i don't know why that night was so ****
i don't know why that was the night i couldn't handle things
i don't know why it felt like the world was crumbling down on me
i don't know why i let myself **** up
i ****** up progress
i flushed 3 years without self-harm down the drain
and then things kept spiraling
my best-friends were at a party
and i was walking around campus alone
and i was more scared of what i'd do to myself than what strangers could
so asked a friend to just keep me from being alone
i asked him because i expected nothing from him
and his judgement meant nothing
so he wouldn't disappoint me
and i couldn't disappoint him
and he may be a bad person like my best friends say
but he was what i needed that night
and they're never gonna understand what that really means
they can't comprehend that it wasn't a matter of seeking comfort elsewhere
it was a matter of survival
and to make it through that i night i couldn't handle anyone caring too much

look up when it's raining
you'll see my eyes
and you know it

the damp ground
will remind you of what you did
and how it made me feel

i was promised forever
but how long is it?
a month?
a year?
five?
all in all
our definitions weren't the same
and that's okay

because i know you'll always think of me
when the skies are grey.

maybe it's not that i want you in my life
maybe i just don't wanna let go of that part of my life
the part of my life where i let you come and go as you please
the part of my life where i let us pick up where we left off
where i let us ignore the fact that things are different and time has passed
but we don't really talk about those parts
we don't address the girls you tried it with between our stops and starts
we don't mention the bad things i've done with boys i shouldn't have
and even when i finally bring myself to say out loud that it did hurt and does hurt everytime you do this to me
i still let you hold me in your arms while i cry about you
i still try to make you laugh while crying about you
i still kiss you goodbye after crying about you