I've been listening to the same song on repeat
feeling how ***** my teeth are
and instinctively pointing my aching feet to the wall
sniffling with sickness and sneezing with crap
you still kiss me like I'm your supermodel.

I'm done! Overdone! BURNT TO A CRISP!

I am so sick of people looking THROUGH ME!
I spend all day…every single day… attending to the needs of others! Work demands...there's always a fire to put out, 250 people to deal with, each having his/her own special 'need' or demand that must be met, no matter what.

"Nita, I need this information now!"

"Nita, they don't understand, they take advantage of me, I need your support."

"Nita, I realize this isn't much time, but can you pull this together by Friday?"

"Nita, I understand they made a mistake, but can you just correct it?"

"Nita, can you please do 'this' for me, my child is sick, I received some bad news, I just need a favor, you're the 'favorite' - he listens to you....." and on and on and on...

Then home demands...get the kids up, clean the house, do the laundry…and on and on it goes…

After work: dinner, walk and feed the dog, do the dishes…and on and on it goes…

"Mom, can I have some ketchup."

"Mom, can I have some more milk."

"Mom, can you help me find my toothbrush"

"mom, can you...mom, can you...mom, can you..."

Friends need consoling, flowers need watering, dog needs petting, kids need tucked in, husband needs attention...I need a DRINK!

No one ever asks how "Nita" is doing.

No one says, "How was your day, Nita?"

No one says, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Just ignore me, as though I'm no longer here.

Dear husband goes to bed, falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, while I stay up, take ativan after ativan...wash down with a glass or two of wine...just pray for it to END! All of it!

My chest is constricted, my breathing is shallow - I HURT ALL OVER! I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. Does anyone even notice? No...

Last night, took pills, tried to **** the pain, the voices, the hopelessness...I picked up yet another glass of wine, looked at it and a fleeting thought told me that I probably shouldn't drink it - that I had taken too many ativan, that it probably wouldn't be good...but I didn't even care. I just needed PEACE & QUIET!

From the outside world, and the inside turmoil. I woke up at 3am, outside on the swing...did anyone come to check on Nita? No - because no one cares, that's why.

I've known since I was 5 years old that I was born to serve others. My needs don't matter...most days I try to forget that I even have needs. Of course, thank you therapist for reminding me that it's "okay" to feel, and to have needs…because that actually hurts even worse! Actually feeling "needy" for a minute but no one gives a ****!

I want to disappear. I want to cease to exist. I want OUT of this "Contract"...I need to know what the rights of termination are!

Because I'm DONE!

FINISHED!

Je suis fait!

Sono Fatto!

Estoy hecho!

Ich bin fertig!

and...in the white trash language I grew up with:
F$%K IT! I'm finished!

It doesn't even matter anymore…In fact, it never did!

I never mattered, I am worth nothing....that's the way it's always been, that's the way it is now, and how it will always be...if there's nothing to look forward to in the future, but more of the same, I say, why bother?

No one would notice my absence....well, until they needed something.

There's no "life worth living"! It doesn't exist! Face it, Nita, your father f$%ked you up beyond repair! Throw me out with last week's leftovers! I can't do it anymore!

Sat on the sand with my life in the palm of my hand and in the other a razer,at times being the star gazer is not nearly enough,not when you feel that things are cutting up rough,
but the blade is the ***** that will dig you a pit,why sit on the sand when you can be a part of the land?
You and your left hand with the right one not knowing if you're coming or going and the razer,
the razer like a laser light will cut you a piece of the night and there'll be no return,what you plan to do,you don't learn,
you're a fail,go back to the start again,it's your chance to begin again and feel more pain
or cut.

We started talking again
and I thought
"maybe we can finally just be friends again"
but
once again
we started being how we were before
you started being the most you
and I stopped ..
          stopped lying to myself
by putting words into my mouth that my
mind would say
        not my heart
I laughed
and said
"I can never just be friends with you"

j.f

I still remember
when you first kissed me
and said "I'm scared, why did I do that" with blushing cheeks
but few seconds later you did it again
smiled slowly
put your head down
then finally said
"promise me that even if we kiss 5 billion times it won't ruin our friendship"
I said
        "I promise"
but after 5 billion kisses passed I wish you said infinite kisses
so you        and         I
can still be friends

j.f

You fixed me
when I brok
                      e
took all the pain away
saved me from drowning

you also broke me
and all the pain came flooding back
but I didn't know how to swim
and this time you didn't come to save me

j.f

I breathe you in slowly, attempting to grasp this moment to its fullest extent.
Your skin smells like home, and you know that I know,
I don’t ever want it to end.
Your eyes say that you’re in love, and your smile says it too,
And when your glance meets mine, I know that the feeling is true.
You are sad and you’re scared and you can’t understand,
That I am too.
But when our worlds collide and your eyes meet mine,
You won’t want it to end.
Your voice is like heaven your heart is like mine,
Beating faster and faster as my hand passes by.
And the hours turn to minutes and your face meets mine,
And you understand we don’t want this to end.
Our bodies connect and suddenly we are complex,
Figures just balanced in time.
And when the end is the end,
And your thoughts suspend,
Understand that you’ll always be mine.
Your heart is a cave I have buried myself in, and darling,
I don’t want this to end.

Insanity corrupts the mind of society.
As children lose their tempers and grow up too quickly,
And adults **** their last chance of tranquility.
The structures grow larger and the brain knows more,
And the sun grows hotter through the atmosphere's pores.
Growth and death suddenly coexist,
As your god crosses names off his Christmas list.
Your judgment defines you,
And your world deprives you,
2013 you merely exist.

Sometimes I look at you and wonder if you actually like me.
Your eyes are bright and full of hope, yet there is still mystery in your gaze.
Life is much similar, giving us false glimpses of hope, only to fail us later with deception.
I fear someday too, that you will fail me, but for now I must have blind faith.

The rain pours down on an early fall day;
Summer is weeping before her departure, it seems.
I envy the seasons, and how they can come and go with such ease.
As if they are sick of Earth, and wish to go for a bit.
If I were Autumn, with her brisk attitude, and carefree lifestyle,
I wonder if maybe you would come to appreciate me more.

At times, I look at the rain and ponder if it comes to cleans us of our doubts.
If maybe it was summoned just to tell us, "Your fears are no more,"
And then I realize weather does not have personification,
Nor do eyes contain mystery, only expression,
And that you must like me, or else you wouldn't be here.
I suppose rain maybe does cleans our fears a bit more than we realize.