you fall in love
with the way your fingers
run through
my tangled hair

you fall in love
with how the skin
against my jaw
feels against your thumb
when you turn me
to face you

you fall in love
with the green
of my eyes-
like the sea
when it's lonely-
with the grey of my eyes-
like the sky
before it cries-
with the blue-
the second colour
of my every bruise

you fall in love
with the mystery
hidden behind
pale lips-
slowly
like the way you smile

you fall in love
with the shape of my legs
and plane
of my stomach-
i often
say no
thank you
(i am starving)

you fall in love
with my mind
like a puzzle
you can't get enough  of
(when you eventually
put me together
you will find
a piece
missing)

you fall in love
with my heart
kind words
flowing like a river
warm
like the sun in winter

you fall in love
with my thirst
for words

will you be there
when i comb the knots
out of my hair?

will you be there
when my jaw
is too obstinate
to move?

will you be there
when my eyes are closed
(or can't)
or when they act
like a thunderstorm
in summer?

will you be there
when you've gotten up
after falling
quickly?

will you be there
when i can't move
or after i say
yes
again?

will you be there
after the puzzle
becomes shuffled?

will you be there
when my heart
freezes over
for a day
and nothing
(anger
if anything)
and covers
my moving
river?

say no
so that
you mean yes

k.d

Somewhere it is 1942 and Grandfather is alone
in uniformed dark hair, flying over mountain ranges
that look more like steep moonlight than anything else.  

Today the sun is sharp and pronounced.
Today the car is warm as wrinkled skin.

I come close to crashing five times, thinking about
Grandfather’s cool bald spot and about the time
he took me for ice cream. Three years old
and he told me about money and afterwards
Father yelled at him while I played with blue chalk.

Two years later Father watches his father’s ashes dangle
into the Hudson River and two years after that
I see a puppet with the same bald spot as Grandfather’s. I tell Mother
that they are now making puppets out of the dead
and Mother just smiles down at my short body.

That night I dream of underwater graveyards and puppet shows.

i want to be something
that seeks nothing
from you
from your eyes that stare
into every night
past my doubts and cynicism
from your hands
in which i have loved
the stalling ways they have touched me
haunting me instantly

i want to be someone
who asks me nothing
of you
no guilt for never calling back
no fear of what you have planned next
wholly consumed in the moments you give
to me
with expecting nothing
next or later or then

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks

seven hells, man!
i was just getting started,
you **** fool!
do you know what that means?
i walk around with
scandalous thoughts of you
a perfectly innocent look on my face
the inside of my lip raw
i had ideas,
you jack ***!
...waiting for boldness to overwhelm me
...waiting for the spring air
    to come in my window and
      make me wild
you deserve a good slap
if you deserve anything at all,
devil above me
devil behind me
devil below me

-the raindrops remind me of waking up on 4th of July feeling lonely.
-my sheets whisper your name everytime i dare to move. i ache.
-my last text from you was 8.12.13
-You are beautiful. and i am sad. We will never work out.
-sometimes i wear red lipstick to see my psychiatrist. I just want to feel strong.
-i sleep for 14 hours and wake up tired.
-the ghosts in my room tug on my curls. they remind me of You.
-i feel tainted.
-oh god, oh god, oh god.
-whilst i sleep the waves rush over my head. i feel peace.
-there have been bugs in my veins since the last time we slept together.
-i am nothing, i am nothing, i am nothing.
-i have been using clever words so You will think i still have a brain.
-i sit in the bath until it turns grey to remind myself that i am dirt.
-i can not be a self love poem.
-You left me drunk and naked everytime.
-i am the beginning of a long, cold winter.
-i am a snowflake amongst sunflowers and children playing.
-Pain. Pain. Pain.
-the ringing in my ears has gotten louder since You said You missed me.
-i will never be Sylvia Plath.
-these walls scream out my secrets.
-i would like to be naked Polaroids and cocktails
but i am £2.31 white wine and ugly obscenities.
-i am an increase of prozac.
-You always mentioned your hate for winter.
-i will crave you for eternity.
-the earth will tremble like my voice. hands. eyes.
-this rain will last forever.