It's the simplest moments that the loneliness hits the hardest.
When things as mundane as stubbing your toe occur.
The moments when you just need someone to help you up.
Freak out about the tiniest cut and rush to bring you a bandaid.
But you have to stifle your yell of pain.
Force yourself up.
Take care of yourself.
Because that's the thing about being alone.
Nobody is there to help in even the simplest of moments.

Why is the sight of blood dripping down my thigh so appealing?
Why do I love the burning of alcohol so much?
Why does a bottle of pills make me smile?
Why do I adore having a hazed mind.
Why does smoke flowing around me excite me?
Why are these habits so bad...
If they make me feel alive?
If they make me calm?
If they help me cope?

100 years ago.
If we were this in love...
We would be married or atleast engaged by now.
We would understand the fact we're meant to be.
That our love is one to last lifetimes.
We would go with it and let our love thrive.
We wouldn't be worrying about anybody else.
We wouldn't be worrying about our future.
It would just be us.
We would let our love and happiness with each other be it all.
But it isn't 100years ago
Life is all about success and who you're going to be.
And at our ages...
In this century...
We can't be meant to be
Not currently anyways.
The way the world runs that's the worst thing we can ever do.
Sooo we can't be in love.
I'm going to have to stop acting like it.
But I **** well am not going to ever stop feeling it.
I am always going to love you.
Hopefully someday we will find our way back.
We will be meant to be again.
It just ***** that the world punishes those who find love so early now.
If we met 10 years from now...
Nobody would blink twice about how we feel and care.
But we're stuck with all this life everyone is telling us we have to live.
Lives that currently we can't live together.
I really just keep hoping for a time machine.
Or that you'll start not caring about what society says it takes to live.

I did it again.
I picked up the blade and played that game of tic tac toe.
I stained my fingers with the ****** ink.
Dragging the blade back and forth till I felt drunk on the cuts.
Till I felt numb from the pain.
The mental pain I'm drowning in.
The pain caused from missing a boy who no longer exists.
Missing a girl who died with her child.
Missing the family that left when her mother walked out the door.
The pain caused from the anxiety left on me.
The anxiety of never knowing who to talk to or where I belong.
If I still have people in my life to lean on.
However that's probably partially my fault.
I the girl who never stops speaking...
No longer even tries to speak to those I care for.
I can't.
My blade has become my bestfriend tonight.
And I don't think any of them would understand.
So here I sit.
Laying on the floor of my closet.
An ace bandage wrapped around my thigh.
Hiding my newest game of tic tac toe.
As I write you this poem.

I've always loved looking at the stars.
Then I always found us laying outside staring at the stars.
Then I fell inlove with them even more.
I always thought of you on a star filled night.
And then...
When I had my miscarriage...
I started calling that baby my shooting star.
Stars have become the world to me.
Except now instead of filling me with happiness and happy memories.
They make me wish for all the moments I've lost.
I'm sitting outside looking at the stars.
Filled with this feeling of content loneliness.
I go outside every night before I sleep And stare up at the stars.
The stars are always above us.
They are the most beautiful thing in my life now a days.

I have never been one to love cheesy lines.
Talking like immature children with no real knowledge at love feels like an insult on my intelligence.
However,
To tell the girl in love with food;
That she looks like french fries and that's you saying she looks beautiful...
To tell the girl in love with Avatar the Last Airbender;
That you'd wait in an iceberg a 100 years to be with her...
To ask the girl in love with Doctor Who;
If she will have tea and crumpets with you...
That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
Those are the things that cause enormous undying smiles to appear on my face.
Those are the things that make me blush for the rest of the day.
Those are the words I will never forget.
Those are the words no girl will ever forget.
If you are willing to connect with who I am,
I will be in love with you for the rest of eternity.

I get through my day with lying smiles and fake laughter.
I get up everyday and dress like everything is okay.
I've gotten so good at pretending....
Nobody ever knows that I'm shattered inside.
That way I don't have to explain to people why I'm not okay.
Truthfully I'm more than not okay.
I'm dead inside.
The only reason I'm still physically alive...
Is so I don't cause this much pain to those I care for.
Which is more pain than most people can handle.
I live a loveless life.
I don't know how to love anymore.
I can say the words...
But the emotion just isn't there.
It's a horrible life to live.
I feel as though I am nothing.
Mentally I'm crying and screaming.
On the outside I'm smiling.
Wishing somebody would see my internal tears.
That way they could hold me close and pull me away from the darkness.
The way he did all those lifetimes ago.

I never expected this...
To have the type of friends I have.
To be  in the "pothead" crowd.
I never thought I would be as rebellious as I am
I never thought I would...
Party.
Get high.
Drink.
Sneak out.
Lie.
Steal.
Or any of the other **** I do.
I always thought that,
I would be like my sister...
Because I am so much like her!
But I'm not!
I am no where close to how she is.
I never expected it...
But then again,
I am defiantly not shocked by it!
I don't regret who I am at all!
I do all these things because I want to.
And for no other reason...
I love my friends!
And I am proud of who we all are.

With you I never stop smiling.
I never stop laughing.
With you I'm overcome with happiness.
That's what I love most about being with you.

Wake Up
Smoke
Go To Work
Smoke
Watch Netflix
Smoke
Stay Up All Night Stuck In My Head
Smoke
Force Myself To Sleep
Falling Asleep Dreaming Of Him
And Repeat

There's a 50/50 chance here my dear.
Shall we stay.
Or shall I go.
I'm fighting an un-winnable war.
Fighting to win.
For so long there has been a weight on my soul.
You lifted it off of me.
Allowed me to see who I truly am.
Now here we are with the stars up above.
Though that weight had fallen back down.
Choosing you as its newest victim.
I'm fighting a war against the darkness that once devoured me.
A battle I've never been able to beat.
The stakes are higher this time.
However I know I can't bring you out of the darkness.
I'm struggling to remember who you are underneath.
It's time I find another place love.
To disappear and never leave a trace.
Go anywhere I want.
I'll never be able to fight the army surrounding you.
I've lost my chance to love who you truly are.

Stay by my side.
Don't let go for a second.
I can't imagine life without you again.
Just lay here a while longer.
Let's hold off on this ending as long as possible.
This isn't the last time I'll see you.
I just refuse to wait any longer for the next.
We belong at each other's sides.
Why does distance have to make love so hard?

There are those who say they stay awake
From the hours of 1-5am because the world is silent
No body is trying to bother them
However I disagree
Between 1-5am the world is my destruction
My mind becomes a tormented prison
Those I love call me crying
Torn down from their own mental hell
People are using drugs
Girls and guys are *******
The world is not silent
The world is exploding into a chaos that most can not see
They're hidden away in their bedrooms protected from harm
Kept safe from the cruelty the rest of us endure.

I've finally accepted reality.
There's no getting over you.
There will not be one second from the moment I started,
To the day I am no more,
That I will stop loving you.
I know that are time is through.
That I can't even think of your name without feeling as though I'm dying.
But there's no point in trying anymore.
I will never be over you.
Though I am starting to learn how to live my life again...
Knowing that a giant part of me loves what I can never again have.

I'm an artist in many ways.
I use a pen.
I use paint.
I use canvas.
I use a blade.
I use my body.
My masterpiece sometimes drips down my legs.
As I play tic tac toe on my thigh.

I see you walking down my street
and the sight of you is so **** sweet.
Every time I see your smile
My heart skips a beat.
You'll never know how I feel
but you're all I ever think about.
The thought of you is so **** sweet.
Everything about you is perfection to me...
your eyes
your voice
your look
your charm
I love everything about you
Even all the things I hate.
You are annoying
and cocky
and a complete and total ***
but none of that matters to me.
When it's just us...
your always so **** sweet.
I see the true you hidden behind all those layers.
At first you are the shyest
most socially awkward person in the world.
Then you get comfortable
and start to act like an ***
but underneath all that I know...
Your so **** sweet
and just perfect for me.

And in her final hours the stars showed themselves brighter than ever before. Lightening streaked through a perfectly clear sky. The wind swayed through every single leaf in eye sight. Before she took one last swig from her drink then laid down for the last time.

Someday I'll learn how to fly.
I'll leave this place and all of my fears behind.
My soul will heal and my smile won't look as forced.
I will journey down an adventure few experience and many envy.
I will sit in silence without thoughts over powering me.
I'll forget everything I've been through, all the pain I've endured.
Someday I'll be everything I've dreamed of.

I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to be in love.
In a relationship with not just somebody who loved me.
But someone who was also my bestfriend.
Now here I am.
You're still my bestfriend.
I'm still in love with you.
But we're not together.
So I'm just constantly craving to hear it.
Yearning for you to say those three words again.
Desperate to hear you tell me
"I Love You"
I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to hear you tell me that.
For the person I love to show love back to me.
Now I'm constantly just desperate...
Desperate to not just know.
But to hear that you love me.
Desperate to hear such simple words.
It's like I'm starved for it.
Sometimes it's all I can think about.
All I want.
Is a simple...
"I Love You"

Why can't I get this feeling out of my head.
Anytime somebody brings it up,
Children,
Pregnancy,
Miscarriage.
The feeling comes back.
The empty feeling throughout all of me.
The crushing feeling on my heart.
The pounding in my head.
The all over urge to crawl in bed and never leave.
I felt the life of my child evaporate from me.
As hard as I try...
I just can't forget it.
This is the worst pain I've ever felt.
And it never goes away.
It just fades out from time to time.

Did he really know me.
Did he know the way I pulled my hair from its ponytail.
The way I knew how he fixed his.
Did he know when I was upset without showing.
As I did with him.
Did he want to know my family.
The places I grew up.
The way I knew his family.
The way I wanted to see where he once lived.
Did he truly know me.
The way I knew him.
Loved me.
The way I loved him.
If he did know me better.
Would he have stayed.
Or left sooner.
If he did know me like I thought.
Is that why he stayed as long as he did.
Did he leave just because he forgot.
He forgot who I am.
We hit a rough patch.
I forgot who I was.
He must have too.

I'm sitting here in the same spot I have sat hundreds of times before with memories taking over my mind. Thinking back to a happier time.
A time with you sitting next to me with a talon in your hand.

I can literally play every single memory from our friendship through my mind.

I miss you so much!

I can't stop crying from how much it hurts to let all of this go.

You're my bestfriend! I miss your laughter mixing with mine.

But I know you want the goodbye...

Why can't I stop these dreams.
They crash into my mind.
Then spend the day on repeat.
I despise it.
That's my time to escape my thoughts of you.
Yet. You fill those moments as well
Though at the same time...
They're so vivid.
It's as though you're right next to me.
I wake up thinking it was real.
Which maybe is why I hate it so much.
Befriends means forever and always right?
What happened to forever and always.
Why did things have to be ruined.
I just want these dreams to end.
So my thoughts of you aren't as constant.
That way I'm not always reminded of the heartbreak.
The crushing sensation of losing my bestfriend.

Today was such a great day.
Today was my birthday.
I normally dispise this day.
I find birthdays idiotic.
Why submit people into categories of age.
When the mind is an age different from the body.
Though today was different.
For the first time in years I loved this day.
I haven't smiled in so long, my face aches.
I spent the day running around with friends,
Swimming,
Laughing,
Loving the time together.
Today was a great day.
I'm truthfully amazed.

My dear
My sweetie
My darling
My baby
My favorite
My cutie
My idiot
My dork
My freak
My sweetheart
Honey
Babe
Lover
My love!!!!
These are all things I have called you before!
And they are all true!
Sooooooo....
May I just say that,
You are mine!!!
I love you!!

Spent the day sick.
Nausea filling my hours.
Laying here now.
Music blaring.
Soaking in a steaming hot bath.
Tea in hand.
Fruit, Chocolate, and Gummy Bears by my side.
Candles lite in the distance.
I remember no matter how bad it gets.
How unpleasant you feel.
Life always has it peaceful moments to keep you sane.

I look at you and it feels like my heart is breaking.
How do you truly know we will be okay.
I'm petrified and all I want to do is run.
We are about to spend this amazing month together but then what.
We will be stuck 1,000 miles away again.
Spending month after month attempting a relationship through skype and phone calls.
Keeping things alive with promiscuous snapchats and conversations.
Will we make it?
Will we be okay if we end up going six months or longer apart again.
I love you more than I know how to describe.
Though as my mother taught me...
Love isn't always enough.

They say to follow your heart when your mind disagrees
But I'm not sure if I should
My heart says that I miss you
I miss talking to you
And what we once had
But my mind says that I shouldn't
That I shouldn't care about you at all anymore
My heart begs me to try because you make me happy.
And my mind says don't, you'll just get broken again
That he doesn't actually care
That he never will
My heart argues back
Saying that's not true
He wouldn't speak to me if that was the case
Wouldn't say what they did if that was true
My mind reminds me though that even so it won't matter
The opportunity has long since passed.
It'll be impossible to get it back
My heart simply states...
Anything is possible if you try hard enough...
The question I ask though is should I try..?
Or I should I push you back away?

You inform me that cigarettes will **** me.
They'll destroy my lungs.
Give me cancer.
That each cigarette shortens my life.
That with each drag I'm killing myself.
That it's not healthy.
Yet.
Don't you think I know all of this too.
You're definitely not the first to inform me either.
So don't you think that I don't care.
I don't care if it kills me.
Maybe I want to die.
Maybe I hope it kills me.
Because....
I would never end my life myself.
I couldn't.
I could never put my family through that.
So yes I know this next drag will shorten my life.
This next cigarette could collapse my lungs.
But I welcome it.
I wish it.
I can't stand living here.
So please.
Let me smoke this pack in peace.
I can't wait for the consequences to occur already.

I'm falling for him...
For my bestfriend,
Who lives 1000 miles away.
I don't know what to do
It's all to soon!
But I can't help it.
All I want is to talk to him,
All I do is smile when I do!
But there's so many complications.
The timings all just wrong.
We live 1000 miles away.
There's no way to make this work.
So I'm just left sitting here falling harder with every word
Knowing there's nothing I can do to make this happen,
But just hope someday the timing will be right

I've had somewhat of a heavy heart as of late.
The loss of you has been hitting more frequently again.
The pain is always there though at times is more intense.
I saw another shooting star just now.
That would be 5 since I lost you.
My beautiful baby whose eyes never got to meet the world.
My beautiful baby who I never got the chance to hold.
I think of you constantly.
With every shooting star I see I know it's your way of telling me everything will be okay.
I will be okay.
My beautiful baby.
My shooting star.
You will always be with me.

I act as though I'm okay.
That I'm okay with my life even though I lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time.
Go on walks till midnight.
Do everything I can to disappear.
I tell everyone I'm okay with what's going on even though I hate it.
Just because I don't want to start more fights.
I hate my life.
I'm miserable.
I just want to go back to Indiana.
I can't stand living here.
But I don't want to cause more problems.
I don't know what to do.
I just...
I don't know what to do.
I love my mother.
But I can't stand living here.

I was told that over time it would get easier.
Yet...
With each day that passes I find it getting worse.

I made it.
I did it.
I'm so proud.
So happy.
So at peace in this moment
Because I did it.
I made it a year sober.
I made it over a year sober.
I never want to go back!
D.O.S 12/9/13 <3

Take me back to the old days.
The days of eight people squeezing into one booth.
The days of random free food.
The days of pilling people into a car and blaring music.
Having silently parties while my parents were asleep.
Random night walks.
Random night drives.
Unplanned trips to the mall.
Spending hours just sitting in a room.
All of us pilled in to one apartment.
Getting the text from mom telling us she's making dinner and everyone comes running.
Take me back to the old days.
I miss it.

You told me that I was "perfect".
That I am cute,
beautiful,
hot,
****,
gorgeous,
and more.
You told me and I quote...
"You have big *****,
a great ***,
**** legs,
an amazing torso,
and are beautiful."
You respected me and that I wasn't okay with certain things.
And told me I was worth the wait.
You told me I was a super genius.
You constantly told me that I am amazing.
And that you didn't understand how somebody like me....
Would go for somebody like you.
And yet you're the one who dumps me...
You told me that you had fallen for me!
That you had "hit the ground"
But yet you broke up with me for her...
Your ex girlfriend who you then tell me that you still really really love!!
That there is just something about her!!
You say that I am "perfect" and yet you chose her...
Little did you know that I hate compliments!
I hate them with a burning passion!
Because they are all I have heard my entire life,
Whenever people want something from me.
And they confuse the **** out of me!
Because I don't see myself that way...
And I never have.
I don't believe that I am smart...
But its be proven to me so many times I can't argue anymore.
I don't believe that I am pretty.
But I have been told so many times that I can't argue anymore.
And I especially don't believe I am "amazing"
No matter how many times people tell me otherwise.
I have the lowest self-esteem for somebody who is "perfect"
But why wouldn't I!!
Even though you say I'm "perfect" you still chose her...
Emotions always beat you no matter how "amazing" you are.
Unfortunately emotions are what I lack in...
How can somebody be "perfect" if they can't feel anything!
So I guess it makes sense that you picked her...
She can actually share her feelings with you,
Unlike me.
I understand though what its like to love somebody...
How there can just be something about that person that you adore.
But I let go of ever being back with the guy I felt that way about,
I let go when I started talking to you!
And you didn't let go of her...
It makes me wonder....
How amazing she is, to win you over the girl who everyone
Not just you tells that she is "perfect"
Like I said I have the lowest self esteem for somebody who is "perfect".....
And one day I hope to understand why...
To understand whats so wrong with me that nobody ever truly falls in love with me!
I really just needed to get all of this out of my system.... I am happy, that you are happy Parker! Or I would be happy if I had that emotion.... And as your best friend I do hope that everything works out between you too!

Pounding heart
Spinning mind
Vibrating body
Words upon words flowing from my mouth
Getting dizzy from the anxiety
Why must I never stop speaking
Say the wrong thing
In the wrong moment
At the wrong time
Embarrassing myself with every syllable
Talking faster and faster with every second
The flow of words never ending
Till the agony of embarrassment halts me

Whether night or day.
You're my sister.
If we haven't spoken in days, or in a year.
If you need me...
Just yell and I'll come running.
No matter how much distance lays in between
True friendship never dies.
I'll never stop caring.
This is my oath to you.
I'll always be there to watch the sunset in the morning.
I'll always be there to make you Mac N' Cheese as you sing.
You're my life long partner in crime.

Some day I'm going to tell my kids about you.
I'm going to tell them about the boy who saved my life.
How you randomly messaged me on Facebook talking of dolphins, whales, and cyborgs.
I'm going to tell them how you were my bestfriend.
That I fell in love with you instantly and no body had ever made me happier.
I'm going to tell them about how you made me a better person.
How you taught me how to love myself by showing me how you saw me.
But I'm also going to tell them about how you broke me.
How you completely shattered me. That you crushed everything I was.
Took all the light from my life.
Made it impossible to breathe.
How I cried for months.
About how you turned into an unrecognizable person.
That I didn't get out of bed for weeks.

*And hopefully I'll be able to tell them that it got easier.
That overtime I started being able to sleep and eat.
That you stopped being the only thing on my mind.
That I slowly learned how to breathe again.

E asy is nonexistent.
S orrow is upon us all.
C ant escape from reality.
A ll the pain is coming back.
P eople are surrounding me.
E veryone has left me though.

F reedom is all I want.
R eal freedom.
O f a different sort than the one I posse.
M ental turmoil is what I want to escape from.

R eality *****.
E scaping is all I want.
A lthough I'm scared of letting go.
L ove has a hold upon me.
I wish it wasn't there.
T hough I doubt you know.
Y ou are what I hold most dear.

But that's the thing...
The world isn't beautiful.
The world is dark and scary.
It is ugly and corrupting.
Picture perfect images hiding the mountains of sin and turmoil.
Picture perfect images hiding the truth all are to afraid to see.
We all think we know what beauty is.
We all think we've seen it.
Though few truly know what it is.
Because beauty...
Is hidden even beyond the deepest parts of the darkness.
So tell me.
Can you see the beauty in the darkness.

It happened again last night.
I was outside.
The stars searing through the sky.
On the verge of tears.
Missing him.
Wishing for my baby.
The family I almost possessed.
On the verge of tears.
Thoughts pounding through my head.
Getting lower and lower by the second.
Until it happened.
A shooting star spread through the sky.
Just like that one time before.
Telling me that it will all be okay.
To smile and wish.
Not fall apart in the past.

Falling for you was a dream come true.
Loving you was the nightmare I never expected.

I'm that girl
The one who everyone goes to.
Who gives everyone the perfect advice,
Right when they need it.
Who can solve any and everyone's problems.
Who is there for anybody whenever they need me.
But who's own life and relationships are complete hell.
I can fix everyone else's problems but I can't fix my own.
It ***** being that girl...
Knowing that you helped the people,
around you get to where they are.
That you helped them all become happy.
Watched them escape from the mental hell they were in.
But not being able to do that for yourself.

I can't breathe
I can't think
I can't eat
I can't sleep
All hope
All faith
All dreams
All emotion
All pain
Is gone from me
I don't feel anymore
I don't believe anything anymore
I'm just an empty shell if you will
An empty shell with a brain
I can see you
hear you
touch you
taste you
but none of it seems real
I walk through life day by day
Just going through the motions
Trying
Trying just to fit in
To pretend
To live
To care
Hoping no one can see my pain
How much it kills me to try
Each and every day
Just hoping to feel something again...

I'm laying on the ground.
No singular thought to be found inside the chaos of my mind.
I'm laying here with my favorite song on repeat.
I'm laying here in wait.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be with the shooting stars.
I begin to make my journey to the sky.
Yet, someone's in my path.
Death is standing infront of me laughing.
"It's not your time foolish girl. You may be ready... But I'm not. Now wait."

Your mouth pressed against mine.
Our bodys complexly intertwined
As our hands scarcely explore the uncharted territory of each other
The ****** desire filling one anothers eyes
As we slowly start losing clothing,
And the rest of the world completely fades away,
With only each other on our minds.
My breathing becomes heavier
I can feel your heart beat against my bare skin,
It's fluttering just as fast as mine.
As we slowly become one.
Like puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together