it's no secret that she isn't my favorite person
but i don't hate her
because if it wasn't for her making you sad
you would've never ran into my arms

so here we are
three years later
and seeing her doesn't make me angry anymore
because you're mine forever

i couldn't cry when you left
i mean i tried
but i just couldn't
and i think it's because i'm not sad
not this time
because our time was minimal
but it was memorable
*short but sweet

summer is meant for loving and leaving
but you'll always be home for me

tell me this is hard for you too

tell me you don't want me to go
please
beg me to stay

pull my hand as i leave
tell me you won't last a day
i promise then
i won't walk away

i feel like my chest is going to cave in

why am i so afraid
why am i so afraid
why am i so ******* afraid

every time i go to sleep and wake up
it's a brand new day
a day closer to the next
of leaving everything i know behind
and starting back over

lately, death is always on mind
and not in the sense
that i think about killing myself
or have lost anyone
but since you've been gone
you might as well have left
with the others
whose time has ran out
because it feels like you left
to rest forever  
and a piece of me went with you
and i'm so tired of this longing
this sadness
missing you
when you aren't dead
only missing from me

nothing makes me feel as good
as you cuddled in my neck
being lazy on a wednesday afternoon

i can't help but think of exploring your pasture with you. filled with creeks that overran with water, and trees that made everything feel strong. the scraps of trash that made perfect chairs for us to sit and talk about everything that ****** in the world, and everything that we were afraid of. then nothing much mattered.
and i think of your dad, and the tiredness in his voice when he saw me, and tried to get out his best "hello," just for me. i think of the strength he carried within him, the strength he carried to hide the things that hurt him, mostly his own body betraying him, and making each step harder than the one before.  
i can't help but think of the day your parents brought back pan dolce after your dad's doctor appointment. something sweet to **** the sadness. i told you not to let me eat alone, so there we were, like kids in a candy store stuffing our faces. and as you left to the bathroom, i sat alone in your kitchen and searched for something to wipe the crumbs from my mouth, your house being so foreign to me, he saw me. he understood my shyness and laughed. something so simple as a napkin and i felt understood. i saw him. i saw you.
and i think of your eyes, the day you told me how you were scared that soon you'd need to be strong for everyone. i think of the fear in your voice that followed after you confessed to me, "the pills aren't working anymore."
i can't help but think of laying on your couch. your dad across from me watching a show he didn't care much about, but stayed because your mother was next to him. and i think of how much i saw him love her, how much she loved him more, in the short time i got to love you.
and i think of May when you were afraid i'd never come back, when you asked me, "why'd it take you so long?" and something in me understands now that you were right to be afraid, because as your friend i failed to come home when you needed me most.
so today, i couldn't help and hurt, to cry when i saw you from a distance. black from head to toe. and since May, i fianlly saw you. but now i couldn't see him. but i'm trying not to be sad, because how selfish of me to be upset that no longer does each step hurt, and the pills no longer matter.
how lucky i am, to know you.
how lucky i was, to know him.

you don't know me. i mean you do, but you don't really know me. and i'm sorry i push you away and yell when you don't understand, because lately i'm just too tired to explain.

just for tonight.. come sneak in my bed. like my freshman year in high school, when we were both too young to care about the consequences

just for tonight.. come wrap your arms around me and tell me everything that hurts, and everything that makes you feel alive. like the night your ex girlfriend kicked you out and your mom had already locked the front door.

just for tonight.. come kiss me until i give in to you. like the night i told you i didn't know what to do, or where to put my hands, but you undressed my skin and made love to my soul anyways.

just for tonight..and every other night*.. fall in love with me again. like the kids we were three years ago. like the kids i know we still are.

i hope someday i can love you enough that you forget the names of all the girls before me

i'm trying not to feel so sad
and be so negative
and pessimistic
because every day you remind me
i am loved and i am wanted
but i'm not the first girl
you've promised forever
so what if
i'm not the last?

i want to write things for you as
beautifully as the songs that remind me
of the first time you kissed my lips, or
made love to me three summers ago.

i'm only jealous (i think) because your hands turn me on while you're holding my steering wheel.... and when you went on a drive with her, she got to stare at them too.

now and days, all that spews from your mouth is rehearsed lies and empty promises. i'm not blaming you, because i was the one who chose to believe you. although my heart hoped the best in you, i know you are human and people make mistakes.

mistakes are meant to be made and learned from, but for some reason you keep repeating yours. i suppose you didn't get the message the first time and that's okay, because some people learn slower than others.

but each day that  i see her i want to disappear into the walls. i want to smash every mirror because my reflection isn't her, and that's what you want, right? her.

you beg for my forgiveness like a peasant for it's life. i still do hope for the best in you, and i know the third times a charm, but i don't care to find out.

it's so late i've lost track of the time
and by this point, i don't care.
i don't care what time i'm supposed to be awake, and i don't care that i won't get sleep anyways.

some days i wonder where we went wrong, where we took the wrong turn, and then i remember i never was any good at reading maps, and you don't follow directions well.

but did we ever have anything in common?
because now that's it over, we just look at each other like strangers, as if for months we didn't spend every early hour, and late night, together.
the few times i run awkwardly into you, we look to the ground in hopes of it saving us from having to say "hey" to each other. (am i that awful?)
i'm starting to think now that maybe we weren't so much alike, and maybe we weren't even nothing more than something made up in my mind.
something that i only dreamed of being.

one day i'll find the courage to walk away, and on that day i'll promise to never look back

why do i have to know what i want, who i want, where i want to be? because at this moment, in this exact moment, all i want is to be free, even if it's not a minute more or less. i just want to rid my head of all the thoughts of you and all the thoughts of him and all the thoughts of her and run til my lungs give out, until they cave in. because right now i'm a mess, a ******* wreck. because right now my back is tired of carrying the weight of this world. because right now, in this exact moment, i wish i could run and never look back.

how do you love me? when tears stream down my face as i tell you "i just want to ******* be done." how do you love me? when it's been almost three years and still i'm not sure of myself. how do you love me when love is somewhere out there looking for *you.

i can't wait to get away from you, because you light a fire in every part of my body..... but not the good kind.

today especially, i rolled over wishing you were here.

i'm stuck between doing what's best for me, and doing what's best for us. and either way, in the end, i know my heart will hurt.

i dont hate you- i just hate that you made me hate her, and im starting to feel like i will never be happy. i cant blame you for what you did, but i can be upset, right? im allowed to look at her and not want to touch you, right? nothing really makes sense when i feel this way, and i wish i could scream until it no longer burned in my chest to hear her name, to think of you in bed with her. anyways, im getting better, so please stop treating me like im broken.

"when nothing is going right, go left."**
and then what?

im glad our eyes are the same color,
because if not, id probably want hers.

there's some people you can't live without, i get it. some people you can't stand not figuring out what it is about them that makes them who they are. people you sometimes just have to be a part of their life, to say you were, even if it's only for a short period of time. but, i wish to you she wouldn't have been one of those people.

yeah we both ****** up
but my God ive never been so in love

even if i could wish you away,
along with all the memories,
i dont think i would..