nobody
exists
for anyone
else.

sometimes
you can hear someone's heart
speaking
but you cannot
understand
what it is saying.

sometimes
you can hear someone's heart
speaking
and you grasp it
better than words
could convey
it feels so right
when this happens.

I had a dream
you and I stood leaning over
a wooden railing
gazing at the ocean
the scene was colored like
a vintage movie
and the wind was
playing with our hair
you smiled at me and
I touched you
it felt like a future.

I am proud
to be
an American Woman.

I know the drumbeat
and rush
of my body
all too well
heart speaking
electric hands
utter joy
anticipation
and, as always, dread
of collapsing
this feeling never ends well.

The words have left my head
The words used to slide through my fingers
Now I simply sit
on a blue couch
Thin spread velvet, with strips of dark
Shaggy beside me, warm and white
The fluff of his fur, morning delight
I sent my sister links to dresses
Fashioned by snotty-nosed children
And class is done, class is over
And four hours to go and class is over again
And work is over, and work comes again
I dream of airplanes
Thrusting into the dawn air, at first cutting a line
Like the ten of swords out of the sky
Then curling, wings falling over themselves
Somersaulting into clouds, cold and white
Cumulus fluff, morning delight
A pilot, in control and out of control
And in control again
Always curving, sailing, glinting
Occasional apprehension of fatal mistakes
Fatality, fatality
Life sliding out of you like the words
Paint me sky blue with dark strips
Dress me in white fashion
Somersault me through the sky

I am
teaching
myself
to
roll with it.

a man living in a Samburu village
must have strength and grit
a young man will be circumcised
in front of other villagers
he must hold dignity through the pain
lock every muscle
completely still
if he so much as winces
he will bring disgrace upon his family.

when a man comes of a certain age
people make it their business
to find him a wife
if the man is traveling
in a nearby village
and happens upon a delightful young woman
he must bring this news
back to his parents
who will make the decision.

if the parents agree
he will supply the young woman
with gifts of:
one camel
four or five goats
and seven or eight cows
unless the woman is special
then she might receive
two camels.

once a man is settled
with his first wife
he may find more wives
sometimes up to eight wives
or more.

each wife may bear about five children
while the children are young
the man may not know
the names of the children
or which mother they came from.

Do you want to live in stone?

we all made daisies
we presented them to the class

their daisies were
blinding white and
butter yellow

my daisy was
scorched

their daisies were
small and slight

my daisy was
big and awkward

when their daisies lifted their heads
mine cowered in shame

I made a hundred more daisies, quite like the first.
a compost pile assumed the space
beneath my desk

out of it
grew a garden.

He said
My oufit was
Basic
It was an insult
You are supposed to be
Yourself
As long as you remain
Different
You are supposed to prove
Authenticity
By making decisions based on
What other people
Are doing

A woman sits at a wooden table
Elbows on the trailing lace tablecloth
She takes a silver spoon
She mixes sugar into coffee
And glances at the plump yellow moon.

"Where is the snow?"
She asks a mouse
As it slides under her arthritic feet,
Disappearing between two floorboards.

There is a bundle of letters beside her.

With a sigh she selects a quill
From a deep desk drawer
And dips it in sloppy ink.
She writes:

The night spreads its cloak around my house
I have no use for the day
When the moon draws my feathers out
They sprout
From my skin
Gold-tipped and I always knew
I always knew they were there
I knew all along
You will miss the way my songs
Always ended in a whisper
My sleep always ended in a deep set chest pang
Your hand was soft at the back of my neck
And I no longer have use
For the skin
That keeps this rage in
That keeps this jealousy in
I will spit it into the snow
So the light inside me can grow
And you will see only
The resilient flutter of my wings
Outside your window.

It is the last letter.

With delicate, bony fingers
She pulls the strings about her envelopes
like a spider weaving a web

Glancing once more through the window
she smiles as the first graceful snowflakes
descend from the sky
takes her bundle outside
and tucks it away

In the morning a bird is seen
fluttering quietly out of sight;
it may have been a trick of the light.

I am
finding it
difficult
to be here.

I wish you could
try on
every piece of clothing
I own
and then put it back
I'd have
one month
of you.

I want to
fill the empty parts of people
when I am around them
and take these parts with me
when I leave
so that
people will be unable
to exist
without me
(power)

He said that I was the day
And you were the night
You nodded, I was flattered
But then
You were unprepared for my sun to set
The darkness behind my eyes
Full of galaxies
You would not allow yourself to see
Friend of mine
Let me revel in your light
Let yourself dance in my darkness
I didn’t know how to say it
So you pulled back in disdain
Afraid to see the mysteries unraveling in me
Said I was weak
For weeping
‘Cause you were born with
A steel throat and steel behind your eyes
Life is a blaze
You thrash through the world
Believing so strongly that you are in control
Unattached
Iron beneath your skin
You wanted me to be light
You wanted to take a feather
From my wings
To brush your skin on mine
Take it with you into the black
So unprepared were you for the sunset, the galaxies, the dancing
That I may not be flying above you
But sliding beneath
Ever soft, in love with my own night
You are afraid to accept all that I could give
Will never see my sunrise
‘Tis a shame: how lovely it will be!

when you eat
too much dessert
you feel sick

there is still a taste
in my mouth
that does not belong to me.

dung beetles
are my favorite beetle
because I feel like
giggling
when I see one.

jeweled eclipse
a hole that splits
the universe rips
into pieces
patch together
the folds your t shirt
shoulder sleeve holes
tender skin
leave again
the seasons change
you are so bright/I cannot see your shadow
leaves somersault
into darkness
your chair is empty

fade
fade out
I have
no idea
how it's supposed to be
real
unreal
shift in
and out
now will it only
fade out
now will we only hear
ringing silence
what will be remembered
was it once supposed to be
how will it feel
after our time
has faded out?

I want fast
fast and all-in
and then completely over
like the trailer
of an action film
like the crash
of a jet plane
like a man
spearing a fish
in the belly
I want fast
like a dream
you are flung
into a canyon
flames on your skin
and you wake up
inches before you hit
you wake up
panting

She is too kind to me
And never seems too careful
She must think I am cut even
She must be blind to the stripes behind my hair
I forget the dark locks that crown her lovely face
She does not ask me any questions
But gazes
Will address two topics
Two only!
The mountains and the shut-down
She is too familiar
She is too close to saving a part of myself I thought was lost
All the work to retrieve it alone
But quick smiles are so enticing
I could give into it
Let her take me to coffee
Ground the space behind me
I don’t really want her
That voice so easy in my head
They all say she speaks in sweet music
I could learn to depend on coffee
But I am not lost
(Perhaps)
But she is shaped like the other one
I thought I’d lost

Twist and reconcile
Abort and capsize
An abundance of wishes
Sparkling on the water
and in the water
and inside the water.

Lay me down within the summer
Dress me up in fruit
Pink cheeks, plump legs, saturated skin, crimson mouth.

Did you know you can have winter and summer, together?
Icy eyes and warm weather
Did you know the branches stay at the top of the tree?
Out of reach of lustful limbs that long to swing.
(You may be an artful dodger but you can’t dodge this.)

Trees bear fruit in the summer
Fruit springs from shedded jeans and ripens and grows rosy.

The trees will droop and the fruit will be digested by the ground
When you have eaten too much and grown fat the winter will come.

The cold will bring only hunger and the crunch of your warm head in the snow.

he said
we were
going to be
uncomfortable.

when you wrap around yourself
stretch too wide
you are thrown back inside
the stone closes behind you
from the outside
it looks like a tomb
but inside
it is warm and soft like
laundry coming out
of the dryer
people wonder where you've gone
their eyes search your vacant expression
they cannot
touch you.

however any situation goes
however important it seems
at the time
however afraid you are
just remember
whatever life takes from you
it always fills the space with something lovely
afterwards
your life will be full
it's okay to be scared
but as real as that feeling is
so will the feeling of complete wholeness
be.

how often
I catch myself
wondering
what I am
supposed to get
out of this

sorry
if i embarrassed you
i was just
trying it out.

i wish
he would be my friend
again
but he does not call
and he will not answer
i wait
as the snow builds itself
into the pavement
i wait
while my mind ties itself in knots
don't want to spend
every moment
in your world
just want the option
not to be alone

In Iceland
I once saw a rainbow
that seemed
temptingly close.
It graced its way
over the dark water
and seemed to land
in a pile of ocean rocks.
Full of foolish humor and anticipation
I braced against the wind
and ran along the shore
to seek it out.
Upon reaching the rocks
I found that the rainbow
had slipped
twenty feet away
in a seamless blend
of reflection
and refraction
and high light.

in our room
she watches beauty videos
sponsored by beauty sellers
there is so much you can put on your skin
while I hide you in the pages
of my schoolbooks
eat ahead
(chocolates behind paper doors)
and ponder
the back and forth motion of the life
the sea, the sun, the ***, the wind
the back and forth that has no end
and you are back
and my whole life is back
I wait for it all to come forward again

in the middle of your soul
I have heard you find
the way
I have lived in the comfort
of divine silence
which is why
rolling hills
dark caves
children's books
water
reflects myself back to me.

jellyfish
and thoughts of
jellyfish
cheer me up.

she said light switches
ran all the way down
the inside of her body
and you somehow
turned them all up
at the same time

I like the way
lizards
shimmy up the wall.

I close my eyes and sit up almost straight enough
Count to four and eight and seven
Slowly sink to the wider blacker bottom
Feel butter soft and pleasant
And ask if I really deserve to feel
Sink into bliss forever and forget

Good morning I’m a visitor in your world
Do you even have mornings here
I didn’t mean to intrude
What are you doing for the greater good
What are you doing for the greater good

Nothing so far I’m doing nothing
But sitting and not listening
And not listening for most of my days
How do I help them, all they do is change

A certain time was allotted to him
I took all his harsh qualities and embodied them
I’m selfish and insecure and sorry
It’s okay it’s okay honey don’t worry

What are you doing for the greater good
If they sit shoulder to shoulder all the wars end
I can and I will and I would
Be a better me and a better friend

When I awoke
In the back of his car
I closed my eyes for
The fifteenth, hundredth time
Was afraid of splintering supernovas,
Smashed metal
Was afraid for my body
Was afraid of the heat center in my chest
Watched the rain watercolor tones of grey
On the car windows
Encapsulated, fetal
Wound still raw
Body shaking with affection
Trust and damp windows
Mellow and trust
Trust and music
Grey-toned streaming
Grey-toned banner way
Unwashed hair
Tender smiles
Car ceiling
Promises

I kissed the season
And turned to the curtain
French music in the garden
A man combs his hair with a wooden brush

Souvenirs in boxes
Little pieces of sunshine carried in my purse
I wonder if he is sitting on my love

Man wandering in optical pants
She is strange
It is okay to feel like this

When a storm lifts my heart
Am nowhere but here
Every moment is too familiar
I am not afraid anymore

People painted white
I think I was homeless in a past life
With a leg up in the sun
All kids are homeless
They sleep with the butterflies

I have to go buy a bottle of oil
Maybe that’ll solve all my problems
I’ll let u know how it goes

the people here
seem most at home
in brightly colored clothing
fierce men casually strut in hot pink
women weave maroon and mustard yellow
into their hair
the deepest skin
brings to life
the most saturated of shades.

here there is a layer of dust
beneath the air
it settles into our nostrils
under our fingernails
into the creases of our foreheads

boys kick it up with soccer *****
girls carry it beneath their *******
houses hold it with their roofs
the trees are at one with it
the sun is hazy

it is difficult to sing
but we try

part of me really digs this place
the straw roofs and whitewashed walls
the girls in their long painted skirts
the sand in the arches of my feet
the internet's up you try to tell me things
the seeds hanging from the lamp
every ant crawling up my shirt that Annette
with her tiny hands tried to brush off
tea in the morning, tea in the evening
when I grow up I shall live
in a tea palace

I have always liked pistachios
because you have to
crack them open.

I am surprised I can remember
the smell of you
how sweet and fresh and neon
like the space that was filled by it
how close our faces stayed
how long did we last
how I didn't want to leave
how we could have stayed and grown filthy
like your floor
if we had remained
our mouths may have done too much
my teeth may have turned the color of your hair
your skin may have become
layered

your bones should have crushed mine
but instead we grew supple
I thawed like ice
you floated down me
mud mixed into the water
bears and elk bathed in us
and the surface became clouded
with dark fur and foam
you sunk your head and tasted
the blood of the elk and the ***** of the bear
I remember your hands were still smooth and soft
and I was not afraid but still shuddered
like a tiny animal

the east path cut out through
the blackberries and nettles leads back there
so does the trail of raisins from the south
and the thunder clapping coordinates from the north

I gathered my things and headed west
where I won't feel the porcupines on your chest
or see the dappled forest floor in your eyes
the river coursing through this place
has no elk or bears
the lips of the boys here taste of smoke and wet cement

now I remain
clean
alone
nestled in my own beauty
like a goldfinch preening
not one of the fat sparrows that
hopscotch on these sidewalks

I know what you're doing
I know her eyes are growing crusty
your hands make knots out of her hair
your bodies grow tired from the rhythm
of pressing together
her feet are bigger than mine
her smile glossier
you will not find otters living behind her ears

Perhaps I will see you anyway
in the winter I will wear a charcoal snowcoat
you will lift me from behind and I will squeal in surprise and delight

Outside my window people sing hymns on the street.

All this is here for you
We float and make a mirror of you
Hey little one did you talk too fast
Hey little one did you try to take it out of my mouth

Sorry I knew you were on the phone
I roll my eyes and put in the back again
Would you make it about me
For a night and forever or I’ll love you in space
I’ll love you in thousands of miles

They make it about you and so will you
Choose to do what you choose to do
And choice is loss by nature it’s a scale
So be analytical weigh what you’ll gain

I can’t keep coming back here
Every time the weather seems frozen
And the dust is stranded in the air
The rain is confused about where to fall

I ripped my shirts down the chest
Blackened the lids of my eyes
And life never seemed hastier
And I put my face in the street

Did you take me with you when you left
And leave some pain in my place
Is that why I get so distressed
When they ask me what I’m gonna do next

They pile up in the dented wall
It was I who braved a tragic fall
Into the ocean that sparkles and bounds
Till you’re forced through the surface and drown

I know you’ll be back but not forever
I know you’re too dumb and too clever
They’ll fill you up until tomorrow
And then you’ll find me in your sorrow

I know you will
Hold me by my favorite tree
And tell me I’ll always be
The friend you want in your life
The one you’ll make your wife

the goat was completely alive
and then it was completely lifeless
if there was an in-between
I could not tell where it ended
or began.

She says she loves her boyfriend
And me and her are ‘just friends’
But every time we do it
She’ll break up with him again
Then I get all freaked out
And they get back together
And it goes on like that
Forever and forever

Never mind, did I tell you about the guy
Who walked in smelling like a stranger
Wanna buy him rose of Jericho
He’ll probably keep it forever
And I got a case of something
That’ll probably go undiagnosed
Yeah, I'm like everyone that way
Yeah, I'm like everyone that way

My backside hugging the grass cushion
His face above mine
Flushed like a child

Quick motion
He somersaults over my stomach
Landing awkwardly on the other side

Distracted boyish grace
Has my eyes closed
Has me frozen, like the seed I lay waiting

Once closing the light
they tell us to find our fire in July
I said I was crazy
He said she was crazy
To step into something
that would ******* out "crazy" too
is something I would not do.

We have everything though
but not everything
or I would have stayed with him
brown eyes, white smile
said it would take me a while
and by "a while" I meant "never".

The time has come to close certain doors
To open my windows instead
Open my walls and extend the floors
There is no space for anybody else here
We fill it up so beautifully
When it rains we make patterns on the floor
When the eggs are swollen we crack them
Stack a heaping plate of crepes and eat them all ourselves.

There are no elevens here
only thirteens that spit at you from every corner
There are no apologies here
but there is forgiveness under every table
if you're willing to flip them over
There are no gardens here
but life sprouts its way through every crack
Trunks rise from the floor like silent thunder
Flowers bloom on the ceiling and in the corners
and on the tables.

We make messes here,
clean only on the new moon
or when the mood strikes
We plant poison poppies by the front door
and sweet lilacs by the back
We take everything and give nothing back.
We take everything and give nothing back.

We swing unshaved legs over the sides
of an enormous stained white tub
We dance without shoes or want of music
We squat to greet the cats that slink around books
and perch by candles
We find birds to sit on our shoulders
and sew wings out of silk.

the city is ripped
trees grow through the cracks
I extend my arm
until it rests
at home
on what is too solid to be moved
and too slow to be understood.

Leaves rustle like paper
I saw his body lump
over a street heater
I heard his voice cutting through the air

Halfway from the crosswalk,
a warm section of sidewalk
The lopsided blanket, he said,
was the roof over his head

So I sat with them
late that night
while one finished his joint
and the street grew quiet

He said the obscenity
came from his culture
He said his life
was all past and no future