Your mouth pressed against mine.
Our bodys complexly intertwined
As our hands scarcely explore the uncharted territory of each other
The ****** desire filling one anothers eyes
As we slowly start losing clothing,
And the rest of the world completely fades away,
With only each other on our minds.
My breathing becomes heavier
I can feel your heart beat against my bare skin,
It's fluttering just as fast as mine.
As we slowly become one.
Like puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together

I can't breathe
I can't think
I can't eat
I can't sleep
All hope
All faith
All dreams
All emotion
All pain
Is gone from me
I don't feel anymore
I don't believe anything anymore
I'm just an empty shell if you will
An empty shell with a brain
I can see you
hear you
touch you
taste you
but none of it seems real
I walk through life day by day
Just going through the motions
Trying
Trying just to fit in
To pretend
To live
To care
Hoping no one can see my pain
How much it kills me to try
Each and every day
Just hoping to feel something again...

You literally make it feel as though I can't breathe.
Which is why I can't keep pretending.
I can't pretend I only see you as a friend.
Just seeing your name cross my phone makes me smile like an idiot.
I'm falling for your goofy smile.
I'm falling for your horrible sentence structure in texts.
I like you.
I'm falling for you.
I want you to be here next to me.
Holding me as I sleep every night.

She sat there in hysterics.
Mentally and emotionally numb.
Swinging her feet off the side of a dock in debate.
Debating on how long it takes someone to drown.
What it feels like to be suffocated by the water.
How long would it be till someone found her.
What her parents reactions would be.
What her siblings and friends would feel.
If anyone would truly care or let go after the appropriate amount of time to grieve.
Time ticking fast.
She promised herself not to rush into the decision.
She survived once before when she attempted too quickly.
The seconds and minutes blurred together quickly as her deadline approached.
She took of her jewelry, jacket, and shoes.
Took the password off of her phone.
She was ready.
One minute remaining.
Her decision already made.
She finishes her cigarette.
It's 2:01
One minute passed.
Then she hears him.
Running over to her.
Sitting down with her.
Hugging her.
Asking her if she's okay.
Saving her.
Not realizing that if he was just a few minutes later she would be lost to him forever.
He saved her.

You make eternity feel like a matter of seconds.
Sitting next to you feels like I'm frozen in time.

Can I just have you back now?
Could it be how it use to be?
I'm going crazy over here.
I can't stop missing you.
Missing how it use to be.
I miss those long conversations.
Being able to always call you mine.
Knowing I always had someone here for me.
When I truly needed someone.
So please?
Can we go back in time?
To the time when you were only mine.

When you spend so much time with fake smiles being displayed...
The real smiles begin to look like the fake ones.
That's the truly sad part about life.

It's four am.
The room is black except for the startling light coming from the TV.
Netflix playing one episode after another.
It's four am.
I'm wide awake.
Why am I wide awake?
No, wait...
I know why.
It's because my brain is on overdrive.
It's four am.
And like every other hour of the day...
Memories are  haunting me.

Is being in love worth it?
Is being in a relationship worth it?
If you know it's not forever and will inevitably end...

Standing in the midst of the ocean.
Enchanted by the beauty surrounding me.
Youre the only other thing on my mind.
The beauty of your smile.
The blue, green of your eyes.
Is the only thing that compares to this.
The cool feel of the waves crashing into my skin.
Is the most magnificent thing I have felt.
Yet, one touch from you...
Makes an unbeatable fire course through me.
In this moment.
I can't imagaine how one single thing.
The most beautiful thing.
Could beat how I see you.

She hid from those who loved her.

She rebelled to the point of self destruction.

She was overtook by the sorrow and darkness.

She rebuilt herself out of the ashes.

She replaced the fear with patience.

The emptiness with love.

She replaced the anger with passion.

The sorrow with joy.

I remember the first time you held me.
It lasted for only a minute.
I lost my balance and you caught me.
Your hands were on my sides.
My eyes locked with yours.
It was only a matter of seconds before you let go.
Those seconds felt like eternity.
Everything froze in that moment.
Nothing else existed but you.
It feels so cliche to say, like something you'd hear in a movie.
Nothing else exists when you touch me.
Over two years has passed since that moment and it still holds true.
On nights like this I think of that moment.
On nights like this I wish I had you here to hold me and make everything disappear again.

Winters coming beware.
With every beautiful snowfall and toasty blanket to curl up with comes something to fear.
Winter brings darkness.
You become filled with depression and despair.
Life turns upside down as the new year is about to begin.
Tears get shed and hearts get broken as people try to make themselves anew.
Mistakes get made.
Pain gets spread.
All as winter comes.
Fate having its last evil spree before the warmth and sunshine coming back to play.
Beware of winter.
I'd suggest you flee.
Then maybe there will be some survivors.
I'll be back when the flowers begin to bloom once more.

All she knew was that nothing in the world could be more perfect than this moment. With the sea spread out infront of her lightly crashing to the shore, the sun tanning the bridge of her nose, and the wind softly blowing through her thick hair. Nothing could make this moment better; except of course one thing. Though she knew better than to think of such devastations. The pain and sorrow was far too much. She always dreamed of coming here with him. However, that was before he left and everything changed.

I constantly find myself sitting here.
In a state between nostalgia and remorse.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
I find myself sitting here almost a full year later.
An entirely new cycle of memories having been made.
Yet I still find myself sitting here everyday.
The memories of the year prior playing like a movie on a never ending loop still have yet to leave my mind.
It's been almost a year since we've touched.
Since we've spoken.
So tell me why I can hear his voice perfectly as though he's right next to me.
Why can I feel his touch as though he is next to me.
His hand intertwined with mine.
I try to forget.
Though it never works....
They say time heals all wounds.
It's been almost a full year.
The pains never changed.
It's just as harsh and brutal.
The only thing that's changed, is that I've gotten use to it.
It's been almost a full year.
I still constantly find myself sitting here.
Feeling nothing but pain and the cold metal of the necklace he got me against my skin.

Who am I?
Do you see me as I see you.
I can't tell who I am.
I'm lost.
Where have I gone.
Who have I become.
Am I the person I use to be before.
Or am I a completely different being.
Am I a mixture of the both.
I'm unsure.
I see you.
I see all of you for who you are.
Yet I can't see myself.
Do you see me.
Will you tell me who I have become.
Am I an author.
A poet.
A painter.
Am I smart.
Or beautiful.
Am I sweet.
Rebellious.
A mixture of all combined.
Who have I become.
Can you tell.
I've become blinded and can't see.
Who am I?

I'm sorry but I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Having emotions again...
Opening myself back up to those around me.
It's too hard.
It's too painful.
I'm not use to everyday emotions.
Getting sad, angry, or stressed over the small things.
I can't handle it.
I want to go back.
Back to suppressing it all.
Being emotionless and cold.
Distant from those I love.
It was easier.
Miserable but easier.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying but I want to give up.
If you notice me disappear again.
Start talking less...
Well I'm sorry.
I tried for you.
I guess you were wrong though, I'm not strong enough.

I love the way you say my name.
I love the way you are always telling me to take just one tiny bite when I'm not eating.
I love the way you look at me and smile.
God do I love your smile.
I love how passionate you are about the things you love.
How enthusiastic you get playing video games.
I love the way you always have to make sure that "I am sure" about everything.
I love that you have dreams.
I love how caring you are.
That I can call you day or night.
I love your taste in music.
I love the way you accept me.
I love that you can always make me smile.
I love how happy I make you.
How happy you make me.
I love the way my heart stops every time you say that you love me.
I love the way you try to hide the giant smile you get when I'm talking about how amazing you are.
I love the way your hand feels in mine.
The way your chest feels when I'm using you as a pillow.
I love the way we can talk for hours or lay in silence together the entire day.
I love knowing that you're always there.
I love you.
I truly do.

We spoke today.
First time since April.
You gave me a ride.
It was weird.
Awkward yet Comfortable.
We spoke on and off the entire time.
We were even laughing.
It was weird.
A good weird.
Simply because now I know.
Now I know I'm over you.
Simply speaking to you...
It gave me the closure I haven't been able to posses.
The closure I've craved for this past year.
So thanks for the ride babe.
But mostly...
Thanks for my new found freedom.
I'll always love you.
But now I'm positive that I don't want you.

Do you remember the night where for a minute you forgot we weren't dating.
Months after we broke up.
And now...
You hate me.
If I could go back in time,
The one thing I would change is us...
I would have saved us.
I would have never ruined us.
I would never done what caused you to hate me.
I use to have no regrets.
Now I constantly regret us.
Regret how we ended.
Regret that I was to stuck in my head to see what happened.
I would have saved us.
Saved not just our relationship...
But our friendship.
Which has always been the most important thing to me.

Is it no longer possible for someone to look outside of their mind long enough to see me.
To see that I'm cracking, shattering across the floor.
With nothing but tears and sobs to slow my fall.

There's this girl who want to be with me.
And I use to want to be with her so badly.
There's this guy who is inlove with me and wants a second chance.
I use to want a new chance with him so much.
There's all these people I am finding.
That just want to be with me.
Who I would be with.
Yet...
Because of him.
I can't.
I never will.
My heart still belongs to him.
Why won't this madness end.
Why must I still love him.
Does true love actually exist.
Or am I eternally ******* by heartbreak.

You say that I'm your dream girl.
I the girl of imperfection.
The girl full of sorrow.
To broken to love.
How do you not see how fragmented I am.
To be with me is to walk on broken glass.
I'm destructive.
I will cut you to pieces along with myself.
As I did to the man before.
If not for me...
He would not have been destroyed.
Do not let me destroy you.
Let me warn you.
I have a pretty face.
I have a sweet, caring attitude.
Yet, the inside is scarred and scary.
On the inside I am destruction in its whole.
Let go of me.
For fear I will break you too.

You weren't just my boyfriend.
You weren't just my lover.
You were my bestfriend.
Through the hardest year of my life,
You stayed by me and held my hand.
And now.....
You're done with me.
On top of everything else going on.
I lost you.
My bestfriend.
And that's killing me so deeply inside

Irrational fear builds up inside of me
I start to mentally scream
As I begin to take shallow breaths
Panic stricken I fall to the ground
Letting the coolness of the tile calm me
I let out a shaking sob
Laying there I start to pray
Pray for the power to get through
The ablity to let go
To give him all my power
I sit up and take a deep breathe
Meditating until I'm able to continue on for the day.
Thankful I have a way to curb the mental breaks
Glad to have such a connection again

I spent part of the night watching old videos.
Some of them were of him and I.
I couldn't stop laughing.
I couldn't stop smiling.
I then listened to songs from last summer.
I sat there with my eyes closed.
Remembering all the different times they played.
I was smiling so much my face ached.
The memories were great.
Abit later I found myself standing there in silence.
Another memory popped in my head.
I ended up on the ground sobbing and hyper ventilating.
I couldn't handle it.
All I could think of was those words.
The one promise I never thought you'd break.
The one promise...
I guess I caused you to break
I promise I'll be here till the day you don't want to see my face.
I still want to see your face.
You're not here.
Some memories are torturous.

What has happened to all of us?
Our friendship use to mean something.
We weren't just friends.
We were family.
And now...
We're falling apart at the seems.
I miss what we use to be.
Can we all just go back?

These thoughts swirling through my mind, are slowly killing me inside.
These torturous and endless questions
Of whats right, and whats wrong
They slam through my brain
And are like a blade to my heart
Constantly opening wound after wound
Creating new, extending old
Till I feel empty
Where it feels like there's nothing left to me
But emptiness and sorrow

I’ve been in love before, that’s no secret.
I’ve felt love so intense I couldn’t fathom it ever ending.
Then you appeared.
I couldn’t get you out of my head.
Nothing about being with you, nothing about understanding you was simple and easy.
But every second talking to you, sitting next to you was more than simple and easy.
I’ve found so much peace inside myself.
So much love and happiness.
I’m happier than I’ve been in years.
That’s owed to you.
Your smile is my anchor.
I finally was able to stop the madness in my mind and just live.
And on the bad days I have you next to me, loving me, taking care of me when I need it.
Loving you is peaceful.
It’s like floating in still water.
We are so different.
Nothing about who we are on paper should work.
Yet, we do.
We work perfectly.
Through our differences you push me out of my comfort zone.
I’ve learned, evolved, and changed for the better.
You’re one of the best things to ever cross my path.
Because of that I think I’ll love you forever.

Holding back the tears,
I sit here shaking.
I take a deep breathe,
Holding back a sob.
My heart shattering,
As I yet again drive away from the only home I've ever known.
Leaving everything behind.
My friends,
My parents,
My aunts and uncles,
My cousins,
All the memories that this place holds.
I can't stand being away from this place.
Even though I spent years hating it here.
This is my home.
I know this town like the back of my hand.
Yet, I'm being forced to live 1,000 miles away.
I come back once a month,
But only for a weekend.
Never more.
It's not long enough though.
I never get to see all the people I want,
Or spend a great amount of time with those I do.
As hard as being home is,
As hard as all the temptation is,
And the cravings I get to throw away sobriety,
Being away from that place...
Kills me just as much,
If not more.
I'm homesick
And slowly going crazy from it.

I sit here silently
Letting the chatter of voices carry on
The tension growing inside me
As I sit here awkwardly
Sit here on my phone
I hate feeling this way
Out of place
Somewhere were every one knows each other
But nobody knows me
So they sit there talking
While I have nothing to say
The awkwardness is to much to handle
As I silently scream inside.

Somedays I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. I want to live in my dreams. That's why I hate waking up. I can hold you in my arms in that world. Where as here... Somebody else gets to have you. In my dreams I'm still happy and in love.
Here I'm struggling to live through the pain.

I never sleep.
Yet I'm never awake.
I'm always stuck with my head in my dreams.
Daydreaming that you could be here next to me.

Can't you tell I'm killing myself over here.
Killing myself in the stress.
Drowning as I try to reach your expectations.
You can't treat me like a teenager and expect me to meet the responsibilities and requirements of an adult.
I work my *** of for you but you don't ever see.
I go above and beyond.
Do everything you ask.
I'm starting to realize it's not worth it.
I can't **** myself for you.
I can only do the best of my ability and hope you see.
I have covered your *** so many times.
Covered everyone else more than I can count.
I'm always there.
Does that not count for anything.
If what I bring to the table is so worthless why do I push aside my priorities for this.
I have my own things to be accomplishing here.
My own goals to meet.
If I give you more than I have to give.
What will I have left at the end.
Nothing.
I'll be nothing.
I'm killing myself over here for nothing.
It's time I stop.
It's time I stop worrying about what you will think if I mess up and start worrying about what I need.
What I'm capable of.
What it is I can do.
Because isn't that the goal in life.
To do the best YOU can do.
I shouldn't have to be killing myself anymore for you.

There's something beautiful about reading a book series you never want to end.
A series in which you escape so deeply into the depths of, it is a though you are there.
As though that is the world in which you live.
You are experiencing that story,
Going down that journey they descend upon, with them.
You cry when there's sorrow.
You smile at all the joys.
It becomes a piece of who you are.
When the story's over...
When the last line is read,
The last page it turned,
And you are forced to leave that world you have so deeply pourded yourself into,
It is as though you are leaving a part of yourself into that book.
That story.
A part of you that spent hours lost from the reality around you.
As you lived a different life.
Lived in a different world.
Learned and had more experiences than one could imagaine.
As you went from living just your life,
being inside just your mind,
feeling just your emotions....
To living the lives of many.
Feeling for things that have never occurred.
And spending hours in the mind of another.
Until finally you read the last line.
Turn the last page.
Close the book for the final time.
And descend back into reality.
Becoming just you, once more.

I don't know how to write about what broke me.
And no, losing him wasn't it.
That part of my heartache is simple to write about.
It's nothing compared to the other.
I had a miscarriage...
And no I didn't want a kid.
But I would rather have triplets than the feeling of losing it engraved in my head.
I felt it happen.
I felt my body giving up on the life it was creating.
I felt all the life in it drain away.
I felt it dying.
And there was nothing I could do but lay there.
As the life from it drained away, the life in me did also.
I can't let go of how it felt to feel something I was creating....
Give up hope.
I've never been in more pain.
It has crippled me.
But yes...
Not having him to hold my hand.
Not having him to support me...
Has made it so much harder.
But truthfully...
I'd be fine if I had never had to feel that.

I feel broken again.
I'm crashing and crashing...
And I can't stop.
I have people who love and care about me.
Yet, I always feel alone.
Like I have no one to listen.
To hold me as I cry.
I'm just stuck by myself.
As my brain corrupts.
And my heart feels cracked.
I just pray to make it through.
Pray to not break all the way.
That some how...
I will get through!
And I won't feel as broken.
As crushed.
As I do right now

I recently have realized something.
I now understand why this has all been so hard.
It's not just that I'm heartbroken.
I'm mourning.
That's why I'm broken.
That's why I lost all ability to love.
That's why I cry constantly and always feel like I can't breathe.
That's why he never leaves my mind.
I'm grieving.
The person I love no longer exists.
There's not one trace of him in that now skinny body.
The man I fell for has vanished and is never coming back.
It's as though a new person inhabits that body and haunts me everywhere I go.
A new person has been given the voice that can make me melt with one syllable.
And my soulmate...
The greatest love of my life is no more.
I mourn his loss every single day.
I break down crying every single night.
He's all I write about,
All I draw about.
And nobody understands why.
None of them get why I am still so broken hearted.
And that is the thing...
I'm not.
I've never been simply just dealing with a broken heart.
I'm grieving the dissaperance of the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
And truthfully I don't think I'll ever stop.
Even if someday I fall inlove again,
Get married, and have kids.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life wishing for a man who no longer exists.
And can never come back.
My bestfriend.... Is as good as dead.

People come.
People go.
But it's the people that leave...
That never leave your mind.
They're the ones who haunt your mind,
Crush your heart,
And leave you feeling empty.
The people who stay help you mend.
But once one of them leave also...
All that pain comes back 10x stronger
And 10x stronger than that for the next.
Until you constantly just feel empty and alone.
Even when surrounded by ones you love.
You always just feel alone.
People come.
People go.
But that doesn't change the fact that it hurts.

This mental pain is so intense.
Its driving me insane.
I'm losing all control.
Falling back into old crutches.
It's everything I can do to keep distracted from it all.
Yet everytime I allow myself to think for just one second.
All the pain swarms back.
It hurts so much I can't help but scream.
The mental pain is agonizing.
It cripples me.
All I can do is cry and shake uncontrollably.
This pain is killing me.
It hurts so much I can literally feel it through my entire body.
I hide it the best I can.
But as soon as I'm alone all I can do is scream and hope nobody hears me.

They say the eyes are the windows to your soul and that is nothing but true.
Through someone’s eyes you can see it all.
The glare of anger.
A sparkle of happiness.
True surprise.
Intense sorrow.
And worst of all when you look into someone’s eyes and see nothing.
No emotions.
A blank slate.
An empty shell.
The eyes of someone filled with too many years of pain.
I’m tired of seeing those eyes in every mirror I turn to.

Here I am.
With the ocean out in front of me.
Watching the waves crash into the rocks.
Sun shining on my back.
Sand inbetween my toes.
A place most dream of going.
A place people vacation too.
Run towards to escape their everyday lives.
I live in a place of beauty.
As I watch this amazing scene most only see in movies.
My thoughts lay hundreds of miles away.
In the life I had this time last year.
If going back was possible,
I'd seize the opportunity without a second thought.
I don't know why this is all so hard.
All I do is write.
All I write about is him.
The boy I love doesn't even exist anymore.
Yet I spend all my time wishing to leave this island.
Wishing to go back to the time he did exist.
To this time last year when he was my bestfriend.
But I cant...
I'm just stuck with my thoughts in the past.
My dreams in a future I will never get.
Surronded by beauty I struggle to see.

All those nights together.
All the sun sets we sat and watched.
And the long talks we shared.
Staying up all night,
Till we saw the sun rise again.
Back when things were good.
When we were happy.
When we were never apart.
All those nights together.
The times that we shared.
Laughing,
Talking,
Kissing!
Just sitting there loving each others company!
All those nights that we shared.
Its sad that those times are now gone.
That things ended like they did.
I wonder if you too, Still think about those nights.

I love you the way I love a new book and paint covered hands.
I crave you the way I crave tea on a star filled night.
I need you the way I need to dance in the rain on a hot day.
I miss you more than anything I have to compare.

Breakdown after breakdown.
Oh god how I miss you.
How I miss what life use to be.
Back when I had him as my bestfriend.
Back when our family felt whole.
Back when I had love and happiness in my life.
I constantly find myself having random break downs.
Because I miss my friends.
I miss him.
I miss myself.
But he is gone.
I am still here hidden somewhere in here.
Until then I still have my friends.
I may be 1000 miles away.
Yet we are only a phone call apart.
My friends will keep me sane.
Keep me happy and smiling.
Make sure I feel loved until I can do that myself.
Because they're not my friends.
They're my family.
They're my brothers and sisters.
The only people I know I can count on in my lowest points.
In all my breakdowns, I miss them dearly.
Though I know they're still there.
And that's how I get through.
My family may feel broken.
But we will make it.
Because we may have chosen to enter one another's lives...
We now know we will never choose to leave it.

It's been a few days shy of a year sober.
Yet I'm dying right now to feel that burn on my throat.
It's been a month shy of a year clean.
Yet I'm dying to feel that blade slicing my skin.
It's almost been a year.
And what an amazing and happy year it's been.
Yet right now...
I can't see it.
I feel numb.
And I don't care about any of it.
I just want everything to disappear.
Because if you won't let me be with the love of my life.
If you are going to take me away from him yet again.
I don't want to feel anything.
Not unless he's there with me.

I spend half my year 1000miles away from home.
And in this moment...
No emotion beats how much I miss my family.
My friends.
My life.
Even just my bed.

I want to go back

I was told last night that I'm addictive.
As hard as you were trying to leave you couldn't let go.
Couldn't let go.
That's mind blowing to me.
Because everyone else has ran away.

I can't stop listing pro's and con's.
Positives and Negatives of death.
Con...
It will break your parents hearts.
Pro...
You won't keep disappointing everyone you love.
Con...
It will **** your friends.
Pro...
You won't have to be constantly remembering the lost of your baby.
Con...
Your beautiful little cousins.
Pro...
You won't have to constantly be around the person you hate the most... Yourself.
Con...
Your bestfriend
Con...
Everyone who believes in you.
Pro
I wont have to spend my life disabled by my illnesses
Con
Giving up a future
Pro
I won't have to remember all the pain of losing you.
Con...
The possibility of it hurting you to lose me.

All I can do is list pros and cons.
I want to be dead.
Just gone.
Disappear from myself and all my emotions.
Never exist again.
I just don't know if I can do that to my family, to my friends.
If I can break their hearts...
Just to escape mine.

I was once asked what life is and I responded with the simple statement of "I am hungry."
In the simplest terms life consists of us all running around "hungry".
We hunger not just for food to nourish our bodies.
We hunger for air to fill our lungs.
We hunger for fame and fortune,
For the life we believe we deserve.
Our hunger.
Our want and desire is was fuels us everyday.
It is what creates the life that surrounds us.
Everyone is starving for something.
Nobody will stop until they get there.
No matter the consequences to themselves or the domino effect of consequences it creates around them.