ill leave the door unlocked after you leave
in case you decide to come back

it's no secret that she isn't my favorite person
but i don't hate her
because if it wasn't for her making you sad
you would've never ran into my arms

so here we are
three years later
and seeing her doesn't make me angry anymore
because you're mine forever

i tried to wake you up. to hold me since it hurts. i’m not mad you didn’t wake up, i just wish you had. to tell me the reasons i don’t have to go and the reasons i should stay. i’m so tired of feeling this way and wondering when we will be better. time. that’s what heals and that’s what breaks. but i think it’s doing both for us. my mind is going crazy with thoughts of running away. i wish you wanted to too. from each other. maybe you could work the job you want. the night and weekend one. maybe you could meet with your classmate and not worry about me. maybe you could make new friends and do things without me. maybe. just maybe. i’m left here alone. to wonder if things will ever get better or if my forever looks like sleeping alone. i know you’re tired but i wish you’d wake up, because nights like this are getting really tough. i miss being happy. i miss feeling like this is it. lately all i wonder is is this it? silent car rides and sleepless nights. six months of waiting just to do this every night. for the rest of our lives. i think we could be happy even if it meant not with each other. i know that living this way isn’t how it’s meant to be and i know it’s always been, since we were so young, just you and just me. but i always make you mad and you can never do anything right. right? we have good days but they’re mostly when we are apart. so it’s hard to not feel like maybe we should be apart. i love you with all of me and i just wish you’d wake up... i wish you’d wake up and tell me it’s going to be okay. but when you wake up it’ll be a new day and there’s no time to slow down for yesterday, today. i wish you’d wake up.

i want to kiss someone again
not because i’m hurting
but to remind myself
i can still be okay
i can still feel
i can still fall in love again
even if it isn’t with you

i thought this, with all your weight pressed against me, that i cant stop seeing the stars and constellations in all your moles and freckles, in all the marks that make up your body.
and that i cant ever stop staring at your hands because i cant ever stop imagining all the ways you touch me with them, and that the way they grip my body is my favorite thing they can do.
and that the change of your eyes in the sunlight reminds me of the change in us, how once we were nothing more than best friends trying to figure out the world together, but here we are now kissing underneath your bedsheets.
im trying to forget everyone else and all the responsibilities we have to do, because i feel special when im with you, and i want to focus on trying to figure out what makes you, you.
the whole best friends being together was a good decision

just for tonight.. come sneak in my bed. like my freshman year in high school, when we were both too young to care about the consequences

just for tonight.. come wrap your arms around me and tell me everything that hurts, and everything that makes you feel alive. like the night your ex girlfriend kicked you out and your mom had already locked the front door.

just for tonight.. come kiss me until i give in to you. like the night i told you i didn't know what to do, or where to put my hands, but you undressed my skin and made love to my soul anyways.

just for tonight..and every other night*.. fall in love with me again. like the kids we were three years ago. like the kids i know we still are.

im sorry i talk too fast and too much when i start getting overwhelmed and upset. it's how i keep from crying. im sorry i run away without saying anything, for not giving any reason why, when we fight. ive always been the one to be left so i taught myself to leave before anyone gets the chance to again. im sorry i constantly ask so many questions and worry about you all the time. ive always been better at taking care of other people rather than myself. im sorry i cant be better, im sorry i wasnt better, im sorry.

i broke my own heart
and i haven't recovered since.

how is it
that in a crowded room
i still
feel alone

i'm stuck between doing what's best for me, and doing what's best for us. and either way, in the end, i know my heart will hurt.

id like to believe
that when i come home
ill be coming home to you

everything always comes back to me in a wave of overwhelming remeberance
and it's at this time that i try to dissect my life and what the **** my purpose is

i want to stop wishing you were here. i want to stop trying to figure out why i couldn't make you stay. i want to stop wondering if my brown eyes were too brown, or if my short hair was too short.

i need to stop wishing you were here. i need to stop trying to figure out why i couldn't make you stay. i need to stop wondering if my brown eyes are too brown, or if my short hair is too short.

i'm okay by myself, and i tried my best to make you stay. i have my mothers eyes, and i love my short hair.

so i'm sorry if you come back home and the front porch light is no longer on. i'm sorry if you call and my number is out of service. i'm sorry if you miss me and you can't find me.

because you took so much from me.
and you bent me, but you didn't break me.

i dont hate you- i just hate that you made me hate her, and im starting to feel like i will never be happy. i cant blame you for what you did, but i can be upset, right? im allowed to look at her and not want to touch you, right? nothing really makes sense when i feel this way, and i wish i could scream until it no longer burned in my chest to hear her name, to think of you in bed with her. anyways, im getting better, so please stop treating me like im broken.

i can't wait to get away from you, because you light a fire in every part of my body..... but not the good kind.

but did we ever have anything in common?
because now that's it over, we just look at each other like strangers, as if for months we didn't spend every early hour, and late night, together.
the few times i run awkwardly into you, we look to the ground in hopes of it saving us from having to say "hey" to each other. (am i that awful?)
i'm starting to think now that maybe we weren't so much alike, and maybe we weren't even nothing more than something made up in my mind.
something that i only dreamed of being.

I told you I wrote about you
yet you didn't ask to read
you didn't even seem interested
to know if I said your lips tasted like honey
or regret

and that's the beauty of this all

because to you my words are nothing
more than just words
therefore I'm not required to care either

here i am- all in, all yours


and then there's you...

"if you didn't care, you
wouldn't say what you say,
do what you do, write what you
write. so see, you care. you need
me. tell me im wrong..
i dare you"*

i guess that's what frightens me
the most.
how much i really *do need you.

and i hate how quickly you figured me out. how easily you crawled up and broke down every wall i built up. brick by brick. as if they were never cemented together in the first place.

i fight myself to hate you but i am finding it more and more impossible.
(kissing your lips was always easier than pushing you away)

funny thing is, i don't hate you.
not even the slightest bit.
because i am madly in
love with you. and i gave up
the fight long ago.
you win.

i wish you were still just my best friend.
that i didn't feel so obligated to tell you only the things going on in my head that you want to hear, like how my day was or how much i love you. (even though those things matter too)
because sometimes i want to tell you the things i only scream when i'm alone, the things that keep me up at night and make me cry in my car in an empty parking lot.
those things matter too, and sometimes i wish you were still just my best friend.

nobody tells you how hard love is,
they just tell you "it's worth it,"
and that it's "so beautiful."
but nobody tells you how much
it can also all hurt.
because why would you want to know
the truth about love is
how it's not all that beautiful
sleeping next to the person you love,
just to feel miles apart.

summer is meant for loving and leaving
but you'll always be home for me

how do i tell the person in my bed
i'm in love with someone else?

i haven't deleted our pictures yet, and really i don't know if it's because i cant, or because im still stuck on us. and sometimes when i give up on fighting, i admit i wasn't ready. because we both know it wasn't supposed to end this way.

ive never felt so empty
than i did next to you
i waited on you
to wrap me into your arms
but instead you fell asleep
i feel like someone
who had ***
on the first date
disgusting
and lonely

Whenever things get this way I always wonder if this could be my life forever. Sometimes when things get this way I wish I would’ve left long ago. Sometimes I wish I would’ve never looked back. But I did and this my life now. When I signed the contract of her and I, I agreed for silent car rides when things get tough. My friend tells me it’s just a bad day, that it won’t always be this way, but how many bad days do you have to have before they’re good. How many bad days, weeks, months, do you have to get past before you can start believing that you’re capable of having good days. Together. I remember every day with her used to be the best. Used to be. It’s not that way anymore. If we are being honest, I don’t remember a day where I didn’t find myself sad at the end of it. Sad and wishing my life was a different way. I love her after ***. She loves me more. They say the chemicals released when you have *** with someone is what attaches the soul. I believe that. Because I’ve asked her to have kids with me before. Sometimes my best days are not with her. I enjoy those days. Away. A w a y. I enjoy the days when from morning to night time I have no one to fight against but myself. I miss the days of myself and I. I miss the days when I didn’t think twice about her. I miss the days when I didn’t wonder what she was up to. I won’t share this with anyone, because to everyone we are happy. Maybe even to her. But it’s hard to always pretend, even to her. But sometimes I hurt too. I hurt remembering the times she hurt me and I wonder. Why do I. Settle. Accept. Disregard. Allow. I wonder. I don’t question it but I wonder. I’m afraid if I question it I’ll realize I have no one to blame but me. I don’t. I do. She said we are all toxic and I believe that. Because she can be. Is. I remember girl who won’t be named told her I was. Maybe I was. Am. I know I can be good. I have been before. To her. To others. To myself. I miss myself. I miss who I was before she came in. I miss myself now that’s she’s here. Six more months. Until what? This every day. Because it’s just a bad day but what if this is it? Some days I think it will be this way forever. Some days I think we will always secretly hate one another. Because I’ve slept with someone else and she’s spent more late nights with girl who won’t be named than she can stand to spend with me. I wish she felt it too. The urge to run away. To leave. I used to think she was my better half. Used to. I miss being happy. I miss feeling okay. I miss loving myself. I miss feeling wanted. Broken. Confused. No mirrors. Big *******. The hard stuff isn’t inaccessible because I live it every day. My life is the hard stuff when it comes to her and I. I wish she knew that sometimes. For better or worse but are you okay with most days being the worst? Can you handle that. Forever. Silent car rides for the rest of your life. I do.

you know,
something in me wishes
we were still friends.
to tell you how happy i am now,
and that my mother still doesn't
pay much attention to me, but
that things are better.
you could tell me too how life is
going for you, and id listen.
like i always did, at 4AM, when
we both knew we needed sleep.
you know,
i don't think about you often,
but tonight i did.
and something in me wishes
we were still friends.

i couldn't cry when you left
i mean i tried
but i just couldn't
and i think it's because i'm not sad
not this time
because our time was minimal
but it was memorable
*short but sweet

i have no idea why i continue to torture myself with the thoughts of you touching someone else. i think about it
over
and over
and over
and o
              v  
                     e
                           r
again
i don’t know why i choose to think of the best parts of you, the best parts of us, when you asked where the knife was and i told you the kitchen. (not thinking you’d use it on me)

i feel like i’m losing grip of things. of myself. and over and over i choose to think of these things that hurt me most.

sometimes you’re all that consumes my thoughts. so much that i can’t help but to write about you. some days a sentence, others a paragraph, but on the hard days i can construct a short story. “The Story of You and I: A Tragedy”  then afterwards delete it. just to get it out there, to let my feelings feel valid and heard, even if only by myself.

other times i write you a letter telling you how much i miss you, how i wonder if your mom is doing okay, or if you still think of me when our song comes on. i end it with a, “p.s. do you  still smile when you see the color yellow?”
then i stick it in the mail, stamp it but leave it addressed to no one, sent from no one.

when it’s too much i sometimes call your old number to listen to your stupid, cheesy
voicemail we made together. i never even make it past our voices intertwined with laughs followed by, ”hey this is..."

but when i completely stop fighting the thoughts of you, i drive to the place where you first kissed me, and let the song play that you left me listening to when you told me i would never be it for you.

i sit and let myself hurt, let myself scream into the air that you never deserved me.
i pretend you can hear me. i even pretend you actually care.

and then i drive home.

i hate the winter
so why the ****
do i keep begging the cold to stay
and looking for arms to keep me warm

i feel empty a lot
but even more when you kiss me
because you aren't mine
and i never meant
to let you in my bed
but here we are
every ******* **** night
skin to skin
lips
fingers
heart
full of regret

i'm tired of pretending
love will solve all of my problems

you don't know me. i mean you do, but you don't really know me. and i'm sorry i push you away and yell when you don't understand, because lately i'm just too tired to explain.

"when nothing is going right, go left."**
and then what?