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251 · Sep 2019
Untitled
caroline Sep 2019
Whenever things get this way I always wonder if this could be my life forever. Sometimes when things get this way I wish I would’ve left long ago. Sometimes I wish I would’ve never looked back. But I did and this my life now. When I signed the contract of her and I, I agreed for silent car rides when things get tough. My friend tells me it’s just a bad day, that it won’t always be this way, but how many bad days do you have to have before they’re good. How many bad days, weeks, months, do you have to get past before you can start believing that you’re capable of having good days. Together. I remember every day with her used to be the best. Used to be. It’s not that way anymore. If we are being honest, I don’t remember a day where I didn’t find myself sad at the end of it. Sad and wishing my life was a different way. I love her after ***. She loves me more. They say the chemicals released when you have *** with someone is what attaches the soul. I believe that. Because I’ve asked her to have kids with me before. Sometimes my best days are not with her. I enjoy those days. Away. A w a y. I enjoy the days when from morning to night time I have no one to fight against but myself. I miss the days of myself and I. I miss the days when I didn’t think twice about her. I miss the days when I didn’t wonder what she was up to. I won’t share this with anyone, because to everyone we are happy. Maybe even to her. But it’s hard to always pretend, even to her. But sometimes I hurt too. I hurt remembering the times she hurt me and I wonder. Why do I. Settle. Accept. Disregard. Allow. I wonder. I don’t question it but I wonder. I’m afraid if I question it I’ll realize I have no one to blame but me. I don’t. I do. She said we are all toxic and I believe that. Because she can be. Is. I remember girl who won’t be named told her I was. Maybe I was. Am. I know I can be good. I have been before. To her. To others. To myself. I miss myself. I miss who I was before she came in. I miss myself now that’s she’s here. Six more months. Until what? This every day. Because it’s just a bad day but what if this is it? Some days I think it will be this way forever. Some days I think we will always secretly hate one another. Because I’ve slept with someone else and she’s spent more late nights with girl who won’t be named than she can stand to spend with me. I wish she felt it too. The urge to run away. To leave. I used to think she was my better half. Used to. I miss being happy. I miss feeling okay. I miss loving myself. I miss feeling wanted. Broken. Confused. No mirrors. Big *******. The hard stuff isn’t inaccessible because I live it every day. My life is the hard stuff when it comes to her and I. I wish she knew that sometimes. For better or worse but are you okay with most days being the worst? Can you handle that. Forever. Silent car rides for the rest of your life. I do.
250 · Nov 2017
bathroom sinks
caroline Nov 2017
you told me
"I think.. I.. love you?"
and wrapped your arms around my waist.
I reminded you that you drank too much
and you told me
"a drunk mans words are a sober mans thoughts"
while tugging at my shirt.
but it's no surprise
you didn't remember anything the next morning
245 · Feb 2017
sleepy head
caroline Feb 2017
today especially, i rolled over wishing you were here.
239 · Dec 2015
it doesn't matter anymore
caroline Dec 2015
i hope you still think of me, as i
sometimes catch myself doing about you,
but if you don't, that's okay too.
maybe someday ill find you and make this all right, but i always had a thing for pain and falling apart.
im tired
238 · Nov 2017
to be continued
caroline Nov 2017
dear younger me:
its okay to be afraid, its okay to not understand. life isn't perfect like the green playhouse grandpa built, but that doesn't mean you wont survive.
mom and dad won't always be together but that doesn't mean you won't find your forever. mom and dad didn't work, but that doesn't mean love won't work for you. never stop believing in fairy tales, but don't be disappointed when you find out love is not a kiss on the lips or fitting into the perfect shoe.
run and laugh while you can in the comfort of yourself, play and imagine everything you can think of- real and fake. because one day you'll realize yourself is all you have and sometimes you need to believe in the impossible.
its okay to cry when you scrape your knees or fall off your bike. get up, and keep trying. in life you'll need to bleed sometimes, you'll need to cry somedays, to remind yourself that you're alive. but remember to always get up, always. it's what will make you stronger, and prepare you for the days you want to lay there forever.
never lose yourself. run until your lungs fill with air, and then run some more. paint pictures and chase butterflies. put flowers in your hair and color outside the lines. because one day those things will be nothing more than just things and you'll forget what it is to see the beauty in even the simplest things.
and when that happens, read this, and find yourself.
233 · Oct 2017
.
caroline Oct 2017
.
last night you told me you loved me
but i think that was the alcohol talking
232 · Sep 2017
if you were wondering
caroline Sep 2017
lately i'm not sure where my head is
one morning i miss you
the next i'm waking up to someone new
but one thing is for sure
my heart remains with you though
always with you
228 · Aug 2017
8/20
caroline Aug 2017
my new favorite thing about Sundays:
waking up to your raspy voice saying
*"good morning pretty girl"
225 · Oct 2017
I should've told you
caroline Oct 2017
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
you and I
I told you I needed space
to breathe
to find myself
when I should've just told you
im not ready
somedays I question if ill ever be ready
if I was meant for a life full of
ordering take out and cuddling on the couch
pulling each other closer at three in the morning
kisses to start off the day and begging for five more minutes
a life of love
a life full of everything you've given me
somedays I question if ill ever deserve you
and then I realize my heart will never settle
no matter how much I want to for you
for us
for the beautiful life we created
in between midnight and sunrise
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
yet I can't stop replaying every moment our lips collided and every fight that led to makeup *** and promises
I guess the truth I won't admit is
I miss you
I miss you every single time I open my eyes for the day
and every night I fall asleep without you
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
when I should've just told you
I don't know where my heart is anymore
but in everything I do
it searches for you
224 · Oct 2017
one night stand
caroline Oct 2017
please stop telling me you love me
and want me to meet your mother
because I only slept with you because I missed my lover
because I miss the one who my heart belongs to
so please stop texting me at midnight
and pulling for my hand
217 · Jul 2017
move in date
caroline Jul 2017
it's two in the morning and i can't stop thinking about how afraid i am for july to be over. how afraid i am for change, to move in with someone so unfamiliar to me, and leave behind everything i've ever known, everything that keeps me sane.

it's two in the morning and i keep thinking
how ready i thought i was for this. the graduation high made me feel unstoppable. now all i feel is my feet underneath me, like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff and the only way to the bottom is to jump. and maybe that seems like just a simple leap into air, but i hate heights, and i don't care for cliffs.

it's two in the morning and all i can think of is sleeping alone for the next two years and how ******* lonely i'll be when my roommate begs me to go out and i choose to stay in. because a girl who can't look at people when she speaks does not belong at college parties.

it's two in the morning and i thought this is what i waited my whole life for, but now, i don't ever want it to come.
don't tell me change is good. i realize that, i just don't want it. i'm comfortable. happy where i am.
192 · Sep 2017
exhausted
caroline Sep 2017
i made a mess
but last night i swept the floor
and trashed the broken pieces
so why does my room still look so *****
186 · Sep 2017
question of the day
caroline Sep 2017
do i really want to sleep with him
or do i really just ******* miss you
183 · Aug 2017
move in date
caroline Aug 2017
i feel like my chest is going to cave in

why am i so afraid
why am i so afraid
why am i so ******* afraid

every time i go to sleep and wake up
it's a brand new day
a day closer to the next
of leaving everything i know behind
and starting back over
my apologies about the ****** word but it makes me feel better when i don't feel good

— The End —