Spent the day sick.
Nausea filling my hours.
Laying here now.
Music blaring.
Soaking in a steaming hot bath.
Tea in hand.
Fruit, Chocolate, and Gummy Bears by my side.
Candles lite in the distance.
I remember no matter how bad it gets.
How unpleasant you feel.
Life always has it peaceful moments to keep you sane.

I can feel the darkness returning.
I can feel it spreading through my entire body.
Overcoming my mind.
Just as everything started to ease.
Life was becoming good.
The darkness has once again decided to reappear.
I can feel my heart hardening.
My mind becoming angry and bitter.
Closed off to those around me.
I'm losing my desire to get out of bed.
To try.
The depression is returning.
As it always must.

I never sleep.
Yet I'm never awake.
I'm always stuck with my head in my dreams.
Daydreaming that you could be here next to me.

You inform me that cigarettes will **** me.
They'll destroy my lungs.
Give me cancer.
That each cigarette shortens my life.
That with each drag I'm killing myself.
That it's not healthy.
Yet.
Don't you think I know all of this too.
You're definitely not the first to inform me either.
So don't you think that I don't care.
I don't care if it kills me.
Maybe I want to die.
Maybe I hope it kills me.
Because....
I would never end my life myself.
I couldn't.
I could never put my family through that.
So yes I know this next drag will shorten my life.
This next cigarette could collapse my lungs.
But I welcome it.
I wish it.
I can't stand living here.
So please.
Let me smoke this pack in peace.
I can't wait for the consequences to occur already.

After sleepless nights filled with suicidal thoughts I cover myself in paint and fill my mind with music and not until that moment do I know that it will all be okay. That I will be okay.

I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to be in love.
In a relationship with not just somebody who loved me.
But someone who was also my bestfriend.
Now here I am.
You're still my bestfriend.
I'm still in love with you.
But we're not together.
So I'm just constantly craving to hear it.
Yearning for you to say those three words again.
Desperate to hear you tell me
"I Love You"
I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to hear you tell me that.
For the person I love to show love back to me.
Now I'm constantly just desperate...
Desperate to not just know.
But to hear that you love me.
Desperate to hear such simple words.
It's like I'm starved for it.
Sometimes it's all I can think about.
All I want.
Is a simple...
"I Love You"

Did he really know me.
Did he know the way I pulled my hair from its ponytail.
The way I knew how he fixed his.
Did he know when I was upset without showing.
As I did with him.
Did he want to know my family.
The places I grew up.
The way I knew his family.
The way I wanted to see where he once lived.
Did he truly know me.
The way I knew him.
Loved me.
The way I loved him.
If he did know me better.
Would he have stayed.
Or left sooner.
If he did know me like I thought.
Is that why he stayed as long as he did.
Did he leave just because he forgot.
He forgot who I am.
We hit a rough patch.
I forgot who I was.
He must have too.

Can you picture it.
How your life was this time last year.
Now think of your life now.
Would you have ever expected it to become this way.
Turn into what it is now.
If somebody had come and told you that this is how your life would develop.
Would you believe them?
Would you have called them insane?
I know I would have.
My life has become the exact opposite of what I'd expect.
It's extraordinary how life changes.

My headaches gone
But my heart still aches
I've slept off a lot of the pain
But there's a lot still left
My heartache over being so far away
It's killing me
Driving me insane
You're all I need to get through the day
You're all I need to fall asleep at night
And yet it doesn't work that way
Not yet atleast
Because you're so far away from me
It's my mistakes that made this distance between us
I know it's ******* you also
But baby if I don't go home soon
This is gonna **** me inside

How could I possibly explain to you the things you do to my mind.
I get overwhelmed with love from one single look.
A thousand butterflies swarm through my stomach when I hear your voice.
And you always leave me stuck smiling.
A smile that could never fade.
Except.
When you start doing what you've grown so good at.
This beloved new pattern of yours.
We make plans.
This means, we have an agreement.
We've struck an accord.
I have your word.
A word that is beginning to mean less and less.
You've ditched me.
Again.
That's all I'm left here thinking.
I've been ditched.
Discarded.
Forgotten until another moment.
You try so hard.
That's what matters most right?
That you're trying?
That you love me?
I love you.
So tell me why I can't get it out of my mind...
I've been ditched.
My insecurities are screaming at me that I don't mean enough to be remembered.
You continuously tell me otherwise.
Yet, that is what I am stuck believing.
How could I possibly explain to you the things you do to my mind.
I've been ditched.
And you are no where to be found.

You sit across the room from me,
And pretend I'm not even there.
You see me take a shot,
And aren't even phased.
How do you just not even care anymore?
No... I understand why you wouldn't care anymore.
I just can't believe it as true.
I messed up.
Now you're stuck pretending I don't exist.
My bestfriend pretends I don't exist.

I can't handle it anymore
I'm at the verge of breaking
And I don't know what to do
I'm going insane

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
All these words in my head I don't know how to speak
I'm sick
****** up in the head
All I want to do is cry and laugh and scream and all these other things

Leave me alone
Doesn't mean leave me alone
It means hold me as tight as you can and never let go
Go away
Doesn't mean go away
It means prove to me that you want to stay
Because truthfully
It's like I'm dying when you leave me alone
So please
Pretty please, promise me
Promise you're never going to leave

They sit there across the room from each other in a comfortable yet unsettling silence.
She sitting on the bed looking at her anxiety bitten nails.
Him sitting at the desk enveloped by his phone.
Getting a moment of courage the girl looks up and asks a simple question.
"Do you miss it?"
Confused the boy looks up.
"Miss what?" He asks.
"Do you miss how it felt to be in love? Do you miss how it felt knowing we always had each other? Always had someone to turn to in the darkest of moments who would grab your hand, and steal you away. Force you into the light and do everything so you never have to go back to the black hole that tries to surround you. Do you miss what it felt like to be smiling the second you saw me or heard my voice? I miss those smiles. I miss how it feels."
Putting down his phone he moves across the empty bedroom and stares straight into her eyes.
"I try not to think about it, but in this moment... Now that I am thinking about it, I do. I miss what it felt like to hold you and watch all of our demons fade away."
"I wish there was a way for us to be in love again. I wish both of us hadn't blown all of our chances."
"So do I my ForeverGirl."
Closing her eyes she feels him sit down next to her and hold her one more time.
Opening them to look at her one love, she looks around in shock.

It's six am according to the alarm clock blaring next to her.
She's in bed alone...
As she always is now.
It was just a dream.
Turning the alarm off before falling back into bed.
She curls up into a ball and cries her way back to sleep.
Back to him.
Dreams being the only place she can feel his touch.
Hear his voice.
The boy she loves.
The boy who died a year ago.

Remember
The day we first met and you fell asleep holding me.
Remember
The day you tried to ask me on a date and I got scared and invited my bestfriend.
Remember
The night we fell asleep in the back of your stepdads truck.
Remember
When we spent an entire night sending each other Avatar the Last Airbender pickup lines.
Remember*
Our first kiss and how perfect it was.
Remember
All those nights we slept on FaceTime.
Remember
All those nights we spent watching Netflix, curled up in each others arms.
Remember
All the times we use to wrestle and you'd pin me against you.
Remember
All those drives we'd take holding hands, music blaring.
Remember
All the inside jokes we had. All the different names we would have for things.
Remember
How we always got butterflies.
Remember
How we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world.
Remember
The way our skin felt pressed against each other.
Remember
The night you painted my nails.
Remember
The day I rode my bike across town just because you wanted me there.

I remember all of it. I remember every memory. Every feeling. I close my eyes and remember it like it is still happening. So tell me...

*Do you still remember when?

I dreamt of you last night.
There wasn't much to it.
It was just you and I talking.
Sitting on the couch talking for hours.
I can't remember what we talked about.
All I remember is that all the stuff that has happened recently...
Didn't matter.
We were still bestfriends.
And we talked for hours.

So much has happened.
I'm slowly starting to lose my mind.
My heart is shattered.
I don't feel depressed
Pessimistic
******
Mad
Sad
Or anything like that.
I feel dead
I feel gone.
I'm not lost anymore.
I know who I am.
But I'm gone.
I'm 1000 miles from everything I care about.
I have nothing to try for currently.
It takes all my energy to wake up.
Or eat.
Or just speak!
Ive lost everything for now.
And I'm tired of fighting to get it all back.
Over and over again.
I just want to go home...
Before I completely die inside

Can't you tell I'm killing myself over here.
Killing myself in the stress.
Drowning as I try to reach your expectations.
You can't treat me like a teenager and expect me to meet the responsibilities and requirements of an adult.
I work my *** of for you but you don't ever see.
I go above and beyond.
Do everything you ask.
I'm starting to realize it's not worth it.
I can't **** myself for you.
I can only do the best of my ability and hope you see.
I have covered your *** so many times.
Covered everyone else more than I can count.
I'm always there.
Does that not count for anything.
If what I bring to the table is so worthless why do I push aside my priorities for this.
I have my own things to be accomplishing here.
My own goals to meet.
If I give you more than I have to give.
What will I have left at the end.
Nothing.
I'll be nothing.
I'm killing myself over here for nothing.
It's time I stop.
It's time I stop worrying about what you will think if I mess up and start worrying about what I need.
What I'm capable of.
What it is I can do.
Because isn't that the goal in life.
To do the best YOU can do.
I shouldn't have to be killing myself anymore for you.

I can't breathe
I can't think
I can't eat
I can't sleep
All hope
All faith
All dreams
All emotion
All pain
Is gone from me
I don't feel anymore
I don't believe anything anymore
I'm just an empty shell if you will
An empty shell with a brain
I can see you
hear you
touch you
taste you
but none of it seems real
I walk through life day by day
Just going through the motions
Trying
Trying just to fit in
To pretend
To live
To care
Hoping no one can see my pain
How much it kills me to try
Each and every day
Just hoping to feel something again...

I have all these memories swarming through my head.
And for once I'm smiling through it.
As the thoughts remind me of the good times of the past.
And instead of laying in sorrow.
Resenting the fact it is ending.
I'm enjoying the fact it occurred

How does one sit there living in normalcy.
Once the heartbreak is over.
And you're no longer living in the love story of a lifetime.
A love story filled with dark minds and never ending friendship.
Where the commoner boy spends months comforting the princess.
Secretly winning her heart over.
Where they become bestfriends.
Become each other's entire worlds.
But don't believe they could make it work.
Don't believe because they live different lives.
Though get to a point where neither can deny it.
They've been in love with each other since the beginning.
All they want is each other.
So they find a way.
They make it work.
They are happy and in love.
They spend all of their moments together.
They have a stronger love than anyone could ever imagine.
But things happen.
It ends.
They end.
They were still happy.
They were still in love.
But they couldn't make it work.
Her dark mind,
Her depression and desire to die became too strong.
She snapped and he couldn't help her.
He struggled with his own darkness.
They began to conflict.
Their worlds were becoming to different to combine.
It was too hard to be together.
So it ended.
Their friendship soon after began to close too.
Their love begins to fade out.
Sometimes you find the one...
Find your soulmate.
The one who you know better than yourself.
Love more than you could ever imagine possible.
Yet circumstances cause it to end.
It has nothing to do with your love.
It's just not the right time.
So the love story ends.
It comes to a close.
Once the heartbreak is over.
You have to learn to live a normal life again.
A life without each other.

E asy is nonexistent.
S orrow is upon us all.
C ant escape from reality.
A ll the pain is coming back.
P eople are surrounding me.
E veryone has left me though.

F reedom is all I want.
R eal freedom.
O f a different sort than the one I posse.
M ental turmoil is what I want to escape from.

R eality *****.
E scaping is all I want.
A lthough I'm scared of letting go.
L ove has a hold upon me.
I wish it wasn't there.
T hough I doubt you know.
Y ou are what I hold most dear.

I remember the first time you held me.
It lasted for only a minute.
I lost my balance and you caught me.
Your hands were on my sides.
My eyes locked with yours.
It was only a matter of seconds before you let go.
Those seconds felt like eternity.
Everything froze in that moment.
Nothing else existed but you.
It feels so cliche to say, like something you'd hear in a movie.
Nothing else exists when you touch me.
Over two years has passed since that moment and it still holds true.
On nights like this I think of that moment.
On nights like this I wish I had you here to hold me and make everything disappear again.

Everywhere I turn
Everything I see
Every word I hear
Every touch I feel
No matter what I do
It all leads back to memories of you

I've come to know a beauty so amazing even this doesn't compare. Standing here with him, I stare only into his eyes.

It's like the earth is shattering around me.
Chaos is swirling through the air.
All the buildings are beginning to crumble.
Brick after brick falling to the ground.
Everything has begun to wither and die.
Destruction is over running the world.
And I'm just sitting there in the center of it all.
I'm sitting in the eye of the storm.
Watching as everything I've ever known falls through the cracks of the universe.

There's so much fear building up inside of me
So much regret and so much sorrow.
I've been through hell and back.
I've seen darker things than most can comprehend.
I've spent days crying.
Nights drinking.
Hidden moments cutting.
All things I used to hide.
Hide from the past.
From the emotional torments I still hold.
The memories I run from.
Memories of my uncle yelling.
Memories of the loneliness,
Of the darkness inside of my mind.

And then there's now....
Now I sit here facing my fears.
Facing the past and all that has occurred.
Remembering instead of hiding.
Sober instead of drunk.
Writing instead of cutting.
I've gone through hell and back to change.
To be the person I want to be.
Not the person I used to hide.

And now...
I am so scared
Scared to go back to my life.
To be the person I am now.
In the world that drug me down.
But here I am facing my fears...

I'm falling for him...
For my bestfriend,
Who lives 1000 miles away.
I don't know what to do
It's all to soon!
But I can't help it.
All I want is to talk to him,
All I do is smile when I do!
But there's so many complications.
The timings all just wrong.
We live 1000 miles away.
There's no way to make this work.
So I'm just left sitting here falling harder with every word
Knowing there's nothing I can do to make this happen,
But just hope someday the timing will be right

What are families now a days?
Are they full of love?
Yes
Are they full of dysfunction?
Even more so
Fights?
Constantly
You love them.
You hate them.
You need them.
You can't stand to be near them.
They keep you sane.
While driving you even more crazy.
But what are families?
Well...
They're simply that.
They're the ones you didn't chose.
They're the ones who never disappear from your life.
No matter how amazing or horrible they are.
They're always apart of you.

Breakdown after breakdown.
Oh god how I miss you.
How I miss what life use to be.
Back when I had him as my bestfriend.
Back when our family felt whole.
Back when I had love and happiness in my life.
I constantly find myself having random break downs.
Because I miss my friends.
I miss him.
I miss myself.
But he is gone.
I am still here hidden somewhere in here.
Until then I still have my friends.
I may be 1000 miles away.
Yet we are only a phone call apart.
My friends will keep me sane.
Keep me happy and smiling.
Make sure I feel loved until I can do that myself.
Because they're not my friends.
They're my family.
They're my brothers and sisters.
The only people I know I can count on in my lowest points.
In all my breakdowns, I miss them dearly.
Though I know they're still there.
And that's how I get through.
My family may feel broken.
But we will make it.
Because we may have chosen to enter one another's lives...
We now know we will never choose to leave it.

I just had an epiphany.
I'm done.
I wouldn't take him back.
He lied too much.
I got too angry.
We were amazing bestfriends .
Even better **** buddies.
But I don't think I could ever be with him again.
He just isn't the guy I feel in love with anymore.
I actually feel like I'm done.
Do I love him...
Yes.
Always will.
But he's not that same guy.

For the first time I feel at peace within my own mind and it's a beautiful feeling.
I have rid myself of the pieces I dispise.
Embraced the positives I hold.
Learned how to love the parts I've never understood.
The love I hold for the universe is raw and pure.
The passion I have for art is unique and bold.
The smile my face has developed is beautiful and real.
The anger I showed for so long is fading away.
While happiness and sanity is taking its place.
I'm falling in love with the girl I've always dreamed to be.
I truly have begun to finally feel like the girl everyone has always seen in me.

I get to town and immediately go to your place.
I text you that I'm there.
I walk to your front door and it's locked.
Which is odd... Cause it's never locked.
I knock and hear laughter inside.
I wait and nobody answers.
I turn away and text you again.
I hear your voice telling me to turn around.
I look back and there you are.
Standing behind you're balcony railing.
Hand picked flowers in your hand tied together with floss.
I run the few steps over to you.
I smile and we kiss.
Our first kiss.
No awkwardness to it.
Just perfection.
We laugh, and smile, and keep kissing.
Until finally after a few minutes stop.
Realizing we have to go back inside.
You hand me the flowers and we walk to your door.
Our friends,
The ones I heard laughing,
Are waiting for us inside.


*It was the perfect day.
With the perfect boy.
A day I wish had never ended.
A memory I always find myself replaying.
Even now, almost a year later.
Even now, when him and I don't even talk.

But here's the thing.
He was my first love.
He was the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
He was the first person to make me see how beautiful life is.
He was the first person I craved to fall asleep with.
To never leave his arms.
He was the first person to show me what love truly is.
He was also the first person to break my heart.
To completely shatter me.
He caused me to cry for months.
To feel like nothing could ever make me happy again.
Now a year and a half later...
The pain is gone.
I don't think of him in every moment.
However I still think of him everyday.
I still love him.
But that's okay.
I'll fall in love one day again.
Knowing that what I had with him was irreplaceable.
That he will always be my first love.
That I will always be his.
Now, I just can't wait till the day I find my final love.

The past year I've reached a level of happiness I use to never think possible.
It's like I've become content with myself and life.
Yet lately I've begun to feel off.
My anxiety has begun to creep back up and is spilling out of me.
I'm losing my calm.
I can't stop overthinking.
Every conversation I have, every action I make echoes through my mind on a loop.
I'm scared to go to work.
Scared to speak at school.
Terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me.
And why?
I have no clue.
It won't stop.
I can't calm down.
I feel like I can't breathe and all I want is a cigarette.
Something I quit over a year ago.
I'm craving it the way I normally crave alcohol.
Like it's an overwhelming desire I can't bottle down.
I can't stop thinking.
I want it to stop.
I want to calm down.
I want to smoke.
And I can't.
I really don't know what to do.
F**k Anxiety.

You use to give me flowers atleast once a day. Now everyday I find myself sitting alone, picking off the petals. Does he love me? Does he not?

I've saved up just enough money for a one way ticket out of here.
To go as far away as I please.
My bags are packed.
I left a note on my bed with all of my goodbyes.
However, there is something stopping me.
If I walk out this door...
I will never see him again,
Once one of us is out of this town...
Our forever is officially over.
Yet my plane takes off in an hour,
So I guess this is it.
The final goodbye to the dreams I once had.

What is it that they say?
Faith, trust, and pixie dust is all you need to fly away.
All you need is to believe.
Did they ever wonder what about those kids who never trust.
Whose ability to have faith is diminished.
The kids who can't believe in anything anymore.
Did they ever wonder how they were supposed to fly?
How they are supposed to escape to such a magical place as Neverland?

I sit here silently
With only the thought of you on my mind
As a smile appears on my face
And my heart starts racing
I begin to get severe butterflies
Your voice and laugh playing in my mind
I feel at such ease
You're my everything
You're my bestfriend
I've never been this in love
To lose you would to be to lose the other half of me
But I have this feeling deep down
That you'll be around for the rest of my life
I mean...
Bestfriend means forever and always right?

I constantly find myself wishing.
Wishing that I could forgot you completely.
Wishing that I could go back.
That we could just never have met.
That I can erase you from my past.
But at the same time...
I'd be praying that you'd still find your way into my path in the future.
Because I never felt happier than our times together.
It'd make sense I've never felt worse than us being apart.
Because I'm left realizing.
I wouldn't be who I am...
If I hadn't had met you.
If you hadn't become my everything.
If you hadn't taught me to be happy.
If you hadn't had destroyed me.
So tell me...
The next shooting star I see,
Should I wish to forget you.

I found a note today.
It was stuck inside my old eyeshadow.
The one that use to stay at your house.
All it had was four little words scribbled on it.
Four little words that use to mean everything.
They stand for everything we once were.
Looking at these words.
Clear as day in your hand writing...
I can't stop myself from crying
All these memories now swarming my head.
The torture is overwhelming.

Friends.
You love them.
You hate them
You care about them.
You want to **** them.
You do anything for them.
You'll die for them.
You'll lie for them.
Your always there for them.
You get mad.
You get annoyed.
You get jealous.
You get in fights.
You say things you don't mean.
You see who they actually are.
You not only see who they are...
You can see all the bad things about them...
You can see who they actually are!
And you don't care.
You don't care if they are obnoxious.
You don't care if they are jerks.
You love them anyways.
You'll be there for them no matter what.
They're always there for you.
You tell each other everything.
You keep each others secrets.
You become family.
You lose them and sometimes they come back.
You make new friends but still keep the old.
They're your friends!
They're your family!
They're the ones you can always count on.
You do stupid stuff together.
You make memories together.
You make mistakes together.
You get in trouble together
You're friends...

A year ago today I was in complete hell. However, a year has passed and though the memories still makes my heart break. Today is becoming an amazing day.

Today's the day.
Today's the day I go home.
Today's the day I see them again.
I see my friends.
I see my family.
I should be so happy.
I just can't get over this overwhelming fear.
What will happen...
What will happen when I see him again?

You had me at "Hey"
You had me at "Do dolphins get dizzy?"
You had me at "I wanna be a whale"
You had me at "Cyborgs in Mt. Rushmore."
You had me with every joke.
You had me at out first phone call.
You had me at first sight.
I was always yours.
I don't know why I let you in like I did.
You lighted up my whole world.
Then you let me shatter back into the darkness.
But you always had me at hello.
I will always think of you and all the butterflies with every mailbox I pass.

Goodbye.

I've struck an epiphany.
One I'm sure countless others have had before me.
One I'm sure has been realized so many times it's begun to lose its significance.
Yet here I am.
Lying awake with an obvious realization.
I have struggled with happiness for so long.
Struggled to have the capability to hold on to it.
Happiness has always been fleeting.
I grasp ahold and long to keep it.
However, I never seem to be able to.
I finally accepted last summer that I deserve happiness though still I struggle believing that.
When I fill my hours with others.
People to keep me away from myself.
I begin to feel as if I'm on cloud 9.
Everything in life seems to shift into place.
It always ends though.
I've never managed to hold on for longer than a few weeks at a time.
As if I'm in a constant never ending loop.
Now I realize for the first time why it ends.
I can't manage to be alone with myself.
You can only cover your days with people for so long before you end up alone for a night.
I can't stand being alone with myself.
No matter other people's opinions of me.
No matter how many people see me in a positive or amazing view.
I disgust myself.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't seem to find happiness in being alone with myself.
Not while I despise who I am.
Until I can find happiness sitting alone.
Until I can discover the good in me.
My happiness will always be fleeting.

I'm struggling to find the words to say to describe how I feel.
Do I write another love poem about how happy and peaceful I feel.
Do I write another poem about how scared happiness makes me.
Do I write about emotions I use to feel when my mind was dark and shattered.
Back when my poetry was at its height.
When the words came without a thought and I could write 20 poems in a night.
Broken hearts and tormented minds create such beautiful lines.
Now I understand why the best artists are always driven with pain.
It makes me wish I was still driven with pain.
How sick does one have to be to think this way.
To wish that someone could break my heart so I can write just one more beautiful line.

I saw you sitting there.
Sitting on that park bench.
With your long board pressed against your knee.
I remember getting out of the van,
Running over to where I could see you.
I was so excited I was practically bouncing.
Though at the same time...
I never before had felt that amount of happiness.
Being near you, has never made me feel happier.
Every time I'm around you that happiness just grows.
Everyday, I see you.
Hear your voice.
I've never felt a greater happiness.
A single person has never made me happier.
You're my happy place.
Just thinking of all those moments with you.
No matter how long its been since they've occurred.
I can't help but smile.

I saw him today.
It didn't hurt anymore.
I wasn't sad at all.
I kind of just wished I could have said hi once last time.
Then continued on with my day.