sometimes
i wish i were severely injured on the brink of death
because then i would be a priority
and then someone would show me how much they truly loved me

i don't mean to offend;
but i dislike funerals
people want to say a few nice words
so they aren't plagued with guilt and they can confess to a corpse
a corpse that can't smile, appreciate or be filled with profound joy
cowards
all of them
to spare the truth when the person can't feel the pain
to speak of love
when the person cant share the same
not even in death we are granted the truth
some people at funerals should just stay mute,

When others say that we cut
or used to cut for attention
i don't get defensive nor do i get angry
because it's true,

deep down, although we hide it
we secretly hope for someone caring to ask
we genuinely want for someone to look at our wrists,
look us in the eyes and hug us
well that's what i want

see i don't seek attention for pity
i don't want the whole world to suddenly treat me kindly because they realize i am suffering.

i want a someone to help me, to be there
to listen to me
to make me feel as though how i feel is important
that even though they are children in Africa starving that i am still feeling pain
that i am still drowning in sorrow and hopelessness
that i am fighting my own battle, all alone and it is the hardest battle i have ever faced

i feel as though people get tired of me easily
and i don't want anyone to feel my pain and get inside my head
i just want someone to talk to
who wont make me feel ungrateful
i want someone to hold my hand while i fight my demons and hold me if i make it through
and mourn me genuinely if i don't.

there is nothing i want more
for someone to love me: when i'm angry
when i'm crying
when i'm annoying
when i'm quiet

for someone to make me feel like i'm worth it
like, i deserve to be alive
i deserve to be cared for and appreciated
i just want unconditional love
that is my dream, my goal
to find someone who will love me
when i cant love myself

And i whole heartedly believe
people believe in heaven
because they don't want to suffer for nothing

and this is perhaps, the saddest realization i have ever faced;

that we suffer throughout our lives
for the chance to never suffer again;
giving, so that it might be taken in the end

Im afraid
afraid of falling asleep
vulnerable to tortured dreams
waking up; breathless

i want to drown among the darkness
close my eyes a final time
lay my head against the pillow
and listen as my demons sing me a sweet lullaby.

It's constant,
the broken lights
lost in the darkness of the weary night
Tiresome days
and Restless nights
Seem to last longer than the happiness that is claimed to be infinite.

Sadness is forever,
when happiness has left it leaves a hollow hole
Before happiness enters,
there is a hollow hole
During happiness the hole is only patched a single stitch
Still gaping and burning and aching and paining
And trying to complete the stitch work just seems
un-achievable
unrealistic
unattainable

impossible. unreachable.
and i have rested my needle and thread
I'll just watch it grow bigger instead.