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Aug 2015 · 589
august
Audrey Gleason Aug 2015
people who cry way too much know the signs of a breakdown like the back of their hands.
this is sort of like predicting a tsunami.
these people would be good at
forecasting the weather report
on channel nine action news
in the evening.
2015 was not a banner year for me
but lowering my expectations of life is no use because i wouldn't have anything to live for
in the morning
see in the winter
i survive because the weatherman tells me that spring
is on it's way.
my heart is still
heavy with icicles
my eyes are still
producing a sixth ocean
every other day
that my hands are tired of drying
because it loosens their grip on the future
i cling so tightly to
Audrey Gleason Jun 2015
from my window i can see our cloud
it is full of rain but frantically
running through the sky as if fire was after it
as if fire
beats water
if you think about the sun
you remember that it's made of fire
we forget that the sun is just another star
that offered to give us autographs
every summer on our skin
oh! sweet summertime,
splashing in ocean waves
or a five minute thunderstorm
i raise my smile to the sky and salute the clouds
whispering a reminder through the wind that the sun is nothing to be afraid of
or worshiped
it's just there, it's like all of us
we're just here
and i think the fact that we don't fall off the planet
even though we're sticking off of it sideways
is proof enough that we're doing just fine here
Apr 2015 · 529
saturday night, 10:38
Audrey Gleason Apr 2015
the prettiest girls are the deadliest
right?
we drowned our sorrows in counting the tomorrows that would have to happen before we got to that day
the alcohol i'm drinking is disgusting
but so am i
for kissing guys just for the fun of it
i paid the price for it
for a while i thought i was a misunderstood heroine in a young adult novel
but i'm the nemesis
i'm not the girl you want to dive into
i'm the girl you want to push off the pages
i'm not alaska
i'm more like wisconsin
approximately two people give a **** about wisconsin
i'm not happy right now
i don't know when i will be
but someone promised me i'm worth it
so i poured the rest of the disgusting alcohol down the drain
and i guess that's all
for tonight
Audrey Gleason Mar 2015
the best version of myself exists in clearance-nike-outlet-wear
pulling up hair made blonde by the sunshine
bending over tanned and strong legs
tying shoelaces
and laughing musical notes
willingly escaping genuine smiles
my tummy is strong then, but with soft edges
i'm proud because it's held my body together all these years
i'm proud because it will carry a mini human
someday
inside my head there are coloring books
sprawled across a playroom factory
and all the gears are turning and i'm functioning
i'm breathing
my heart is beating
and i'm not scared of eating girl scout cookies when i'm with my girls in clearance-nike-outlet-wear
i'm not scared to let laughs float to the surface
or hiccups
i'm not scared of anything at all
we're real together
and we have freckly runner legs
that love splashing in the puddles our tears make
we're not always gonna be together
we are always gonna be real
together
for natalie, carolyn, and mae
Audrey Gleason Mar 2015
it really fuqing ***** when people dismiss you.
there are two things that salt my spit
being underestimated
and being taken for granted
i know i'm not what you're demanding
but here's a fun fact
i'm me.
it's seeming like that's not enough these days.
i'm about one-point-seven anxiety attacks away
from packing my things and searching for a spot i belong;
i'm ninety-nine percent sure it's not here anymore.
don't bother saying you'll miss me
even if i screamed you wouldn't listen to me
Mar 2015 · 498
alison
Audrey Gleason Mar 2015
it's not a coincidence that our names both start with the best letter of the alphabet
after all i
always loved apples
(it's midnight but i haven't eaten since lunch because i was too busy gorging myself on poison jealous ivy to notice my stomach was turning itself inside out again)
you
always had a certain audacity
i look for sparks in people, and you had one
you deserved to wear the letter A as your lipstick
and when life kicked me in the *** you said gee don't these bruises ****
you showed me yours
we agreed that at least if it kicks us in the ***** we won't hurt
which made me laugh
you make me laugh
as many times as i breathe i think,
i wish i could have an E
but eudrey wouldn't make sense and neither would elison so can we freaking wear our A's like we we were meant to
i love ya kiddo
the scissors are pink like what my favorite color used to be
but now they're on the floor chillin like the villains they are because basic insert the face
i don't need them now
however shaky my self-love is
i'm doing this for you
Jan 2015 · 539
s
Audrey Gleason Jan 2015
s
i imagine your color to be a crystalline blue
clear and sharp, like truth
and beautifully complex, like the sea.
like the sea your brain waves flow in
intricate patterns and the tide
brings serenity to the shore
and out again
in
and out again
every now and then
i think about the way we'll look at each other
when we're twenty-three and living off of
not enough money, a few cups of coffee,
and maybe five hours of sleep
i think we'll be glowing
with flushed cheeks that come from the energy
of being the world
with bright eyes that come from
starting our lives
we might be broke
but not quite so broken
anymore.
see i've decided we can flip off the **** that happens to us
because hell even blair waldorf
stuck her fingers down her throat
in high school
and then made herself into a most exceptional
queen bee
so the tide comes in.
the beat goes on.
we breathe.
hear the air molecules rushing through your body
it's a race as they chase the carbon dioxide
the tide
comes in
it must have been the boat of good ideas
that brought us together and togibs
so i don't doubt that life is worth living,
at the end of the day.
i have you,
our souls
connected by this crystalline blue
i wrote a poem for you once
about it
Jan 2015 · 854
flowers.
Audrey Gleason Jan 2015
i was never a daisy.
i dislike the term "dainty"
and i'm tainted with dark and broken beauty.
instead of absorbing water i leak it
my knees go weak when my freakish mind is left behind
see my blue iris eyes don't always symbolize
faith and hope
like the iris flowers do
peonies can live through winters and bloom in the spring
but that's not really my thing and
january days can make me wither away under skies of gray
oh those nights oh those nights
i'll slay my own brain one of these
roses have thorns,
thorns have roses
but i wouldn't buy a bouquet of me
for fifty george washingtons
in this garden
held in by a white picket fence
you won't find me,
i promise.
tiger lilies have spots
on fiery orange petals
that grow wildly
not mildly
i was never a daisy.
or an iris rose peony
right now
i'm a tiger lily
because i'm inventing myself again.
but being a princess in neverland
means i never have to change again
so sleep tight, i just might have found me.
Jan 2015 · 513
green triangle
Audrey Gleason Jan 2015
the same dad who doesn't know how to spell my middle name
has me gather the trash every monday night.
it's trash night,
he says.
i woke up this morning with a pink ponytail holder on my wrist that wasn't mine
which someone must have used to tie my hair back
as i vomited half a bottle of ***** into that godforsaken porcelain bowl
which is to say that one way or another a&e; most definitely
took
new year's eve
and being drunk is fun but annie get your gun because you'll read about your laughy happy self in the news the next day and you'll want to shoot yourself in the head, honey you
made yourself trash night
if you give a mouse a cookie
if you give a girl anxiety
she's going to want a drink to go with it
but while drunk is temporary
sunk sure feels permanent
but so what
aud
you're at the bottom of the heap
you have broken bones and unknowns
you left people and pieces of who you thought you were behind
you can't find your way to wonderland lately and you're
shaking
because voices are calling you trash.
the same trash
that you collect on monday nights
but lil homie you're pretty **** recyclable
so you fell apart
put yourself together again, one more time
maybe one of many
don't use the same parts this time
or do
use whatever you choose
build her from legos and lilacs and laughter and after
wards if you breathe words into her she'll come right to life just like
she always does.
but you're not trash,
audrey nicole without an h
i don't care what you drink as long as you stop feeding
yourself lies like that.
you're not invincible, no.
but even with eighty pound weights tied to each of your feet
you'd never be sunk
forever.
Audrey Gleason Dec 2014
do you spell nicole with an h or no h
my question for you father is do i spell neglected with the prefix emotionally or was the one time you told me you loved me supposed to make up for all of that
i can still hear it
through my post-suicidal brain
believe it or not
I remember how to spell YOUR middle name
i guess i thought family
would be bound by more iron strings than intelligence genes or my-god-that's-a-lot-of money
and i guess i thought fathers
of daughters dying of anorexia
would give up the scales in a slowed-down heartbeat
instead of masking them in more excuses
hidden beneath hardwood floors
but then i also thought forever
existed outside of neverland
so i see i was naive.
just tell me one thing
do you even love me
or was this an experiment gone wrong
that you feign concern for half-heartedly.
Dec 2014 · 608
arts & entertainment
Audrey Gleason Dec 2014
the blonde and the brunette don't we make a great team
believe me our bond is unshakable
it's undebatable
our pull is gravitational
toward Christ, he's at the center
and splinters we extract together
secrets aren't existent we communicate with eyes sometimes
this
is best friendship.
the artist and the all-star don't we make a great team
it seems
like our laughter is contagious, it has to be
this masterpiece
is perfect, God
we couldn't thank you anymore
where it's light and airy we praise you
where it's dark and scary we praise you
continue
to color our lives with delight and depth
this
is best friendship.
two girls chasing God don't we make a great team
equal
in every way and gleaming
with beauty
worthy
of so much love
genuine
and surely
we'll find it
we're diamonds
after all
and by each other's sides with each new "I am"
and every fall
because I love you
because you're Dorothy
and I'm Alice
let's go explore crazy **** together
because I love you
because we're the poles
and the equator
at exactly
the same time
because I love you
because we are like breathing
because I love you
and this
is best friendship.
Dec 2014 · 451
neverythingnow
Audrey Gleason Dec 2014
zerofucksgiven
plus a thousand
one for every time i've felt underestimated
i've waited my turn but my eyes are still weighted
with the dread that you're sedated
by preconceived notions
that never notice new
but zerofucksgiven
as long as you don't *******
me into thinking i'm something
if you could hold your words in your hands they would be a different color than your skin
searching for truth here
in the phone booth here
i'm stuck, i know numbers aren't attached to people
but it seems you have different ideas
mixed messages like the left lane green traffic light
40 miles per hour yield to other cars' power
i know it shouldn't matter but i'm lonelier than ever
on the outside looking in
i can't eat despite my efforts
i'm trying to learn why
your actions and words don't have identical chroma
i have a diploma
in staying small on the sidelines
when
will i get to stand next to you
because zerofucksgiven
is only what i say
so you'll look at my lips
instead of my water-laced eyes
Dec 2014 · 443
november
Audrey Gleason Dec 2014
When the snow falls there's a sort of tangible peace outside because everything is quiet
But snow isn't falling with us right now.
I hope you know
I did what I thought was right at the time but it doesn't
seem to matter now so I
hope you'll see I had to
find God's path again I
never wanted to hurt you and I'm
still a girl you could love
in a different way
someday
even though I'm out of small quiet i'm sorrys
I'm out of tears running down frozen trembling cheeks
I'm out of shallow breaths and chattering teeth
All that's left is for me to pray
for you to a God you don't find comfort in
But knowing I'm the cause of your suicidal thoughts
has me stuttering a m m men
I'm not sure it's enough
to cycle into the sky
and make the snow fall
even if you never can forgive me
i'll never not care about you
Oct 2014 · 570
if my heart stopped beating
Audrey Gleason Oct 2014
my clothes would warm a mother's heart
to see her daughter properly dressed
for winter
and my books
would be cherished by new readers
who would wonder
what sort of a person had marked in them before
not imagining me
and my friends
would move on
eventually
because they're the sort of people
who can handle adversity
at the service
my mom would have to check the program
because my dad
doesn't know how to spell my middle name
Oct 2014 · 413
33
Audrey Gleason Oct 2014
33
sick of looking at equations and not knowing
where to start
let me think
with my heart
i can't sit in a chain link desk for one more
hour
there is power
in knowledge, yes, but even more in secrecy
and school's microscope makes it so hard to breathe
a telescope is what i aspire to see through
jiminey oh my we can fly if we try
and while we're in the sky
save the explanations i'll just wonder in pure awe at what makes the stars explode
my curiosity is quenched by creativity alone
Oct 2014 · 386
names
Audrey Gleason Oct 2014
they called her 106 because her weight was 106 who she was was 106 until she said
please call me 102 because my weight is 102 who i am is 102 but the
next day she was 101 and the name changes have just begun
99 to 95 and then on down to 90
at 86 they buried her
and labeled her grave
INFINITY.
and they never called people numbers again.
Oct 2014 · 390
again
Audrey Gleason Oct 2014
my red turns brown,
hers sparkles
invisible to me is our equality but then again my
blind spots were always
more frequent and more fatal
than my fellow neighbors'
these hollow eyes of mine are piercing
glass
they crack
black
are my irises
no matter how blue
they seem
Audrey Gleason Sep 2014
Maybe my soul fights my body so unrelentingly because
its mission doesn't fit inside.
Perhaps this
is why I cling to my loves for dear life.
Maybe my brain has to relearn its lessons so many times because
one day
I'll guide just as many people to the same
conclusions maybe
the truth is my imperfections cannot overpower the Made in Heaven stamp on my personality and perhaps
my heart is in the right place
after all.
For now,
I'll keep breathing.
Aug 2014 · 301
Untitled
Audrey Gleason Aug 2014
It was as if
all the versions of me I have ever known
met up just then,
And they all looked at each other in silence.
The nothing that I felt
was not emptiness
but quiet,
Just reflection
and stardust.

-A
Mar 2014 · 470
11:06 pm on a sunday.
Audrey Gleason Mar 2014
Your eyes are
an extra sugary marshmallow in a box of Lucky Charms
And your laugh
how I love to hear flowers tickled awake by morning sun
I want to wiggle my way right into your heart
And stay there where it is cozy and warm
And I am safe.
But my eyes are
an ocean of broken glass
And my laugh
is often speckled with darkness
I need to keep myself an arm's length apart
from you
And keep my black paint away from the art
that is you
but this is rather difficult
as you are my best friend.

— The End —