Who the hell said
you could keep
a 12 year old boy
locked in a bed
for over a year
stuck with his head
and all the thoughts
he seems to dread

"No touching no contact no hugs"
       "Okay fine whatever"

But secretly we talk
through the walls we knock
and then before I walk
to go home
we hug
I get a note
a sad smiley face where her wrote
"I will miss you"
but the words stuck in my throat because I wasn't sure if he would learn to
    float

or drown in his mind
where the monsters live
but they don't protect him
instead they give
thoughts of blood guts violence....
loneliness
hopelessness
abandonment
anxiety
sadness
­desperation

how will he escape?

maybe he won't

he'll give in
and settle with
the names scratched on the window
in glasses, pencils, paperclips
the bulletproof glass
always taunting and teasing
but never releasing
never pleasing
only squeezing
until he's wheezing
his last breath
finally leaving

You said you'd help me live my dream
Instead you trap me until I scream
Loud enough to wash you clean
Of all the things you think of me

Left on my own you think I'll drown
But really truly I need the sound
Of music to play and keep me down
From floating too high up off the ground

When I float it seems so grand
I don't need a single hand
To hold me, protect me from the land
Of my mind that's filled with biting sand

And what happens when you let me go?
Do I run and jump, magically better? No
Instead I fall and crash and so
You reel me back into the throes

Back to the stained white walls
And sterile silent deadly halls
That should keep away the thoughts that call
Me to push until I fall

How can you protect me from my brain
Fueled by the blood flowing through my veins
The chemicals messed up broken insane
Leading me to fly away with the cranes

i'm shrinking
call the doctor
                              please
Actually I'm fine!
                             help
Feel fantastic
                             no
I've got energy and happiness
                             i'm still here
More than you can believe
                             i need new meds
SHUT UP
I'M FINE
Good
Now who's ready for a ride?

i thought i was floating
flying high with my manic wings
but it was only an illusion
painted by my mind
if my own mind
lies to itself
who can i trust?
no one
"no one" i hear
as i crash to
the ground
as my feathers
shed like icarus
i sink into the quicksand
that is depression
i watch it consume  me
too exhausted to fight
i only sigh as it overtakes me
one final breath
freedom.

i lost my book yesterday.
i find that without it,
i have nothing to say.

for all my time is consumed
by the thoughts that claw their way through my brain
rather than the flowers that usually bloom

when i can escape from my chain
into someone else's
messed up brain

i see you standing,
just at the edge of the field
where i frolic.
you patiently wait,
knowing i will trip again
waiting to be the one
to pick me up
knowing that i know
when you do
the pain leaves
and i so gladly take your hand
and walk
away from the colors
to be wrapped in a blanket of ...

nothing

a blanket that soon turns to mist
and i realize
i know you.
i have seen you before.
and you make it so easy,
so easy to sleep
and never wake
because though you take the pain
you take the happiness, too
you take all that
makes life worth living
leaving me numb
and then, you leave.
now, i am alone
with nothing

nothing


nothing

until the nothing
you left me with
consumes me.
i become nothing.

i cease to exist

tears slip
silently.
no one sees.
slowly, the numbness
consumes me
and my world turn
from technicolor
to muted greys