you

Not everyone has that picture perfect life and lover

Some need things to help feel right

Im not proud of what holds me tight,

Turns this ugly frown

Into an uglier, wobbling upside down

Beast of a smile

Take my shoes for a mile,

Recognize the undeniable pain

Of holding on to something in vain

Find the true worth of your name

In your transparent, crystal blue veins

Reality of dying alone on tile floor

'Cause when they closed it,

They bolted shut that door

I wonder if I caused you this kind of pain,

Eyes hurt from the consistent rain

I wake with an insufferable start,

A dull hollow ache with every breath in my heart

Radiates from my chest to the tip of my toe,

It follows wherever I go

And I'm not one for dancing,

But I'm dancing with this truth

Lost in this decayed youth

You rest easy with views of a new home

And I'm the only one suffering alone

My knuckles are numb,
Dirt under my nails.
I scrub it off until my skin was red.

"And then we can meet again while searching for it."

"So you're supposed to know exactly when I'm searching for it?"

"...that does sound unrealistic."

"Another one of your great ideas."

I didn't find it.

Under the florescent bathroom lights, I realize you're everywhere still. And despite what you or anyone else thinks, my body is not big enough to not have you coursing through every inch of it.

You're in the air and you're in every thought I have now.

And I had a hard time believing all the plans you had, maybe if I had put more faith into it..I wouldn't have forgot. I wouldn't have been able to meet him and..I wouldn't have lied to you so much..

Which is why you'll never believe me when I say I will spend the rest of my life sorry for everything I did to you.

I went through my things
And I found it today

Out of everything,
I don't know what to say

There's nothing I would change
Even though I contemplated throwing it away

I
hope
they
partake
in
the
floral
crown
trend
and
I
hope
it
eats
you
alive

If you took every page and searched on the web you'd find every single one with different names and slight changes. I was a stupid child and predominantly crazy. No longer a child, I'm ****** psychotic. I could blame a part of it on you and a lot on him, but I chose this lifestyle. And when I find peace for the things I did I hope you find it in yourself to forgive me. I lied about so much and the majority was to seem more interesting to the person you pretended to be. I lied about actions that never happened nor involved me. I have cheated and you know what? It actually does ****** **** to do it. Everything ***** and my life is hell but knowing you will never be there hurts more than anything. But now that I will never forget the person I should have been, the person I could have been. I will wear these flowers in my stupid hair and pretend you're flying far above me, Hooting in the night to show you still care. And everyone hates me, that's great. I literally have never hated myself as much as I do now.

The ultimate question here.

Do I sleep my life away or

Do I forgive myself for the things I can't change?

Because they aren't losing sleep over my pain

And you can never take back the things you did but it doesn't mean it's who you are anymore.

It's starts around the same time
Before I do just fine
Then reality sets in
And that's when the pain begins

No one would believe me
If I told them how you taught me to see
And it was a pact that we made
Even though life got in the way
There's no truth that you'd believe
But I'm legitimately scared you'll never see
The way I'll cry when I get over this hill
When I let go of stupid pills
And forgive the past to feel

It was something that I forgot
But a feeling I never lost
So when I finally learn to let go
I'm afraid you'll never be there,
Even just as a ghost
It's a memory I long for the most,
It's something you no longer chose

To show life is truly not fair
You made sure I existed
For something that is no longer there
Did it taste this bitter
When I said the same thing?
When I loved him and forgot you?
And when it finally got better
How sweeter did it taste than
Anything to do with us too

I'm sure I could find ways
To yell this loud enough so it
Could consume every inch of space around you
Would my voice haunt you
Reminding you of how I defended your high honor?
Or would it take you back
To when my thumbs portrayed
The ugly side of a cold heart?
You could call,
Tell me how we were both wrong
Paint me a beautiful picture
Of how it could have been and
Every single thing that I will never know
I'd describe the way lights flash
Behind closed blinds in the dead of night
Because I no longer sleep unless
My eyes are heavy with exhaustion
Or sore from crying
How I do things to pass the time
To help you smile and make you feel better about your decision,
I'd cry when I say I'm sorry
And you might believe it this time
But you have to go
And it's too late
Because you have to go
And be good for someone else
And it's too late
Because you left the meaning to the promises back there
So you're sorry, you have to go.

I
hope
I
made the
short time
worthwhile

Even though
I
became
everything
that
You
despise

I wonder if you could read

The things I write now,

Would they somehow make you proud?

Or would you just remember

The words of a fifteen year old girl

That didn't even write them,

Just formed to fit her current mood

And have they?

Are your dreams beautiful?

More than you could have ever hoped for?

I hope they are.

I write frequently about you now.
It's all I can seem to do to stay sane.
I like to believe I'll be free one day, free like I was when I met you. Free before the storms of regret and life in general set in.
I know I should get up, go do something and have fun. But I've never felt so alone. It's probably not even half of what I truly deserve.
I'd like to believe that you are the same nice and caring you. You would wish me the best and let me know that I will never be alone even though you'll never be here. And I don't think I have experienced a darker time in my life, and all I really needed is you. But you sent that part of you far away and I wonder if it came back here, lurking in the corners until it was found.
It was found. And it will never be replaced or taken away again.
If there is one thing I wish I could tell you it's this,

You are you
And he is he
Please never mistake the two
Because he is a haunting I no longer wished to have known
And I will take you wherever I go.

I realize how horrible that is. I can never take what I did back. My second biggest regret will never trying harder to reach out to you. My biggest will always never realizing it was always you. A silly face drowned out by the shadow from the sun, it's something I will never forget. And even when I'm mad and lost with things I don't understand, even though my words don't mean anything to you anymore and aren't reason enough to write songs of. I hope you find it in you to trust me when I say that I hope you have endless silly faces. I hope even when the suns shadow covers your face, the light you both give off brings it back from the unwanted dark.
And I don't know if I'll find myself again or if I'll find someone else.
The only thing I do know is that I will always keep that part of our lives in my heart.

She no longer has that power

He flew away in the midnight hour

Nothing lasts forever

Wings flap in shades of clever

There's no longer any voodoo talking

He likes to come back for vengeful haunting

This is the story of an old man
He likes to light up city's
And disappear without a will to understand
Because he's oh, so witty

It may not seem like much
But it used to cause a fever touch
And just short of love
Maybe it would have been enough

But here's the story of how
He likes to light this up
And makes fun of a fat cow
(But I'm jumping ahead)
This is the story of us:

Once upon a time in a village it seems, there was cheer and laughter with a promise of 'next year'. It was quite dark out, hard to see. There was a peasant sitting on a bench made from tree, and the knight in shinning arm was pleasantly knelled before her feet.

In the moonlight he gripped her face, a soft thumb wiped a graceful tear off a less than perfect cheek. They blocked out the distant noise with the sound of their heartbeats.

With a quiver just above a whisper the girl said,

"I'm never gonna see you again, am I?"

The hand grabbed tighter onto her face as the knights booming and sturdy voice said,

"This is not the end!"

Try with all her might, she couldn't phantom this being right. He made her brave and carefree, made her feel a numbing pulse and shaking knees. But we all have doubts, especially the ones that believe they are never good enough.

"You don't know just how stunning you are tonight," is what the boy said.

Maybe it was beautiful or maybe it was a different verb. The peasant girl, being useless in every way, tends to not remember every word that they would say. But at least she forgives eventually.

The boy hugged her and whispered,

"I wish I could kiss you right now."

She knew she heard correctly but wanted to make sure. So she tore apart the hug and asked him to repeat what he said.

"I wish I could hug you," is what he said he had said.

"No, it's not. You said you wanted to kiss me," she defiantly stated.

He looked back up at her and said,

"That is what I said."


And that truly shocked this poor girl because never had anyone said that directly to her that she wanted to kiss back.

"You don't want to kiss me," she wanted to play difficult.

"I do want to kiss you," he said in a hurry.

She decided to be brave again. Life is too short, she reasoned.

"So why don't you?" She asked him. But her heart was going against the portrait of strength on her face.

"I don't want to mess things up," he sighed, defeated.

She was truly lost here. What could he possibly mess up? Did they not want each other?

"What are you going to mess up if you kissed me?" She pondered.

"I just want to make sure it's right. I promise I'll kiss you one day."

And so he decided that he was done with conversation and she wasn't very rhythmic. So he left her there on that bench.

He left her there in every single way.

Over the years, she had made plenty of mistakes. And she figures he has kissed plenty to this day. Anyone can find her traveling that short distance to the same spot.

He found better, the thing that's most definitely right. Now she writes in the early hours of morning. She gets angry at herself and at him, sometimes the world and how he truly knows how to show you life isn't fair.

But she goes and although she no longer is a peasant and he is a different knight in shinning armor, she lets her soul and imagination run free. Goes back in time, finds the strength to kiss him instead.

There is

       Three hundred and thirty million gods



            Like there is

     Three hundred and thirty million voices

                  

                But yours is the truth?


  I'll take that regret like I fell


                 far,



                                    far



             from grace.

I'm not one
For patience and
An overdose of
Memory loss

I wonder if
This is the pain
You felt when I
Would talk about him

And the rage
When you believe
I didn't mean
A single word I said

What can I say?
I loved him
And you?
You loved walls

Walls can be
Your new found
"Middle name!"
And I will outlive
Any name you give me

I will eventually
Reach a north and
Be more than
All the little things
You and every person
Perceived me to achieve

And on that day?
You can breathe this in
And go
Straight to south

I looked for the same kind
Green and 7 ruled subject
But with my consistent luck
There was none to find

So I bought the closest to it
I don't know if the pages will fit

I've tore out four pages so far
And I keep losing focus
In the way that I always do
But it's not lost on other things
Just the things I wonder if you
Would have liked to do
If you'd like this
Or if you'd like that
But then I remember I'm fat
And you never liked me anyway
I just can't fit it in a perfect poem like you

And I wonder if you'll get the notion
To search this place in 10 years again
Will you still see how everything I write
Will still have a part of you in it?

And do find an inkling of respect
Tell me how great life is
Leave the foot shaped mud tracks real deep,
Tell me how the I Do went,
Kids and everything
Make sure it hurts

But I'll sit here,
Write about the things I remember
Somehow tell him it's obviously about him
If there ever is another him

I'd come get my things
But my hands are covered
In the smeared black ash
Of my unholy decayed past

These little things,
They bring new sounds
Fill my ungrateful head
With sounds of the dead

And I hope on a stage
My memory no longer fades
And you let it bloom
No longer wilt with doom

Because in every room
I have cleaned them out
Filled them with flowers of you
I hope you have no doubt

No matter where you go,
No matter what you do
There will always be a part of you
And I hope I make you proud too

It's a favorite song
I hope you dance to it
With them forever long






So why do I lie here?
Thinking you're still there
Like good would always care

It's dwindled and
It has completely burned out
Over the years and summer days
But you made me brave
And all the things
I was too scared and powerless to do
I did all of them
Whenever it came to being around you
And all I can do now
Is find myself writing about you
Nothing is able to make it up to you,
The props from long ago
Will be gone when you're done
You took the memories,
Refreshed my burdened mind
You left them behind
And now they're all mine
And I'm doing this because I need to
I could never fix it for you
But I'm making it right with me
To find ultimate inner peace

We were younger


You was lightning,


Fast and beautiful


And I was thunder,


Bold and truthful

Being the good man you are
And keeping your word,
Knowing I can't do anything
In return must feel
Close to egotistical
But I'm not one for negativity,
Not anymore at least

And this sea just experienced
An inhumane tsunami
Of mass proportion
Everything the wave drags back in
Is a slow burn

But I'm the master of my sea
This pain will recede,
Your memory will not leave,
I will brave it and not flee.
This will not be the end of me.

You shall know
the truth and
the truth shall set
you free

And I feel like
I have died
and there isn't anything
Left in me

But somehow
Flowers and trees,
Butterflies and birds
That sing are
Replaced with new

And even though
I'm way, way past the end
And I know I will
Never see you again
You'll always be my friend

And my pain will
Wash away my dusted sins
And a new life will begin

The lacrimal caruncle
swells with blistering feeling,
flooding out the medial canthus.
It streams down the nasion,
dancing over the pinken,
inflamed to a roaring raw cheek.
Landing on dirtied and tore cloth,
used with the moisture to wipe
all the dust away from every memory,
even when it's possibly too late.

Now there is hardly anything
to be discovered in all of this.
You have done a decent job,
your hands are tired from it all.
Weak and brittle,
you still know now.
You know it could go every single way wrong,
it could be a waste of time,
it could hurt you beyond any kind of repair.

But you know.
You know it's him.
You know it will always be him.
It will always be him
that you wish to lay beside,
it will always be him
that you want to feel,
it will always be him
that you feel everywhere you go.
It will always be him.

It's like coming up for air,
The first time in a decade
And I've felt heartbreak
When he said to not go down
That it was a black hole
And can you feel it?
Can you feel the way it comes together?

Maybe I need to learn the tricks of putting a toothbrush down my throat
Maybe I have a war in my mind and I'm crazy
Maybe I think I'm not enough sometimes
Maybe I ruin everything with the things I have said

But if this is it,
If there is nothing left,
If you didn't tell every person you met that obviously liked you that you were already getting married,
It will be greater than thousands of black holes
Rushing through my body

Red crimson sparkles
On the shattered glass
Dashed on hot summer pavement

You never asked for this,
You never meant to hurt so bad
And you're looking back and forth,
Side to side
There isn't much left to go

You've broken too many hearts and
Too many promises
And the crimson,
It's dripping from your sleeve

Steel gleams with His light
And maybe one day
Your eyes will wash away this blood
Because he made a promise
And he's the only friend you'll ever want

I will stay on my knees in this bright searchlight and I will feel the heat melt my skin.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

I will stick to my promise and I will speak my truth to you.

Will I be alive enough for you then?

And when you sang that song again, loud enough for me to hear it,

Was I alive enough for you then?

I'm messing up
And I'm messing up bad
And my dad says to not worry
But we're losing the house probably
And I haven't done anything with my life
And now every time I mess up
I'm back to being fourteen
I feel you now
It was fast
Everything is so fast now
And I breathe in and you're in the air
I scrub my skin but you're in my veins
I cry and your the salt I taste
And I want to throw my head back
But you're the water above my head
And I have never wanted a promise kept so much
But I've messed up
And now I just want to be more numb
Than any pill I've ever taken

Used to stay up
Lay awake and
Wonder if it will
All make sense

Wondered what
It exactly was
That I was missing

Now that I
Rearranged
The tiles I
Sit up and
Mindlessly wonder
If anything else
Will ever make sense