Thinking about pizza as I'm here
it's warm with the ovens going
the order has been placed
i sit and wait
and wait
and wait
no time erased, only 1 minute elapsed
I feel like I'm swimming laps
in a tomato sauce pool
with black olives for floaties
the sauce is well past my knees
so hungry
and desperate
just to get a slice
of this great American pizza pie
it makes my heart swell
my eyes not dry
i'm gonna get eat pizza until i die

and if there comes a day
when they say no more pizza no way
your stomach can't handle it
your intestines will flare
i'll say i don't care
pull the trigger in my underwear
crime scene investigates
saw it on the news
a man covered in pizza
and bottles of *****
they couldn't get in the door was unlocked
a wall full of pizza boxes had the entry fully blocked
but deeper inside was a man no one knew
cheese oozing under the doorway cracks like glue

i'm still here waiting for pizza
no more imaginary trap
i look at my watch
the tenth minute elapsed
the lifeguard gets out
he's done with his swim
his whistle blows
everybody back in
the pizza is ready
time to dive in

Poetry and *******
to stay in the same frame
of mind
try to advance
in time
and wonder how I'd feel
if things were no longer real
and didn't matter

Prayers and wishes, are what get you through, healing souls, long or short talks, laughs, distractions, interactions, with new people, that you'll meet, and make you forget, but it slips in, you think, on accident, about something, and you know what it is, and you don't even let it get that far in your mind.

It's like the images are disappearing, the memories fading, and you are growing into a new human being that you never thought you'd be. But it's still the same old you. Just doing what you do, consistently. Writing in this blog, and typing poetic things about human beings that hurt feelings, and make things happy and joyous and so very blissful, trist filled, adventures, and late night writes because I couldn't help but stay awake at night, in excite.

Ah yes, the days that I miss, not really, I was so in bliss, now out, realize, that it's so hard to do that, those things, and enjoy so much, when the reality it brings is only suffering. Love lose live again and all that **** over and over, another fallen soldier, or a flower bloomed, planet spinning faster than before, volcanoes ready to explode, and all sorts of feelings inside, that I want to bring into the world, as the me who has been transformed by love.

i got pulled over tonight
i wasnt driving
guess the drivers color
race
or origin
and you will win
a free trip to prison
nah, that's not where we went
but it was something they wanted to do
put us behind the bars
they said they saw 3 cars
one was the leader one was middle and one was third
they put on their lights
my stomach chirped like a bird
each one of us out
one by one
first the id's
then out the car
lined up in front of the police car
padded down
searched
you smell like ****
have you been smoking **** today?
yes
i have been smoking **** today
when
silence
and then they move on to other questions
full search
pockets emptied
jacket
pants
inside jacket pocket
both sides
spread em wide
haha
but still i smile
he doesnt know
the truth behind
where it is
or what he smells
it's a smell of smoke
a tease
something that he will never find
no matter how hard he tries
he will never know
that this whole time
it was in my *******

hurts to be alive
feelings floating around
rejected
feeling stupid
all over the place
anytime your heart is invested
how does it get tested
again
if it already knows
what isn't real
does it find something else
to convince them
that it's beyond *** appeal
and flash
it's not just the pan
it's the grill
the charcoal
everything else is extra
to make the fire start
you have the matches
she's got the kerosene
i know it's harrowing
to allow oneself
to get inside the barrel
float down the current
off the waterfall
you can't call
the shots
like a gun pop
down your throat
through your spine
but it's nothing to worry about
just read your lines

all the time
i'm feelin
sensitive as ****
like i'm hurt
trying to come up with something
that's gonna clear my pain
and make it go away
but some part of me
wants it to stay
so i can use it
to spray
the hottest ****
ever did
i want the world to know
how i feel
i want them to feel
my pain
and when i possess that
i will reign

Before we do
there is one rule
between me and you
you aren't right for me
I'm not right for you
if feelings we shall choose
we're going to sing the blues
it might leave a bruise

the silence
the distance
they wanna see things through
somehow
some way
they want to see it through
let that pain fade

blocked out of life
family
the stain

for real
i feel silence even when it's on the internet
conversations with a cousin that I feel like I never met
cuz she wasn't there
and she said no
and now it's like hey here I am again
but where'd you go

I don't understand it why people have conflict
and silence
and people choose to go separate ways
to avoid domestic violence
I'm the only baby crying
not understanding
why there's no planning
why it's not working

what do you say
to a person who just flew away
now they're back
on the other line
and you're trying to figure out
why

what's the point
do you have an agenda
are you trying to make a means
to all that we ended
to the separation
why it happened
why we left each other
son, daughter, girlfriend, boyfriend, brother, sister
husband wife
all i see is strife

but there's another way
that's all I can say
that's the only explanation
**** happens
and you move forward
what else can be done
and I hate using these mantras
to keep my life making sense
he's crazy
you're crazy
she's crazy

what about

life is crazy

so i smell the daisies
and feed the wolf
of good

and not the wolf
that eats at my soul

because I am a traveler
and this is my road

roll another one
some bubble gum
make it a double ***
call her to the room
she's already in your room
two ******* i consume
at the double tree
that's where they **** with me
these girls are luxury
can't keep my company
put my **** on her tummy
watch me ******* money

i feel like i woke up from a dream
and there's no one there in the morning
that was with me when i was in the dream
she's just gone
never was
but a figment
of my imagination
a fruit i pulled from a tree
that has gone rotten
a fig

they play the same ****
same ****
same crowd
same people
like the same songs
why do they listen
and play these things
even the people
who think they are different
are just doing the same thing
projecting
ideas and feelings
portrayed in a different way
at the surface it's all the same
look at it now
tighten your frames
how can you explain
the human being maintain
what goes in our brains
that makes us behave
such a way?

my heart hurts so much right now and i just can't really

it hurts me so bad
it hurts me so bad
i don't know why
but it hurts me so bad

i guess
i feel like
i just want to keep her at arms length
and talk to her about happy things
and only happy things

when u see someone
it changes things
and how u think

i feel like
i just took a step back
and a step forward
but i can't decide
which one it is

to go away
push further
or to stay
and try harder

i'm so mixed up in my heart right now
i want her back so bad
but i don't know if she's still there
my heart hurts so bad right now
i want her back
but i think she's gone

i want her back but i think she left
i saw her looking cute in that pretty dress
i forgot how much her smile meant to me
i forgot how much i miss her laugh
i can't write anything else but pain
my heart is stained
and it feels like forever

i sat and babysat my nephew today
i made him laugh, and i thought about her
with me in the room
she was there with me tonight
i made her laugh too

as i sit in this seat
i keep slumping over
i keep slumping over

i want her to come back
and be with me
but i think it's over
although that feels like never

when people communicate
we don't always tell the truth
and try to say things that throw them off the scent
of what we are really thinking
sometime's it's obvious
what we're really thinking
and the difference between that
and what we're saying
is astronomical
stars and space
and the earth
it's the difference between the moon
and the sun
one rises
goes round and round
one stays the same
in one place
and we try to cover it up
the dark side
with sunlight
but people
can still eventually
see the shade
might not take much time
might take years
an eternity
an equator
whole lotta time
traveling around and around in circles
waiting for them to say something
that appears real
and honest
when will we let loose
and frequent the truth
inside of our head
hahaha
the fear says no
no way
it's too scary
too funny
too insane
people will think i'm crazy
maybe
but if we act all the same
then who is really sane
all of us together
as one big unit
of sane people
sounds pretty crazy
what are we really saying
when we speak
what is it
we must teach
or learn
what will we earn
from the honest thoughts portrayed
as a sunray
into the dark
dont ever want to see the moon again

i hope
that the next time she sees me
it's on tv
and she'll be like
who is that
he's ****
and then she'll see the name
flash on the screen
and realize
that it might be
oh yes it is
me
she can't disguise me
she may despise me
but at least she sees me
on the tv

**** that *****
she wasn't laughin 4
nothin

she's too old
too young
quiet
loud

but u keep coming back
if u love her

make a ****** girl
a
nice crowd

it makes for good company

Silence
is the golden time
to say the perfect thing
or let it go
and let it slide into a point where someone has to say something
who is it
what will they say

how will they say it
is this going to hurt
will it be something personal
or too revealing
something i don't want to hear
or know about myself
or them

just sit in it. and feel your stomach tense up.
and feel the breathe in the room get ****** up
and the people
paralized
for a split second
not able to move

and then it clicks
and the right button was pressed
and all of the tension built up into the silence
fueled the laughter
and now there's stomachs busting
people howling
Shouting stuff out in the crowd
A room, spontaneously combusting into laughter

one by one
soldiers, knocked down, picked back up
And ready to be hit
with more
silence

super cute kids
put smiles on our faces
just from being honest
we know what they mean
when they said it
or maybe they used the wrong word
but we heard
everything they meant
it's a good thing
when time is spent
with a little kid
just trying to live
and learn
and feel loved
it's a gift from above
and beneath
to see
their smiling faces
tuck them in
watch their chest as they breathe
little boy's got a fever
get him a wet sleeve
wrap his head
make some tea
put him to sleep
and hope that when he wakes
alive he'll be
and well
rested
ready to keep living
and growing
so he can learn
and keep showing
one day
he'll be like you
and remember what you did
and back he'll give
reciprocation
a high inclination
to love
and give back
that's not whack
that's reality
so play that back
play with those toys
couple little boys
and a little girl
her hair twirls
put a smile in their world

the whole team is here now
**** it
we started from the bottom
now we are here
what is the bottom
but the bottom
of an ****
a ******
a ******* ******
pouring out a baby
that's the bottom
everything
is grown
like a seed
to a flower
started
from the seed
to the flower
that's all he's talking aobut
upper class
middle class
no class
you don't get it
human achievement
disregards
money
trumps it
like a full house over three pair
there's a gap
no matter where u come from
talent
is talent
and u get
pushed
to the top
from the bottom
even if it was already at the top

Why is it
That at night
I feel like I have to write

I did this all day
but I still have words
I'd like to say

Things I want to hear
new feelings I have to learn

I stay awake
I lay
pizza cigarette ****
calling me

more I intake
the less I make
myself feel better

If I can write a letter
to my troubled past
tell me the future's here
and it kicked my ***

I'll always remember those days
that I stayed awake
because my pen
had something else to say

here it comes again
those thoughts about
what happened to him
innocent boy
played with toy
thought he could handle
got destroyed

memory lasts
slow dripping pain
runs down window
over and over
it scrapes
images maintain
whenever in frame

all in all
there's no complaints
live, love, lose
all in a day
no matter how much ache
level of hate
move forward and thank

still alive today

still blazin
despite
staying awake
at night
looking off my balcony
into the sky
seeing the trees stand still
but me
you know
i made it through
even though
i still have to write this
cuz i still feel it
but it's getting hard to see you
cuz my eyes low
remember a girl i dated
told me
when her friend died
she smoked **** and watched jim gaffigan
all day
now it's me
doing comedy every night
making people laugh
forgetting about our pain
together
i feel like
when you smoke so much ****
you think about things more in depth
when they say
depends on how deep the heart break
is how long it's gonna last
i thought i'd get by fast
but i'm here
on this note book page
still blazin

I hate my life right now
feels like it's upside down
the inside of my stomach
feels like the remains of a town
that got hit by a tornado
all the remains on the ground
the thoughts the feelings the memories
all tied together
inside of me
pain subsided
yet still i bleed
slowly
thoroughly
in need of anti freeze
to keep my heart from freezing
i get a little itch to get a quick fix
get out of the house
meet a new *****
but every time i meet one
i think about the old one
with make up on
she did me so wrong
i want to forgive but i can't really do it
there's something inside me
that says don't do it
i imagine a time in which i get revenge
but the best damage i can do
is with my mighty pen
no words, thoughts, ****** expressions, feelings
can do her any harm
so i'll get back to healing
when they ask me the same question
about my emotions
how i'm doing
i give them the same answer
i'm dealing
it's hard but i'm living
my work, my heart, my passion
my potential is the ceiling
but it's still there
that feeling

i don't have time for games and emotional roller costers
i feel that **** is over
rated
a cliff i never wanted to **** with
i never wanted to climb it
don't have the proper equipment
my heart's equipped with
love
that has gone unforgiven
rotten lies
and sweet words
wish i could take them back
a foolish trick
a silly prank
heart got cracked

if you don't have empathy
for someone who is in pain
you must be numb
and dumb
to all of my remains
all of the spills
and blood that i bleed
it's friendly fire
and you're a friend to me

thought we'd always be friends
but now you're enemy
i wouldn't take you back
if you begged from your knees
i have urgency
about my life and who to please
who to choose and who chooses me
and your time expired
all cuz of friendly fire
you weren't there to stop the bleed

Another beautiful day in the neighborhood
anything wrong
feels so good
whatever I can get my hands on
I'll do it
anything without a ******
I'll ***** it
pass the blunt
cremate it
big body rotting
my family knows
that i'm in trouble
life I lead
full of sin
grab a pen
and a 40
it's early
but I'll drink
til I'm 40
time approaches
what have I done
with my talents
my pain
spread out into a million pieces
like rain
til I'm deceased
I need peace
can't find it in a substance
yet still I trust this
to be the life I know
no drugs consumed
can make me grow
into who I need to be
another casualty of life
my mind is not right
cuz I feel like
getting high is a joy
and that's not right
the answers aren't found
when in alcohol I drown
my sorrows
they always find a way to breathe
underwater

the isolated thoughts
that stray
as i drive home
after a quiet dinner
on a sunday
i think about the future
and where she is
the past
and who she was
all the evils that i felt
all the loneliness i feel now
the sadness from the loss
the acceptance
the grievance
the not so good goodbyes
the late night cries
the wallows
the shakes
feeling like
i'm never gonna make it
but i still get up
and i still strive
i still go up
go out
i still communicate
and love
and feel
i live harder now
cuz it's so real
and that's why i'm thankful for
the pain i feel

some days are like sun rays, in my eyes, some days, i can't see the sun, i shade, get it out of my eyes, the sun's disguise, behind the clouds i envision demise...when the earth collides, and the world explodes, where will i call home, i'll be on my own, in the galaxy a float, looking for another man on a boat, it's just me, out here in the space, nothing else to chase, my dreams are a float, i cannot see home, through the air i roam, and now i finally feel safe. just me in outer space.

lord please tame my ego
because it seems that i go
wherever he goes
and wherever he goes
i know
is a place so high though
i'm so tall
but like shaq at the free through
i fall short
clank
and here we go
again
back down to the bottom
try not to get swallowed
the pressure
the faces
the people
expecting
i get swallowed
pressure consumes me
my ego led me astray
the man i was yesterday
is a boy today
so i reevaluate
and try to understand
who i really am
him or me
my ego
i tell him to do what i want
matter fact
i just forget he's even there
and see where that takes us

I want to tell her
how much she hurt
her words
what they did
how they affected me
every day
every night
I have to live
with what she did
and I don't understand why
it makes me so angry
and hurt

but it's okay
i should thank her
because maybe
she had what was best for me
in mind

and it wasn't her

god works in mysterious ways
my eyes wet, mind a daze
as I pray

for forgiveness, love, respect
to all those
who hurt me

forgive them father
because i do not know
why they do what they do
show me how
to love like you

and be happy and proud
to be me
despite feeling
******
unforgiving
no more
it does not help
with healing

i must remove the pain
in order to reach the ceiling

thank u
4 loving me

Love is a word
not often used
hastily abused
to seperate fuse
and confuse

To acquire power
or regain
a wilted flower
love takes hold
and the reigns
of reason
are snapped
by its control
no longer in control
you use the word
to reacquire
lost desire
in your partner

love is loaded
who has the gun?
and talking about love
like inspiration from above
but really
just using the word
to feel safe

when push goes to shove
who do you trust
to use the word love

say it at the same time
on the count of three
it never comes easy
the word love
can be misleading
through cheating
when it gets heated
what do you say

what they always say

love
finds its way

I no longer want this to be real

Lord please help me
I want her back God but I know
that can't ever happen

why did this happen?

it's the worst pain I ever had
I went from happy to sad

I'm swimming in a bath of emptiness
And the loneliness never forgets
to keep me company

Another day of feeling down
For feeling good
Or not feeling anything at all
Postponed phone calls
Radio silence contracts
Money to be made but left on the table
Without a way to reach it
It’s carrot and rabbit for me
And my present is torture
I know the thoughts that i think
Are representative of the state
Of mind that i’m in
That i never write in
Sober
I’m always high
That’s why it always gets confusing
When i’m a good mood or bad
Whether i feel like amusing
Other peoples comments on the internet
And taking them without a grain a salt
Reality starts to strike me
As something unpleasant
I’m unlikely
To find the time to write with present mind
And clarity
I can only find insanity
And that’s what troubles me
And angers me
Just the things from day to day
I have to question my productivity
And my ability
To do these things when i’m inebriated
If that’s what u wanna call it
I don’t know when
This verse will ever end
Or if i’ll ever evolve past my current state
Perhaps evolution
Is more continued ****** delusion
And feeling high out on the fields again

I saw her in court yesterday
I saw her at sweetwater last night
I saw her this morning
I may have seen her in my dreams
I can't remember
She still follows me
as her memory fades
I still see her
small glimpses
as she sinks slowly into the water
I'll never forget that
girl
The first girl
I ever fell in love with

i woke up this morning
with a rage inside
that i never want to subside
put my hat on
threw the hood up
cigarette lit
thinking bout
who i'm gonna **** next

mask and gloves
barrell of sulfuric acid
ready to find a straggler
anyone stupid
or deserving
to get it

i'm the maintenance man
city garbage man
taking care of this **** they can't keep clean
you think it's mean?
well you should see how it feels
to wake up from my dream
or was it a nightmare?

keep quiet and don't say a word
it'll only get you more hurt
who needs a gun and a bullet
when these bare hands can do it
i'm a ***** nasty *******

my scowl looks like a smile
it's so jaded
and foul
but today's just another day
cleaning up the neighborhood
and ******* your wife

Things may change, the economy may rain, or I may make it rain, and go to strip clubs every night, living at the top floor of a sky rise. Nah thanks. I like to keep it among the people, that seek real wholesome things, and not just the evil humanity brings.

Understand what I'm saying when I write it? The pen is the plane and I am the pilot. I have an unlimited amount of sky mileage. But the baggage it brings to let your mind sing whatever it must sing. I'm sending signals out like a ping, blast your spyware and make the speakers of your computer ring. That's the bell to your house, and I just snuck out, so quick and so rapidly the cash that I count, from your bank account, which now has zero amount, but you'll always amount to something, I guess.

Success is something that brings more success, and life is like a ****** up game of chess, where not everyone has all the pieces, only start with a pawn, before they know it that **** is all gone, create a masterpiece with whatever you must, learn to trust, learn to bust, and understand completely and logically that without you there would be no me.

All one in the same, the blood not the gang, the spirit inside, the look in the eye, will tell you the truth, face to face man to man, who is really out there? Who is in there. A line in the sand. A line on this poem, a wish and a can. Goodnight, no fright, only good dreams tonight.

you know what someone who thinks they are a player is
someone who is out of touch with self
and have a lack of understanding of who they really are
but they aspire to be
is someone
who plays a game
until someone
flips the board upside down
and the player is left there
face to face
with reality
and the train has to keep moving
either get off or get on
take a picture while you're here
look in the mirror
and let it capture
the moment in time
for a second
who do u see

what is this mind that was given to me that is able to see things i print on screen with my digital zip drive of a brain that is stuck inside a laptop main frame, ******* server uploading and crashing sending pings and things to hackers who perform doss attacks and web cracks and serial cracks while eating cereal going over javascript material program landslide juno got bit by emails and other technical software jargin computer guy got the blue screen of death corruption on the web the spider metacrawling and setting it on angelfire i google the facebook twitter and hot wire my car on the trader the wall street journal and the white house, **** sites and white owls, getting arrested and being hired by the government, the money's spent, criminal punishment, in cells locked up no breakfast but lunch under the crack of a door inside ur naked ***, on irc chat, the warez rat, pirates on bays and whispers from kittens, brown paper packages exploding a smidgeon, binary, metamorphosis, code program gold, warning anti virus and spywares, baghdad to china, spy on private, eyes on cameras, cell phones like trackers, global position mappers, predator drones, video games, nfl madden, mad men, and happy wal marts, hacking wal mart, with social engineers, traveling the silk road with a cloak ip address revoked

Negative energy floats in and out of my brain trying to see if ill let it drive me crazy but itll never phase me cuz im faded i stay braided tight to the head and let everybody else spill their business my reality is far opposed to gravity and if i ever stop breathing itll be a got **** tragedy they should clone me or make a program a real life drone me ******* wanna bone me they deliver fruit on plates to my throne and refer to me as thee and thou and your honor please i am not worthy of your eye contact, but i put my hand on her chin and point her head up, keep your head up, one day you'll be this way a ruler and if you're not i pray that you at least get to get a taste in your own special way

you forgot
what you were missing
then you listened
to your intuition
because of the kissing
physical interaction
the submission
*******
when it first goes in
feels like sweet sin
the violation
of the body
the exploration
getting naughty
it makes your toes tingle
and you feel it all
throughout your body
days after
in the lobby
thinking about
that time in cali
when you met somebody
and went back
and forth
showed her off in your porsche
and felt her body
that's when you felt like somebody
a celebrity
the confetti
and the glee
money from all of that
i just enjoy the moment
and the opportunity
i like the fancy things
i like feeling nice
and having them come
late at night
and lay with me
under the candlelight
i'm a romantic
and i'm a ****
and i can't help it
i guess i'm selfish
i just like
when u feel it in your pelvis

the world can tell you
one big lie
line after line
spend your dime
drink your wine

tell you the truth
then flip it upside down
the world goes round and round
never stays its ground

i can't tell you
how many times i've seen
nothing that once
was something
some things i've seen

the lies i've told
to myself in my
world upstairs
underneath my hairs

the world told me that you were true
it was all i knew
a seed in my heart you grew
but now it's blue

the world still wakes me up to think
about what i missed
how much it stinks

the world
that was you
i thought i knew
that you were true

but the world has different plans
a different lie
it all takes time

for the world to create
a perfect match
an inconvenient truth

the world is going to open my eyes
to a new surprise
a different lie

i can't wait
i'll always seek
the new you
til the day i die

everything else can really wait
honestly
all i feel is pain
in the vein
in vain
or not
**** these reigns
of emotion
that have control over my mind
this horse i ride
gonna break thru the fence
and crush everybody
shining
with a wave of love behind me
gleaming
forget what everyone thinks
this **** i feel
make it stink
when u walk by me
that's all i can see
is smiling faces
people who appreciate
what i feel
been through
but
still
i hide
cuz
what is my pain
to theirs?
we're all trying to get by
we do it together
pain for pain
let's move forward
they don't even know it

what the **** do i think about
that makes me want to think these things
what brings these dreams
at night
shades no more sunlight
i cannot see through the window
why is this in my mind
these things that i think so twisted
tornadoes and avalanches tsunamis and destruction
dark horses ridden by men wishing to ****
black faces
eyes glowing
what are these thoughts i cannot escape
why do they keep my mind up
why do i think of gruesome images
and bodies *****
mangled
heads sawed
eyes popped
torture
is what it is
i must enjoy it
why do i like to see these things
and feel these things
when i see them
if they make me feel
criminal
the pain is minimal
when i let them flow by
like leaves on a river
and do not grasp on
to the evil that is within
must avoid it
at all costs
and never carry out
those thoughts

thoughts and feelings
and prayers and healings
and ceilings in bedrooms
that i'm staring at
while railing
and holding onto the railing
as her legs are flailing
and she's moaning and screaming
but i'm still just thinking
about another girl
that i used to be with
used to please
and sleep with
under the covers
she kisses me
while i talk to my friend on the phone
i'm in so much bliss
and my stomach
is sending signals
to the rest of my body
and saying
here u go, feel good
i'm under the knife
the IV in my veins
it's flowing too strong
don't pull it out
because i won't be able to live
without it
****
****
****
I pull out
and bust
and lay there
silent
as the music plays
and the heavy breaths
she puts her hand on my chest
but i have no response
i just stare up straight
at the ceiling
with this same feeling
and the same thoughts
and prayers
and wishes
that the girl lying next to me
was someone different
but it isn't
and so
i live to see another day
and say goodbye
let her out the door
and head back
to my life
which i thought
would be nice
if i took a break
and had this other girl
to sleep with
like that would solve all my problems
but they're still here
waiting
and the drug is gone
luckily
i'm still breathing
another night
another sound
another girl
but still not her
so i still feel
this same way
man
i can't wait
til i see the day
that my new love
rescues me away
from this empty

really don't
feel so good
pain i feel
not understood
images i see
i wonder how
i can keep being me
images of death
gun on the table
i see the trigger
but i'm not able
to go to the store
and purchase a rifle
go home
sit on the couch
and blow my brains out
i don't have the power
don't have the courage
the only thing i can do
is live and continue
and hope that I feel
a better way
I know tomorrow
has got to be better
than this *******
that I deal with
on a daily basis
I feel like
the pain that I feel
how I was treated
continually misled
******* got fed
and all in the end
I ended up with nothing
an empty hand
alone in the house
phone silent
no one calling
no one caring
I'm here crying
why can't this be easier
something like dying
all I can think of
are thoughts that bleed
from my stomach
and into my heart
misery it feeds
thought after thought
of the evils that dwell
in my mind
so much hate
I can't even tell
all I remember
is the hurt that was caused
things said so caustically
casually
flippantly
disgustingly
like
my family is weird
that one hurt the most
it burns so bad
makes me want to get out of my seat
find you in the street
grab you by the throat
and choke and choke and choke
until you can't breathe
I'll do you the worst
by letting you live
in your disgusting existence
that's the best revenge i can give
other than forgiveness
I guess I'll just post this
take another breath
stop thinking death
and ask for forgiveness
just gotta dismiss this
it's so hard to forgive this
I don't want to live this

a self esteem boost
marked by pain
branded
it's almost like they pass you forward into the world
and have faith in you
but still let go
just cuz they have to
and they didn't want to
and neither did i
but u gotta go
sometimes
u gotta go
and there's always more hope
in another rainbow
another boat, gone afloat
another person stranded
waiting for the man to come
and rescue them
like they should be rescued
and i rescued you for a minute
and we went down with the ship
**** it, we went down with the ship
it's all good
we did it together
and we build back up
our lives together
in a separate way
co existing
peacefully
yet separately
and if there is a time
that i see you again
i know that it was meant
and nothing but time well spent

i kind of just wish
that i could be alive somewhere else
in another time zone
i dunno why the tears come to my eyes
or why i have to fake it day after day
to win some sort of
fake prize
that fails to materialize
doesn't even bring me to where i need to be
it's my demise
i grasp
and cannot feel
cannot understand
what it is
that it is real
i just want to feel like i used to feel
when i was a kid
and happiness was real
content
knowing
that i'd go to heaven
and i have nothing to worry about
now
all i have
are my dreams and aspirations
friends and family
keep me healthy
active
alive
but without them
i don't think i'd keep plugging in
don't think i'd like to keep living
i'd want to have some other sort of special feeling
i feel like depression is back
rearing its head
in my face
i'm on the couch
it's dark
but through the window
things are looking out
looking in
showing me
that i'm hallucinating
and contemplating
about killing myself
i'll never do it
but i just want to live
i just to overcome
i want to be successful
this is the hardest struggle i've ever been
in
i want peace
but every time i get it
it goes away
i don't want to feel this way
cigarette after cigarette
looking off in the distance
my mind blown
smoke so much ****
to ease the pain
but it just goes away
it fukin goes away
:(
:(
and **** everybody else
who didn't want to hang out with me
my friends left me
and i become
so sad
depression
is something i've had my whole life
i just now realized this
tonight

i am going to look great
i am going to feel great
tonight
i'm going out
i got my best shoes on
just got them in
the mail
in a package
delivered from sister
and brother in law
saying hey
it's time for you to start practicing for that 5k
cuz it's in the next day
and you haven't started running
you're still smoking
and that race aint gonna race
without you
your heart
may take on a chase
from that ******* induced
in your veins
a few days
beforehand
how do you think you're going to do
when you're running and you gotta spew
before you even get to the finish line
but i'm going out tonight
looking sharp and feeling right
trying to put on my best face
and take a trip to a nice place
where the people all smile
and greet you
pretty women too
oh hey
nice to meet you
i really enjoy it
it's a part of my story
on whom ive grown to be
man with a plan
and a mask
a ****** weapon concealed
a killer with a smile
that man who took on the night
and drove it wild
some kind lady
may even have my child
anything can happen
whatever you dream up
so i'm getting on my best pair of sneakers
and gearing up
for the race
but first
it's tonight
and i don't have to work in the morning

it's not about the color of their eyes
the tone of their skin
it's the glow from within
what they emanate
who they are
what makes them tick
guilty pleasures
nervous ticks
necks and cricks
where their pleasure spot is
what makes them give in
submit to sin
what they stand for
how they carry themselves
if they are put together well
like spices on the shelf
if their smile never fades
and you remember it for days

Fall, fool, fell, leaves fall
and they float
sometimes they blow
sit soft on the ground
come around
over and over again
the tree stays planted
roots from growth
each leaf that falls
deeper seed grows
always hope
sometimes doubt
but the tree stays planted
leaves fall down

i tried to quit ****
but each morning i wake up from sleep
it's calling me

i walk through the house
and say
today i'll be alright without it
and i'm drowsy
make some coffee
have a cigarette
take a shower
and figure
that this will be the day
i don't pull the lighter trigger
and watch the flame ignite the green
make it turn orange
smoke whip down
around the corner
and up and under
into my mouth
down south
and back out

then i decide
that it's time
to give it a try
because i did all i was supposed to do
with my day
that i could have
to make it better

and then i feel real real light
like a feather
and i start feeling clever
and inspired
and optimistic again

it's like i have a new friend
each day
he greets me again and again

so i guess ill quit smoking
the day he dies
which in my eyes
will probably be longer than me
which makes the answer
to how long itll take me to quit
forever

that's called a soul mate
a life partner
and even though i've known him
for years and years
i feel like i learn something new
every time he blesses me
he's so kind
that bud of mine