Colors won't ever change
But you changed the way I seen them
Words will fade once you explain
But I'll remember them the same
Lets make this count
In these last few hours
Start counting backwards
Falling in reverse
Saying goodbye is always the hardest

You don't have to ask for anything
Because you are my everything
I never felt complete without you
I'll never heal, I'll never forget
Want to leave my hate and surrender what's left but,
I'm all burnt out on words from a liars mouth
If you want more than just know that there's none left to give
Must I die for you to live?

I'm asking for the right
To drain you dry tonight
Save yourself before you forget
Let's meet somewhere in between the sheets
Heaven, hell or the bed I don't care it will end in regret
I'll take you away from everything
You're a dream and I a nightmare
Watch as I pick myself up off the ground
Listen as I scream
I fell in love in the dark somehow

As I turn my back and walk away
From all the pain
I'm tired of waiting
I need you now more than ever
You're the minutes and I'm the hours
Meet me somewhere in the middle
You still have me because I'm still breathing
Exchanging the sunlight
For brown eyes and dark skies
Replace this dull life
Just waiting to feel alive

You know me too well
I'm sorry can't you tell?
Just wake me when it's over
When the credits start rolling
I'll be the girl who got away and
Who never let you down
Never held you back or made a sound
So what scares me the most....
Being alone or being alive while feeling dead?
Can you sleep tonight if someone else holds you instead?
Please don't leave you have half of my heart
And I can't live if you take the best part.

80 proof
Clear and distilled
Your label is terrible
With a mocking bird that I slowly peel
Made of mostly water and ethanol
A taste of bitterness and nothing at all
You take my breath away as one sip after another I swallow
I chase every drink
I'm trying to drown myself as I slowly sink
I'm starting off slow but soon you quicken my pace
I want to just forget and let my thoughts be erased
It's way to heavy this burden I carry
Way too much for only me to handle
So I let you burn and sting
Until hopefully I won't feel a thing
I'm craving numbness from everything in my mind
Take me to any other place in time
I want you to take a firm hold and float me over
Just let me spin as you pull me under
Make it all hazy so I don't feel so crazy
You and a cigarette right now my only friends
The only thing making me feel somewhat good again
So it's just you and me with some brisk ice tea and
cigarette smoke blowing in the cold night breeze
But are you really my friends or just a couple foes?
The only thing I got right now
And yet I still feel so alone
I just want to feel nothing at all
Torn right down the middle
Sitting dead center of this worn out saddle
Baring down so I don't hit the ground
It hurts now but I know it's going to hurt worse in the end
There's no soft place for me to land
And the physical pain doesn't scare me at all
It's the emotional part that is taking it's toll
I can't feel my mouth or find my voice
But inside I'm screaming out so loud
My eyes start to sting and my ears start to ring
I'm dizzy and the ambiance around me feels so fuzzy
My mind is dealing but my thoughts are reeling out of control
Why can't I just make a decision
Responsibility is killing my way of living
I don't want this
It hurts too much
And I'm slowly loosing touch
This is all too real and I don't know how I'm suppose to feel
I wish this life would cut me some slack or make me a deal
I'm sad and mad all at the same time
I can't make sense of the thoughts in my mind
I can't keep a grip on my emotions or self
And I'm running out of time to figure this out
Do I keep you or let you go?
Reality is really taking it's toll
And I don't know how much more strength I have left
I'm just ready to find myself some rest
So I'll drink you in and not spit you out
But it's hard to keep any faith when all I have are doubts?
How do I remain centered and tied down?
I can't do this any longer
So I'll let you take over and pull me under,
I'll let you drown me as I give up all my self control
And remain with all these questions but answers still unknown...
You know what...?
I just realized that...
You haven't helped me figure out anything at all!
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

I just don't get it.
  I don't quite understand.
If you love me and I love you.
  Why can't that be enough in the end?
I can't help but feel like I'm being compared to your ex life.
  It's like you already have it figured out in your own mind.
Your biggest thing in the beginning of us was hope.
  Sounds like now you're letting life get in the way of that.
I guess I always knew that it couldn't stay how it was in the beginning of us.
  It never does.
But, I just thought maybe if I held you tight enough you would finally see that
  I love you even in spite of me.
Because I still remember our first kiss and I still get chills at the touch of your    hand.
I still get excited to see you and I love waking up next to you in bed.
I haven't lost my passion for you not even a little bit.
You still intrigue me and turn me on.
I know what it's like to be scared and have doubt consume you.
I've experienced both in this relationship a time or two.
But, I've never doubted my feelings for you.
And I've never been scared of you.
I don't know how I'll ever make you see that being loved by you is more than enough for me.
I don't care about the world because you have set me free.
I believe in you and me.
So we can't just give up when things get tough.
I'll never try to keep you if this isn't where you want to be.
But I will try for you and hopefully then you will see that I love you.
Beyond reason and I'll love you beyond all time.
I don't give up on the things or people I love.
It's just not in me you see.
Because I believe love will always find a way.
No matter what has happened.
No matter what comes to be.
I can be okay with that as long as you're here with me.
Because you are my king and I the jewel in your crown.
One doesn't shine without the other.
We have tested theories and proven ourselves wrong a million times.
I don't know what it's going to take for you to not be scared and just love me.
For me it took a lot of courage and time.
I don't know what you need from me to make you feel okay or convince you that I am here to stay.
I won't abandon you I've told you that from the start.
I won't give up on you or stop trying to mend your broken heart.
Agape, Eros, Philia, Storge, take your pick.
  It doesn't matter how you say it, because it's all the same in the end.
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Come to see him
when you have no right to
Come play daddy for a day
does that make you feel good?
Run and tell your friends
that you're a father
because you like the title
Put on a happy face and smile from ear to ear
Talk like you know him
for everyone to hear
Talk like you have always been there for him
Hold him as if he would recognize your touch
Watch him through your lieing glazed eyes
and hug him way too much
Kiss him and tell him how much you care
Tell him you love him before you disappear
Turn your back and walk away like he never meant a thing
Tell him your his daddy
when he don't even know your name
I see you swell with pride when you call him your's
when you play with him like you're the one he adores
You're the definition of fake
You're a lie and nothing more
and your son knows not who you are
So tell him that you miss him
And that you'll see him soon
Lie to him again and again
Make empty promises
that will never come true
Laugh at all the silly things you watch him do
Act like your something big
Like your doing something good
Does it make you feel like more of a man?
Does this feel good to you?
Hug me before you leave and tell me that you're sorry
Hold me like you really care and
Tell me you still love me
but don't dare look me in the eye
Because you know I'll be able to see nothing but true lies
You're a drug addict
A lowlife in it's truest form
So go back to your shameful life with your *****
light it up and take another hit
Let it burn and try to let yourself forget
Wallow in your self pity
and hang your head real low
Cry until you drown yourself because
You won't see us anymore
The damage you have done can never be erased
So live with the few memories you have of him
that are burnt inside your head
then close your eyes and sleep with your pride and regret
You have made this bed and in it you will have to lye
Waste yourself away to nothing
as you slowly dissipate
You are nothing to him
and you're nothing to me
so overdose on us as you take your final hit!

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

Am I sick?
I think I need some help or a swift kick in the *** perhaps
Maybe I need meds
Maybe I need to be committed
Perhaps i'm just depleted
I'm damaged
I'm broken
I've been used, abused, and so misunderstood
I'm stupid
Such a dumb girl
With such a broken soul
No tears to cry or place to call my own
I am alone or at least that's how I feel
No one gets it or cares to even try
So why do I?
I am dead
My insides are black and rotten
My heart is like stone
My spirit does not shine
There is no light in my eyes
No spark in my soul
Just a dark lonely hole
I am empty, hollow
so tired am I
I'm weary and cannot find rest
I am heavy like the heart in my chest
I am a nothing, a nobody
going no where in this place called life
A failure
A good for nothing mom
I have no patience
I have no time
No purpose or cause
Nothing I believe in
Nothing I strive for more than to escape
I want out of this hell I've made for me
Cold
Bitter and made of stone
I have nothing more to give
My bones feel so brittle as if one big squeeze
would cause them to disintegrate into ashes
Every angry, cruel word spoken cuts me a little deeper
Promises made and words not kept
have made me so numb to anything anyone could ever say
No dreams for me anymore
Nothing to hope for
My blood sometimes boils with anger
I get hot all over
So much pent up aggression inside me
If I were to ball up my fist and punch something it would explode
Glum is a good word to describe how I feel
Tattered and torn
Why was I ever born?
What is my lot in this life?
What purpose am I to serve
Wasted days
Wasted nights
******* feelings
Stupid *** pride
I have nothing
I am nothing
If I could find a dark hole I could just crawl into
I would stay there forever and die there too
Why are people so bad to each other?
Why do we hurt each other so?
I'm tired of feeling confused
Unable to make decisions
Sick of the consequences
Tired of being walked on
Sick and tired of being lied too
So exhausted from being confused
I don't know what everyone wants
or what I want too
Trying to please everyone is getting so old
Always put myself last
Yet you call me selfish
what *******
how asinine
What am I suppose to do?
How am I suppose to feel?
What does everyone want from me?
I'm stretched so thin
I'm about to unravel
I'm always riding the fence
Get drunk and cut is about to be my only option
Run away and never look back
Leave everything I've ever known
I'm so unsure all the time
It's almost as if I'm paranoid
Always watching my back
scared all the time
When will this all go away?
I don't know how much more I can take
I'm about to burst into a million pieces
My chest is tight
My lungs about to explode
It's like I'm always trying to escape myself
It's like I'm drowning
I want out of my mind
I don't want to think
The more I do the faster I sink
I want to scream and let it all out
I want to have faith and never doubt
Will someone please save me,
I'm begging you to!
Don't let me slip back into this dark abyss
I don't want to feel like this anymore
Please won't somebody rescue me?!
Please save me from myself!
Don't let me die like this

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

You steal my eyes
And it's okay, I don’t even need them
I don’t want to see anyone but you anyways

You take me for granted
You take me for reasons known only by you

You pierce my heart, now it's useless
But, I don’t even really need it
It belongs to nobody other than you

You cut out my tongue,  and I’m left speechless, a defeatist
But , it's okay my lips need only to say your name
And I’ll waste away, to nothing at your feet again

I’m hollowed out, can’t you see?
You’ve ripped out the soul from within me
Now, I have little to show for anything
When you take me for granted the way you always do...

You and I have something
And it's either all or nothing
I had my defenses
When it came to your intentions
But I'm not the one who broke you
And you're not the one I should fear
You thought you lost me somewhere
But I was never really there
I want to break free
And I can feel you falling
Calling to me
So won't you tempt to be all that I need?
We've got to move darling
We don't need to fallout
From all the past that's between us
But I'm not holding on anymore
All the lies aren't enough to keep us here
Let's move on baby
And let love save us
You hide your smile behind a God given face
But I know you're so much more
And that's all I need to see
You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment I decided to let you in
Now you're banging on my door again
The end of fear is where we begin
If we decide to let love in
You're wishing for me to find my way
And I'm holding on for all you need
You take your chances
While I'm taking time playing my games
You can't control a soul
There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
But the only way to feel again
Is to let each other completely in
You're like a soldier seeking shelter
From all the madness that you've seen
But don't lose your faith
Don't let us slip away
You're still the only song I sing
I'm still the shelter that you need
I'll be kind
If you'll be faithful
You be sweet
And I'll be grateful
Just come be my best friend
Feel my heart beating within
All my secrets bared
I love you so don't be scared
I'm still right here
And I'm not going anywhere

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Every hard thing that happens to a soft heart
leaves a callus
Every mean thing a heart hears leaves a ringing echo
Every stone that's thrown leaves shattered pieces
Every beating leaves a bruise
Every hailstorm it endures leaves dents
Every wreck leaves a place in need of a fix
Every tear leaves a place to sew a new stitch
Every lie it's told leaves it with a doubt
Every scream leaves it a little more deaf
Every bite leaves it starving
(for kindness)
Every tear drop makes it sink a little deeper
Every drought leaves an unquenchable thirst
Every time a heart is left starving it turns into a glutton
(for punishment)
Every heart that gets cut is left with a deeper scar than before
Every time a heart is pierced by a dagger
it puts on a little more armor
When a heart is left to bleed it
learns to apply pressure
A heart that gets shot learns to become a gangster
Every stab slices, stings, and burns
Every hit leaves a gaping hole too big to ever fill
Every time a tender heart trusts a lie
It becomes timid and learns to fly
(away)
Whenever a sweet heart gets tainted
it becomes bitter
(sour even)
When a hopeful heart's dreams don't come true
it becomes jaded
When a loving heart witnesses hate
It becomes scared with terror
When a heart gets broken it
learns to heal
But becomes misunderstood
When a heart gets cornered it rolls over
or lashes out in defense
When a heart has been used it
stops being so giving
When a heart becomes wounded
It decides to lay down or stay in the fight
When a heart is shackled and tortured
it cries out in pain
When a heart is abandoned
it becomes self sufficient as it stands in the rain
A lonely heart becomes depressed
and learns to self medicate
When a heart becomes an addict
it learns to deal
When a heart is ravaged it
looses its passion
And when love is  lost within a  heart
It becomes just another body part
(that can't be fixed)

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

I just want to talk to you
and hear your voice speak
I just want to be with you
and lay in your arms so deep
I  want to scream
I  want to cut
I  just want to stop
wanting you so much
I don't want to miss you
I don't want to care
I don't want to keep reliving your stare
I don't want to see you
Or wonder where you are
I didn't want things to go this far
I don't want to worry
Or try to keep you near
I don't want to love you
But inevitably I do
I don't want my heart to break
But it's breaking over you
I didn't ask for this
Or even really try
I didn't need a man
Or a new start
I just wanted to be miserable
and left alone here in the dark

I wanted to not fall into
what I have so many times before
Why can't I just hate you
as I do all your kind
Why do I want to run to you
when there's a chance I'll be left behind?
What's this spell you have put me under?
with your captivating charms?
Why do I dream of you and long to be where you are?
Why am I so stupid?
Why am I so blind?
You're only going to hurt me....
It's just a matter of time.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

What's this aching in my bones
this pounding in my brain
this voice whispering in my ear
this awful burden I bare with so much strain
What's this torture in my soul
this burning in my veins
this relenting loneliness and pain
this confusion in my head
What's this trembling in my body
this vulnerability on my lips
this desperation I can't come to grips
these shaking hands and weak *** knees
What's this feeling inside of me
this hole I can't fill
this darkness I cannot peel
my mind is racing and my heart is too
this feels like depression that I am slipping into
What's this bitterness I feel towards men
how do I overcome this deli-ma I am in
how do i open up  and let my feelings show
how am I suppose to love  again with this heart that is not whole
What's this anger dwelling deep in me
how do I rid myself of this disease
what will it take to put the past behind
what must I do to just let you go this time
What's this sinking feeling deep in my gut
this burning sensation like being freshly cut
why must I continually gasp to breathe  
because of this tsunami wave crashing down upon me?!

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

I miss you tonight

the same way I did last night

Your voice

Your laugh

The jokes we tell

I just miss you

and I can't help but wonder... Do you miss me too?

I had a long day

And I don't even know if yours was ok

I don't know why you haven't called me at work

I go out of my way to be with you

and sometimes it feels I don't get the same in return

I'm kind of upset right now

I know I shouldn't be

I was just hoping you would come stay the night with me

I didn't want to get to this point

The point of no return

But obviously I have so now I don't want to get burned

Little things hurt me

And I'm sure you don't understand

Just like I don't get what it's like to be a man

I try to see things from your point of view

Why don't you do the same for me too?

I don't like to be disappointed with the things that you do

I don't like being down and confused

I just want to talk, I want to talk to you

But sometimes I don't know how

So I lock it all up and don't make a sound

I've tried to be numb

and not feel a thing

I try to ignore all the little things that sting

Sometimes I guess my emotions just take over

I don't try to rag on you

Or make you feel bad

I just don't always know how to make you understand

I don't know how to be ok with certain things

I just want you here not in my dreams

Maybe I'm selfish and don't want to share

I don't want to lose you

But scared to death I will

I don't really know what I'm trying to say

I probably won't even send this

So it don't matter anyway....

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

I want to be your fantasy, your reality,

And everything between

I want you to see me in your sweetest dreams

I want you to feel me in everything your hands touch

I want the taste of me to never leave your lips

I want to be the world to you, I just want it all

I want to be the eyes that get to look deep inside your soul

I want to be your deepest kiss

The answer to your every wish

I want you to never ever let me go

I want to be hidden inside your heart

I just want to be everywhere you are

I want you to hold me too tight

I want you to make everything alright

I want to be loved too much by you

I just want you to need me

Like I need you.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

You try and tear me down
but your words don't even matter
All they are is a bunch of jibber jabber
We are the ones who you discarded
That's okay because within me is where this all started
You treat me like I'm dirt
when I'm the one who gave birth
I brought into the world a little human being
all you did was shoot a little ***** up inside of me
I'm making all the sacrifices and
You ain't giving up ****
I have no freedom
You still come and go as you please
I go to work
I make ends meet
I have no life except for the one that we made
You gave that up and I'm the one who stayed
So you want to try and run me down?!
To you I will never bow!
I'm still lying in the bed that we made together  
And I'll be cleaning up the mess from here on after
I've done it all
Our son is okay
And it's all thanks to me
You have no part in this little boys life
Your only purpose is to try and cause pain and strife
You're missing out
I'm here for it all
I get the ****** diapers and pick him up when he falls
I get his first smile and the light in his eyes
all you get is severed ties
I get the bumps and bruises
the giggles and sighs
While you're out getting on your high
I see the adoration and love in his eyes
I'm here wiping away all the tears when he cries
I get his affection and kisses too
And you're getting what's been coming to you
So  you want to issue idle threats
and talk a big game
I know it's all ******* you never follow through
with anything that you say
You think being a parent is a convenience
well maybe you should get a clue
Everything that's being done is all because of you
So go ahead and blame everyone you see
because it's nobodies fault but your very own
that you're not the man you outta be
You think you're angry
well how do you think I feel
I'm the one here on a daily basis having to deal
My life is harder than it ever should of been
I don't even know if I can ever love again
These emotions that within me dwell
are like a broken bone they ache and swell
You think you're a father
Honey, you don't know a thing
You're just a baby daddy
Who doesn't have a name.

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

Anger, bitterness, sadness, and regret
What strong emotions these are to be felt.
What horrible things for someone to feel.
Makes me picture the colors blue and black
Makes me think of bruises and tears.
Loss, lonliness, confusion and hurt.
I want to just make them all go away
I want to make your heart stop bleeding
I want to stop your mind from aching
I want to dry your falling tears and make the world a better place for you to be in.
Lies, deceit, pain, and termoil
These make up the world now days
Everyone hurts everyone without a second thought
No one cares they are evil and selfish.
Sin, loss, darkness, and sorrow
What sad things
What lonely things
What frightening and dark things
How do I go on living with these
How do I not perish into the night.
Money, ***, *****, and drugs
Thats what you do to cope
That's what you long for
It's an unquenchable thirst that can't be slaked
Alternates the way you think.
Abuse, neglect, hurtful words, and agony
The yelling and screaming
The hitting and beating
I know these aches
I have felt these things.
I detest them so much
What agonizing pains.
Stupidity, hatred, carelessness, and shame.
What things to feel
What heavy burdens to bear
What thoughtless things
What hurtful things
How does one live with these things
What a better place this world may be without all these things in it
They will eat you alive and swallow you whole
Make you black and cold
Bitter and scaved
I know about all these things
I have felt all these things....
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

When you put me in front of everyone or anything
I will promise you love everlasting
But something will always feel like it's missing
When I give you the cold shoulder
And my mood swings drive you crazy
You will soon discover that I am not perfect
That my heart was aborted before it got to be reborn
I know my imperfections will harm you reflection when you look in the mirror of your own mind
But I'll ****** you so you will stay my knight in shining armor
And you will make me your bride
So it will be til death do us part
Playing poker only to find I'll be holding more than your heart
I'll be a reminder of what's behind you
No matter how your mind spins it there I'll be
We will fight to stay alive
But in the end our time will be spent trying to make amends
for things we could of done better
And I'll remain by your side
But only because there's no where left for me to hide
I'll give til there's nothing left
And you will take just like all the rest
I will suffocate you with my wants and needs
And in the end that's what will make you leave
I'll try and entice you to stay
But the intrigue won't be enough to keep you from walking away
You will crave my touch as you lie down at night
But you will feel so much spite
I'll become a mere illusion in your mind
I'll haunt your dreams until you unravel and bust at the seams
And the truth will come to you in waves of sheer perfection
And regret will be your first reaction
In the end we will end up perplexed and alone
We will be filled with bitterness, sadness, and hurt
Our souls will ache and starve
For our soulmate that is gone
With broken hearts we will barely survive
Our lust never slaked, alone
We will hunger and thirst for a love
That could never exist.

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Doin' a little drinkin' tonight
Doin' a little thinkin' tonight
Smokin' a cig as I sit here and dig inside my head for thoughts of positivity.
Doin' a little soul searchin' tonight
Doin' a little liein' to myself tonight
Tippin' a bottle up and feelin' it burn all the way down to my core.
Doin' a little hurtin' tonight
Doin' a little cryin' tonight
Enhaling smoke and ingesting nicotine with each drag I take.
Fightin' a little battle tonight
Screamin' inside my head tonight
My body is weary my soul distressed and tore.
Doin' a little forgettin' tonight
Doin' a little rememberin' tonight
With each sip I take it feels like such a contradiction of my feelings.
Feelin' a little lost tonight
Feelin' a little tipsy tonight
With each enhale and exhale the more confused I get.
Feelin' a little uncertain tonight
Feelin' a little bitter tonight
How much more of this can I take?
Holdin' on tonight for dear life
Lettin' go tonight for heaven's sake
Every beat of my heart proves I still must endure this life and these feelings.
Wantin' to talk to you tonight
Wantin' to hold you tight tonight
When I feel the cool night breeze on my cheek I snap out of thoughts and back to reality.
Wantin' to run away tonight
Wantin' to stand still tonight
Every star I count is just a wish that won't come true.
Bein' alone tonight
Bein' sad tonight
So I'm gonna try and drink all these thoughts, feelings, and frustrations away tonight.


Author Notes
this is a typical night for me lately....
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

That night was awful
Like a tornado
Ripping through my emotions
Now I'm left cleaning up the aftermath
of your destruction
You were cold as a blizzard
Causing hypothermia that kills
Is that how you really feel?
No cure for the void you left when
You looked right through me
As though I had disappeared
You just sat contemplating the reality you dwell in
with a cigarette between your lips
I could see the demons dancing in your eyes
I know how they haunt your soul inside
I heard every word you said but you had to of been
talking to someone else...
Because the things you said left the one you say you love
torn into little demolished pieces of myself
And I'm really trying to understand
But it's hard when the one I love has hurt me so bad
And the pain doesn't scare me
I've felt it all before
What scares me is losing you,
losing us, my heart, and everything we are...

The vines of your emotions
Entangle me
I can't break free
Trapped in the darkness
Of your past history
The way we are
Is the reason I stay
I'm addicted to the *******
Of the pain
The hurt confines me
What your dreams are made of
Engulfs me in a nightmare
The lovers from your past
Grasp my feet and trip me
As I walk towards you
In this hallway lined with pictures
of your past memories
I'm trapped on this roller coaster ride
Called bipolar
Your words suffocate
And define me
The fear of not being good
enough to compete
Overwhelms my brain
But how can I win
When I'm paralyzed
Save me from the ones
who haunt you in the night
When I let you in you
you just want out
If i tell you the truth
You'd just vie for a lie
If you follow me
you will only get lost
If you try to get closer
you will only lose touch
i already know too much
But tell me that you love me
because i need you so much
I can't live with myself
or the
Salt you pour in these open wounds
and i cant heal the way
i feel about you
will the hunger ever stop
Your eyes like a car crash
and i can't look away
can we ever starve this sin
that kiss you stole
it held my heart and soul
like a deer in the headlights
i met my fate
if i try to fight this storm
i only tumble overboard
and the tides just bring me back to you
the waves pull me under
in this rough sea
of your past flings
consuming me

I am a contortionist
I twist and turn to become what you want
I am a puppet
On a string
I dance to your music
A caged bird
who sings on command
A show girl
that performs for you nightly
Think maybe i'm jaded slightly
I'm a porcelain doll
who sits upon your shelf of life
collecting dust and if you were to take me down to play
I may just break
I'm starting to crack under all this pressure
I'm liked a buried treasure
that everyone seeks but never finds
But if someone did I would surely shine

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

How bitter I feel sometimes
It consumes me when it takes a hold
I struggle with this all the time
I'm bitter that you didn't stay
Bitter that I can't let go

I hate what you have done to me
I despise your voice and your phony disguise
I detest your personality
It's the ******* one I've ever seen and
Your attitude ***** even worse
You're just so **** mean!

I'm bitter that I can't even talk to you,
Because all you do is lie
I loath your innate ability to always make me cry
I would love to just break your stupid jaw!
I can't stand how raw you are!

Why did we ever have to meet?
You are definitely my biggest and worse mistake
And that's something I'll always kick my own *** for
I wear the pain and shame like a mask to the ball

I'm jealous of the innocent so
I've tried it all from
cheap *** to *******
Anything to try and disguise this pain.
God, what's it going to take to let this bitterness go?!

If all this pain would just dissipate
maybe I'd quit crying all these black tears
But they just keep falling down one at a time
And my heart feels so serrate

I hate how you can still get to me somewhere deep inside
It's amazing I still have any tears left to cry,
But I can't give into this darkness that consumes me.
I won't let you win!
I will not accept this defeat,
And because of that I will never let anyone really know me again.
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Listening to the blues
Hear Stevie croon
Gives me a feeling of such solitude
Even though you're just in the next room

Smoking an ashtray full
That's so not cool
I must be a ****** fool
I thought sharing was the golden rule

This relationship's no fun anymore
It's turning into a chore
You promised so much more
But left me with a heart so disappointed and tore... :'(

So much I could say
And, I'm sure it will come out the wrong way
But, I just want you to know that you still have all of my heart and soul
From the first time we kissed
I was all yours
My heart will never to another belong
I continue to fall harder
Every time we touch
You still intrigue me
Inspire me
And turn me inside out
You're still the most beautiful soul I've ever seen
You push me
Confuse me
Keep me on my toes
You still show me the way when I get lost
You ignite the fire in my soul
I yearn for you
I'm amused by you
Your touch still turns me on
I'm still captivated by your embrace
I miss you
I want you
You're the only one for me
My stomach still gets tied in knots
When I know I'm about to see you
I still try to look my prettiest because  
You are so handsome to me
Your charms still work and
I have so much more to learn
You're never dull or boring to me
You're still my prince charming
When my life falls apart
You're who I want there beside me
You protect me
You keep me afloat
When I fall you pick me up
And I can't live without you
And I never want anyone else
No amount or words would ever be enough
But I hope you know you still have all of my heart
So, don't ever question
Don't ever doubt
Because my love for you will never run out

What a ride this has been...
I'm exhausted and I know you are too.
I feel so drained and like I have made no difference whatsoever.
I want to get you out of the dark place you're in so bad.
It hurts to watch you sleep and have to wonder where you're at.
Baby come back to me, please, just come back.
Don't go to that place where I can't.
Don't leave baby she needs you here with her.

I'm just so tired.
I ache from the mental and physical stress.
My emotions are a huge mess.
I just want to fall into a deep slumber of peace.
I want to lay in your arms and feel safe again.
Why can't I just save you?!
Why can't I help you through all of this?
Why can't I be where you are?
I feel so nonfunctional.
I'm so tired.

I want things back the way they were.
I want the old you back.
It's like you're half alive but mostly dead.
Even in my dreams lately I can't reach you.
And the thought of losing you scares me so bad.
I have started this love thing with you.
What good is it going to do me if you're not here for it?
This is why I was so hesitant with my heart.
This is so tough and I don't know if I'm strong enough.
I didn't want to need you this much.
I didn't expect to miss your touch.
I have to get you through this.
I have to muster up all my strength and pull you out of this place.
Let me help you.

I can't watch you unravel in front of me like this.
It's like you're falling and I can't catch you.
You're barely hanging on and letting go with all your might.
When I fall you are there to pick me up so why can't I do the same for you?
I am just so confused.
Feels as if I'm spinning out of control.
I feel **** faced drunk.

I want to feel pain.
I want to hurt like you.
I want to understand the pain inside of you.
Feeling you inside me in my veins is the only cure for this ache.
You have become such a part of me and I a part of you.
When you hurt it hurts me too.
When you smile my soul lights up.
When you cry my heart weeps.
I don't know how this connection between us happened.
And words could never explain it well enough to matter.
So just come back to me where you belong.
Baby, please don't let me let you go.
Just come back into the light.
Because I am scared I can't save you
From this dark in your life.

No makeup
Not a stitch of clothing on
Stripped down to nothing at all
Hair a mess
Teeth not brushed
Cheeks slightly flushed
Baring me
Naked as can be
Hiding nothing
All my flaws you can clearly see
Every scar
All my shame
Every bruise
Every chalice
Laugh lines
Stretch marks and all
Bare naked
Ready to fall
Embarrassed
Slightly awkward
Feeling out of place
No where to hide from your face
Exposed
Wanting to explode
Then you look at me
And all my imperfections are gone.
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

You said “Sing me a lullaby so sweet,
That the dark will stay away from me
Because my eyes see things they don't want to see,
Help me”
So I started to tremble out a verse
But my words aren't lining up with yours
And the way we hurt is even worse without each other

So you get drunk
And I loose faith in your words
Written for a girl when you had nothing to hide,
And I cry
Cause I’m missing you and you're missing California but
It’s a long way back from Missouri

And as the sun falls dark behind the sea,
I feel your eyes steal another look at me,

I said “I’m looking for things I’ll never see,
Release me"
And how’d this summer air just get so cold?
And how’d this quiet girl just get so bold?
And how have I become something you can’t hold?

So I get drunk
And you loose faith in my melody
Written for a boy when I felt so much inside,
And you cry
Cause you're missing me and I'm missing Missouri
But it’s such a long way back from California

Midwest love affair
I bend when I'm bored
Late night *****
Lead me to the floor
Can we fake it?
Can we make believe?
I'm so full of love
It sickens me
But all I can do is close my eyes
And cross my heart hoping to die
Because you don't listen
When I'm around
The least you could do is take it back
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks
Because I can't stand it
Here in this midwest aftermath

I feel us slipping
and I can't seem to keep a grip
It's like you're sliding
right through my fingertips
I can still touch you
and feel your warm flesh
But something about us just doesn't mesh
Our connection is becoming a little hazy
I think you're getting a little lazy
We are losing touch
and I miss you so much
I can feel myself falling through the cracks
of my own broken heart
Inch by inch we are losing each other to the dark
I think the bad is starting to out weigh the good
and I'm starting to see nothing where we once stood
Shadows are filling up inside my lonely heart
and I'm trying to find a little spark
A spark of hope, of light, or a fire
to reignite my once strong desire
I can see the sun breaking in your eyes
It's a new day I see it on the rise
and I'm trying to see the good in life
but good things in life are hard to find
This love is killing me
and all I want to know is if I can survive
I should just let you go
But I don't really want too
at least not right now
I know I'm just dragging this out
Because it's inevitable
so why all the doubt?
I just want to know what giving you up
is going to take
Maybe I shouldn't it's easier to just act fake
I've let myself get too far in
How did I let myself get here again?
It's cool, I am strong
But what about my pitiful heart?
You have dreams to chase
and I have a son to raise
you're just a boy and I'm just a girl
we just need to let things unfurl
I've taken all I can take and I can't let this break me down
But it still feels like a part of me is dead and in the ground
I wish our fairytale ending would of came true
but it's time to face the facts...I think it's over.....
and we are through...

Copyright © 2013 by Ashley Rodden

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find anyone else there
You won't find your son
Your career
Your happiness
or success.

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find brilliance
You won't find works of art
And you won't find peace of mind
more time, the future, or mend your broken heart

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You will not find who you are
or who you're meant to be
You won't find answers to the questions that you seek
and you won't find a best friend that you can keep

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find a lover or passion
You won't make a name for yourself
You won't find peaceful rest
or imagination

There's only room for one person in a bottle

You won't find respect or love
You won't find money or guidance
You will only find loss, loneliness, numbness and regret
And you won't find me or what we could be
Because there's no room you see

There's only room for one person in a bottle....

© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

I am intelligent
One of the smartest people you'll ever meet
I am unique
I follow my own drum to a different beat
I am funny
With tons of charisma
I am witty
I have a silver yet sharp tongue
I'm tired
I can sleep for hours upon hours at a time
When I'm awake
I'm always up for some fun
I am sad
Down in the dumps again
Detached  
I will leave you
Because I can
I will lift you up
Just to tear you down again
You will thinks it's over
That you got it all figured out
Then I'll remember why I loved you so much
And how I need you to come back
Because without you my life is not complete
And you need me too, so don't try to decline
We are meant for one another,
You and I
I will come and go over and over again
So you can hold fast or let go of me instead
I have compassion for others
Because of the way I am
But I feel sorry for myself
time and again
I like my own routine
Yet I want to give you all you need
I want you to stay
Please don't abandon me
Now I want you to leave me alone please
I need down time
Just for me
I need to vent
To my best friend
Where is she?
I am a dreamer
With an unquiet mind
I am reasonable and grounded
Yet I want to fly
I try my best to understand
and be sensitive to your wants and needs
I give
I take
I try to hide myself for your own sake
I constantly battle these thoughts in my mind
I fight with my demons all the time
I love a bed
I can stay there for days
I struggle with who I really am
Me or this disease?
I will love you like no other person possibly can
Deeply, passionately, with ever molecule of my heart
At first glance you fall and hard
But My love will be a huge double standard
With my constant battle against entropy
Between ideality and reality
Seeking a way out of this mundane, humdrum existence
I'm in
I cannot tell sometimes where my personality
ends and this illness begins
My daydreams turn to hypo-mania
With all these gray areas
All my choices are not rational all the time
I chose to react
I chose to get help
I chose to be better despite my illness inside
I will be passive aggressive and egotistical
All symptoms are different and coping mechanisms
are tailored for each individual
Religious fervor
Shopaholism
Insatiable libido
Are all hard for you to fathom
Along with my mixed state of mind
Sometimes I'll just want to die
You will feel pity
Then you will feel inspired
And it's admirable of you to weather
the storms with me
But foolish to let me always be the one under
the umbrella and you left in the rain
This relationship cannot be a competition
with my disease
I regard my illness as an intimate part of me
Something you will never understand
It's easy to confuse love with mania.
The problem is love is fleeting
there is no cure for bi-polar
Doctor visits,
blood tests,
complicated regimens of medications
until they find the magic combination
Delusions and hallucinations
Being misunderstood by a population
generally unfamiliar with my condition
You just don't understand.....
I hate myself for everything I think "I am"

I want to know why
why you had to leave
why you couldn't stay
i need you here with me
there so much I've left to say
I want to show you things
I want you to be here to watch my son grow
I need your advice and opinion
I need your wisdom
I need your kindness and old soul
I need your saving grace to make me better of a woman
I need to learn so much more from you
I'm not done I still have so much to ask you
I want your faith and gentle eyes back
I still have poems you haven't heard yet
I need your selflessness
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

I would like to think
That I'm immune
But I might as well
Face the truth
That I can't be saved
I'm addicted to love
I'm addicted to
YOU!

Show me what I'm worth
When you're facedown, thinking
You're so ******* when you're running your mouth
Got a few things bottled up
Jump on a couple bottles like double dutch
Jager's got your faded when society has me jaded
How do you expect for us to grow
When all you want to do is break
It's time to let **** go
Don't be tough
Just make sure I see you cry enough
Don't bottle this up
The way I make you feel when I'm around
You got to wake up this is the real world
And you're only hurting yourself
When you spend every waking moment
With your fingers crossed
I don't think you can afford to set karma further in motion
Go ahead
Talk **** it means nothing
Ask me what I see in you
I see nothing, I see right through
You're transparent, I know you don't want to hear it
And I don't want to be the one to hurt your feelings
But, I'm not afraid to freak out
Because deep down it ***** to be you
Making small stabs in passing
But the pain is bigger than it seems so,
Stop holding me under and just breathe