Every single night for weeks now.
I've cried my eyes out.
While mentally or physically screaming.
I can literally feel how shattered my heart is.
You would think I'd be starting to get better.
But as it gets worse I only get better at hiding it.
All that has happened has shattered me.
And I just want you to hold me till all the pieces go back together

Welcome to Twenty-Sixteen.
Congratulations!
We all made it.
The year from hell is over.
I can finally step away.
Move on and forget it all.
Move on and move forward.
Create a new life for myself.
Create a new way to hold on to happiness.
Goodbye Twenty-Fifteen thanks for all the memories.
Some of them were pretty great.

Here I am.
Back in this town.
Back in this bed.
Laying in a room with glow in the dark stars scattered on the walls.
Here I am.
With one of my best friends asleep in my bed and drunk.
Here I am on the phone with my other best friend.
As she throws up from anxiety.
Scared to death because the boy she loves got busted.
Here I am.
With the guy I like just down the street with the girl he likes laying next to him.
Here I am.
Too stressed to think of sleep.
Wishing desperately I had more than two cigarettes left.
Laying with no excitement for the sun to come up and the next day to begin.
I should have known better than to visit home.
This town is nothing more than a black hole of drugs, heartbreak, and destruction.
Here I am.
I worked so hard to let go of who I am in this place.
I thought one week would be safe.
Here I am.
Slipping back into old habits.
Watching my life slip back into old habits.
Simply because I'm back in this town.
Back in this room.
Back in this bed.
Here I am.
Wishing I was anywhere else.

I’ve been in love before, that’s no secret.
I’ve felt love so intense I couldn’t fathom it ever ending.
Then you appeared.
I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Nothing about being with you, nothing about understanding you was simple and easy.
But every second talking to you, sitting next to you was more than simple and easy.
I’ve found so much peace inside myself.
So much love and happiness.
I’m happier than I’ve been in years.
That’s owed to you.
Your smile is my anchor.
I finally was able to stop the madness in my mind and just live.
And on the bad days I have you next to me, loving me, taking care of me when I need it.
Loving you is peaceful.
It’s like floating in still water.
We are so different.
Nothing about who we are on paper should work.
Yet, we do.
We work perfectly.
Through our differences you push me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned, evolved, and changed for the better.
You’re one of the best things to ever cross my path.
Because of that I think I’ll love you forever.

I feel like I am always hiding.
Never showing the real me.
Never telling anybody how I feel or what I think.
I have always hidden inside and out.
I physically hide behind my long hair and spunky clothing.
I mentally hide behind this wall that I created long ago.
I hid from my friends, my family, and the one I love.
And as I am getting closer and closer
to all of these people for the first time...
I can feel this wall slowly start to crumble,
And it scares me like nothing has before.
I am slowly starting to talk more,
and get comfortable with everyone.
Escape from my shell, I guess.
I have always hidden, inside and out.
I honestly don't know how much longer it is going to last.
But I can tell it won't be that long.
And it scares me and makes me for the first time...
feel vulnerable and kind of raw in a way.
Part of me wants them to actually know who I am.
But I am scared...
I have always hidden inside and out
And I don't know what to do.
Should I give and let them in?
Or should I try to stay hidden?
And just wait for this wall to crumble?

Do you ever have those nights where you're laying in bed and all you want is someone to be there and hold you while you sleep?

Do you ever have those days were you're falling apart and all you want is someone to hold you while you cry?

I have them all the time.

*I just wish I had someone here to hold me.

I spend half my year 1000miles away from home.
And in this moment...
No emotion beats how much I miss my family.
My friends.
My life.
Even just my bed.

I want to go back

Holding back the tears,
I sit here shaking.
I take a deep breathe,
Holding back a sob.
My heart shattering,
As I yet again drive away from the only home I've ever known.
Leaving everything behind.
My friends,
My parents,
My aunts and uncles,
My cousins,
All the memories that this place holds.
I can't stand being away from this place.
Even though I spent years hating it here.
This is my home.
I know this town like the back of my hand.
Yet, I'm being forced to live 1,000 miles away.
I come back once a month,
But only for a weekend.
Never more.
It's not long enough though.
I never get to see all the people I want,
Or spend a great amount of time with those I do.
As hard as being home is,
As hard as all the temptation is,
And the cravings I get to throw away sobriety,
Being away from that place...
Kills me just as much,
If not more.
I'm homesick
And slowly going crazy from it.

How do you say goodbye to those you love?
How do you tell the people who have always been there...
that continuing to talk to them, is unhealthy for you?
How do you say goodbye to your entire world?
How do you just leave it all behind?
Will somebody please tell me how!
Before the question kills me inside...

How do you keep going through existence when your life is caving in
How do you go through the day when the pain is to much to bear
How do you keep smiling that
smile when your empty inside
How do I survive this nightmare I'm living when all want to do is run and hide  
How do you act like your not internally dying when the worlds gone upside down
How do you live when nothing to you matters
How can you be happy when everything has disappeared
How do I care about whether I live or die

I see you over there.
Looking as perfect as ever.
Completely absorbed in what you are doing.
With the face of an angel you look up,
and smile straight at me.
Your eyes shining that amazing shade of green,
Staring right into the caramel color of mine.
I just sit there and smile back.
Wondering to myself,
How was I lucky enough to get you.
To be able to call you "My Love"
You're way to smart,
And way to perfect.
For someone as ordinary as I.
Yes, you have your faults.
But I don't care!
In my eyes you are more than perfection.
And I love you so...
Please, Never leave my side.

How the **** am I suppose to not be madly in love with you.
How am I suppose to sit next you and stop my hands from memorizing you.
How am I suppose to walk next you and not hold your hand.
How the **** am I suppose to talk to you without being overwhelmed by the urge to kiss you.
How am I supposed to speak with you and not flirt or say things that would make you blush till the days over.
How the **** am I suppose to not act like I'm in love with you.
I can't do it.
Especially with you still secretly looking at me how you do.
When you're secretly holding me and holding my hand when nobody's looking.
When you're just coming up and kissing me so quickly that nobody can notice.
How the **** do I stop treating you like I always have?!
Like I have since before we even dated to begin with.
**** this is to hard.
I'm always going to be in love with you...
How the **** am I suppose to do this!?

I dreamt of you again last night.
I do not remember a single moment of the dream in detail.
The thoughts discussed and the actions taken are all a muddled blur.
I do remember that you hugged me.
I remember the feel of your arms wrapping around me.
My head resting on your chest.
The warmth emanating off of you.
The softness of your shirt.
Every fake moment of it, is etched into my mind.

I remember the feeling so deeply, that even now, wide awake and alone in a room I can feel your arms around me.

I can literally play every single memory from our friendship through my mind.

I miss you so much!

I can't stop crying from how much it hurts to let all of this go.

You're my bestfriend! I miss your laughter mixing with mine.

But I know you want the goodbye...

I have this feeling
It lives in my every thought
Embodies my every moment
I feel it stronger than anything I ever have before
I'm more sure of this than I have any other time one of these feelings have occurred
Feelings of what will come to be
I feel it knotted in the pit of my stomach
I feel it with an ache in my heart
Desperately waiting for the moment to occur
I know it will happen
I feel it
I've waited one year now
And I'll keep waiting
I have never been wrong before
No matter how much I hoped to be
I have to be right
I couldn't bear it otherwise

There's a 50/50 chance here my dear.
Shall we stay.
Or shall I go.
I'm fighting an un-winnable war.
Fighting to win.
For so long there has been a weight on my soul.
You lifted it off of me.
Allowed me to see who I truly am.
Now here we are with the stars up above.
Though that weight had fallen back down.
Choosing you as its newest victim.
I'm fighting a war against the darkness that once devoured me.
A battle I've never been able to beat.
The stakes are higher this time.
However I know I can't bring you out of the darkness.
I'm struggling to remember who you are underneath.
It's time I find another place love.
To disappear and never leave a trace.
Go anywhere I want.
I'll never be able to fight the army surrounding you.
I've lost my chance to love who you truly are.

How is it that once my life becomes sane.
I become healthy.
I become happy.
It causes my writing to suffer.
The words evade me.
The poet in me comes to a halt.
It is something I can not understand.

I don't know why I still do this.
I don't know why I still cry.
I don't know why you still mean so much.
I don't know why I miss you
I don't know why I can't stop crying.
******* do I miss you.
And I refuse to tell anybody.
You hate me.
It's my fault you hate me.
But all I do is cry...
And miss you.
Why do I miss you.
I just don't know.....

It's been a few days shy of a year sober.
Yet I'm dying right now to feel that burn on my throat.
It's been a month shy of a year clean.
Yet I'm dying to feel that blade slicing my skin.
It's almost been a year.
And what an amazing and happy year it's been.
Yet right now...
I can't see it.
I feel numb.
And I don't care about any of it.
I just want everything to disappear.
Because if you won't let me be with the love of my life.
If you are going to take me away from him yet again.
I don't want to feel anything.
Not unless he's there with me.

I remember the way it felt.
The way it felt to be set on fire.
One simple look...
One simple touch from you and it was as though I could see the flames coursing over my body.
The electricity running through my veins.
You ignited me in the most beautiful way.
You made that spark reappear in my eyes.
You reminded me how it felt to be alive.

I feel like nothing constantly.
Like nobody gives a **** about me.
I have the lowest self-esteem ever.
But then again how could I not.
Everybody always leaves eventually.
And yes, I know they are not leaving me.
But thats always how it feels.
Everybody I ever start to really care about!
Dissapears...
My sister and I were always really close,
And I was just as close to her friends.
They were everything to me!
And then they all turned 18...
And moved away.
My brother has always been there.
ALWAYS!
He is one of my bestfriends.
And now he is leaving also.
I don't know how I am going to handle,
All of them...
Being gone now.
Because I still always had him.
I don't feel like I fit in with my friends.
Its been almost a year now,
And I still feel like an outsider.
I just feel like I am nothing.
And I don't fit in anywhere.

All I want to do is run away
Run back to the time of ease
When the world was bright and beautiful to me
When everything was full of hope and possibility
I never expected it to be this hard
That all these sacrifices would have to be made
Its driving me insane
I feel so hopeless
It's like the world has lost its worth
And I'm just left sitting here...
Scared out of my mind
With one thought running through my head
I just want to run away

I'm not okay, but that's okay.
And I can't stop crying but atleast I'm feeling.
I may be sad and feeling lonely.
All I want is somebody to hold me.
But I still know no matter what...
I'll be okay.

I love the way you say my name.
I love the way you are always telling me to take just one tiny bite when I'm not eating.
I love the way you look at me and smile.
God do I love your smile.
I love how passionate you are about the things you love.
How enthusiastic you get playing video games.
I love the way you always have to make sure that "I am sure" about everything.
I love that you have dreams.
I love how caring you are.
That I can call you day or night.
I love your taste in music.
I love the way you accept me.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I love how happy I make you.
How happy you make me.
I love the way my heart stops every time you say that you love me.
I love the way you try to hide the giant smile you get when I'm talking about how amazing you are.
I love the way your hand feels in mine.
The way your chest feels when I'm using you as a pillow.
I love the way we can talk for hours or lay in silence together the entire day.
I love knowing that you're always there.
I love you.
I truly do.

It's as simple as that.
It's never going to change.
I'm your "forever girl"
Remember?
I'm forever going to love you...

I love you
Like the moon and the stars
You and I are incomplete without the other

To Gallifrey and Back
Greatful I am for you
Always by my side
Blessed, My heart is yours

Forever and Always
A** half of you is given to me
A half of me is given to you

I still think of you.
In those quiet moments.
When a sad song plays.
When a love song plays...
I read a poem or a quote,
and I feel their heartbreak with the image of you in my mind.
I think of the old days and feel your arms around me,
hear your voice whispering in my ear.
I want you back in my life.
Sitting by my side.
Listening to my drawn out rants.
I miss you.
You helped me see who I am.
You made me glow.
I'll never feel that way again...
The way you made me feel.
Though, I don't know if I ever should.
You set my world on fire in the most amazing way.
Then you left me to burn out.
I had to rebuild myself from the ashes.
I lost myself when I lost you.
I try to forget you.
Forget the beauty of the flame.
But you left me covered in scars from the burns and I can't seem to make them fade away.
I can't seem to make you fade away.
The feel of the fire was too addicting.
And you're too dangerous for me to have.

I was told that over time it would get easier.
Yet...
With each day that passes I find it getting worse.

I miss you
I miss sitting in the passenger seat of your car while you drove and held my hand
I miss running around my room joking around with you
I miss being curled up with you
I miss kissing you
I miss make stupid faces with you
I miss just walking around and making random noises
I miss you
I miss the feel of your arms around me
I miss the way your eyes dilate while turning a deep green everytime we kiss
I miss the way you look at me
And even more the way you react to how I look at you
I miss your smile
And making you smile again and again
I miss it all
I miss just sitting there next you
I miss waking up and immediately seeing you
I miss you so ******* much
These days **** being so far from you
But I know they'll end soon
But for now
I just miss you
And that's all I can ever think
Is how much these next few weeks will ****.
Being so far from you

I act as though I'm okay.
That I'm okay with my life even though I lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time.
Go on walks till midnight.
Do everything I can to disappear.
I tell everyone I'm okay with what's going on even though I hate it.
Just because I don't want to start more fights.
I hate my life.
I'm miserable.
I just want to go back to Indiana.
I can't stand living here.
But I don't want to cause more problems.
I don't know what to do.
I just...
I don't know what to do.
I love my mother.
But I can't stand living here.

I'm laying on the ground.
No singular thought to be found inside the chaos of my mind.
I'm laying here with my favorite song on repeat.
I'm laying here in wait.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be with the shooting stars.
I begin to make my journey to the sky.
Yet, someone's in my path.
Death is standing infront of me laughing.
"It's not your time foolish girl. You may be ready... But I'm not. Now wait."

There's this girl who want to be with me.
And I use to want to be with her so badly.
There's this guy who is inlove with me and wants a second chance.
I use to want a new chance with him so much.
There's all these people I am finding.
That just want to be with me.
Who I would be with.
Yet...
Because of him.
I can't.
I never will.
My heart still belongs to him.
Why won't this madness end.
Why must I still love him.
Does true love actually exist.
Or am I eternally ******* by heartbreak.

I've come to a realization.
I'm different than everyone else and that's okay.
I'm not weird.
I'm unique.
Nobody has ever truly been able to understand me.
Though, a few have come quite close.
I feel with everything in me.
I have depth to my thoughts that most don't.
I dance for no reason.
I dress to mood.
You never know what to expect from me.
You can never fully grasp me.
I've always been this way.
And for years I've been judged for it.
Even by those closest to me.
But, I like who I am.
Correction.
I love who I am.
I'm smart and beautiful.
I'm a free spirt.
I never like to stop moving.
To stop talking.
And that's okay.
That's just who I am.
I don't want to be just another face in a crowd of the same collage on repeat.
I'm unique.
I'm real.
I'm brutally honest.
I love facts.
Cleaning and making lists make me happy.
I'll go from listening to hard rock to listening to Broadway.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone who truly understands the way my mind works.
But that's how I like it.
I finally like who I am.
I like being unique.
As we all should be.
We should all be unique.

I was so close to not being inlove with you.
I was falling out of love.
But then for some reason...
We got close again.
And I couldn't help it.
I fell back in love with you.
Just as much as I had before.
If not even more...
Though now you practically hate me.
So I'm stuck having to force myself back out of love.

Is it no longer possible for someone to look outside of their mind long enough to see me.
To see that I'm cracking, shattering across the floor.
With nothing but tears and sobs to slow my fall.

I need a witness.
I need someone to sit next to me and witness the chaos.
Watch how the sun rises and sets.
Observe how the light falls across our faces.
I need someone there to see the way I light up with a paintbrush in my hand.
The way I laugh until I cant breathe.
I need someone to run through the rain with me.
Drive around with the top down on a star filled night.
I need a witness.
Someone who will see me in the simplest of moments.
Someone who is willing to witness all the beauties of this universe at my side.

I never expected this...
To have the type of friends I have.
To be  in the "pothead" crowd.
I never thought I would be as rebellious as I am
I never thought I would...
Party.
Get high.
Drink.
Sneak out.
Lie.
Steal.
Or any of the other **** I do.
I always thought that,
I would be like my sister...
Because I am so much like her!
But I'm not!
I am no where close to how she is.
I never expected it...
But then again,
I am defiantly not shocked by it!
I don't regret who I am at all!
I do all these things because I want to.
And for no other reason...
I love my friends!
And I am proud of who we all are.

There's so much going on
And nobody understands
But everything has a purpose
And inside every purpose
There's a plan.

Yesterday I took a picture.
This morning I printed it out.
Today I spent the day writing.
I took one look at this picture.
And now I have the first chapter of a book written.
I wasn't intending to start a new book.
It's a funny thing what inspiration can do.
What just one small, simple, everyday thing can do.

Right there is where I fell in love with you.
Walking into this room I am swarmed with memories.
Because right here.
In these four walls...
Is where I fell in love.
Sitting on the floor over there painting.
Sitting on that chair at the desk.
Laying in bed on FaceTime.
There is where I first heard your voice on the phone.
First saw you on FaceTime.
Right there is where I sat while spending 3hrs convincing you it was okay for us to date.
This is where it all happened.
In the living room is the couch I was sitting on when you first messaged me.
There in the kitchen I use to dance while on FaceTime with you.
All of it happened here.
This is where I fell inlove with you.
Sitting here...
Every memory is pouring into my mind.
As though I've gone back in time.
As though walking through that door...
Transported me back to a different life.

In the vibrant shine of my eyes.
I can see all the hope of my future.
All the passion I hold for art.
I can also see how lifeless they are.
How much they lack emotion, happiness, and love.

Why is it that the one person who I want to hold me...
Hold me in the moments that I want to die.
Is the same person that makes me want to die.
Want to die because I can't have him holding me.
It's irony at its best.

I look at you and it feels like my heart is breaking.
How do you truly know we will be okay.
I'm petrified and all I want to do is run.
We are about to spend this amazing month together but then what.
We will be stuck 1,000 miles away again.
Spending month after month attempting a relationship through skype and phone calls.
Keeping things alive with promiscuous snapchats and conversations.
Will we make it?
Will we be okay if we end up going six months or longer apart again.
I love you more than I know how to describe.
Though as my mother taught me...
Love isn't always enough.

Is being in love worth it?
Is being in a relationship worth it?
If you know it's not forever and will inevitably end...

It's four am.
The room is black except for the startling light coming from the TV.
Netflix playing one episode after another.
It's four am.
I'm wide awake.
Why am I wide awake?
No, wait...
I know why.
It's because my brain is on overdrive.
It's four am.
And like every other hour of the day...
Memories are  haunting me.

It is hard for me to fathom how everyone around you can spend months begging you to talk about your feelings.
How they can make you believe it's okay.
They make you think they want to hear.
Want to know.
That it's okay to break down to them.
It's hard for me to fathom how they can say all these things to you, trying to get you to break down your walls.
However the second you do they're no where in sight.
All of these people are no where in sight.
You message them pouring out your heart because they said they will be there.
Then spend hours waiting for a response they never seem to send.
It makes it so you stop speaking to everyone again.
It makes it so you don't even want to have surface level conversations with them.
You trusted they will be there.
They promised.
It's hard for me to fathom what changed in the time it took for you to open up.
What caused them to stop caring.

Laying out in the sun.
Getting sunburns that lead to tans.
Spending hours in the ocean.
Waves crashing against my skin.
Lots of smiles.
Lots of laughter.
Yet something's missing.
Something's not right.
This great day feels wrong.
And I can't quite place why.
Though I think I'm starting to figure it out.
I think it's because of you.
Because you're not here experiencing this with me.
And you were suppose to always be here.
Experiencing the rest of life and its beauty at my side.

They say to be happy.
Things will get better.
Just try harder.
They tell you to stop.
Stop cutting.
Stop drinking.
Stop being sad.
They tell you to just get over it.
To just smile.
That you'll be okay.
Little do they know,
It's not that simple...