I act as though I'm okay.
That I'm okay with my life even though I lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time.
Go on walks till midnight.
Do everything I can to disappear.
I tell everyone I'm okay with what's going on even though I hate it.
Just because I don't want to start more fights.
I hate my life.
I'm miserable.
I just want to go back to Indiana.
I can't stand living here.
But I don't want to cause more problems.
I don't know what to do.
I just...
I don't know what to do.
I love my mother.
But I can't stand living here.

I made it.
I did it.
I'm so proud.
So happy.
So at peace in this moment
Because I did it.
I made it a year sober.
I made it over a year sober.
I never want to go back!
D.O.S 12/9/13 <3

I can literally play every single memory from our friendship through my mind.

I miss you so much!

I can't stop crying from how much it hurts to let all of this go.

You're my bestfriend! I miss your laughter mixing with mine.

But I know you want the goodbye...

I was told that over time it would get easier.
Yet...
With each day that passes I find it getting worse.

She hid from those who loved her.

She rebelled to the point of self destruction.

She was overtook by the sorrow and darkness.

She rebuilt herself out of the ashes.

She replaced the fear with patience.

The emptiness with love.

She replaced the anger with passion.

The sorrow with joy.

Some day I'm going to tell my kids about you.
I'm going to tell them about the boy who saved my life.
How you randomly messaged me on Facebook talking of dolphins, whales, and cyborgs.
I'm going to tell them how you were my bestfriend.
That I fell in love with you instantly and no body had ever made me happier.
I'm going to tell them about how you made me a better person.
How you taught me how to love myself by showing me how you saw me.
But I'm also going to tell them about how you broke me.
How you completely shattered me. That you crushed everything I was.
Took all the light from my life.
Made it impossible to breathe.
How I cried for months.
About how you turned into an unrecognizable person.
That I didn't get out of bed for weeks.

*And hopefully I'll be able to tell them that it got easier.
That overtime I started being able to sleep and eat.
That you stopped being the only thing on my mind.
That I slowly learned how to breathe again.

Can I just have you back now?
Could it be how it use to be?
I'm going crazy over here.
I can't stop missing you.
Missing how it use to be.
I miss those long conversations.
Being able to always call you mine.
Knowing I always had someone here for me.
When I truly needed someone.
So please?
Can we go back in time?
To the time when you were only mine.

But that's the thing...
The world isn't beautiful.
The world is dark and scary.
It is ugly and corrupting.
Picture perfect images hiding the mountains of sin and turmoil.
Picture perfect images hiding the truth all are to afraid to see.
We all think we know what beauty is.
We all think we've seen it.
Though few truly know what it is.
Because beauty...
Is hidden even beyond the deepest parts of the darkness.
So tell me.
Can you see the beauty in the darkness.

We spoke today.
First time since April.
You gave me a ride.
It was weird.
Awkward yet Comfortable.
We spoke on and off the entire time.
We were even laughing.
It was weird.
A good weird.
Simply because now I know.
Now I know I'm over you.
Simply speaking to you...
It gave me the closure I haven't been able to posses.
The closure I've craved for this past year.
So thanks for the ride babe.
But mostly...
Thanks for my new found freedom.
I'll always love you.
But now I'm positive that I don't want you.

You told me that I was "perfect".
That I am cute,
beautiful,
hot,
****,
gorgeous,
and more.
You told me and I quote...
"You have big *****,
a great ***,
**** legs,
an amazing torso,
and are beautiful."
You respected me and that I wasn't okay with certain things.
And told me I was worth the wait.
You told me I was a super genius.
You constantly told me that I am amazing.
And that you didn't understand how somebody like me....
Would go for somebody like you.
And yet you're the one who dumps me...
You told me that you had fallen for me!
That you had "hit the ground"
But yet you broke up with me for her...
Your ex girlfriend who you then tell me that you still really really love!!
That there is just something about her!!
You say that I am "perfect" and yet you chose her...
Little did you know that I hate compliments!
I hate them with a burning passion!
Because they are all I have heard my entire life,
Whenever people want something from me.
And they confuse the **** out of me!
Because I don't see myself that way...
And I never have.
I don't believe that I am smart...
But its be proven to me so many times I can't argue anymore.
I don't believe that I am pretty.
But I have been told so many times that I can't argue anymore.
And I especially don't believe I am "amazing"
No matter how many times people tell me otherwise.
I have the lowest self-esteem for somebody who is "perfect"
But why wouldn't I!!
Even though you say I'm "perfect" you still chose her...
Emotions always beat you no matter how "amazing" you are.
Unfortunately emotions are what I lack in...
How can somebody be "perfect" if they can't feel anything!
So I guess it makes sense that you picked her...
She can actually share her feelings with you,
Unlike me.
I understand though what its like to love somebody...
How there can just be something about that person that you adore.
But I let go of ever being back with the guy I felt that way about,
I let go when I started talking to you!
And you didn't let go of her...
It makes me wonder....
How amazing she is, to win you over the girl who everyone
Not just you tells that she is "perfect"
Like I said I have the lowest self esteem for somebody who is "perfect".....
And one day I hope to understand why...
To understand whats so wrong with me that nobody ever truly falls in love with me!
I really just needed to get all of this out of my system.... I am happy, that you are happy Parker! Or I would be happy if I had that emotion.... And as your best friend I do hope that everything works out between you too!

Winters coming beware.
With every beautiful snowfall and toasty blanket to curl up with comes something to fear.
Winter brings darkness.
You become filled with depression and despair.
Life turns upside down as the new year is about to begin.
Tears get shed and hearts get broken as people try to make themselves anew.
Mistakes get made.
Pain gets spread.
All as winter comes.
Fate having its last evil spree before the warmth and sunshine coming back to play.
Beware of winter.
I'd suggest you flee.
Then maybe there will be some survivors.
I'll be back when the flowers begin to bloom once more.

I can't breathe
I can't think
I can't eat
I can't sleep
All hope
All faith
All dreams
All emotion
All pain
Is gone from me
I don't feel anymore
I don't believe anything anymore
I'm just an empty shell if you will
An empty shell with a brain
I can see you
hear you
touch you
taste you
but none of it seems real
I walk through life day by day
Just going through the motions
Trying
Trying just to fit in
To pretend
To live
To care
Hoping no one can see my pain
How much it kills me to try
Each and every day
Just hoping to feel something again...

I'm laying on the ground.
No singular thought to be found inside the chaos of my mind.
I'm laying here with my favorite song on repeat.
I'm laying here in wait.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be with the shooting stars.
I begin to make my journey to the sky.
Yet, someone's in my path.
Death is standing infront of me laughing.
"It's not your time foolish girl. You may be ready... But I'm not. Now wait."

Pounding heart
Spinning mind
Vibrating body
Words upon words flowing from my mouth
Getting dizzy from the anxiety
Why must I never stop speaking
Say the wrong thing
In the wrong moment
At the wrong time
Embarrassing myself with every syllable
Talking faster and faster with every second
The flow of words never ending
Till the agony of embarrassment halts me

It happened again last night.
I was outside.
The stars searing through the sky.
On the verge of tears.
Missing him.
Wishing for my baby.
The family I almost possessed.
On the verge of tears.
Thoughts pounding through my head.
Getting lower and lower by the second.
Until it happened.
A shooting star spread through the sky.
Just like that one time before.
Telling me that it will all be okay.
To smile and wish.
Not fall apart in the past.

Your mouth pressed against mine.
Our bodys complexly intertwined
As our hands scarcely explore the uncharted territory of each other
The ****** desire filling one anothers eyes
As we slowly start losing clothing,
And the rest of the world completely fades away,
With only each other on our minds.
My breathing becomes heavier
I can feel your heart beat against my bare skin,
It's fluttering just as fast as mine.
As we slowly become one.
Like puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together

I'm that girl
The one who everyone goes to.
Who gives everyone the perfect advice,
Right when they need it.
Who can solve any and everyone's problems.
Who is there for anybody whenever they need me.
But who's own life and relationships are complete hell.
I can fix everyone else's problems but I can't fix my own.
It ***** being that girl...
Knowing that you helped the people,
around you get to where they are.
That you helped them all become happy.
Watched them escape from the mental hell they were in.
But not being able to do that for yourself.

Can't you tell I'm killing myself over here.
Killing myself in the stress.
Drowning as I try to reach your expectations.
You can't treat me like a teenager and expect me to meet the responsibilities and requirements of an adult.
I work my *** of for you but you don't ever see.
I go above and beyond.
Do everything you ask.
I'm starting to realize it's not worth it.
I can't **** myself for you.
I can only do the best of my ability and hope you see.
I have covered your *** so many times.
Covered everyone else more than I can count.
I'm always there.
Does that not count for anything.
If what I bring to the table is so worthless why do I push aside my priorities for this.
I have my own things to be accomplishing here.
My own goals to meet.
If I give you more than I have to give.
What will I have left at the end.
Nothing.
I'll be nothing.
I'm killing myself over here for nothing.
It's time I stop.
It's time I stop worrying about what you will think if I mess up and start worrying about what I need.
What I'm capable of.
What it is I can do.
Because isn't that the goal in life.
To do the best YOU can do.
I shouldn't have to be killing myself anymore for you.

When you spend so much time with fake smiles being displayed...
The real smiles begin to look like the fake ones.
That's the truly sad part about life.

I feel broken again.
I'm crashing and crashing...
And I can't stop.
I have people who love and care about me.
Yet, I always feel alone.
Like I have no one to listen.
To hold me as I cry.
I'm just stuck by myself.
As my brain corrupts.
And my heart feels cracked.
I just pray to make it through.
Pray to not break all the way.
That some how...
I will get through!
And I won't feel as broken.
As crushed.
As I do right now

You weren't just my boyfriend.
You weren't just my lover.
You were my bestfriend.
Through the hardest year of my life,
You stayed by me and held my hand.
And now.....
You're done with me.
On top of everything else going on.
I lost you.
My bestfriend.
And that's killing me so deeply inside

Who am I?
Do you see me as I see you.
I can't tell who I am.
I'm lost.
Where have I gone.
Who have I become.
Am I the person I use to be before.
Or am I a completely different being.
Am I a mixture of the both.
I'm unsure.
I see you.
I see all of you for who you are.
Yet I can't see myself.
Do you see me.
Will you tell me who I have become.
Am I an author.
A poet.
A painter.
Am I smart.
Or beautiful.
Am I sweet.
Rebellious.
A mixture of all combined.
Who have I become.
Can you tell.
I've become blinded and can't see.
Who am I?

You say that I'm your dream girl.
I the girl of imperfection.
The girl full of sorrow.
To broken to love.
How do you not see how fragmented I am.
To be with me is to walk on broken glass.
I'm destructive.
I will cut you to pieces along with myself.
As I did to the man before.
If not for me...
He would not have been destroyed.
Do not let me destroy you.
Let me warn you.
I have a pretty face.
I have a sweet, caring attitude.
Yet, the inside is scarred and scary.
On the inside I am destruction in its whole.
Let go of me.
For fear I will break you too.

It's four am.
The room is black except for the startling light coming from the TV.
Netflix playing one episode after another.
It's four am.
I'm wide awake.
Why am I wide awake?
No, wait...
I know why.
It's because my brain is on overdrive.
It's four am.
And like every other hour of the day...
Memories are  haunting me.

Standing in the midst of the ocean.
Enchanted by the beauty surrounding me.
Youre the only other thing on my mind.
The beauty of your smile.
The blue, green of your eyes.
Is the only thing that compares to this.
The cool feel of the waves crashing into my skin.
Is the most magnificent thing I have felt.
Yet, one touch from you...
Makes an unbeatable fire course through me.
In this moment.
I can't imagaine how one single thing.
The most beautiful thing.
Could beat how I see you.

I spent part of the night watching old videos.
Some of them were of him and I.
I couldn't stop laughing.
I couldn't stop smiling.
I then listened to songs from last summer.
I sat there with my eyes closed.
Remembering all the different times they played.
I was smiling so much my face ached.
The memories were great.
Abit later I found myself standing there in silence.
Another memory popped in my head.
I ended up on the ground sobbing and hyper ventilating.
I couldn't handle it.
All I could think of was those words.
The one promise I never thought you'd break.
The one promise...
I guess I caused you to break
I promise I'll be here till the day you don't want to see my face.
I still want to see your face.
You're not here.
Some memories are torturous.

I love you the way I love a new book and paint covered hands.
I crave you the way I crave tea on a star filled night.
I need you the way I need to dance in the rain on a hot day.
I miss you more than anything I have to compare.

I'm sorry but I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Having emotions again...
Opening myself back up to those around me.
It's too hard.
It's too painful.
I'm not use to everyday emotions.
Getting sad, angry, or stressed over the small things.
I can't handle it.
I want to go back.
Back to suppressing it all.
Being emotionless and cold.
Distant from those I love.
It was easier.
Miserable but easier.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying but I want to give up.
If you notice me disappear again.
Start talking less...
Well I'm sorry.
I tried for you.
I guess you were wrong though, I'm not strong enough.

It is in my opinion that moments are fleeting. Days are spent attempting to find that one perfect moment. Twenty seconds of perfection before the moment ends and becomes nothing more than an undying memory. A memory that causes you to smile instantaneously.

What has happened to all of us?
Our friendship use to mean something.
We weren't just friends.
We were family.
And now...
We're falling apart at the seems.
I miss what we use to be.
Can we all just go back?

I didn't expect to fall in love with you.
Yet here I am madly inlove.
And falling more and more each day,
Falling for your smile.
Your awkwardness
How dorky you can be.
Falling inlove with the feel of your arms around me.
I espically never thought I could fall for you even more than I have.
But here we are
With me falling even more every day I spend with you.
I love you more than I thought possible.
And it's a love I know will never end.
Never fade away.
Just grow until we believe it can't grow anymore.
Yet watch as it still will continue to do so.

I was told last night that I'm addictive.
As hard as you were trying to leave you couldn't let go.
Couldn't let go.
That's mind blowing to me.
Because everyone else has ran away.

I'm struggling to find the words to say to describe how I feel.
Do I write another love poem about how happy and peaceful I feel.
Do I write another poem about how scared happiness makes me.
Do I write about emotions I use to feel when my mind was dark and shattered.
Back when my poetry was at its height.
When the words came without a thought and I could write 20 poems in a night.
Broken hearts and tormented minds create such beautiful lines.
Now I understand why the best artists are always driven with pain.
It makes me wish I was still driven with pain.
How sick does one have to be to think this way.
To wish that someone could break my heart so I can write just one more beautiful line.

Here I am.
With the ocean out in front of me.
Watching the waves crash into the rocks.
Sun shining on my back.
Sand inbetween my toes.
A place most dream of going.
A place people vacation too.
Run towards to escape their everyday lives.
I live in a place of beauty.
As I watch this amazing scene most only see in movies.
My thoughts lay hundreds of miles away.
In the life I had this time last year.
If going back was possible,
I'd seize the opportunity without a second thought.
I don't know why this is all so hard.
All I do is write.
All I write about is him.
The boy I love doesn't even exist anymore.
Yet I spend all my time wishing to leave this island.
Wishing to go back to the time he did exist.
To this time last year when he was my bestfriend.
But I cant...
I'm just stuck with my thoughts in the past.
My dreams in a future I will never get.
Surronded by beauty I struggle to see.

This mental pain is so intense.
Its driving me insane.
I'm losing all control.
Falling back into old crutches.
It's everything I can do to keep distracted from it all.
Yet everytime I allow myself to think for just one second.
All the pain swarms back.
It hurts so much I can't help but scream.
The mental pain is agonizing.
It cripples me.
All I can do is cry and shake uncontrollably.
This pain is killing me.
It hurts so much I can literally feel it through my entire body.
I hide it the best I can.
But as soon as I'm alone all I can do is scream and hope nobody hears me.

I found another chance at life.
A chance to start new and be happy.
I ran into the chance head first.
Knowing the likely hood of crashing was far higher.
Yet here I am.
Smiling my days away.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

Do you remember the night where for a minute you forgot we weren't dating.
Months after we broke up.
And now...
You hate me.
If I could go back in time,
The one thing I would change is us...
I would have saved us.
I would have never ruined us.
I would never done what caused you to hate me.
I use to have no regrets.
Now I constantly regret us.
Regret how we ended.
Regret that I was to stuck in my head to see what happened.
I would have saved us.
Saved not just our relationship...
But our friendship.
Which has always been the most important thing to me.

Somedays I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. I want to live in my dreams. That's why I hate waking up. I can hold you in my arms in that world. Where as here... Somebody else gets to have you. In my dreams I'm still happy and in love.
Here I'm struggling to live through the pain.

All those nights together.
All the sun sets we sat and watched.
And the long talks we shared.
Staying up all night,
Till we saw the sun rise again.
Back when things were good.
When we were happy.
When we were never apart.
All those nights together.
The times that we shared.
Laughing,
Talking,
Kissing!
Just sitting there loving each others company!
All those nights that we shared.
Its sad that those times are now gone.
That things ended like they did.
I wonder if you too, Still think about those nights.

There's this girl who want to be with me.
And I use to want to be with her so badly.
There's this guy who is inlove with me and wants a second chance.
I use to want a new chance with him so much.
There's all these people I am finding.
That just want to be with me.
Who I would be with.
Yet...
Because of him.
I can't.
I never will.
My heart still belongs to him.
Why won't this madness end.
Why must I still love him.
Does true love actually exist.
Or am I eternally ******* by heartbreak.

These thoughts swirling through my mind, are slowly killing me inside.
These torturous and endless questions
Of whats right, and whats wrong
They slam through my brain
And are like a blade to my heart
Constantly opening wound after wound
Creating new, extending old
Till I feel empty
Where it feels like there's nothing left to me
But emptiness and sorrow

I never sleep.
Yet I'm never awake.
I'm always stuck with my head in my dreams.
Daydreaming that you could be here next to me.

I recently have realized something.
I now understand why this has all been so hard.
It's not just that I'm heartbroken.
I'm mourning.
That's why I'm broken.
That's why I lost all ability to love.
That's why I cry constantly and always feel like I can't breathe.
That's why he never leaves my mind.
I'm grieving.
The person I love no longer exists.
There's not one trace of him in that now skinny body.
The man I fell for has vanished and is never coming back.
It's as though a new person inhabits that body and haunts me everywhere I go.
A new person has been given the voice that can make me melt with one syllable.
And my soulmate...
The greatest love of my life is no more.
I mourn his loss every single day.
I break down crying every single night.
He's all I write about,
All I draw about.
And nobody understands why.
None of them get why I am still so broken hearted.
And that is the thing...
I'm not.
I've never been simply just dealing with a broken heart.
I'm grieving the dissaperance of the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
And truthfully I don't think I'll ever stop.
Even if someday I fall inlove again,
Get married, and have kids.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life wishing for a man who no longer exists.
And can never come back.
My bestfriend.... Is as good as dead.

I can't stop listing pro's and con's.
Positives and Negatives of death.
Con...
It will break your parents hearts.
Pro...
You won't keep disappointing everyone you love.
Con...
It will **** your friends.
Pro...
You won't have to be constantly remembering the lost of your baby.
Con...
Your beautiful little cousins.
Pro...
You won't have to constantly be around the person you hate the most... Yourself.
Con...
Your bestfriend
Con...
Everyone who believes in you.
Pro
I wont have to spend my life disabled by my illnesses
Con
Giving up a future
Pro
I won't have to remember all the pain of losing you.
Con...
The possibility of it hurting you to lose me.

All I can do is list pros and cons.
I want to be dead.
Just gone.
Disappear from myself and all my emotions.
Never exist again.
I just don't know if I can do that to my family, to my friends.
If I can break their hearts...
Just to escape mine.

Holding back the tears,
I sit here shaking.
I take a deep breathe,
Holding back a sob.
My heart shattering,
As I yet again drive away from the only home I've ever known.
Leaving everything behind.
My friends,
My parents,
My aunts and uncles,
My cousins,
All the memories that this place holds.
I can't stand being away from this place.
Even though I spent years hating it here.
This is my home.
I know this town like the back of my hand.
Yet, I'm being forced to live 1,000 miles away.
I come back once a month,
But only for a weekend.
Never more.
It's not long enough though.
I never get to see all the people I want,
Or spend a great amount of time with those I do.
As hard as being home is,
As hard as all the temptation is,
And the cravings I get to throw away sobriety,
Being away from that place...
Kills me just as much,
If not more.
I'm homesick
And slowly going crazy from it.

I don't know how to write about what broke me.
And no, losing him wasn't it.
That part of my heartache is simple to write about.
It's nothing compared to the other.
I had a miscarriage...
And no I didn't want a kid.
But I would rather have triplets than the feeling of losing it engraved in my head.
I felt it happen.
I felt my body giving up on the life it was creating.
I felt all the life in it drain away.
I felt it dying.
And there was nothing I could do but lay there.
As the life from it drained away, the life in me did also.
I can't let go of how it felt to feel something I was creating....
Give up hope.
I've never been in more pain.
It has crippled me.
But yes...
Not having him to hold my hand.
Not having him to support me...
Has made it so much harder.
But truthfully...
I'd be fine if I had never had to feel that.

I sit here silently
Letting the chatter of voices carry on
The tension growing inside me
As I sit here awkwardly
Sit here on my phone
I hate feeling this way
Out of place
Somewhere were every one knows each other
But nobody knows me
So they sit there talking
While I have nothing to say
The awkwardness is to much to handle
As I silently scream inside.

Breakdown after breakdown.
Oh god how I miss you.
How I miss what life use to be.
Back when I had him as my bestfriend.
Back when our family felt whole.
Back when I had love and happiness in my life.
I constantly find myself having random break downs.
Because I miss my friends.
I miss him.
I miss myself.
But he is gone.
I am still here hidden somewhere in here.
Until then I still have my friends.
I may be 1000 miles away.
Yet we are only a phone call apart.
My friends will keep me sane.
Keep me happy and smiling.
Make sure I feel loved until I can do that myself.
Because they're not my friends.
They're my family.
They're my brothers and sisters.
The only people I know I can count on in my lowest points.
In all my breakdowns, I miss them dearly.
Though I know they're still there.
And that's how I get through.
My family may feel broken.
But we will make it.
Because we may have chosen to enter one another's lives...
We now know we will never choose to leave it.

There's something beautiful about reading a book series you never want to end.
A series in which you escape so deeply into the depths of, it is a though you are there.
As though that is the world in which you live.
You are experiencing that story,
Going down that journey they descend upon, with them.
You cry when there's sorrow.
You smile at all the joys.
It becomes a piece of who you are.
When the story's over...
When the last line is read,
The last page it turned,
And you are forced to leave that world you have so deeply pourded yourself into,
It is as though you are leaving a part of yourself into that book.
That story.
A part of you that spent hours lost from the reality around you.
As you lived a different life.
Lived in a different world.
Learned and had more experiences than one could imagaine.
As you went from living just your life,
being inside just your mind,
feeling just your emotions....
To living the lives of many.
Feeling for things that have never occurred.
And spending hours in the mind of another.
Until finally you read the last line.
Turn the last page.
Close the book for the final time.
And descend back into reality.
Becoming just you, once more.