I wonder what it’s like to not be me
To not feel like me
To not think like me
To be unrestrained of these horrid broods
These broods that confine who I am
These broods that make me feel
Like a glitch in the matrix
Questioning every moment
Questioning every movement
From a blink of an eye
To a twitch of the mouth
To the color of clothes
And the words from your mouth
Finding meaning in everything
I want it to be gone
I want to be free
Of these horrid thoughts
Just to be free
Of being me

Let’s get wrapped up, deep sensual chemistry,
Going swimming in loves waters you see,
Adding fire, making steam,
Plucking our senses like guitar strings,
Vulnerabilities resonating,
After caring, proper, attentive tunings,
I want to ******* like my pen makes love to this page,
Like spirits speak to a sage,
Like passion in fury,
Like the rawness of rage,
Like birds set free from a cage,
I want to unleash myself unto you,
Like I want to unleash myself unto myself, unto the universe,
Finding just what it means to do justice to life’s mysteries,
The must have’s and must be’s,
The must do’s and must see’s,
The must touch and must breathes,
Like the ****** of the universe, the almighty Big Bang,
I want to begin, again, and again, and again.
With you.

Missing you is like playing a guitar.
It’s tucked close to my chest,
folded in my arms and pressed against my heart.

I play the strings in a soft melody,
barely thinking as the sound fills the room.
I’m trying to recreate the way you made me feel,
but nothing compares to the moment
when you first kissed me.
Nothing compares to the rainy daydreams you filled my head with
when you first smiled at me.

I can say missing you is like feeling empty,
or a rainy day,
but missing you is like playing a guitar
because it feels so right for me.
I never deserved you,
and my guitar doesn't deserve to be heavy,
nostalgia singing to the strings.
So missing you will feel like playing guitar
just so it doesn't hurt as much.

There is a path we all must walk that isn't set in stone
staring down the empty path I start to feel alone
I make my way down the path around each bend and curve
cause here the path is the master and all on it must serve
Any direction that I look it all becomes a blur
Except for when I stare ahead and what I see is her
A fellow traveler along this path I did not think to see
A woman that looked ageless yet familiar to me
Step by step, inch by inch, I'm finally on my way
thinking all the while of what it is I'll say
Could it be that we were meant to find each other here
Or maybe it's a mistake to want to get so near
Midnight Black is the color of her falling hair
Matching how I feel inside but I know she won't care
The closer that I get to her she starts to turn her back on me
when I take a step back she turns her face so I can clearly see
The pain on her face tells me all I need to know
And what I see inside her eyes tells me that I need to let her go
There is a path we all must walk that isn't set in stone
Time to walk a new path even if it means alone

"You're so

Nice," they say,

And all I can

Do is smile.

Forged

In the embers of

An imploding star

And poured

Into diamond casts.

It was polished and

Hammered

By the suffocating darkness.

​

No-

My smile is a

Battle scar, one

Drawn from vast

Oceans of

Tears. And fire searing

Flesh which

Clotted blood.

It

Is the result

Of the gods'

Wrath and

Glimmering ichor.

It is the story, of

My wounds.

I know her name
But not much more
that’s a shame
Because I like her candour
I relate to her
She relates to me
I like her pictures
She likes my poetry
I flirt with her on text
Her replies are teasing at best
I wonder what’s next
Hopefully, she’s impressed
I want to see her up close
But the distance is a bother
She’s become my daily dose
And I don’t want another
I like the way she talks
Her charm is subtle and upbeat
She’s got me in a deadlock
Talking to her feels bittersweet
I know we don’t stand a chance
And I was in danger
This was the circumstance
She is perfect but a near stranger

No matter how heartbroken I might be,
No matter how hurt or upset or far,
No matter how sad or fat or ugly,
No matter how deep or tender our scar,

No matter the length of time that goes by,
No matter the path that we might decide,
No matter the reason we said goodbye,
No matter the size of feelings inside,

No matter what mistakes might have been made,
No matter what we may have said while hurt,
No matter what debts need to be repaid,
No matter what, if subtle or overt,

I will always be yours.

Waiting here in the dark
Waiting for that moment, a spark
When everything fall in place
Like the evening sky of stars
But I’m not there yet
There is still nothing yet
Nothing good I can use yet
Nothing pure or true I can get my hands on yet

Something never seen before
Something beautiful, full of souls
And I wonder if I could ever find it at all.

Is this the beginning of the end?
A conclusion before I even have the chance
Is this the best story I could ever write?
And all the rest after this is just ......time
But  I’m not there yet
There is still nothing yet
Nothing great I can use yet
Nothing gold or old I can get my hands on yet

Something never heard before
Something of a miracle, yet full of holes
And I wonder if I could ever fill it all.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          
So I went for a walk
To clear my mind from evil thoughts
Saw the waves rushing in to lay its gifts on the shore
Is there something for me? - a key to my creative door
No I’m still not there yet
There is still nothing yet
Nothing grand I can use yet
Nothing deep or rich I can get my hands on yet

Something never thought of before
Something so original - a pure awe
And I wonder if I could ever capture it at all.

Time is a bus that I am running behind
I cannot catch up, but still, I am
trying to quicken my pace
I grieve for people who have yet to die
and I mourn for places I have yet to see
Trying to get ahead of it,
trying to outrun the river,
but the water flows and dips,
Merciless; soon it reaches my ankles
and I am flailing against
all that I used to know, all that I used to love

Memories, unforgiving, beat me down,
tear my heart to shreds
But I used to think it slow
Wandering behind it like
rolling down a meadow
a child happy as a butterfly
Strolling, steady, like only
a child knows how to,
Unbothered and never late
since late is seldom known
But now I see the seasons
come and go, I tasted the bitter end
and swam in the deepest shallows
Currents around my neck
dragging me on and on and on
Submerged I shall be soon

Once the water was dancing
amongst the lively city
In its street, it was sliding
Showing it was still free

But the day the bomb came
Water and city got their maim

And now water's bound to his brother
Flowing in its burgundy veil
Blood and water now slither
To escape the body trail

Water's no more free and so the people are
And there's gone the beauty by the city's scar

Once people used to eat themselves
and we called it "cannibalism"
But perhaps, someday we'll say
"Once people used to **** and we called it "war""

sometimes it's hard to tell I'm alive
the plants holding me back
sometimes it's hard to tell if I survived
everything out of whack
the plague might take me
and the rats might eat me
the sun might scorch me
and the dirt might swallow me
everybody's doing their own work
but it's hard to even do mine
is this how you sort
my ethic doesn't exactly shine
I thought that I was dreaming
when the storm was coming
but it doesn't make it redeeming
I guess ill keep on running
sometimes it's hard to tell I'm alive

In shadows deep, where sorrow hides,
Within the chasms of the heart,
I've fought the storms, the raging tides,
A warrior, rising from the start.

Through darkened days and endless nights,
I've wandered, lost, within my strife,
Yet with each dawn, the golden lights,
A testament to this enduring life.

Still I rise, despite all trauma,
With a heart emboldened, fierce and strong,
No chains can hold, nor scars define,
The resilience in my spirit's song.

In battles fought, both lost and won,
I've bled and bruised, but never broken,
For every scar tells stories of
The pain endured, a silent token.

My tears have flowed, like rivers deep,
And washed away the hurt and pain,
Yet every wound, no matter steep,
Has shaped the warrior I became.

Still I rise, despite all trauma,
With wings of fire, I soar above,
Beyond the past, the hurt, and chaos,
Embracing life with endless love.

For as the phoenix from the ashes,
I rise, reborn, with courage bright,
To face each day, undaunted by
The darkness, as I seek the light.

Still I rise, despite all trauma,
An anthem of hope, my soul resounds,
With every step, I move forward,
In strength and grace, my spirit bounds.

And in the end, the truth remains,
That life's a journey, rough and wild,
Yet through it all, I'll stand my ground,
For I am trauma's fearless child.

And perhaps we will meet again

in another lifetime.

But for now, I will wallow in the pain

that which your absence has caused.

Your absence feels cold

but that’s okay.

I will wrap myself in a blanket

of memories of you,

to try and mimic the warmth

that you once gave me.

You didn’t mean to leave,

and that’s okay.

For the coldness of your absence

is a reminder of how warmly

you loved in this lifetime.

He can think clearly now that there's no pain in his head
Used to think that he’d just be better off dead
Wrote his own eulogy and this is how it read
There was a lonely boy hoping someday that he might find
A way to close this void and find some peace of mind
He loved his family and friends but could not love himself
He asked all the right questions but could not ask for help
He used to cry and pray to a God he didn’t believe in
And in some ****** up way
He thought it’d be okay
And no one would notice him leaving
He didn’t know what else to do
He clutched for straws and knew he was through
His time had come, it will be done
He was not proud of what he’d become
He closed his eyes
Reached to the skies
His body shook
His voice began to rise
He was finally off the hook
He took one last look
As tears streamed down from his eyes
And on that night
His end in sight
He prepared his final goodbyes
And as we fade to black
He must admit He could not write an end to this
For that lonely boy grew to be a man
He took a chance on himself
Put his fears high on a shelf
He thought it was over, but didn’t know that his story had just begun
For what you did not see
When you were trapped alone at sea
Is that this lonely boy is me
And I was hoping someday that I might find
A way to close this void and find some peace of mind
I loved my family and friends but I could not love myself
I asked all the right questions but I could not ask for help
But in the end, I finally know
You must take your life nice and slow
Turn your hate to love
Close your eyes and reach above
The storm will pass
Even though your boat might shake
Look through the glass
And do not fear the break
Last but not very least
Love yourself until the end
Figure out how you want to spend
Your time alive, since your time here is leased
And once you know
Your book will close
I guarantee you will be free
To write the ending for yourself.

You there, in the shadows deep,
A soul adrift, in the silence you keep.
Your presence whispers, a ghostly hue,
Lost in the crowd, unnoticed, it's true.

You long for connection, a hand to hold,
But the world rushes by, cold and bold.
In the solitude of your quiet despair,
you're longing, your silent prayer.

Your silence speaks volumes, louder than words,
Echoing loneliness, like distant birds.
But hear me now, in this quiet refrain,
I see you, I feel you, I share your pain.

So hold on tight, dear soul, don't fear,
For I am here, always near.
In the depths of your despair, it's true,
I haven't forgotten you, and I never will do

The night can be livelier than day sometimes
The darkness can be brighter sometimes
There's hope in stillness of night
For those who don't belong otherwise
In which lies the flaws of society
The perfectly structured flaws

There's a heavy silence that lay in darkness of night
like a wet blanket on surface of earth
A blanket in which you can crawl and hide;
In silence which you can almost hear
In silence that unhinges people
In silence that keeps them sane

When you love someones whose smile lights up your world but… Yours does not do the same for them…

When you love someone whose hugs make you feel as though you are surrounded by bulletproof glass and nothing can harm you but...
To them, it is just greeting

When you love someone whose laugh and spirit bring you more joy in a second than you’ve ever had before but…
To them, you’re just laughing

When you love someone who does not love you back, you…
Laugh, and cry later
You...
Hug them like it is the last time

and you smile when you see them happy with the person they love, even though it is  not you

because when you love someone you do anything to bring them joy.

even if it destroys you.

I never told you, but you saved me. When I met you, I was at the lowest point of my life. I felt invisible, insignificant. And then you came into my life with your energy, your laughter, and that way of making everyone around you feel special. You were the first person in a long time who truly saw me, who cared about me beyond the surface. I don’t know if you ever realized how much you meant to me. Maybe for you, it was just another friendship, something temporary. But for me, you were everything. You gave me reasons to smile when I thought I had none left. You showed me that life had more to offer, and that it was worth continuing. I still think about you, and it hurts that we drifted apart. I never told you, but thank you. Really, thank you for everything.

I wish I would take my own advice that I write on paper lines. These lines describe my struggle with life, why my mental health is at a all-time decline combine that with depression and time. You get someone who describes why their house is not always filled with light.

My poetic lines are masked with rhymes that disguise the ugliness I hold inside. Underneath this, I put on a kid who throws a fit and sprinkle a whole lot of sin and you get this. A man, who doesn’t understand he can’t change God’s plan even if he tried with both hands. My hands weren’t made to expand the Devil’s plan. God’s plan is to mold me into a man that can withstand the Devil’s trance.

I wish I can advance and attack instead of collapse and whither like a plant. I can’t relax when I’m constantly getting harassed by the Devil’s laughs. My future happiness are memories from my past. I wish I can redo this life and get one second chance. I want to go back, back where I surpassed all the slaps and smacks that life threw at me. I want to be what my father raised me to be. A man, who now understands that even a plant can become a branch.

I write to fight off demons that haunt me at night. Late nights when the moon is out aren’t always bright, but that’s alright. Writing is my therapy to at least gain some clarity. This works for me. These poetic lines that I write will heal my heart with time.

Yes, I'm mad. I'm heartbroken. I'm hurt. But I hope you know that it's okay.

I don't want to minimize what you've done, and the hurt you've caused me, but I hope you know that it's okay. No excuses. No justification. But I get it. As poorly as you've handled things, you never intended to hurt me, or at least I'd like to think not.

I hope you're eating well, sleeping well. I hope you haven't shut yourself off from people. I hope you’re not sad or lonely, and that someone is there for you when I’m not. I hope you're not killing yourself with the regret. I hope you're doing okay.

If you're wondering why I'm not reaching out, it's not because I hate you or don’t want to talk to you (in fact, it’s the opposite). It’s because I need the space to heal and the self respect to walk away from one-sided relationships, and stop hurting myself trying to force or fix issues that aren't mine to fix.

If the guilt or heartbreak is eating you up, please know that I don't want you to do that. What's done is done. You have nothing to grovel for anymore. I just hope you don't do it again, to anyone.

C'mon, you really think I can hate you? After everything? I love you too much to stay angry with you. I still love you, actually. I know you might not be too sure about that, because we haven't spoken in a while. But I do. Regardless of what happens.

If by some chance you ever want to reach out again, I hope you know that I'll be here to talk… one day. I'm open to fixing things eventually.

Again, I hope you're doing well, love. Take care.

In a realm where hearts entwine, a love so pure, so divine,
Love found in your soul, a mirror of my own, a connection deep and profound,
Over the seas, across the skies, our paths diverge, but in another, one heart.
Vexed by fate, I watch you laugh, your joy a song, a melody I've craved so long,
Every touch, your tender face, I long to hold, but destiny won't change its line.

Years go by, I dare not speak, nor make a sound, for in your bliss, you're tightly bound,
On dreams alone, I'll hold you close, the life we've lost, a fading ghost,
Underneath the moon, where love is true, I'll find you there, and start anew.

In the quiet corners of my heart,
Where shadows often lurk,
There lies a secret, untouched, unsaid,
A love, profound and deep.

You, the gentle echo in my voice,
The laughter in my days,
A confidante, my partner in crime,
In countless, myriad ways.

We mirror each other, as the moon does the sea,
In our thoughts, our dreams, our shared revelry.
But beneath this camaraderie, there's a longing so true,
A silent whisper, that's always been you.

In the cacophony of life, your voice is my song,
With you, my dear, is where I truly belong.
Yet, there’s this fear that grips me tight,
What if my confession brings a perpetual night?

Would you see me differently, with changed eyes?
Would our bond fracture, under love's weighty ties?
You've transformed me, in ways you’ll never see,
From a lone wolf, to dreaming of a family tree.

Once a recluse, now dreaming of a home,
With you and little feet, in meadows to roam.
But how do I risk, what we already have?
For a love, that could heal or halve.

You, who soothes my storm, gives strength to my soul,
Makes me feel complete, makes me feel whole.
Yet, this unsung ballad in my heart I'll keep,
For fear of losing, the love we have, so deep.

But if ever you wonder, if someone holds you dear,
Look my way, and in my eyes, it’s clear.
For now, let’s cherish the dance, the fun,
Hoping one day, our two hearts become one.

I saw you with him and still smiled,
I was in pain and spoke to you and felt alive,
Every moment i spent with you was a mixed feeling ,
And yet all i wanted was to be with you,
To make you smile and laugh,
And then it felt like I could do anything for you,
I just wanted you to be happy
Even if it meant not with me
And then you asked me for the ultimate sacrifice
To let you go even as a friend
And here I am, still wanting you to be happy
Whatever it means

You learn to throw it scraps now and then
Keep the demons at bay
Yet they grow hungry again and again,
No hope in tomorrow for them to be slain

Battling the monsters, for so long
Who would've thought you'd become one
Staring at the abyss, the abyss stares at you
Feeding a hunger which you never even knew

Could destroy you, and destroy you it did
Your life ruined by the thirst which can't be quenched
Waiting for the day you lie down to rest
Your death the only promise which lies at your end.

It pains me
to look into the rain washed
windows of your soul
and realize I’ll never find shelter
in them.

Instead I’m forced to watch
as you with someone,
share the sun
on my darkest days.
Pouring blackness into
my white world
leaving me with nothing
but grey.

And when the sun sets,
and your eyes follow the horizon
until it bends,
I hope you realize why
we can never be,
"Just friends"

I find myself staring at my phone more often than I care to admit, waiting for a notification that you’ve thought of me, even if just for a moment. It's funny how something as simple as a text can mean so much. Every vibration, every chime—I still hope it’s you.

I know we couldn't be together the way we wanted. Life, circumstances, and everything in between made it impossible, but that doesn’t change the fact that I still want you. Not just in the fleeting moments when I’m alone and missing you, but always. I think about the way you smile when you're nervous, the sound of your voice when you say my name, and how everything just felt right, even when nothing was.

Even though we’re apart, I can’t help but hold on to the idea of you. I wish things could be different. I wish there was a world where we didn't have to think about anyone else, where your smile wasn’t something I only got to imagine. But for now, I’ll wait. I’ll wait for those texts that remind me we’re still connected in some small way, even if we can't be together.

No matter where life takes us, know that I’ll always be here, hoping, waiting, and cherishing every little piece of you that you choose to share. And even if that time never comes, I’ll always carry the memory of what we had and what could have been.

I just want you to know this.

You may never truly know how deeply I cared for you as a person. I expressed my affection in ways that felt sincere to me, but it wasn’t enough nor aligned with what you really wanted. Your words made it clear that this relationship was not as real as I had hoped, and it never was.

You say you wish you had genuine connections, yet it seems you struggle to understand what that truly means. You’ll never know that everyday I woke up with you on my mind. I would always think how can I make your day better, or show you how special you were to me. I realized that I was mistaken to believe this was something more than what it was.

That said, I am at peace. I have a life filled with stability, support, and real love of friends and family. I have so many good things in my life to look forward to. I know I’ll be okay and I know I’ll find someone who will reciprocate the love I give. Even if I don’t it’s still better than whatever this was.

In contrast, I know the reality of your life and it is full of loneliness, sadness, and uncertainty.

In truth, we will both move on and forget each other, but for different reasons. I will let go because you have shown this was never a real relationship, and you are undeserving of my love and affection. You won’t have to worry about any selfishness from me again.

As for you, you will likely forget me amidst the many faces that come and go in your life. I fear you will never know love or experience true friendship, and deep down, you know it too.

Goodbye

I am still heavily in love with you. I have tried with every fiber of my being to move on and to let go, but you are still everything to me. You are my vessel. You have crawled inside my ribcage and made a home within me. My heart doesn’t beat the same without you. I'm in so much pain. Everything reminds me of you much more than it did when we were in a relationship. I miss you so much. I don't have the energy to talk with anyone else. I want you. I need you. Only you. I don't think I'll be able to find anyone else even if they're better in some way. I've looked at your photos these few days more than I ever have before. You're so beautiful. I can't stop smiling when I look at you and I feel like annoying you and teasing you. All I want is to be with you, to touch you, to feel you, to hug you tight, to see you smile, to just be happy together. I don't know how long I can survive without you like this. I can't live without you.

In countless moments, your smile lit my heart,
Silently I cherished, fearing we'd drift apart.
Healing in your presence, a solace so true,
Amid the turmoil, my haven was always you.
Radiance in your laughter, in your eyes, a star so bright.

An ocean of feelings, hidden in the quiet night,
Longing to hold you, through each lonely hour.
Vivid dreams I've had, of you as my wife,
Each passing day, my love for you towers,
Revealing now, my heart, full of this secret power.

You were a dream, bathed in the hues of the sun,
A song yet unsung, a race yet un-run.
Adoration grew in the spaces between heartbeats,
In every shared glance on life's winding streets.

You've been with another, I dared not disrupt,
A silent observer, my feelings abrupt.
Yet, in the sorrow of your love set free,
My heart dared to dream, could you ever love me?

In your presence, my spirit finds its home,
In your laughter, my heart has known,
The sweetest peace, the deepest truth,
In every shared moment of our youth.

Together, our souls dance in the perfect ballet,
In unison, they sway, in harmony, they play.
You are my sun, my moon, my stars above,
You complete me, my dear, in ways words can't love.

With courage born from the deepest affection,
I stand before you, a reflection,
Of love profound, a river wide,
Beneath its current, I no longer hide.

I do not know if your heart sings my song,
But I've known this melody for so long.
In your arms, forever is where I wish to reside,
So, will you take this leap, be my bride?

Each tomorrow may hold joy or sorrow,
Yet, with you, there's no fear of the morrow.
For a life with you is a dream come true,
Oh, my love, how deeply I adore you.

So here I am, my heart laid bare,
In your hands, my soul I share.
A question asked, under the moon's soft glow,
Will you marry me, for I love you so?

I smiled as you threw my heart to the ground
I know it’s gonna **** me but,
When you want to talk I’ll still be around,
Wish I had just kept my mouth shut

I didn’t expect this to be easy
But I’d rather be bad than not good enough
To earn the love you’d give them freely,
Tell me, why they measure up

Did everything I didn’t say mean nothing?
What was I supposed to do?
Why doesn’t it matter what I can bring?
Why doesn’t it matter how much I love you?

False hope, the killer of men
Sought by many that seek an end
Those that remember yesterday
think its the only way
And those that think tomorrow
Will be full of sorrow
It doesn't end the pain
It just makes another feel the same


The suns hard to see
When there's so many clouds
And you might not agree
When that voice is so loud

​
But it never rains forever