how does this read to you
when you see these letters
and string them together with glue
started out as floating letters
like alphabet soup
now it has phrases
that ring a bit true
i bet you don't have a clue
what i'm trying to say
and if you do
that's cuz I gave it away
i printed it up
hits the newsstands today
but you'll just buy it
and throw it away

they play the same ****
same ****
same crowd
same people
like the same songs
why do they listen
and play these things
even the people
who think they are different
are just doing the same thing
projecting
ideas and feelings
portrayed in a different way
at the surface it's all the same
look at it now
tighten your frames
how can you explain
the human being maintain
what goes in our brains
that makes us behave
such a way?

Just need some company
in due time
I want to feel aligned
in peace
not maligned
with a person who
I so dearly trust
that I absolutely must
respect and cherish
more than much
more than me
she's my destiny

whom I cannot
without a doubt
anxiously
wait to meet

My dreams keep multiplying
years go by
I keep crying
never stop trying
to achieve what means
everything
to me

They can never take that away
my passion can break
a giant bridge
like a wooden rake
over my knee
trying hard
is the only way I'm pleased
I will never cease
what I feel inside
I cannot write
cannot say
not enough time
not enough paper
not enough ink
to give you an idea
of how I do this thing

I'm going to be blessed
I'm going to be honored
given respect
a crown of jewels
around my neck
I'm blessed
to feel so strong
so passionate
determined
to get respect
got ****
I love this ****

I want to enjoy
this life
so I write
to get my mind
off things
that cause strife
harm done
all foul
I dismiss those
I find foul
and keep traveling down
the open road
going hard
loving life
mile after mile

usually i am usual
unless i refuse
to use
i get confused
drugs and *****
i abuse
til i see things in two's
mind you
my mind i peruse
find a way
to follow the rules
mind my p's and q's
this life
i did not choose
that is why
i usually used
to sit my *** on bar stools
til i pass out and drool

i don't know how much longer i can feel this way
i'm starting to think that the only way
is to blow my brains
and that way
i never have to feel the stains
the pains
the **** that i am left with
as i lay in bed at night
night turns to day
day to turns to rain
i want to sleep in this room
no sunlight coming in
through the window pane
shutters closed
i want to take sleeping pills
and sleep forever
i want to stop feeling this way
i hate myself
i hate everything about my mind
that it keeps thinking about things
that i don't want to think about anymore
it's there
it's there
it's there
i don't like this
at all
and i'm tired of it
i'm tired of being able to cry
so easily
and now that they've started to dry
i just sit and think about
this stupid ****
isolation
isolation
isolation
in my mind
it's a prison
it's a prison
it's a prison
****
**** **** ****
****
i'm so tired of it
i don't know what else to do
i don't know who else to please
i have a disease
i think i have a disease
i think i have a disease
i gotta go
i gotta go
i gotta go
to the doctor
therapist today
therapist today
maybe he'll prescribe me
with some medicate
please
please
anything
to help me escape
i have a disease
i have a disease
i have a disease
bring on the rain
i'm tired of it
i'm tired of it
i'm tired of it
someone
please
help
me
escape

said a few things
that i shouldn't have said
made a few choices
that i definitely regret
a casual mistake
with all the stakes
everything on the line
just not the right place
or the right frame of mind
a point in time
gone bad
or just miscalculated
the landing didn't stick
the take off was faulty
we started too hard
all those words were shoddy
comin out the ***
love came too fast
and left too quick
i got pain in my heart
that just won't quit
so now i'm sitting here
already quit the bottle
stopped smoking ****
cuz it wasn't making it less harder
but why even bother
who even cares
about this man in the room
who ran out of prayers
and cried all the tears
that could ever be cried
to drown a thousand people
i'm buried alive
and i can't even breathe air
i wish she'd be here
or someone
to take it all away
i need to be saved
jesus, where u at?
i feel like a slave
and all i see is rain
cloudy day after cloudy day
in my world of pain

what is this mind that was given to me that is able to see things i print on screen with my digital zip drive of a brain that is stuck inside a laptop main frame, ******* server uploading and crashing sending pings and things to hackers who perform doss attacks and web cracks and serial cracks while eating cereal going over javascript material program landslide juno got bit by emails and other technical software jargin computer guy got the blue screen of death corruption on the web the spider metacrawling and setting it on angelfire i google the facebook twitter and hot wire my car on the trader the wall street journal and the white house, **** sites and white owls, getting arrested and being hired by the government, the money's spent, criminal punishment, in cells locked up no breakfast but lunch under the crack of a door inside ur naked ***, on irc chat, the warez rat, pirates on bays and whispers from kittens, brown paper packages exploding a smidgeon, binary, metamorphosis, code program gold, warning anti virus and spywares, baghdad to china, spy on private, eyes on cameras, cell phones like trackers, global position mappers, predator drones, video games, nfl madden, mad men, and happy wal marts, hacking wal mart, with social engineers, traveling the silk road with a cloak ip address revoked

some nasty *** *******
but it's okay
they're all beautiful
in their own way
just not the way i saw them
it was trash
low to the earth
but that's not true about them
or me
i know that they are good people
whatever
i think it's clever
to know who you're dealing with
how they perceive u
and themself
what the relationship is
there's other people in their lives
that know them so much differently
that u could never really understand
how a person is
until u hang out with them
forever
and until u die
then u finally
just maybe
won't have a clue
but u did it
and they loved u
and there u go
that's the end of the show
let the credits roll

just let it out
whatever u want to say
whatever is on ur mind
and don't act like
it's not planned
the things u feel in ur stomach
are not real
just a misinterpreation
of how i feel
about the girl by the water cooler
with the maroon dress
by her i am so impressed
she's designed in my mind
fabric neatly pressed
i wonder what she'd look like
outside of that dress
i'm a mess
how she's got me thinking about
things i wanna do
i wonder what she's thinkin bout
hope it's me
in a fancy tuxeed
lookin all nice and neat
that's my fresh prince to be
the one who so pleases
each and every reason
i wanna see him each and every season
and all the ones after that
under the sun we will bow
our heads and pray
now we have a bunch of babies
and ****'s going amok
but man
man oh man
i miss that girl
by the water cooler

now i'm supposed to stay awake at night
and write
and think about some ****
that i never wanted to be a part of
because i can't stop writing about it
like i'm used to it
being in my mind
so much
that i have to spew it out
bunch after bunch
after bunch
after bunch
just like the image i had
of throwing up
and not being able to breathe
some craziness
happened to me

i hope
that the next time she sees me
it's on tv
and she'll be like
who is that
he's ****
and then she'll see the name
flash on the screen
and realize
that it might be
oh yes it is
me
she can't disguise me
she may despise me
but at least she sees me
on the tv

if you make a concrete judgement of somebody without fully getting to understand them, that's a sign of stupidity, and that's what she did to me

and my family, without even knowing my mother and father, she didn't even bother

to recall why she'd often dismiss, them as just religious, freaks who took care of their kids, and didn't get divorced, stayed together through the weather

she claimed they only did it cuz of the kids, but they're out of the house now, and my parents are still together and in love

what she couldn't find, within our family, and her simple mind, is that they would have loved her too, if she would've accepted them, or got to know them, or had a talk, or just listened, but instead, she placed them in a class with the rest, of the people she thought she knew best

but look inside and you might find that she don't know her self, and that's why she has to place, this label upon those who say grace, before they eat dinner

my mother and father, i love, so much. and that's why it hurt when she said they are weird. and that they're the reason my brother smoked crack.

**** that. tears come down my face are dried, the stains from her lies still infiltrate my eyes. but it's okay, i live and forgive another day, just like my parents taught me

move on and pray

happiness
all i want
it's not a front
can't roll in a blunt
something i drink
or swish
or sweet
not something to eat
or a quick feel
not a tug on the reel
a new steering wheel

but it's what i want
and i'm gonna find it
trying to figure out where to look
i've read a number of books
to see what in the world
happiness looks
like

i saw it in a kid
he was riding his bike
and another little boy with his father
flying a kite
i saw it in the face
of the kenyan who won the boston marathon race
i saw it in the eyes
of a young couple
and it was two guys
i see it in the sun
in the beaming rays
when it grazes my face

i smell it in the kitchen
mother's cooking dinner
the roast is in the oven
and the dog is by her side
i saw it in her face
in her eyes
when id come home from work
she'd jump off the couch
in a very quick spurt
and start barking
jumping
and licking
and playing
happiness
i miss it
wish it was staying

i'm gonna find it
no matter how hard i try
i'm going to make it
through the world i'll glide
in happiness
i always strive
for happiness

but how do i get it?
do i stop try?
or go harder?
travel waters uncharted
boats not chartered
i seek happiness
i want to be smarter

i'd rather it not
have a price
can't be bought
but happiness
past present
all i sought
all i seek
just had a dream
and in the future
i see
happiness

gettin up
in the morning
thinkin about
why i'm so not
not not
happy
cuz all this ****
done had me
locked in a cage
of emotion
i'm chokin
but ****
haha
after while
i catch a quick breathe
of oxy
and generate something
better than hate
dancin around
in my house
havin the most fun that i've ever had
by my *******
self

doing my first molly pill
at dragon con
and seeing u get into my car
all gothed out
i was like
man what the hell
but u carried it well
stepping out of the girl
taking a second glance
couldn't help but look u up and down
and smile
and
****
thought faded out
to something else
but
i just wanna chill and listen to this music
and feel that
again
you know

when you want something you can't have
yet
you still feel like
you have it
so you forget
that it's not really yours
never really was
just a rental
to take for a spin
throughout this life
in the world

they raised us
to be different
and we are
to be proud
because weird
is definitely
a good thing

these problems u got
or supposedly have
aint even that bad
just remember that
when u miss her
and see her in your dreams
it aint always
exactly what it seems

oceans
flowers
stars
planets
all do
man
you're so beautiful
i just wish
i can forget you

i think it all started
in the beginning
when
we first got together
and did a few things
and then
like
i guess
i didn't really love you like that
or something
i dunno
i just think about
my insecurities
and how i couldn't hide them anymore
and it was self destructing
containing
some sort of anger within
that must be let out
and when it finally did
all those suppressed emotions
came out
that's what i've done
so long
so long
so long
now we're all weird
right
but I made you laugh

still blazin
despite
staying awake
at night
looking off my balcony
into the sky
seeing the trees stand still
but me
you know
i made it through
even though
i still have to write this
cuz i still feel it
but it's getting hard to see you
cuz my eyes low
remember a girl i dated
told me
when her friend died
she smoked **** and watched jim gaffigan
all day
now it's me
doing comedy every night
making people laugh
forgetting about our pain
together
i feel like
when you smoke so much ****
you think about things more in depth
when they say
depends on how deep the heart break
is how long it's gonna last
i thought i'd get by fast
but i'm here
on this note book page
still blazin

stopped drinking alcohol
cuz i was crying
now i feel better
but there's still tears
supression
somehow
didn't happen
i don't know
what the problem is
guess it's just me
and this depression

she really ****** me up
and i barely even knew her
what the ****
happened
to me
that made me
this way
my childhood
was raised
inappropriately
i have a confession
i'm not even drunk
but i feel like
going to the bar
and not remembering
any of this day
just to know
that i can escape

thoughts and feelings
and prayers and healings
and ceilings in bedrooms
that i'm staring at
while railing
and holding onto the railing
as her legs are flailing
and she's moaning and screaming
but i'm still just thinking
about another girl
that i used to be with
used to please
and sleep with
under the covers
she kisses me
while i talk to my friend on the phone
i'm in so much bliss
and my stomach
is sending signals
to the rest of my body
and saying
here u go, feel good
i'm under the knife
the IV in my veins
it's flowing too strong
don't pull it out
because i won't be able to live
without it
****
****
****
I pull out
and bust
and lay there
silent
as the music plays
and the heavy breaths
she puts her hand on my chest
but i have no response
i just stare up straight
at the ceiling
with this same feeling
and the same thoughts
and prayers
and wishes
that the girl lying next to me
was someone different
but it isn't
and so
i live to see another day
and say goodbye
let her out the door
and head back
to my life
which i thought
would be nice
if i took a break
and had this other girl
to sleep with
like that would solve all my problems
but they're still here
waiting
and the drug is gone
luckily
i'm still breathing
another night
another sound
another girl
but still not her
so i still feel
this same way
man
i can't wait
til i see the day
that my new love
rescues me away
from this empty

it's hard to wake up in the morning
when you see someone in your dreams
that you miss so much
but you don't even see them
you just see a friend
at the door
in front of a dark room
and he says
Ben,
we're glad you came to Atlanta
It's a great city
and behind him
in the room
is her
but you can't see her
it's pure darkness
but for some reason
you know she's in there
and the door closes
and it's 12PM, your phone alarm is going off
and you gotta get up for work
and the song plays
on the way
that reminds you
of all the days
that made you feel this way

I sit at my desk
and I just want to shed so many tears
until work is over
so it makes me tired
and I can go back to sleep
and see
what she was doing in there
and why she leaves me
every time I wake up

another day, another night, another dream
it's me
waking up
to another day
with memory
I just keep thinking
about
the feelings
that I had
and the way
she made me feel
I thanked her
I said
Thank you
for making me feel this way
and goodbye
but
I never really did
escape
and to this day
even though she's gone
I still feel her presence
I'm at work, trying to type, and focus
in my cubicle
but tears keeps falling
so loosely
I hope no one sees
but I hope everyone feels
at some point
the way I did
becuase I tell you
you can never replace it
or feel anything like it
god ******
I can't
get rid of this
feeling
it's just with me
each day
I wake up
and see it again
feel it again
it chases me in my dreams
and stays with me as I sleep
it's a fleece of fabric
that I cannot remove from me

Jesus where are you?
R u there?
Where in heavens have you been?
Waiting for me?
I'm here

Communication
is a two way street
but we're under construction

I'm ready to talk but first...
but first...
I gotta play

You'll have
even more to tell me
after that
right?

Let's talk
another day

Poetry and *******
to stay in the same frame
of mind
try to advance
in time
and wonder how I'd feel
if things were no longer real
and didn't matter

Depression happens
even when success happens
in succession

I'm on a level that
I can't get off
the earth
or the depths of a ******* bathroom

coke cleans the pallet
where's the man with the mallet
heart attack
is like a black
hole in my soul
I'm a troll under a bridge
or a sith
star wars
and easy ******
come together
**** my jedi sword
and get lost in that labyrinth
her ***** I swim

til I get home
and realize
that despite making people laugh
i'm all alone
seeing images of chrome
i'm in my zone
suicide keeps callin me
on my mobile phone
friends turn foe
round the globe I roam
the oceans white foam
sky so blue
for a moment
I forget I'm feeling blue
in a sense that
I can't comprehend
whether or not
dollars and cents
and payin rent
will get my sent
2 heaven
so I do drugs
2 forget
wait til I wake up
nobody home
back 2 the show I go
buckle my seat
and pray for good health
on the interstate belt
I'm on the road
to hell

Prayers and wishes, are what get you through, healing souls, long or short talks, laughs, distractions, interactions, with new people, that you'll meet, and make you forget, but it slips in, you think, on accident, about something, and you know what it is, and you don't even let it get that far in your mind.

It's like the images are disappearing, the memories fading, and you are growing into a new human being that you never thought you'd be. But it's still the same old you. Just doing what you do, consistently. Writing in this blog, and typing poetic things about human beings that hurt feelings, and make things happy and joyous and so very blissful, trist filled, adventures, and late night writes because I couldn't help but stay awake at night, in excite.

Ah yes, the days that I miss, not really, I was so in bliss, now out, realize, that it's so hard to do that, those things, and enjoy so much, when the reality it brings is only suffering. Love lose live again and all that **** over and over, another fallen soldier, or a flower bloomed, planet spinning faster than before, volcanoes ready to explode, and all sorts of feelings inside, that I want to bring into the world, as the me who has been transformed by love.

everything else can really wait
honestly
all i feel is pain
in the vein
in vain
or not
**** these reigns
of emotion
that have control over my mind
this horse i ride
gonna break thru the fence
and crush everybody
shining
with a wave of love behind me
gleaming
forget what everyone thinks
this **** i feel
make it stink
when u walk by me
that's all i can see
is smiling faces
people who appreciate
what i feel
been through
but
still
i hide
cuz
what is my pain
to theirs?
we're all trying to get by
we do it together
pain for pain
let's move forward
they don't even know it

The other day
I was jerking off to ****, right?
and
I'm in mid stroke
watching this ***** get banged
by some dude with a ****
that he slangs
in and out
all this nasty ****
got her *** spread open
dove in
lookin creepy
with this goatee
nasty *** *******
and her
got those eyes
that u can stare in forever
and still see nothing
but she got a body
who knows where her soul went
and as I'm getting mine off
watching these two ***** get off
these thoughts creep off
in my head
and I stop
and think
for a minute
the **** am I doing?
why do I have to need this?
to survive?
clicked play
and continued
and finished
stopped the video
and then thought the same thoughts
that I thought
when I first pressed pause

This in fact is a reminder
to let you folks know
that I've been here
the whole ******* time
Okay????
You feel meeeeeeeeeeee?
This whole time
I've been here
thinking
about what I'm gonna do next
not really sure
trying to drown out the alcohol
and tell it
not to **** with me anymore
cuz it's really starting
to **** my head up
making me drowsy
sobby
crying like a lil *****
depressed
**** that
no time for that
it's my life
and there's a little switch
in myself
you feel me?
that I can turn on
you hear me?
and realize
that this **** is me
and my life
and the control system
must take charge
must figure out
how I can do this
carefully
and corecctly
without losing sight
of who I am
and trying to be
sometimes I stray
off the path
but **** it
I'm back
so get ready
for this ****
cuz I'm not ever
giving up
and I don't give a ****
if you care or you don't
you either get on
or get off
either way
I'm getting off
so **** u
and all who doubted
I'm staying in this ****
til it's over
and when is that?
up to me
I'm gonna live forever
every second I live
I'm gonna make a year
every year I live
an eternity
so get ready
it's never over
and I'm just getting started

My sister loves me
when I see her
she hugs me
then later
she texts me
and says
how's the job
do you need money
come see my children
Wes and Sully
Here's my husband
wonderful man Shaun
works very hard
sweat in palm

Family values
what I desire
want a child
of my own
under the warmth
of a nice home
sweet mother
caring lady
I know she'll get along well
with my sister
I miss her
cuz I haven't met her
when I do
I'm gonna be so proud
Hope I have a daughter
and she gets to meet my mother
hope I can teach her
to be just like her
and my sister
hope we stay together
family picnic
I miss it
cuz I don't have it
but no panic
time will stamp it
when it is right
til then
I stay patient
and learn from those
doing it right
I try to help
prepare myself
for the love I'll do
sacrifice
and sweat
for the future
family
that's all I want
to say
goodnight, sleep tight
daddy loves you

Another beautiful day in the neighborhood
anything wrong
feels so good
whatever I can get my hands on
I'll do it
anything without a ******
I'll ***** it
pass the blunt
cremate it
big body rotting
my family knows
that i'm in trouble
life I lead
full of sin
grab a pen
and a 40
it's early
but I'll drink
til I'm 40
time approaches
what have I done
with my talents
my pain
spread out into a million pieces
like rain
til I'm deceased
I need peace
can't find it in a substance
yet still I trust this
to be the life I know
no drugs consumed
can make me grow
into who I need to be
another casualty of life
my mind is not right
cuz I feel like
getting high is a joy
and that's not right
the answers aren't found
when in alcohol I drown
my sorrows
they always find a way to breathe
underwater

the isolated thoughts
that stray
as i drive home
after a quiet dinner
on a sunday
i think about the future
and where she is
the past
and who she was
all the evils that i felt
all the loneliness i feel now
the sadness from the loss
the acceptance
the grievance
the not so good goodbyes
the late night cries
the wallows
the shakes
feeling like
i'm never gonna make it
but i still get up
and i still strive
i still go up
go out
i still communicate
and love
and feel
i live harder now
cuz it's so real
and that's why i'm thankful for
the pain i feel

i had all this hope inside my head
u know
it's hard to get over it
it's really hard to get over
but as time goes by
you make better decisions
with what to do with your mind
where you let it travel
avoiding the unravel
please
please
let me
feel peace
cuz this **** inside
won't cease
i gotta stop drinking
cuz i cry
and the *****
goes by
and runs dry
and it's just me
again
and my pain
who waits for me
on the front porch
in the bed
when i wake up
in my dreams
never stops
always creeps
wanna get some sleep
but i miss her so much
i miss her touch
miss her cheeks
the way her skin smelled
****
****'s ****** up
heart break
is a *****
i'll be okay
gonna keep lovin away
the love that was reject
i project
towards u
and the new
people i meet
who need to smile

when people communicate
we don't always tell the truth
and try to say things that throw them off the scent
of what we are really thinking
sometime's it's obvious
what we're really thinking
and the difference between that
and what we're saying
is astronomical
stars and space
and the earth
it's the difference between the moon
and the sun
one rises
goes round and round
one stays the same
in one place
and we try to cover it up
the dark side
with sunlight
but people
can still eventually
see the shade
might not take much time
might take years
an eternity
an equator
whole lotta time
traveling around and around in circles
waiting for them to say something
that appears real
and honest
when will we let loose
and frequent the truth
inside of our head
hahaha
the fear says no
no way
it's too scary
too funny
too insane
people will think i'm crazy
maybe
but if we act all the same
then who is really sane
all of us together
as one big unit
of sane people
sounds pretty crazy
what are we really saying
when we speak
what is it
we must teach
or learn
what will we earn
from the honest thoughts portrayed
as a sunray
into the dark
dont ever want to see the moon again

well i guess i'm going to stay here
write some more
keep myself awake
for a while
i'm at the airport
they don't have wi fi
yet all these ******* planes
landing and taking off
with their satellites
electronics
planes charging money for breathmints
pillows
yet
this ******* right here
can't sign on the internet
i can only see the limited version of the internet
which is only
the atlanta hartsfield airport website
it's the most boring website in the world
now i have to entertain myself
by checking flights
that aren't even mine
to feel like
i'm some sort of computer programmer
hacking into the system
changing people's flight information
that's the point that i'm at
with nothing exciting in sight
until 9am
when the bar starts serving alcohol

when u see the light
u start to feel the hate from outside
when **** gets dark
who's gonna be there
remember
despite the doubt
that hurts u
this pain is a memento
to remind u
of what we been thru
growing up as a child
goin wild
side by side
was u
my brother
my sister
i think of u
when i need to build
shoulder to lean
stayin clean
on the scene
regardless of the hate i see
i remember where i came from
who i am
and i not only do what i can
i do what i must
u always been there
for me to trust
thank u
i love

Things may change, the economy may rain, or I may make it rain, and go to strip clubs every night, living at the top floor of a sky rise. Nah thanks. I like to keep it among the people, that seek real wholesome things, and not just the evil humanity brings.

Understand what I'm saying when I write it? The pen is the plane and I am the pilot. I have an unlimited amount of sky mileage. But the baggage it brings to let your mind sing whatever it must sing. I'm sending signals out like a ping, blast your spyware and make the speakers of your computer ring. That's the bell to your house, and I just snuck out, so quick and so rapidly the cash that I count, from your bank account, which now has zero amount, but you'll always amount to something, I guess.

Success is something that brings more success, and life is like a ****** up game of chess, where not everyone has all the pieces, only start with a pawn, before they know it that **** is all gone, create a masterpiece with whatever you must, learn to trust, learn to bust, and understand completely and logically that without you there would be no me.

All one in the same, the blood not the gang, the spirit inside, the look in the eye, will tell you the truth, face to face man to man, who is really out there? Who is in there. A line in the sand. A line on this poem, a wish and a can. Goodnight, no fright, only good dreams tonight.

feelings must be communicated
to be specific
the rivers of thought are deep like the pacific
thoughts are like the wind
that make the walls of the mind quake
and crash against the sand
a tsunami it can bring
if not groomed properly
accurately
and carefully
be at peace with the storm
find the right rain
to keep your ocean healthy
and flowing
without pollution
stop consuming
the unnecessary thoughts and habits of love
that become infatuation
fly away like a dove
or a seagull caught in a hurricane above sea
it didn't listen to his friends
and they left him to be
taken control of by something too strong
now he is left with sweat in his palm
hoping for the day
praying for a way
for someone with a preserver
to deliver him from pain

Where r u
as of now or later in a past or present time r u aging like fine wine or r u inclined to melt down at the spine

letting go of resentfulness
and regret
and shame
and all those things that you bring
when you break
and think and think and think
stay awake late at night
and say stupid things
and punch the headboard of your bed
as you think about all that went wrong
if it aint wrong it aint right
if it aint rough it aint right
be okay
with the pain
and take away
the anger
breathe
and enjoy your life
be blessed
no one knows how u changed
especially if they were with you
people go through phases
of life with u
don't matter
to them
they're your friend
always be there
phone call away
whether you go afloat
they know you'll come back
in a day
the difference time makes
and change
is inevitable
when it snows or it rains
the flower blooms
and dies again
and again
life is like
something i can't describe
if i tried to make a million metaphors

if you stop following the rules
they say you have disorder
even if it's just a little bit
and they can't pinpoint who you are to them
borderline personality disorder
everything's either evil, or good
people are placed in categories
to the extreme
then it calms down
it's called
hyper mood swing
bi polar
tri polar
quadruple by pass aint savin me
**** the rules
manic impressive
your diagnosis is depressive
can't handle a little love
a little chat
a little quiet
some existence
you can't see
or feel
hyperbole turned real
is a psychopath's mind
errrr
i'm like a dog on a leash
waitin to bite
the first ******* i see
if he acts up

****
if you're having them with someone
who is talking **** about your family
making judgements
telling you that you're conceited
and you never listen

comedians are so cocky
she'll say
with that **** coming out of her mouth voice

and now i'm here
by myself
still listening to her
and she's not even ******* here
why the **** do i do this to myself
wake up
and think
and stay awake last night
and think
had a drink
two, three
then i was like
i'm leaving this bar
this is ******* stupid

becuase the more i drink
the more i feel
like this

is it still the alcohol?
i can't tell the difference anymore
**** her

the opposite of love is indifference
and i remember the signs
"who even cares?"
in an email
and the reason she didn't call me
"it wasn't important"
i'm not important

why do i still care
why am i left here
having these thoughts
by myself
in an isolation
and she's out
living
and forgetting
and not feeling
what i feel

what lesson did she learn
about the bridge she burned

and the tears fall
it's stupid
i can't get out of it

but yes i can
there is hope
but first i gotta write about it
because
i have to write about something
and i have't been able to write about anything
because i'm scared
that i'll open it back up

**** that
i learned my lesson
eat this **** up
and spit it back out
like **** coming out of my mouth
but the opposite of love isn't hate

why am i here again?
why do i feel this way?

take pleasure take pain
but feel okay
tomorrow is a better day

i'm tired of being desperate
i'm tired of being broke
i'm tired of trying to get a nasty ***** to choke
i'm tired of saying hey come over
i'm tired of saying want my number
i'm tired of this and that
the game
i've had it
with it
it's ******* ridiculous

a stress i don't need
i got other worries
like how i'm gonna feed
the kids i meet
when my wife conceives
and where is she
this whole time
why isn't she with me

i haven't met her
which is *******
cuz i have
in a dream
she opened the door for me
maybe that's what i need
or what i want
i keep dwelling
and not being thankful
for what i got

i don't get it
it's repetitious
it stays within me
most nights
some days
i feel empty
like there's something missing
an image
of a woman
in the bed next to me
coming over to kiss me
goodnight
and laying her head on my chest
i miss it

she was just a replacement
for the real thing
that's coming shortly
to a theatre near me
but every theatre i play
i look in the crowd
and say not today
cuz no one comes up and talks to me
at least not her

where's she at?
where'd she go?
how far in time do i have to travel
to get her

will it be when i'm 85
on my death bed
i'll look over across the room
and see a cutie whose life is gloom
i'll reach over and touch her hand
and together we will be again

the girl i saw in my dream
only knew her for a day
but at life's final moments
we held our hands and prayed
and lifted off into the sky
together
just how i saw it in the dream

Why is it
That at night
I feel like I have to write

I did this all day
but I still have words
I'd like to say

Things I want to hear
new feelings I have to learn

I stay awake
I lay
pizza cigarette ****
calling me

more I intake
the less I make
myself feel better

If I can write a letter
to my troubled past
tell me the future's here
and it kicked my ***

I'll always remember those days
that I stayed awake
because my pen
had something else to say

As I was trying to break free

She said to me

"I just think humans should be able to co-exist peacefully"

co exist
please
*******
no drama
no peace
or being a lady

when your existence is shady

the real existence
the one u been hiding

is chaos

so if u wanna live peacefully
please
dismiss
yourself

from seeing me

then i'll feel better
knowing you're gone

i breathe easily