Time is a bus that I am running behind
I cannot catch up, but still, I am
trying to quicken my pace
I grieve for people who have yet to die
and I mourn for places I have yet to see
Trying to get ahead of it,
trying to outrun the river,
but the water flows and dips,
Merciless; soon it reaches my ankles
and I am flailing against
all that I used to know, all that I used to love

Memories, unforgiving, beat me down,
tear my heart to shreds
But I used to think it slow
Wandering behind it like
rolling down a meadow
a child happy as a butterfly
Strolling, steady, like only
a child knows how to,
Unbothered and never late
since late is seldom known
But now I see the seasons
come and go, I tasted the bitter end
and swam in the deepest shallows
Currents around my neck
dragging me on and on and on
Submerged I shall be soon

You learn to throw it scraps now and then
Keep the demons at bay
Yet they grow hungry again and again,
No hope in tomorrow for them to be slain

Battling the monsters, for so long
Who would've thought you'd become one
Staring at the abyss, the abyss stares at you
Feeding a hunger which you never even knew

Could destroy you, and destroy you it did
Your life ruined by the thirst which can't be quenched
Waiting for the day you lie down to rest
Your death the only promise which lies at your end.

I cannot pretend to be cool.
They all see it, they laugh at me for being a fool
and I sit there devastated, that my face is ripped apart.
I feel weak, quite. I can't stand it.
My heart pumps only if eyes are on me, but it splits
when the eyes cast on me poison green.
I *****? I am disgusting.
A fool, I am a fool.
I disgust myself and everyone,
when I go outside, trees twist just to look away.
God, what have you done?
Does it matter? It doesn't turn me any wiser.
Burn my guilt, but do not make me rise
and glow the same red for eternity.
Do not make me a Phoenix, I will only have the same feathers and claws.
Every time I die, turn me to something new.
If I die with fire, then raise me in waters.
If I die in the mountains, then form me in the clouds.
If I die with claws, then give me flippers.
If I die a snake then make me a cow.
If I die with glory, house my new childhood in shame.
Do not give me the same mistakes.
I do not deserve thoughts, they only spit lies and defilement.
Do not bring the gods into this
They already know, they have seen this even before my birth,
failure or not, I wish to not see their divine lens
on my life, I shall be afraid.
Shame on me, I loath myself on every occasion
that I thought to myself as improving
but the only thing refined
are the lies I tell myself.

False hope, the killer of men
Sought by many that seek an end
Those that remember yesterday
think its the only way
And those that think tomorrow
Will be full of sorrow
It doesn't end the pain
It just makes another feel the same


The suns hard to see
When there's so many clouds
And you might not agree
When that voice is so loud

​
But it never rains forever

"You're so

Nice," they say,

And all I can

Do is smile.

Forged

In the embers of

An imploding star

And poured

Into diamond casts.

It was polished and

Hammered

By the suffocating darkness.

​

No-

My smile is a

Battle scar, one

Drawn from vast

Oceans of

Tears. And fire searing

Flesh which

Clotted blood.

It

Is the result

Of the gods'

Wrath and

Glimmering ichor.

It is the story, of

My wounds.

In the end, all I am is a memory
so I wonder who will remember me
will I grow old and have a legacy
or will I die young and be erased from history

will I change the world for good
will any of my actions ever be understood
will I fade into obscurity
will anything I ever do matter in eternity

I’m no nihilist but what if this means nothing
does it really matter what day is my ending
if I die when I’m not ready does that really matter
and if I live without a soulmate is that really a disaster

nothing matters but I can still cry
life is pointless but I don’t want to die
I will never mean anything but I can still try

to wish for love and happiness seems so pointless
but nevertheless
I will always believe there's hope in all of this mess.

I cried for you at different times
For different reasons.
Losing you was not what
I thought it would be.

Pain, numbed.
Exists only in flashes
That remind me where I stand;
A certain clarity.

Memories fade in the collectives haze,
And life continues.
What could have been,

Those promises -
Lies you told to hold me close.
Exist only in the space
Where self perpetuated wounds still bite.