i tried to wake you up. to hold me since it hurts. i’m not mad you didn’t wake up, i just wish you had. to tell me the reasons i don’t have to go and the reasons i should stay. i’m so tired of feeling this way and wondering when we will be better. time. that’s what heals and that’s what breaks. but i think it’s doing both for us. my mind is going crazy with thoughts of running away. i wish you wanted to too. from each other. maybe you could work the job you want. the night and weekend one. maybe you could meet with your classmate and not worry about me. maybe you could make new friends and do things without me. maybe. just maybe. i’m left here alone. to wonder if things will ever get better or if my forever looks like sleeping alone. i know you’re tired but i wish you’d wake up, because nights like this are getting really tough. i miss being happy. i miss feeling like this is it. lately all i wonder is is this it? silent car rides and sleepless nights. six months of waiting just to do this every night. for the rest of our lives. i think we could be happy even if it meant not with each other. i know that living this way isn’t how it’s meant to be and i know it’s always been, since we were so young, just you and just me. but i always make you mad and you can never do anything right. right? we have good days but they’re mostly when we are apart. so it’s hard to not feel like maybe we should be apart. i love you with all of me and i just wish you’d wake up... i wish you’d wake up and tell me it’s going to be okay. but when you wake up it’ll be a new day and there’s no time to slow down for yesterday, today. i wish you’d wake up.

Whenever things get this way I always wonder if this could be my life forever. Sometimes when things get this way I wish I would’ve left long ago. Sometimes I wish I would’ve never looked back. But I did and this my life now. When I signed the contract of her and I, I agreed for silent car rides when things get tough. My friend tells me it’s just a bad day, that it won’t always be this way, but how many bad days do you have to have before they’re good. How many bad days, weeks, months, do you have to get past before you can start believing that you’re capable of having good days. Together. I remember every day with her used to be the best. Used to be. It’s not that way anymore. If we are being honest, I don’t remember a day where I didn’t find myself sad at the end of it. Sad and wishing my life was a different way. I love her after ***. She loves me more. They say the chemicals released when you have *** with someone is what attaches the soul. I believe that. Because I’ve asked her to have kids with me before. Sometimes my best days are not with her. I enjoy those days. Away. A w a y. I enjoy the days when from morning to night time I have no one to fight against but myself. I miss the days of myself and I. I miss the days when I didn’t think twice about her. I miss the days when I didn’t wonder what she was up to. I won’t share this with anyone, because to everyone we are happy. Maybe even to her. But it’s hard to always pretend, even to her. But sometimes I hurt too. I hurt remembering the times she hurt me and I wonder. Why do I. Settle. Accept. Disregard. Allow. I wonder. I don’t question it but I wonder. I’m afraid if I question it I’ll realize I have no one to blame but me. I don’t. I do. She said we are all toxic and I believe that. Because she can be. Is. I remember girl who won’t be named told her I was. Maybe I was. Am. I know I can be good. I have been before. To her. To others. To myself. I miss myself. I miss who I was before she came in. I miss myself now that’s she’s here. Six more months. Until what? This every day. Because it’s just a bad day but what if this is it? Some days I think it will be this way forever. Some days I think we will always secretly hate one another. Because I’ve slept with someone else and she’s spent more late nights with girl who won’t be named than she can stand to spend with me. I wish she felt it too. The urge to run away. To leave. I used to think she was my better half. Used to. I miss being happy. I miss feeling okay. I miss loving myself. I miss feeling wanted. Broken. Confused. No mirrors. Big *******. The hard stuff isn’t inaccessible because I live it every day. My life is the hard stuff when it comes to her and I. I wish she knew that sometimes. For better or worse but are you okay with most days being the worst? Can you handle that. Forever. Silent car rides for the rest of your life. I do.

i can’t stop thinking about your hands
i can’t stop thinking about them
gripping my face
my hips
i can’t stop thinking about your lips
i can’t stop thinking about them
colliding with mine
finding their way on my neck
i can’t stop thinking about your fingers
i can’t stop thinking about them
intertwined with mine
drawing imaginary words across my chest
i can’t stop thinking about your arms
i can’t stop thinking about them
pulling me in while you slept
never being there when i woke up
i don’t love you
i never did
but i can’t stop thinking about you

ive never felt so empty
than i did next to you
i waited on you
to wrap me into your arms
but instead you fell asleep
i feel like someone
who had ***
on the first date
disgusting
and lonely

i don’t know why i think of you
like a lot
but you’re one of my favorite things
that i catch myself thinking of
when i’m not paying attention in class

i used to want you to notice me
i used to let you hurt me
if that meant i got to fall asleep in your arms
i used to want you to love me
i used to let you pick me apart
if that meant you’d stay one more night
but tonight when you called i didn’t answer
in fact i blocked your number
and i think that’s a start

i wonder what you think of
when you hear my name

i want to kiss someone again
not because i’m hurting
but to remind myself
i can still be okay
i can still feel
i can still fall in love again
even if it isn’t with you

i have no idea why i continue to torture myself with the thoughts of you touching someone else. i think about it
over
and over
and over
and o
              v  
                     e
                           r
again
i don’t know why i choose to think of the best parts of you, the best parts of us, when you asked where the knife was and i told you the kitchen. (not thinking you’d use it on me)

i feel like i’m losing grip of things. of myself. and over and over i choose to think of these things that hurt me most.

no beautiful words for me today
i’m just sad

i want to stop wishing you were here. i want to stop trying to figure out why i couldn't make you stay. i want to stop wondering if my brown eyes were too brown, or if my short hair was too short.

i need to stop wishing you were here. i need to stop trying to figure out why i couldn't make you stay. i need to stop wondering if my brown eyes are too brown, or if my short hair is too short.

i'm okay by myself, and i tried my best to make you stay. i have my mothers eyes, and i love my short hair.

so i'm sorry if you come back home and the front porch light is no longer on. i'm sorry if you call and my number is out of service. i'm sorry if you miss me and you can't find me.

because you took so much from me.
and you bent me, but you didn't break me.

sometimes you’re all that consumes my thoughts. so much that i can’t help but to write about you. some days a sentence, others a paragraph, but on the hard days i can construct a short story. “The Story of You and I: A Tragedy”  then afterwards delete it. just to get it out there, to let my feelings feel valid and heard, even if only by myself.

other times i write you a letter telling you how much i miss you, how i wonder if your mom is doing okay, or if you still think of me when our song comes on. i end it with a, “p.s. do you  still smile when you see the color yellow?”
then i stick it in the mail, stamp it but leave it addressed to no one, sent from no one.

when it’s too much i sometimes call your old number to listen to your stupid, cheesy
voicemail we made together. i never even make it past our voices intertwined with laughs followed by, ”hey this is..."

but when i completely stop fighting the thoughts of you, i drive to the place where you first kissed me, and let the song play that you left me listening to when you told me i would never be it for you.

i sit and let myself hurt, let myself scream into the air that you never deserved me.
i pretend you can hear me. i even pretend you actually care.

and then i drive home.

i don't want an apology
i don't need a half hearted smile
because you feel obligated
i don't want your pity
i don't need you to feel sorry for me
because believe it or not
being hurt isn't new to me
i just want a "thank you"
that's all
for loving you
when you least deserved it

i wish you were still just my best friend.
that i didn't feel so obligated to tell you only the things going on in my head that you want to hear, like how my day was or how much i love you. (even though those things matter too)
because sometimes i want to tell you the things i only scream when i'm alone, the things that keep me up at night and make me cry in my car in an empty parking lot.
those things matter too, and sometimes i wish you were still just my best friend.

everything always comes back to me in a wave of overwhelming remeberance
and it's at this time that i try to dissect my life and what the **** my purpose is

ill leave the door unlocked after you leave
in case you decide to come back

nobody tells you how hard love is,
they just tell you "it's worth it,"
and that it's "so beautiful."
but nobody tells you how much
it can also all hurt.
because why would you want to know
the truth about love is
how it's not all that beautiful
sleeping next to the person you love,
just to feel miles apart.

i broke my own heart
and i haven't recovered since.

how do i tell the person in my bed
i'm in love with someone else?

i'm okay with the silence that fills the air when we walk past each other now, and the half empty smiles shared amongst us when we both are walking in through the same door.
i'm okay with not wondering what you're doing, or if it's her you're missing, or why you can't sleep. i realize now that your curiosity only runs as far as my brastrap and *******, and once your fingers found my skin, my magic disappeared.

so for that i apologize. i take full responsibility. but i no longer have to settle and i no longer am allowing you to have power over me.

you don't get to make me feel worthless and full of emptiness. you aren't allowed to steal my purity, even if you stole it elsewhere. i am not used, i am not broken, and i promise you
i will continue to live.
you don't get to call at midnight when you miss her and need me. you aren't allowed to come in my heart when it's convienent for you and pluck the growth from me. i know you despise to see me move on, to see me let go, so i'll do just that because i realize now
**i am worth it, and i deserve so much more.

i hate the winter
so why the ****
do i keep begging the cold to stay
and looking for arms to keep me warm

i feel empty a lot
but even more when you kiss me
because you aren't mine
and i never meant
to let you in my bed
but here we are
every ******* **** night
skin to skin
lips
fingers
heart
full of regret

i'm tired of pretending
love will solve all of my problems

i have nothing beautiful to write
i have no elegant way of saying
i just want to be in your arms

take me back to the day I laid eyes on you.
so I can ask you your name and tell you I'm in love with you.
and maybe it sounds crazy but I'm going to marry you.
take me back to the first time we skipped out on class together.
so you can hold my hand longer and not leave me this time.
and ill tell you that I know it's still so soon, but I want to hold your hand for forever, through whatever, always.
take me back to the day you crawled into bed with me and held me after I had fallen asleep.
so I can wake up in the middle of the night and tell you everything I'm too afraid to tell you in the daylight.
and ill admit that I think of you every day and strangely want to see your feet bare.. and.. your body.
take me back to the night we tried to have *** but you couldn't stop thinking of her.
so I can tell you it's okay if you aren't ready, because neither am I.
and if you want to just lay here, just exist together, ill tell you that's okay too. more than okay.
take me back to the day I held your head in my lap and we talked about everything that scared us.
so I can tell you not being with you scares me the most, and my heart never settles.
and I won't admit it but ill tell you with my eyes that I want you to keep me.
take me back to the moment we touched other people and for only a second, no longer, forgot each others name.
so I can run away from his lips, and into your arms.
and maybe then your fingers won't find her cheek, and she won't realize your eyes are the darkest brown, but your touch can melt anyone like honey.
take me back to the day we promised forever.
so we can walk away.
and maybe then it'll save us the pain
of you and I.

how is it
that in a crowded room
i still
feel alone

I told you I wrote about you
yet you didn't ask to read
you didn't even seem interested
to know if I said your lips tasted like honey
or regret

and that's the beauty of this all

because to you my words are nothing
more than just words
therefore I'm not required to care either

maybe we don't talk as much
or sleep together every night anymore
but you still call me baby
and that's enough for me

I dream of you
I dream of rolling over into your warmth before the sun rises
biting on your lip while I pull at the collar of your shirt

I dream of a little girl
I dream of braiding her hair every day to "be like mommy"
watching her grow and carry my strength
but mostly your tenderness

I dream of bus 17
I dream of the first moment my eyes met yours
I dream of our forever

I dream of being the perfect version of me
I dream of my wandering heart settling into yours
I dream of us
I dream of you

please stop telling me you love me
and want me to meet your mother
because I only slept with you because I missed my lover
because I miss the one who my heart belongs to
so please stop texting me at midnight
and pulling for my hand

I told you I couldn't do it anymore
you and I
I told you I needed space
to breathe
to find myself
when I should've just told you
im not ready
somedays I question if ill ever be ready
if I was meant for a life full of
ordering take out and cuddling on the couch
pulling each other closer at three in the morning
kisses to start off the day and begging for five more minutes
a life of love
a life full of everything you've given me
somedays I question if ill ever deserve you
and then I realize my heart will never settle
no matter how much I want to for you
for us
for the beautiful life we created
in between midnight and sunrise
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
yet I can't stop replaying every moment our lips collided and every fight that led to makeup *** and promises
I guess the truth I won't admit is
I miss you
I miss you every single time I open my eyes for the day
and every night I fall asleep without you
I told you I couldn't do it anymore
when I should've just told you
I don't know where my heart is anymore
but in everything I do
it searches for you

ill write about everything you hate
about yourself and make it sound like
the most beautiful ******* thing.

lately i'm not sure where my head is
one morning i miss you
the next i'm waking up to someone new
but one thing is for sure
my heart remains with you though
always with you

do i really want to sleep with him
or do i really just ******* miss you