My sister loves me
when I see her
she hugs me
then later
she texts me
and says
how's the job
do you need money
come see my children
Wes and Sully
Here's my husband
wonderful man Shaun
works very hard
sweat in palm

Family values
what I desire
want a child
of my own
under the warmth
of a nice home
sweet mother
caring lady
I know she'll get along well
with my sister
I miss her
cuz I haven't met her
when I do
I'm gonna be so proud
Hope I have a daughter
and she gets to meet my mother
hope I can teach her
to be just like her
and my sister
hope we stay together
family picnic
I miss it
cuz I don't have it
but no panic
time will stamp it
when it is right
til then
I stay patient
and learn from those
doing it right
I try to help
prepare myself
for the love I'll do
sacrifice
and sweat
for the future
family
that's all I want
to say
goodnight, sleep tight
daddy loves you

Love feels like chaos
when you're down and out
winds swirl around
smoke from the clouds
and it's gonna rain
strength can be sustained
on optimism concentrate
meditate
go under water
hold your breath
waiting for you at the surface
a devil in a blue dress
I hope that when I see her again
I'm 6 feet 10
confidence a grin
when she opens her mouth to chat
I'll give it right back
then walk away after that
new waters rising
new climate testing
a new beginning
a past devil's smile
slowly fading
no longer raining
chaos
I'm on the beach
finally at peace

my mind wants to
get back
but it's only gonna be
****** up feelings
no forgiveness
it takes time to heal
from stuff like that
you know
you think you're good
yeah right
yeah right
you still could see her
and do the same thing over and over again
it's so nice to have her
and be at peace
i just want to find
the woman of my dreams
my love is so strong
it's so weak
my knees so beat
my heart still beats
but that doesn't mean
that i'm gonna see
the same girl that did me
oh so *****
she's not even a ***** or a ** or a *****
she's just someone
that i miss
and want back
but i can't do it
cuz it'll never work
she doesn't love me like that
and i'll never understand that
i'll never really get it
i'll never really know
and time it will go
and i'll think about it more and more
and until i leave that door
wide open and see
to let someone else in
my heart is finally free

late at night
i lay in bed
feelings and all
images in my head
want to forget
keep thinking thoughts
that aren't healthy
on a path to insanity
peace is what i seek
of what i get
mindful
no more regret
painful
i don't want to dwell
in this deep well
of down

fabric i must flee
remove my clothing
and fleece
i'm on the ground
praying to god
holding myself
the anger within
the silence
ignore
so painful
hard to forgive
very hard to forgive

gonna take long time
to feel right again
so this thing i have
i must use it
pour out soul and heart
rip everything apart

don't want to freak out
flashbacks deranged
crazy dog
trapped in a cage
so filled with rage
i cannot explain
how this feels
other than by

flipping a couch
slamming my phone
screaming
crying
holding myself
on the couch

walk into the room
and feel
like i gotta strip
naked to feel
clean
i'm so *****
controlled by emotion
withdrawing from the withdrawal
of the person
who does not love me

for joy
for pain
I am thankful for all of that
because it makes me
human
influences my decisions
helps me steer the ship
the way it's supposed to go

there are boundaries in life
sometimes you can't see them
and when they appear
out of nowhere
you get hurt
then you realize
you must travel forward
and move on
past
into something else
that is worth value to you

and it will arise
that girl
that boy
that person
will appear
out of nowhere
a gift
from life
given to you
all you have to do
is be happy
and just know
that you can be good for somebody
and they will come

I really believe that
I do want a relationship with somebody
I would love
for it to be peaceful
I know pain will be inevitable
but I want to be committed
and I want to have kids
and be happy

why?

I don't know

but for now
I know that
there is no need
to feel hopeless
knowing that something
great
will happen
again

sometimes i want to laugh and cry at the same time
usually happens when i'm a little high
what i did to get a little by
when time flies
or slows
i end up in a back yard
with somethin rolled
it's twisted
like the weeds
i just like to get high
at first it's a rush
then it subsides
i find myself in a world
that no one but me can see
satisfied and nourished
i'm free

preach the reverend
for a second
minute
hour
year
quick shower
aqua flower
hot water
streaming
cleaning
pleading
misleading
devour
jealousy is good
for no one
damages
rational thinking
got me stinking
realizing
bad timing
say goodbye
be alone
now I write
rhyme
after
rhyme
on my own time
free spirit
mountains I climb

An overactive imagination
makes way for infatuation
excessive stimulation
brain saturation
I'm satiated
but not satisfied
and that is life
that leads to killer lies
A killer lies
deep in my soul
but I'll never let it go
never let it wander
travel
into the real world I see
my perception knows no reflection
A pretty girl
I undress
with my eyes
to remove her guise
when she speaks
I look in her eyes
but not too long
to my surprise
in her heart
there are other guys
so it is my demise
that the reality
is not so real
and now I feel
collision
of two worlds exploding
my mind imploding
never ceasing
or stopping
to think
or take a drink
of a soothing glass of peace
when it comes to peace
I'd like a piece of mine
to share with the world
so they can see
the gift and the curse
that consumes me
and I speak truly
from a heart
once soft
now made unruly
I wait
to hear a noise
see a vision
make an incision
a repair
I come back
with more flair
and let my hair
grow
so I can show
a tiny bit
of what it is like
to be a man
with an expanding mind
with the windows down
no sense of time
or place to go
I'm free at last

i'm not sorry for breaking your heart
i'm not sorry you stayed in your room
and cried
i'm not sorry you went for a drive
and drove
and took drive after drive
until mileage piled high
in the depths of the night
i'm not sorry you felt that way
about me
and how you disrespect me
i'm not sorry you feel so much anger
and animosity in your heart
you should have known from the start
who i am
how was i supposed to explain to you
what i'd do
when i didn't even know
myself
i'm not sorry you never knew me
and took out the time
or the trash
or bought groceries
i'm not sorry you never provided
or came over when i was in the bedroom hiding
or scared out of my mind
when someone got killed
in the lobby of my new apartment
don't even start it
where were you
when i needed you most
gone
out for a drink
with a friend
and not me
so i'm not sorry
for playing games
Sorry
i'm not sorry
for ignoring
and neglecting
and leaving
and then running right back
and stalking
and reading
everything you post online
about me
why wouldn't i read
all of the envious things
the devilish mean
and all the nasty
you put on the page
i'll read that for days
if it means that i hurt you that bad
tell you the truth
it doesnt even make me glad
it's all in your head
and it's your own fault
for creating a world
that was all for naught
i'll never apologize
and you'll never know
what you did to me
it'll never show
and i'll always be happy
and i'll know i'm alive
and i never needed you
and i won't til i die
i'm not sorry

go **** someone else
nasty *****
***** aint right
all ****** up
u ******* ****
and ****
until u cant breathe
and then swallow
some nasty disease
****** *****

**** seals on TV
****** seals
on TV
Keep ****** **** up
"a familiar place
a wrong movement
the wrong place
at the wrong time"
for the swimmer
this could be the end
not for the ****** seals
but the man
taking a swim
what's he doin
doesn't he see
the ****** seals
taking a swim
****** seals man
they'll get ya.
ha.
****** seals lol lol

i'm telling you
you're getting better because of that
and it's a skill you're working on
getting better at
not letting people get to you
you're on it
you're doing well
but you aren't having that much fun
okay
so i'm going to get it going
and let it have be the fun
that is inside of me

I'm at a place where the gangsters greet
they come together like crackers and cheese
at the table they speak
over coffee they preach
their opinion on the economy
peace and war
carried out intelligently
I see and see
all these old men, well older than me
who came here to discuss
matters that do not pertain to me
slick talkers, joke crackers, wise guys, old guys,
new kids on the come up
anxious from the sun up
all in the midst of a local diner
where the buffalo roam
the herd travels together
to mix the latest words
I wonder what they're doing
the business they're discussing
this is the place where they meet
the gangsters of the city
in here they're at peace
but to educate the street
it's violence they teach

sometimes
only solution
for me
to get by
is to pack a bowl
and get by
re evaluate life
look at it
through the eyes
of this beautiful green
surprise
blessing me since 9
the first time i smoked it
that **** must have stayed in my spine
cuz i'm always hi
even when i'm not
ppl try to bring me down
my world comes down
i feel down
no one is around
i'm lonely
i roll it up
sit on the porch
and smoke it
watch it fade away
and dissipate
it's a beautiful portrait
a masterpiece
i'm floating away

stop reading my ****
go make money
if u wanna be a baller
quit reading this ******* honey
they're not just gonna call u
u gotta get up get out and get it
enough of the *******
oh i wanna do this and that
wanna make a certain amount of money by then
this time
when?
which line?
of coke did u snort
that made u think
this **** came easy
u can float real breezy

like
i'm gonna make a million dollars
but first
let me head to the bar
grab lunch
go to the library
read a book
call my friends
play online
flirt
and think about boys

nah girl
get the **** out
and get it
all that ****
get rid of
friends, family, they'll be there, but they will change
to support you in the way
u need to grow
a million dollars my ***
u havent gotten off your ***
that fast
to get to work

receiving hand outs
from rich families
hoping to inherit
something that isn't yours
i guess those are your gifts
a gift of gifts
given to u your whole life
all you do is receive
receive
receive
receive
but that will never teach
how to take it

let the burn drive inside
if u really want it
you'll **** for it
steal for it
connive and bargain
try and try
beaten down, boo'ed, buried alive
but you strive
no such thing as no
never an impossible
no such thing as never
so go get it
u dont have forever

I guess

I could undress
or address
a situation
with a little girl
in the room
who happens to be the object
of my infatuation
air mattress pumped up
ready to go
she's ready to blow
you already know
but what can you do
when you're a man like me
just trying to live free
being happy
and doing what i want to do
even though i know
just this second
it could cause damage
to her and i
me and you
every relationship
that i ever brewed
finished before it started
and it all seemed *******
after a while
when i realize
that i was a child
going through pain
the weakness and youth
leaving the body
i'm not longer rotting
in this kitchen
on the pad plotting
while she's in there wondering
when oh when
will he ever come in
and i'll stay over here
in a safe place inside
my warm house
the theatre of my mind
i'll glide
and write
until she falls asleep
goodnight
and then i'll climb with her
into bed
kiss her on the cheek
and fall asleep
because that one was for me
i have to steer clear
of the emotions that flow
out of your body
when you *** someone that you oh so
much love
when i wake up in the morning
she won't even be there
she'll be gone
looking at her rear view mirror
wondering
about what happened
with that man in the room
what kind of illogical thoughts
did he consume
but we'll never know
and i'll never care
as long as she aint there
i have to move on
and figure something else out
with my life
and find somebody
that seems more right
or maybe i'll go
chase her off in the street
waive her down
stop the car
ask her to marry me
will she stop
and give up her life
or will she hit the gas pedal
and take it to 95
we'll never know

And stop reading this.
Find something better to do.
I am no longer important to you.

Find someone else to play with, to find amusement with.
You think it's fun be admired and hated and written about.
Find someone else to torture, to **** with, to watch them desire you, only to fall short.

You know where he is, he's waiting for you.
As he always has been.
Whenever you need to fall back.
Just go see your other man.

If these words have ever hurt you, or ever made you feel better, you deserve it.
You deserve it all. So go get what you want.

Stop bothering with me, I'm on my own time, in my own world, I can easily vanish.
And you will no longer see, or get to read, or receive the fruits of my labor.
Go **** with your other man, he's waiting for you.

You did so many things together growing up.
You say you aren't sleeping with him.
But you're not saying that you haven't slept with him.

You hate him.
You love him.
You don't love him.

Then why are we still talking about him?

When you get scared at the train station and need someone to talk to. Don't call me. Don't read this. I won't be able to help. That's the role for your other man.

Call him.

The one who gives you the emotional support you really need.
The two of you. Together. So sweet.
I saw it in the pictures, that you didn't want me to see.

The looks in your eyes.
Then I saw it in a dream.
I saw his face in my head
As we were having ***
And then woke up
with a sick feeling in my stomach.

It's like I needed something to eat, to fill me up. To get rid of that feeling.

I needed to get breakfast.

Hmm.

Maybe I'll pick some up for both of us. And bring it to your job. The job that I ******* you over at. The place where I worked for you and then totally ****** you over, just like you predicted I would..remember how I ****** you over at your job?

That was crazy, wasn't it? You should have never trusted me. Remember that? When I ****** you over?

That was so terrible.

I'll come there. I'll bring you breakfast.

Ah wait. No.

Someone already brought it.

Your other man.

Go **** with him.

And read something else.

some nights i'm scared to go to bed
cuz i don't want to be alone
before sleep
not holding anyone
or not thinking anything
or doing anything
but thinking about the person who isn't holding me
or me holding them

i don't like how it feels
when I wake up in the middle of the night
or in the morning
covered in sweat
and no one wants to hug me

It was a general dislike
I didn't want to say it or see it
I think about it cuz it's important to me
now a days I think my head is clearing
I remember the fun things
all the silly games
now when I think about it
I can't help but say
it doesn't hurt as bad
gonna be a good day today

you don't have to do nothin
but the things you do
to make yourself beautiful
i appreciate that too

i like when your eyes are brown
i like when your eyes are hazel
i like when your hair is short
i like when your hair is braided
i like your smile, it's radiant

i like when you talk about the memory
of meeting me
and what it means
and everything that gleams
and glistens in your eyes
in the twilight of the night

i like seeing your name on my phone
i never knew that a name could make me feel a certain way
a string of text
a collection of letters
that cut deep to my heart
and open up my stomach
like peeling an apple
or an orange
a delicious fruit
you're so sweet

the things you say
really get me
like
they really shake me
and cut me to my knees
you're the best disease
the best emotional illness
the best sickness
a weak stomach

you're the tear coming down my face
and it was all worth it
and i want you to know
you're so worth it

the pain i feel
and the heartache
will never replace
how i really feel for you
and the things you do
you're just you

i don't want you to be anyone else
or change who you are
come take a ride in my car
let's talk til after dark
and wake up in the morning
man, that's the best part

to open my eyes
and instead of you being a dream
you're laying right next to me
in bed with me

a kiss on the cheek
and a soft good morning
let me cater to you
i want you to feel comfortable in my home
because you have my heart

now we are here
and the end is not near
nowhere in sight
and i hope i never see it
you're going to last forever
i hope i see you in my dreams
and awake with you from my sleep

waking up in the morning
saying
I'm such a *******
isn't the best way to start your day
when you're feeling a certain way
in your stomach
in your brain
you feel it come out
of your dreams
into your real life frame
and then
how can you explain
to the people around you
why you act insane
why you choose to be
so sad
not free
of the pain that is inside you
it consumes you
it says hey
how are you
good to see you
what did you dream about last night
and you don't even know
but you really do
because you wake up thinking
about a person
that isn't there
you wake up thinking
that they aren't really real
you wake up thinking
how do i continue to live
when i feel like this
how can i go about
making this pain go away
chase the pain with *******
slip a xanax
drink the night away
mushrooms
will make you think
feel good
relax
and trip
but if you have a bad trip
you'll lose grip
a sensation in your neck
telling you
something isn't right
you aren't at peace
with the world
or yourself
your reality
is a war
and you have to let go
so when you do
you can wake up in the morning
and feel good again
that's how i feel that this day
should always start
with optimism
and not rolling around
trying to keep sleeping
just because
you want to go back to your dream
and the way you felt
when you saw that person
because the dream meets the real
and the feeling you feel
is the reality crashing down on you
telling you that it is no longer
you will never see them again
only when you sleep
so wake up
get something to eat
go for a jog
continue
be free
there's a new day
a new world
a new love
that will find you
but first
you must love yourself
and you can start doing that by
being happy

your bread is weak, you lack toast
my cheese is sick, lactose

dont listen to those thoughts in your head
that's how you end up dead!
or underwater
that's how you get to a place
that you can't blame anyone but you
for making
and creating
why don't you go for a walk
meditate
do something healthy
to make yourself feel better
about yourself
so you can not dwell
in the deep down well
costs more muscles to frown
i'll spend it wisely today
i'm going to grocery shop
for positive thoughts
think i'll have an apple
an avocado
a glass of orange juice

happiness
all i want
it's not a front
can't roll in a blunt
something i drink
or swish
or sweet
not something to eat
or a quick feel
not a tug on the reel
a new steering wheel

but it's what i want
and i'm gonna find it
trying to figure out where to look
i've read a number of books
to see what in the world
happiness looks
like

i saw it in a kid
he was riding his bike
and another little boy with his father
flying a kite
i saw it in the face
of the kenyan who won the boston marathon race
i saw it in the eyes
of a young couple
and it was two guys
i see it in the sun
in the beaming rays
when it grazes my face

i smell it in the kitchen
mother's cooking dinner
the roast is in the oven
and the dog is by her side
i saw it in her face
in her eyes
when id come home from work
she'd jump off the couch
in a very quick spurt
and start barking
jumping
and licking
and playing
happiness
i miss it
wish it was staying

i'm gonna find it
no matter how hard i try
i'm going to make it
through the world i'll glide
in happiness
i always strive
for happiness

but how do i get it?
do i stop try?
or go harder?
travel waters uncharted
boats not chartered
i seek happiness
i want to be smarter

i'd rather it not
have a price
can't be bought
but happiness
past present
all i sought
all i seek
just had a dream
and in the future
i see
happiness

the true story
behind the curtain
the things you have to learn
about what's not being said
is so hard
to decipher
what's truth and what isn't
what is all in your head
what is real
what is make belief
what is imaginary, what is the triumph over love?
what is it?

it's difficult
tough to grasp
understand
wrap anything around
no need to feel a frown
no need to worry
it takes care of itself
just like anything else
in this situational life

what can i control
what must i let be
how can i be free
of the love that i'm in
this **** makes me laugh
reading it
because it's so
to the heart
but yet
no one knows
who i'm talking about
but if you've ever been felt this way
by a man before
then it's you
so thank u, hats off to you

Hey you,
I learned something the other day
matter of fact
it was yesterday
i read that
you shouldn't want to conquer someone
just to prove something to yourself
you should want them
because
you love them
and it asked
well
do you really love that person?
you'll find out
if you imagine them
being in love with you
in order to satisfy
and fulfill yourself
and once you hit that point
do you still want them?

that, to me
was something
special
and i know
we didn't spend much time together
but from the short time we did
i just know
that i really
never wanted to be anywhere else
but with you
and i know i was mean
i know i was ugly
and there's something about myself
that i didn't love
so how could you
how could i
how could i
how could i really
even begin
to feel a way
about you
when i don't care
about myself

i'm writing to tell you
that i still think you're awesome
and i'm writing to tell you
that i'm sorry
you had to see that
ugliness
inside of me

and i'm writing to tell you
that i'm going to love myself
and find happiness within
and maybe one day
we can once again
begin

Hi, how are you?

I hope you're having a good day
and you have a smile
on your pretty face
and I wish I would have listened more
to what you had to say

but hindsight is twenty
and vision gets blurry
words gets slurry
when you were scared
and needed somebody
I was out with a friend
getting drunk at a party

I'd blame ADD
but in reality
it's just me
always thinking about me

when you were there
and that would have been better
so I wrote you this letter
to let you know
I enjoyed our time together

I'm going to leave it up 4 a while
so you see it
if you're on the bus
or waiting for a train
maybe you'll read it

and whether or not
a difference that makes
I just thought you should know
I still think you're great
okay, I have to go now
hope you have a nice day

am i a deeply spiritual person or am i just always high?
sometimes
when i sit outside
on the porch
i hear the bird
chirping
in his cadence
and it tastes so good
and the smoke comes slowly
out my mouth
through my nose it goes
up yours
with a rubber hose
i smoke
and the trees flow
and the breeze shows
its face

you got reggie
it's the regular ****
named after reggie bush
or miller
it's not that killer
but roll it up
pour yourself a cup
see how it tastes
after a few puffs
you'll realize
that you're still pretty hi as ***
haha
aint that somethin
might be a lil higher
depends on what u think
or want it to be
before you smoke it
call it blue dream
forget about the stems and the seeds
relax
and enjoy the breeze
on the beach
smiling
blowin the trees
with your flip flops on
or wherever you want to be
when you get high
your mind is free
anything you dream
or create and bring
to the world
is a new reality

every time i write
i just don't know
what to do
how to go
how to get it started
what to write about
think about
express
share
with others
and see who cares
what's going to connect
what is rare
what makes someone stare
so hard at the screen
and be locked in
visually
mentally
imagining
everything they see
each word bleeds in your brain
and brings you to a new universe
you don't remember where you are
other than there
that's what i want to write
what i'm trying to express
just living my life
and trying to get success
but the bar i set
is hard to measure
i want greatness
i want pleasure
most of all
i want peace
knowing
and needing
and being
with someone
who makes me happy
even if it's myself
i just want some help
something to get me through
and that's why i write
not for the people who will read it
or to showcase my skills
i just do whatever
and hope it kills
i live for this
especially

how does this read to you
when you see these letters
and string them together with glue
started out as floating letters
like alphabet soup
now it has phrases
that ring a bit true
i bet you don't have a clue
what i'm trying to say
and if you do
that's cuz I gave it away
i printed it up
hits the newsstands today
but you'll just buy it
and throw it away

One day they'll all learn how it feels to be hurt and neglected

to be left alone in the dead of winter
when the snow has shut down the roads
and you don't have a car

And they go to dinner without you
leaving you to walk the streets of Atlanta by yourself
to a pizza shop
sit quietly and eat by yourself

To be left home when one of the greatest comedians of his generation comes to town
and they all have tickets to see the show
except you don't
and they'll go watch it without you

they'll all know how it feels to be left alone in your room
just struggling to find some peace and quiet
when outside the door there is fighting and screaming
and one day you go outside to see your dad on top of your brother
screaming
and someone ends up bleeding

they'll know how it feels when you wake up from a bad dream
that you are being neglected
and someone you care about
doesn't care about you
doesn't answer your phone calls
leaves you wondering
whether or not they are cheating
and just don't give a **** enough to hide it

they'll know how it feels one day
or maybe they won't
maybe they'll never know how it feels
because it's me

but one thing is for certain
everyone in this world knows and feels pain
and i am not alone
in my feelings of hurt and neglect
they'll know that I was there too
and they aren't the only ones who feel suffering

to all those who have pain
and suffering
and have been hurt
and neglected
and treated like
no one cares
you aren't alone
people do care
you must care too
because sometimes
you have to do it for yourself
and love yourself
even if it doesn't feel like they care
that's what is most important
to staying in tact
staying alive
and staying well

remember
be easy
and don't be so ******* them for doing what they do
cuz they have problems too
and they'll feel them
one way or another
it all comes back around

a joke goes through you
feels so fluid
three months later
it's starting to feel like
paste
and it doesn't quite taste
what it used to taste
the flavor saves
as long as it takes
to forget about the memory
that fades
of how you felt
when you first wrote it

stopped drinking alcohol
cuz i was crying
now i feel better
but there's still tears
supression
somehow
didn't happen
i don't know
what the problem is
guess it's just me
and this depression

she really ****** me up
and i barely even knew her
what the ****
happened
to me
that made me
this way
my childhood
was raised
inappropriately
i have a confession
i'm not even drunk
but i feel like
going to the bar
and not remembering
any of this day
just to know
that i can escape

Just need some company
in due time
I want to feel aligned
in peace
not maligned
with a person who
I so dearly trust
that I absolutely must
respect and cherish
more than much
more than me
she's my destiny

whom I cannot
without a doubt
anxiously
wait to meet

you think the nice things about them
in the morning
then u think about
what u dont like
as time goes on
your feelings
turn sour
and they feel
no good
like something is on you
and you can't get it off
then you write about it
and let it out
it simmers
in your mind
and you see them
and try to explain it
but
they dont really hear
what your pain is
they cant change it
only you can
so you do
say goodbye
cut em off
we're through
be cruel to be kind
evil can be wise
if played in right disguise
you'll fool them
go **** some other guys
and theyll never know
what youll tell em
but they did
you cant hide behind a mask for too long
before they see it
what's really there
underneath
it melts away
and shows a face
they never knew
and are disgusted to know
now they must change
and grow apart
cuz separates always better
when they are from afar
dont smash your car
or break your phone
it's okay now ben
you can go home

til I get home
and realize
that despite making people laugh
i'm all alone
seeing images of chrome
i'm in my zone
suicide keeps callin me
on my mobile phone
friends turn foe
round the globe I roam
the oceans white foam
sky so blue
for a moment
I forget I'm feeling blue
in a sense that
I can't comprehend
whether or not
dollars and cents
and payin rent
will get my sent
2 heaven
so I do drugs
2 forget
wait til I wake up
nobody home
back 2 the show I go
buckle my seat
and pray for good health
on the interstate belt
I'm on the road
to hell

sometimes things are calm, sometimes like a storm, sometimes I feel warm and luke, sometimes I puke
sometimes it's flashes and dances galore
sometimes i'm day dreaming about a *****
sometimes i can't get her off my mind
even when i know this obsession is blind
and i can't help but to think to myself
that i need help from obsessing over myself
and that's all i think about and that's every day
my pain and my pleasure, my pleasure my pain
i don't really know what else to do
i just keep throwing the time for a loop
i spin it twice backwards and three times i play
the same song that i listened to yesterday
and i know it feels gay and i hate me this way
but i get sentimental as ****, on some certain days
please cure me of this curse please time oh please do
because i gotta whole lotta things to do

these problems u got
or supposedly have
aint even that bad
just remember that
when u miss her
and see her in your dreams
it aint always
exactly what it seems

oceans
flowers
stars
planets
all do
man
you're so beautiful
i just wish
i can forget you

i think it all started
in the beginning
when
we first got together
and did a few things
and then
like
i guess
i didn't really love you like that
or something
i dunno
i just think about
my insecurities
and how i couldn't hide them anymore
and it was self destructing
containing
some sort of anger within
that must be let out
and when it finally did
all those suppressed emotions
came out
that's what i've done
so long
so long
so long
now we're all weird
right
but I made you laugh

i'm going to let my sins of the day wash away
i'm going to meditate
i'm going to pray
i'm going to the river
watch the waves
i'm going to take a walk
think about what made me this way
how i became who i am
i'm going to listen to the nothing
silent in a chair on the porch
close my eyes
forget about the violence
the angry waves
the bitterness
the hate
the death
the goodbyes
the lies
they'll go away
with nothing
i'll close my eyes
and let it go
let them all flow
watch them go by
like leaves on a river

I'm gonna make it
I told you now
I'm gonna make it
told you before
I'm gonna make it
They can try to stop me
patience
I'm gonna save it
success
I'm gonna crave it
Haircut
gonna fade it
My soul
won't have to trade it
gonna get it
how I want it
Gonna prove to everyone
who left me
doubted me
thought I was boring
left me in the rain
cut me deep
with no neosporin
They're gonna see it
what they left
gave away
I'll make pain my slave
I forgive
but never forget
who I am
and what they made me became
I have come so far
keep going
see the hope
A smile
I'm not gonna fake it
Take the hits
keep going
I'm gonna make it

As your memory fades
the visuals grey
I can still say
I miss you

Even when it hurts
I feel bitter
about the way
I felt betrayed
I can't help but think
positively
about how much
I still miss you

There's been plenty times
in my car at night
I look at the lines
on the freeway
no matter how fast they go
and seem to disappear
the white paint is clear
I miss you

I've been on the porch
the balcony
and into the stars
is you I see
a puff of smoke
in the air
I watch you disappear
I miss you

In the morning when
I roll over
again and again
I try to pretend
I don't miss you

but then it comes
like a quake
I hear your name
or a reminder
carried on a banner
behind a plane
I see you

and at that time
I bottle that feeling
and put it away
so I can carry on
have a peaceful day

but when I get alone at night
I stay up and write
and all this pain is leaking out
because I still have thoughts
that I think about

what if it were to come true
and my memories turn into the real life
you

what if this just passed
all the songs I wrote in the past
about what you left behind
but that's for another time

until then
I bleed the pen
and reminisce again
about what I have
up in this mind
to remind and remind
and remind
what I hate to even admit
it's what my fingers cannot grip
I want to save this moment
and make it beautiful
for another day
when I look back and see
how much it was true

I missed you

Tomorrow isn't promised
this could be my last day
which makes it the oldest day
that I'd ever live
if I were to go
so cheers to being old

this is my ****
have it on replay
and my seats sway
back and forth in the breezeway
im dancin on cloud 9
cloud 10 not that far away
im getting it in every single night
and at the end i want to pray
anger inside and anxiety bleeds
no one can see
i focus on positivity
to eliminate
the gravity
from taking me to a place
ive been before
no thank you
no can do
i'm going to enjoy my minute
hour
second
all that ****
only thing i have to do
today
is get high
go for a walk
and repeat
laundry done
clothes washed
i'm clean
i'm healthy
i'm living
i'm feeling good
and i move forward
from all the *******
that keeps me down
life always reminds
that it's in control
but i take the reigns
tell it to *******
and i **** it
and dominate
with my even keel
devilish smile
hidden
it is written
that i will be the best

i feel devastation, once again i'm here, trying to work through this, doing this job, sitting down, and doing nothing, being isolated, and it's hurting me, it's starting to really hurt me, and i don't know. the dream i had, the things that haunt me, and i don't want to ever see her again, and i want her to know that i still hurt from that, but she doesn't care, and it doesn't matter to her, she's off in her own world, yet her energy gives me joy, her energy gives me joy, and then it geos away, then it goes away, and then it huts, i'm left here with nothing, just an empty bed, and another day, just another day, that i have to give my best to stay above the wake, and just hope and wait, i just hope and wait. it's tough and it's in my head each and every day, and i'm trying to do different things with my life and see a brighter day, and I've seen them, like yesterday, no tears shed no depression set in and I had a relaxing day, and a productive day, and I felt the hope from her and I felt her inside and it was such a devastate. Now i wake up and it's another downer day. Because I know she's gone away. The thoughts that race through my mind are too much to handle, I can't really see it clearly, they just go trhoguh, and the images in ym head just stay with me. I don't know if I'm delusional, but some days i don't efel like a normal person. Yesterday I felt like I felt like I felt like a man. And today. Today. I feel like. I got that melancholy. I feel like, I'm in a haze. And I can't sleep at night, until it's at least 5 or 6, then I get four or five hours and wake up. I'm in some sort of abyss. It's a ******* abyss. I don't know if I have a problem but I think I do, I don't think I'm supposed to be this way. I'm not normal. I'm not normal. I want to see a better day. I might go to the doctor to see if I have some sort of problem, and I'm sure they'll give me something, but I don't want that to make me crazy, or even crazeir. I'm worried, I don't trust, I don't trust. I want to feel healthy, mentally. I feel hopeless. But I know hope is there, I gotta stick it out. I gotta get some help. I need to go to rehab. I gotta get help. Please, I need to stop feeling bad. Please. Someone help me.

when u see the light
u start to feel the hate from outside
when **** gets dark
who's gonna be there
remember
despite the doubt
that hurts u
this pain is a memento
to remind u
of what we been thru
growing up as a child
goin wild
side by side
was u
my brother
my sister
i think of u
when i need to build
shoulder to lean
stayin clean
on the scene
regardless of the hate i see
i remember where i came from
who i am
and i not only do what i can
i do what i must
u always been there
for me to trust
thank u
i love

something about the morning that feels better when u fall
something about the morning makes you feel special in the fall
when leaves fall, and my heart, i'll never talk about the word
i'll just know
what's hapepning, is a beautiful feeling
and something worth
everything

doing my first molly pill
at dragon con
and seeing u get into my car
all gothed out
i was like
man what the hell
but u carried it well
stepping out of the girl
taking a second glance
couldn't help but look u up and down
and smile
and
****
thought faded out
to something else
but
i just wanna chill and listen to this music
and feel that
again
you know

it's best for me
to be free
and be alone
less misery
less agony
and feeling gloom
and all down and out
like the dirt underneath the broom
it's best for me
to be free
and on my own
that way my heart
can find a home
it's best for me
to let it go
and not think about thoughts
that make my heart swell
it's best for me
to let it all go
and forgive the person
who hurt me so
it's best for me
to erase my memory
through current events
and future tense
it's best for me
to live my life
harder than i've ever lived before
because now i have something new inside of my blood
a love that i never knew could bud
destroyed and crumbled, it is no longer
but it still stays
right there in my veins
and i project outward
now with my life
and use the love that i lost
to pierce sharper than a knife
it's best for me
to write it all out
and put it on the pad
just like i know my dad
always did every day
he'd write in his journal
to let out all the guilt and the pain
it was best for him
to get that peace of mind
and now i'll go for a drive
and look at the city lights
puff of smoke out my mouth
as i pull out of the house
it's best for me
to enjoy this night
and every second i live
i'm gonna be alright

It takes time

Some time feels like 4ever
Some time goes by and you're mad cuz it's over
Sometimes it gets renewed
And your faith is fresh
Like a cold glass of brew
In time, the glass is empty, overflowing
Never knowing until you try
And if you give up
U never really tried
No man should cry
What I was taught
But after battles fought
A new lesson I bought

It takes time