late at night
i lay in bed
feelings and all
images in my head
want to forget
keep thinking thoughts
that aren't healthy
on a path to insanity
peace is what i seek
of what i get
mindful
no more regret
painful
i don't want to dwell
in this deep well
of down

fabric i must flee
remove my clothing
and fleece
i'm on the ground
praying to god
holding myself
the anger within
the silence
ignore
so painful
hard to forgive
very hard to forgive

gonna take long time
to feel right again
so this thing i have
i must use it
pour out soul and heart
rip everything apart

don't want to freak out
flashbacks deranged
crazy dog
trapped in a cage
so filled with rage
i cannot explain
how this feels
other than by

flipping a couch
slamming my phone
screaming
crying
holding myself
on the couch

walk into the room
and feel
like i gotta strip
naked to feel
clean
i'm so *****
controlled by emotion
withdrawing from the withdrawal
of the person
who does not love me

nothin wrong with a **
but where's the one that's gonna blossom
and grow
into something substantial
other than ***** chasin financial
tryin to get extravagant

******* gonna do
what they choose
when will they see
the news
is old

when they get less attractive
and try
to lock up
with whoever stayed with them
or happens to be there at the time
some do it in an instant
with an instinct
i don't know what they are thinking
in their minds
what makes them so hard
to get inside
and see what it's like
to be them
why they feel like
they can't trust me
with their thoughts
their heart
their prayers
and wishes
why do they play tricks on me

maybe they play tricks on themselves
and i get to be the trick
used up
passed back
spit out
but a real woman will stand up
and see a man
made
branded
and ready to conquer
anything in the world
she gonna come along for the ride?
is she scared?
never
she'll say
and i'll say
**** right
there she is

you know what someone who thinks they are a player is
someone who is out of touch with self
and have a lack of understanding of who they really are
but they aspire to be
is someone
who plays a game
until someone
flips the board upside down
and the player is left there
face to face
with reality
and the train has to keep moving
either get off or get on
take a picture while you're here
look in the mirror
and let it capture
the moment in time
for a second
who do u see

And stop reading this.
Find something better to do.
I am no longer important to you.

Find someone else to play with, to find amusement with.
You think it's fun be admired and hated and written about.
Find someone else to torture, to **** with, to watch them desire you, only to fall short.

You know where he is, he's waiting for you.
As he always has been.
Whenever you need to fall back.
Just go see your other man.

If these words have ever hurt you, or ever made you feel better, you deserve it.
You deserve it all. So go get what you want.

Stop bothering with me, I'm on my own time, in my own world, I can easily vanish.
And you will no longer see, or get to read, or receive the fruits of my labor.
Go **** with your other man, he's waiting for you.

You did so many things together growing up.
You say you aren't sleeping with him.
But you're not saying that you haven't slept with him.

You hate him.
You love him.
You don't love him.

Then why are we still talking about him?

When you get scared at the train station and need someone to talk to. Don't call me. Don't read this. I won't be able to help. That's the role for your other man.

Call him.

The one who gives you the emotional support you really need.
The two of you. Together. So sweet.
I saw it in the pictures, that you didn't want me to see.

The looks in your eyes.
Then I saw it in a dream.
I saw his face in my head
As we were having ***
And then woke up
with a sick feeling in my stomach.

It's like I needed something to eat, to fill me up. To get rid of that feeling.

I needed to get breakfast.

Hmm.

Maybe I'll pick some up for both of us. And bring it to your job. The job that I ******* you over at. The place where I worked for you and then totally ****** you over, just like you predicted I would..remember how I ****** you over at your job?

That was crazy, wasn't it? You should have never trusted me. Remember that? When I ****** you over?

That was so terrible.

I'll come there. I'll bring you breakfast.

Ah wait. No.

Someone already brought it.

Your other man.

Go **** with him.

And read something else.

i dreamt that
there were two funerals
and it was out in some place
in the country
i thought she would come
like she said she would
but she didn't
i kept lookin at my phone
and got nothin
and i said
i should call her
yeah i still got her #
i think it's time
and the dude that works
at the gas station across the street
was in my dream
and he said no ben
it's not what it seems
now is not the time
do not call
the rest is a blur
and i woke up
and i'm wondering
why?
why?
why won't she be there when i need her?
i guess i'll never know
and that's the last thing she told me
before she had to go
i said where were you?
why didn't you call?
and she said
you will never know

stop reading my ****
go make money
if u wanna be a baller
quit reading this ******* honey
they're not just gonna call u
u gotta get up get out and get it
enough of the *******
oh i wanna do this and that
wanna make a certain amount of money by then
this time
when?
which line?
of coke did u snort
that made u think
this **** came easy
u can float real breezy

like
i'm gonna make a million dollars
but first
let me head to the bar
grab lunch
go to the library
read a book
call my friends
play online
flirt
and think about boys

nah girl
get the **** out
and get it
all that ****
get rid of
friends, family, they'll be there, but they will change
to support you in the way
u need to grow
a million dollars my ***
u havent gotten off your ***
that fast
to get to work

receiving hand outs
from rich families
hoping to inherit
something that isn't yours
i guess those are your gifts
a gift of gifts
given to u your whole life
all you do is receive
receive
receive
receive
but that will never teach
how to take it

let the burn drive inside
if u really want it
you'll **** for it
steal for it
connive and bargain
try and try
beaten down, boo'ed, buried alive
but you strive
no such thing as no
never an impossible
no such thing as never
so go get it
u dont have forever

people need to look themselves in the mirror
when they don't understand
you got some feelings for them
that they could never understand
why don't they see the reflection
of what pours out of your soul
why do they only see a shell
and think it's only gold
when underneath lies coal
lava
hot fire
deep
and burning
but they be like
nah he's okay
he barely even likes me
but you keep dreaming
waking up from your sleep
thinking about them
why?
why is it like this?
why am i still in a dream?
why did the dream end?
what is going to happen to us?
will there ever be us?
or will it only be in my dreams?
i think i just think romantically
with imagination
and i think about
everything all working out
you know
because
it will
it's not going to end badly
maybe my sister was right
maybe my view of the world
and relationships
and life
is twisted