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Oct 23 · 580
You
Ashley Rodden Oct 23
You
In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
You fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you
Shall I write it in a letter?
Shall I try to get it down?
You fill my head with pieces
Of a song I can't get out
Can I be close to you?

Can I take it to a morning
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?
When the evening pulls the sun down,
And the day is almost through,
The whole world it is sleeping,
But my world is you
Sep 16 · 234
A reason to change
Ashley Rodden Sep 16
They say,
People don't change unless they have a reason,
And I wanted so badly to be your reason.
Recalled your fears, now they become tears,
remember I once needed you
Sweet emptiness of love
It's a crime to take all the treasures that I've kept
The lock to my chest now is broken
A hypnotizing stain that drifted between our souls and melts away
An extraordinary color
Brought by cold metal on skin
It's the sweetest emptiness of love
A bitter poison is everything that I've become
And every single tear I owned has run dry on this face
Now that you are gone
I lived enough to know all the reasons why
I felt the end coming
Made a deal with death
And it gives me happy memories of you that turn into amazing horrors
Drains my strength and breath
There is nothing to find, nothing behind, only the ashes of me and you
And some cold rain drops wash us from the floor
Through these eyes the world gives me pain
Knowing the sadness, all the lies and the gain that we share
Something my touch gives to your soul, I know you're here, it's not that you love me but of what you fear
Without me you're nothing, you're just one in a million
Wait everyday inside this black cage
Hope doesn't seem to fade away
Tomorrow brings the same again
I'm a mirror reflecting your soul
The way you like to see it
It's not really there
As that little boy cries, I cry as well
Strange complexity of torture and madness my awareness brings to me
As i tried to reach you I could grab only air
I reached out for the end
Don't you ever go outside afraid of what is waiting
You said "the world is so cruel sweet baby and I'm the one you can call for help" but you know that's not the answer
'Cause you're lost and so afraid right now you feel the anger coming, and now who will you blame?
Who do you hurt now? Because you are always bleeding
Don't you ever wonder why the streets look dark and dangerous
And your room is getting smaller everyday, inch by inch its your daily torture, you don't seem to be able to live by yourself
From pervert eyes amazing sights, wipe your tears and light a smile
You are ready to come outside and breathe some life
Feel some flesh, and stop hiding, now you know how to deal with this and stop crying, these are the last tears you wept and now they run down another's face
Shattered by rain, shrouded by thoughts on a runaway train
Seeking shelter from the storm and from the pain
Another empty glass, another line, another friend, yet no sight or track, you can’t find your way back and your flame grows colder
as the night is over
Now you’re lost for following your heart
It guided you so far and you don’t know where you are, cause, baby, now you’re lost
Holding you head up high but the mirror can’t lie, it shows tears in your eyes
Sadness blurs your sight, like ether numbs your mind
If I only knew what you’d get yourself into... I wish I could
Wish I was able to save you
And your flame grows colder as the night is over, open the door to a dream
Ran the playground, found a maze you dared to enter, took a deep breath, we were just friends holding hands
Walk deeper into the green, ignore the colors as they fade
The world grows larger as you shrink, you turn around and no one’s there...
Jul 22 · 32
Vodka Poem
Ashley Rodden Jul 22
***** how i loved you
you were always my go to
now every time i take a sip
i just think of his lips
and how much they always adored you
and it burns my heart just like you burn my throat
***** you stole my love
you stole my sleep
you stole my peace
and my rest
Jun 2 · 134
Driving Circles
Sick of staring up at the ceiling
How'd you change your mind just like that?
The only way to get past this feeling
Is to tell myself you're not coming back
I don't wanna love you anymore

From the start, I never thought, I'd say this before
But I don't wanna love you anymore

I can't forget, the way it felt, when you walked out the door
So I don't wanna love you anymore
Sometimes I just wanna talk for a minute
But I can't bring myself to call
Because I know that your heart's not really in it
And whatever we had is gone

There's no reason, there's no rhyme
I found myself blindsided by
A feeling that I've never known
I'm dealing with it on my own
Phone is quiet, walls are bare
I drink myself to sleep, who cares?

No one even has to know
I'm dealing with it on my own
I got way too much time to be this hurt
Somebody help, it's getting worse
What do you do with a broken heart?
Once the light fades, everything is dark
Way too much whiskey in my blood
I feel my body giving up
Can I hold on for another night?
What do I do with all this time?

Every thought comes when it gets late
Put me in a fragile state
I wish I wasn't going home
Dealing with it on my own
I'm praying but it's not enough
I'm done, I don't believe in love
Learning how to let it go

I drive circles under street lights
Nothing seems to clear my mind
I can't forget
It's inside my head, so
I drive, chasing passionate nights
Nothing seems to heal my mind
I can't forget, you
What do you do when a memory haunts you...? When feelings won't let you go?
May 5 · 35
Long Black Hearse
You are the man we both couldn't stand
Can't wash off the dirt from your hands
Can't scrub off the black from your lungs
I can't get the taste off my tongue
I will never go backwards
I will never be free
You will never run faster
Will never be seen
In the wake of disaster
You are the house built upon sand
You are the thought I couldn't plan
The escape to something worse
The shadow driving the hearse
What was it like to feel in love?
Had to sink down just to be with you.
The pits of despair is where you drug me.
May 5 · 35
Bruised
Counting days since my love got lost to me
And every breath that I'm taking
Since I left feels like a waste of me
I've been holding onto hope
That you'll come back when you find some peace
Cause every word I've heard spoken
Since I left feels like a hole in me
But I hope I never lose the bruises you left behind
Oh my Lord, I need you by my side
There must be something in the water
Because every day it's getting colder
And if I could only hold you
You'd keep my head from going under
Maybe I'm just being blinded by the brighter side
of what we had because it's over
There must be something in the tide
Because I've been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises you left behind
Because it's your love I'm lost in
And I'm tired of being so exhausted
Even though I'm nothing to you now
All I have left to remind me of our existence are the bruises you left behind
You ruined me.
Apr 20 · 169
Fairy Tales
Ashley Rodden Apr 20
Wish I would have met you a long time ago
before all the bad things got bestowed
When I still had diamonds in my eyes and your heart was made of gold
Way before our innocence was lost
Back when I was a princess
and you were the dragon slayer I was waiting for
When I still wished upon falling stars
Before we got so many scars
Back when I was still soft and sweet
Before I became just another piece of meat
When I would pluck petals off any flower I saw
just to see if anyone would love me after all
Back when I still daydreamed and wished on falling stars...
Feb 26 · 53
Tides that Bind
Ashley Rodden Feb 26
I see you, I hear the waves crash
I long to come to you
You're floating in the ocean of love and life
I'm here ankle deep
I want to come be with you
But the shore beckons me to stay on dry land where it's safe
I hear you calling my name, come to me, my love
I won't let you drown, I will keep you safe
The shore says stay here where it's dry and you know me
You are familiar to me as i am to you
The sand is so hot and it's comfortable
What if i forgot how to swim, what if after all this time
I can't swim with the tides
What about all those unknown riptides
What if I go under and I can't breathe
Your smile calls to me and I long to be where it is I see the sun
rise with your smile, I see the waves take your body further from me
You look so free, I want to be free too,
You dove in head first but I hesitate to follow
The shore I know, it has been my home, I've built castles made of sand here ruled by kings made of sand as well, that let me down
But, you don't let me down, you won't let me drown
The waves crash all around and i panic, do i stay here on dry ground or do i swim with you and be free from all that keeps me here without you, without love,
I've been throwing out messages in bottles my whole life
Hoping an honest sailor like you would find them and answer
This salt water stings my cuts but there's healing in this pain, I feel it and
These tides could tear us apart or could be the ones that bind you and me forever
Dec 2019 · 64
You got this?
Ashley Rodden Dec 2019
You got friends who got friends who got this
You don't need anyone anyhow
So, I don't come around no more
******* in keeping score and now I'm gone
On your own, been feeling all alone?
And I ain't never going to come back home
It's all in your head, staying stuck in your head
Taking those handcuffs off because here comes another one
You got friends
Got nights that got time for wasting
Got lines that burn when you say them
And got songs that play when you play them
Go, what are you waiting for?
Show them the world is yours and take it all
You're not on your own, don't have to be alone
Got that medicine to catch you when you fall
I could be the one who got away
Or could I be your biggest mistake?
Nov 2019 · 50
Vodka & You
Ashley Rodden Nov 2019
I drink *****
and I remember you
I swear it's almost like I can feel you
Drinking what was always your choice of poison
Trying to **** you
Irony is what they call that
*****
your choice, my choice to numb the pain
The pain you always caused the pain you told me I caused you
The burn is so subtle it sneaks up on you
Then before you know it I'm writing poetry at 4 in the morning
Sep 2019 · 75
Black Rose
Ashley Rodden Sep 2019
And I loved you through all of your chaos
More than once I've ****** out the poison
in your veins, all the manic
I loved you crazy, I loved you mad
Your darkness doesn't scare me anymore
I learned from the best to not be afraid of the monsters under the bed
And to shine my light no matter how dim into your minds dark corners
My darling black rose, with your razor blade thorns
See how torn
You make me
But I endured the beatings as a means for your healing
Tragic romance in the end, because a black rose doesn't stand for happiness
Aug 2019 · 60
Here Goes Nothing
Ashley Rodden Aug 2019
If you want to know what i really think here goes nothing
I think you lie
I think you're selfish
I think you put your want's before your familie's
I think you idolize your hobbies
I think you have a problem with obsessing about "things" that don't really matter.  
I think you think your'e always right
And how could you not be because no one is better in a fight
You make others feel inadequate, that their feelings and thoughts are invalid.
You feel alone all the time because you have made it that way.
You run away from things that are too much for you to take
You martyr yourself about work
You chose to marry me and have a family but only when it's convenient for you
Mar 2019 · 89
Never Be Complete
Ashley Rodden Mar 2019
What do you think about when you look at me these days?
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed that we'd be when
We took each others hands and dove into a mystery
How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before our scars and secrets were brought into the light
Now on this hallowed ground
We've drawn our battle lines
Will we make it?
Its going to take more than promises this time
Only we can change our minds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together...?
Bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Maybe healing can still be spoken and save us?
The only way we'll last forever is broken together
How lonely it gets by your side
When you're busy building kingdoms and chasing dreams
You're letting love get left behind
Now I pray our broken hearts can realign
And that we don't give up this fight
Will you still choose to light the way for my ever wandering heart?
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are?
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
But don't you still hear me when im calling?
Will you still be there to catch me when im falling?
Don't you see I am yours, I am yours
I'm the eyes that see your sin and still
look on you with love and watch you rise again
Your voice calls out through the rain and  calms this storm in me
All work and no play has left us lost
But still moving full steam chasing the American dream
And you work and you build with your own two hands and you pour all you have into a castle made of sand but now the wind and rain are crashing and time will tell just how long your kingdom will stand
Another wasted weekend and we're slipping away
Whoever dies with the most toys wins but if we lose love what have we gained in the end?
I'll take a shack on the rocks over a castle in the sand any day because
All I really want is you
We are broken together but
Your love is still extravagant your friendship intimate
No greater love I've ever known won't you capture my heart again?
Please don't let me go
I'm not the  only one who fails
We know every line by heart by now but only together can we really fall apart
Can my love ever be enough to make you stay?
Is there such thing as a love that never dies or fades away?
All the uncertainty of tomorrow, the pains of yesterday
There is still hope if we just believe
Its a slow fade when you give yourself away when black and white turn to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price always has to be paid
People never crumble in a day so
Be careful ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise the end is always near
Be careful lips what you say for empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
The journey from your mind to your heart is closer than you're thinking just when you think you're standing you find you might be sinking
I try to find a new way to tell you, or someway to show you what you mean to me but there's nothing new and I exhaust myself searching
what else can I do?
I find myself empty and face down not having you to cling to
Needing of love only you can give I am humbled and broken at your feet
I stand amazed at the work of your hands
Maybe brokenness is what we need in the end
Just hold me in your arms I know you've come so far to find me
You were fighting and fearful hiding your heart away
But I've been trying so hard to show you because there are no words I could say
If you could just see my heart then you would know all I want to do is care for you
It was my love for you that brought you so far to find me
Hold it all together everyone needs you strong but life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you hanging on
So when you're tired of fighting chained by your control there's freedom in surrender just lay it down and let it go
You're not alone just stop holding on and just let me hold onto you
If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are set on me you'll know I always have and always will
Not a tear is ever wasted in time we'll understand
We're painting beauty with these ashes
Love is in our hands
In the storm is where well find each other so come to me and find your rest
And maybe we're broken but maybe our love is meant to be that way...
Aug 2018 · 210
Go for the throat
Ashley Rodden Aug 2018
He's trying to **** you
slay you
cut you down to the frayed you
wants you to be you but just not the real you
but the fake you with the plastered smile
chew up your soul and spit it out
swallow the key to your self esteem's door
take away your home
walk his walk
the walk of shame but you'll always be the one to blame
talk his talk, silver tongue
think the way he do
don't feel
don't have emotion
stepford wifey, plastic barbie
do as i say or you're ******* royally
You can't be you
Be broken with no hope of being put back together
And by the way only God can save you
And if things don't go his way look out
you'll be under his attack
under his thumb
numb
In fear,
so accept defeat on your knees
He goes for your heart and your soul
In a fight he goes for the throat
He's seeking to destroy any and all self worth  
How anyone dare defy him
you're always the crazy one
no one could ever love you more
No one is better
He'll cut you down
with his narcissistic, sadistic ways
and go for your throat with words that cut
like a double edged sword
Verbal abuse hurts.
Jul 2018 · 143
Good Wives Submit
Ashley Rodden Jul 2018
You're wrong
It's your fault
Don't blame me
Get on your knees
Pride
It's not me it's you
Round two
Why
Why, why, why
No hope
Start back at square one
Let's try this again
Blame
You, me
Sinners, sin
God war we begin
The bible says
God's word
In one ear
Judge
Harshly every sin
Commited
Forgive me but not you
Halalujah
Submission
Jul 2018 · 190
Rise and Fall
Ashley Rodden Jul 2018
I rise and then I fall
I run and stall
Start and go
But always break down
Somewhere along this road
Always falling short
No victory for me is ever won
I rise and I fall
Riding this fence as far as I can go
Jun 2018 · 106
Unrelenting
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
Must this be such a constant battle
Must we struggle
and to continue to trudge
through yet another humdrum day
When do we escape an engulfing past
that haunts our tired minds relentlessly?
Jun 2018 · 120
Weathering The Storm
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
Today,
I am anxious and worried.
I am unsettled and “on edge,”
I am terrified because I feel “it” coming.
I am on the cusp of another anxiety attack.
I am about to weather another cold, dark and dismal depressive storm.

I work.
I cook,
I clean,
and while I sometimes forget to do the dishes or dry the laundry —
while I forget to eat —
I have managed to purge my home,
rearrange the closet,
and clean the bathrooms.
It’s like I’m prepping and nesting.
I’m preemptively taking care of my space.
But I know I can’t keep up this pace.
I can’t outrun it and
I cannot stop it and,
the truth is,
that scares me.
I scare me.
Especially now.
Especially during this storm.

I find myself struggling to catch my breath.
I feel numb and lonely.
I stay in bed more,
but sleep less.
I question my faith,
my value,
my worth.
I cry over stupid ****,
like burnt out lightbulbs and unanswered texts.
I cry over important ****,
like love and money.
And I cry because I am crying.
I become reclusive
because this weather makes it easy to isolate myself.
I look for any and all the excuses I can—
the excuses I long for —
the excuses I need to cancel plans and just hide beneath the covers.
I am a chemically and emotionally imbalanced mess.
But what can I do to stop it?
How can I save myself?
I can’t.
I can run
and work
and take my medication,
but I cannot do one **** thing to stop this storm,
nor can I avoid it.
All I can do is hold on and wait for “it” to hit.
All I can do is hold on and try:
try to brace myself and trudge through,
try to keep myself accountable and afloat.
All I can do is breathe and weather yet another storm.
Jun 2018 · 213
Bitter Quitter
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
Sometimes i think the bitter in me is the quitter in you
Sometimes I think the bitter in you is the quitter in me
And it's bigger than the both of us could ever be.
Jun 2018 · 144
Another Day
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
Taking my pill
Sometimes I forget
That's okay I guess
Getting wasted on wine
Another day
And it won't ever change
And it hurts all the same
Losing my way
Feeling afraid.
Jun 2018 · 181
Half the Woman
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
From scrapes and bruises
to the familiar abuses
I kick and scream but it never changes a thing
I could spill my guts and wear my heart on my sleeve
But nobody said it was going to be easy
This is not the woman I hoped to be
I'm always just trying to stop the bleeding
I guess I deserve it
All my faces are an alibi
And it comes out wrong all the time
I don't know the words but I hum along anyway
There's nothing familiar to me anymore
I no longer feel alive
All I can taste is this sickness
And it makes me crazy
I'm in the same place I've always been
But I'm trying so hard not to be
So what am I? Who am I?
I don't want it, don't get it
Can't seem to surface, feel so ****** worthless
I'm desgised as an alibi and I'm half the person I ever wanted to be
Jun 2018 · 206
Words of Art
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
You do what you do
        And I will do what I do best
Resenting every word you've ever said
         Load your words and fire with haste and regret
We're lost,
                  lost in our own minds.
Where do you get your facts from?
You don't change for anyone.
To celebrate the past we hate for attention
And hang it for everyone to see.
                  You said too many things that you meant
And I no longer think for myself
                  
                   Confused, whom do I go to now?
How can I trust you?
                   Break it down before it's even built
Making sounds just to be heard
Making mistakes just to feel guilt
Setting traps just to see hurt
                   You talk a lot, but should I, do I even care?
Suspecting the worst,
It's not crazy, it's called art.
Jun 2018 · 226
Smoking at Night
Ashley Rodden Jun 2018
I often wonder how to make it back home
And why it feels like all the effort goes unnoticed
The pressure keeps on building up and closing in
And now I swear I've forgotten how to swim
Why is it always easier to just walk around
I miss the music that influenced us to talk for hours
That made us want to stop and smell the flowers
For just a second it's all I ever wanted
Now I feel like every star I used to wish on is falling out of the sky
Now we can't even find the time
And if we did, I doubt you would even look me in the eyes like you once did
Everything is just a story now
And it's practically impossible to word it out
If I could find the peace of mind to press rewind
I'd do it in a heartbeat if I thought it would make a change
I would freeze an entire moment in a second
If I thought it would make a bit of difference
I never meant for us to be alone
May 2018 · 132
The Void Part 2
Ashley Rodden May 2018
And it gets worse
People start to get angry with me.
They tell me,
You are not trying.
They bombard me with wise words
which others have spoken or written.
They tell me to snap out of it.
Or to look within myself.
To change my energy.
Cry out to the Lord.

And do you know the only way I really get fixed?
The only way,
The way that someone who doesn’t know how to love themselves gets to be able to love themselves,
Is by being given,
over and over again,
the unconditional love they didn’t have.

However, Do you see what I'm offering you?
It is the challenge of finding a way to love unconditionally.
To give unconditionally.
To find in yourself all the blocks to unconditional love
which the difficult personality that I am forces you to discover.

This never was about me.
This never was about the frustration of the bottomless pit.
This was never about you learning wonderful techniques that you could offer to loved ones in order for them to be like you.
It was always about you.
I've already got this.
I knew what I was doing.
I have this.
My higher self is looking on,
smiling,
and nodding at the absolutely brilliant job I am doing of playing out my role.
My bottomless pit role.

Do you get it now?
Even a little?
The enormity of this gift?

The challenge is unconditional love.
The opportunity is unconditional love.
The journey is back to unconditional love.
Do you catch the energy of that,
the excitement of it,
the power of it?
Don’t you just love the way this all works?

Oh, and if you happen to be the me, thank you!
There is much love and appreciation for you here.
We stand in awe.
Apr 2018 · 109
Caged Beast
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
I find it funny how your heart doesn't work, and that tattoo on your chest spells hurt. And how predictable. You're just another shark who smells blood, trying to figure out where love sleeps and **** it like it has to be stopped. I don't see the reason in your logic, I just understand the plot, and if I don't find it out, I swear I'm going to pop. Just another meal for the vultures, picked into pieces and buried under the boulders. Until the last cracked bone is found, I'm just a victim with my soul torn out of me and shot to the ground, without the glory. Broken and that's the way that you like it with the war horns fired up, and I should have asked you what you wanted before you flashed me those fangs

What did you want from me? You're knocking on doors trying to wake the beast. Head full of thorns, you want to settle the score.

I've been living in this winter you've provided me. Eating all the pages of this history inside of you. For what? I've taken all the pain I can, and plan on jumping off this ship before I lose it and never know who I am. Before this vessel ever gets in sight of land, I'm going to dive into the waters underneath it and take my chances until it drowns out. You've got a perfect way of killing me, an angel in appearance with a smile like a guillotine and I don't think that you can ever change. Pain is your nicotine, fighting me is the flame and it stays that way. Cause everything is frozen in your steps, and this blade is a trophy for your unexpected ways, you're a monster, and I can smell it rotting in your teeth. Just hope that you can figure out what you've been looking for and finally be free.
Apr 2018 · 76
Home Life
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
I'm finding it hard to manage
Any close relationship without
The fear I'll vanish
All of this has been hard and
I'm not denying it
I'm just writing this as a product of my environment
So please listen
They say family is everything
Its more than just a house, a white picket fence, and a wedding ring
Its blossoming life and standing together through everything
Always trying to take the people you love with you when you go
But im a prisoner in my own body quarantined from my soul
Spitting in the faces of the ones trying to show me hope
Apr 2018 · 364
The Void Part 1
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
I want to invite you to come with me
on a walk inside the mind of,
me,
"The bottomless pit."

I'm the “nothing is ever enough”
The “I always need more”
The person who seems to be unable to hold onto anything
anyone has ever offered.
Who begs you to say something helpful or comforting one day,
but then needs you to say it all over again the following day,
and the next.
And the next.
The person who can’t seem to find a way to use anything you say to them,
anything you give them.
To hold anything.

Ready to put on these shoes
and take a walk with me?

The world, is a really frightening place.
Started out that way.
Mother wasn’t really cut out for mothering.
Didn’t have anything to give to a baby apart from practical care
—given in a no-nonsense kind of way
—because she hadn’t had it herself.
So, inside, she was a bottomless pit too,
hungry for what she never had,
resentful of being required to give what she never had to someone else.

In fact,
truth be told,
mom was even a bit envious of her little girl.
Why should baby girl be the center of the universe when she,
the mother,
had never been given that at all?
Living life as if it owes her.
Believed that I owed her, too.
I was her second chance.
I should give her everything that her own mother had been unable to give.
No blame,
It was as it was.
It’s as it is.

Fairly early on in life,
I learned that I come second.
That I didn’t deserve.
That good things were not for me.
That life was not kind,
or comforting,
or soothing or giving.
Rather, life was punishing,
taking and begrudging.
But something even harder came with that.
I grew up unable to hold anything.
One of the greatest of human pains there is.
Growing up empty.
It feels frightening.
Joyless.

It’s to be untouched by anything good,
to be unable to remember it,
or conjure up the feeling of it.
Everything is fleeting and temporary.
It goes in but it just falls right back out.
Like trying to hold onto water it's,
"The Void."

See, you can only hold onto things if you have been held.
If your life has included being physically,
emotionally or psychologically held.
If you have felt
and known that you were existing in another’s heart and mind.
We only know we exist because we first discovered
that we existed in the heart and mind of another.
And if we haven’t had that,
moments vanish.
Others’ words vanish.
At least, “good” moments and “good” words do.
“Bad” moments stay because there’s no way to soothe them.
And “bad” words stay because they are all we have known,
so familiar and trusted.

Oh and it doesn’t end there.
It gets worse.
As an adult, you continue to feel like a hungry,
needy child.
Just like mother was.
You feel so bad about that,
so ashamed,
so inadequate.
You hate and despise yourself.
A horrible person for being so full of
hurt
and anger
and resentment.

And the worse you feel about yourself,
the more you try to compensate by being
“good.”
Trying hard to meet everyone's every need,
and resent it while believing that you are bad for resenting it.
No one is happy in this arrangement
—there is duty here, not love.
Although most would insist on calling it love
and most believe it is love,
Most don't really know what this thing called love actually is.

I go through periods of the darkest,
most desolate,
depression.
I will catapult between anger and grief.
I will cry for days.
I will walk out.
I will shout and think cruel things.
Then will be overcome by guilt and remorse.
And shame.
Oh, always the shame.

And I try even harder.
When it gets really bad,
I will ask for help in my own way.
I'm clearly in so much distress that others are eager to try and help me.
Giving hugs,
words of encouragement,
practical offers and words of wisdom.
And I will expresses my gratitude
and appear to absorb it all
and feel better.
And the people will feel gratified
and content that their help has made a difference and somehow
filled this "Bottomless Pit."

However, in "The Bottomless Pit",
all it has actually been is a plaster.
It has helped temporarily.
But the void
—the bottomless pit
—remains.
Everything is just as hollow,
empty,
frightening and meaningless as before.

I am still a “bad” person and I still hate myself.
I genuinely try to do the things I have been advised to do.
I read the books.
I write the love letters.
I say words of affirmation as if they are sacred,
magic rituals that will bring about some kind of miraculous healing.
I try to love myself like everyone tells me to do.
But always,
there is the void,
always the bottomless pit.
Always the inability to hold onto.
Apr 2018 · 122
Last Train
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
Take the devil out of my path
Put my skeletons to rest
On a bed of roses where I
Lay me down, definitely

Mighty is this bitter blade,
Crimson beaded water falling out of my grave
Another dusty record plays
Dancing by myself in the blue shade

I've dug a lot of holes to uncover the bones
And to be released from the dark
Because the moment that I saw you coming
I was both, feet, running to those open arms

But the rusty metal gate will fall
Plowing through the field in which I silently lay
Lovely, little paper doll
Scared of what the ghost of you might say
Because the moment that I seen you running
For that last train coming, it done broke my heart
Apr 2018 · 257
Feast
Ashley Rodden Apr 2018
You want to talk about stress?
Like I know nothing of it
heart left hanging like a necklace
The farthest thing away from an emotional investment
You don't want this.
Might look good in your head
But I'm a monster.
I've caused more pain than I can even count
'Cause I wanna die like a rock star
All alone in my lost thoughts
Can't live how I want to so
I spoke no lies when I told you I'm a lost cause

I'll eat your soul...
This is what I do
so go on and hide because I'm just like you

You wanna talk about luck?
How no body loves you and your whole life's f'd
Because I was born to be crushed
And enjoy what it's like to be thrown down in the mud.

You should just stay where the sun shines
I don't wait for the fun times
but I savor the laughs
I drop dead at good bye and lay straight in my casket.
I wanna live where the blood dries
A lot quicker than some like.
Without a bit of guilt
Sit right here until the next one comes by

But still your gonna go and try
And show me a different life
And get eaten alive
Mar 2018 · 87
Depression
Ashley Rodden Mar 2018
Can't move
Try to fight but it's no use
The more I do, the lower I sink
Into this black tar pit
Mar 2018 · 108
"Bottom Of The Bottle"
Ashley Rodden Mar 2018
Your whole life's been spent staring out the cracks
Slipping words to the people that ever get close enough to grasp
And you're looking at me like another broken glass
Getting closer to the edge without any emotional attachment.
And maybe you don't see that all of this around you is a simple web of lies that was designed to make you soundproof
That's exactly why you scream like all the proud do
And I slam against the gates with my poems until I plow through.
I see the smiles and your frowns, how you feel like everything in your life is nailed to the ground
And I see you speak with so much distaste in your mouth
While letting everything break you down to the bottle, trying to drown yourself
I guess there's no hope left, all the ships are leaving the port and the wine is smelling like death and
You can smoke holes in your chest, until you're left breathing out your last cold breath
I've tried to tell you
All your demons are waiting to get you
And the room's full of them, from the bar to the booth
Leave the music in the corner and stray far from your roots
You never thanked your mother for infecting your youth
With a healthy taste for violence and a hundred fifty proof
And all you ever learned from life, is an icepack
It's good to stop the swelling and for chilling down your pint glass
Now every evening as you open your nightcap
You drink yourself away like it's the only way to fight back
And I can show you how I feel and what it does to me
And how when I look you in the face I only see what has become of me
The product of your liquid courage company
That drowned away your sorrows before you knew that they were running free
So breathe in, and breathe out
Blur the space between us and constrict me everytime I reach out
Break the mirror so you never have to see out
And know that you are left talking to yourself now
I wish I could of saved you but
At the bottom of the bottle
You won't find me waiting now
Mar 2018 · 88
Here and Now
Ashley Rodden Mar 2018
Here again trying to feel
Anything other than numb
Waiting to know when
I get to go back to normal again
Lonesome, broken, misunderstood
Not strong enough to stand
Reeling thoughts, tired mind
On my own just trying to be fine
Scared, dieing, crying
For a relief I never seem to find
Someday this pain will fade
And I will be whole again
Until then I need a friend, need to feel, need to feel relief
Defeated, ashamed, sick
Trying to find a reason to hold on
Because I don't want to be here
Alone, cold, unwell
Incomplete in the here and now
Mar 2018 · 90
Long Live the King
Ashley Rodden Mar 2018
I drink the rainwater, but it can never cleanse my soul.
Painted glass on the window, it don't break for no one.
Blood runs like a river, and hope won't float when it's choking on it's last words.

Fighting everyone around me, sick of trying to get inside blinded vision of what we all think life should be.
Stop, and let all the chips fall where they may and take the earth from underneath your fragile pride, feel it shake
And when it all clears and the rain clouds fade you can stay with the skeletons hidden in your grave.

Sin, it's really got a hold on you.
You don't need to exile me, I'm well on my way.
Leaving these four walls made of matchsticks in the back of my brain.
I've learned that you don't have a single word left that you can say To make me quiver when you wave them like a knife in my face. Your king is dead.

You can rearrange these bricks all day but not a single one will ever get you outta here, or take you away.
You want a throne that can never be claimed
But don't want to take the broken crown off the power in your kingdom full of fools gold, searching for a diamond in a pile full of buried hopes.

I'm ready to be released, and how do your palms like the burgundy breeze?
How poetic, everyone wants change but won't let it, get a breath until they decide that it's ready to breath.
Believe me, that's the nature of the beast.
Break it's legs and watch it try to flee, watch it hobble out of your awful reach.
Pour it's heart out in the streets and when all of this is over, sharpen your teeth so you can smile in the mirror while the rest of you depletes.
Feb 2018 · 251
Holy Words
Ashley Rodden Feb 2018
Take a look at my life
Take a look at my love
Take a look at my soul
You can't save me
And you don't even know

I got too many problems
And not enough solutions
A brain that makes people think I'm lost and gone delusional
Another sunken ship
Another stranded photo book with past's pictures plastered in it.
Holding on to heaven
While questioning why I feel so ******
And...
I've tragically adapted to this mindset.

God won't tell me if he wants me to live
Doesn't speak to me in the way portrayed in hymns
Don't breathe through me in the way that you say that you live
And don't treat me differently when satan insists.
And this is it.
Got to breathe life into this desert I roam in shame
Should leave frights window sill and leap from it's pain

And I can taste it.
As it all gets lost
But I can't register it's meaning until I figure out it's cause
So don't look at me like just another feather
Falling from the wings of the angels sent to protect you
I'm tragic,
And it shows
Blacking out before the rain comes and waking up soaked
I try to pretend that I'm far from painfully close
And face the displacement of hating what I faithfully chose
But this is obvious.
And that's exactly why you freeze
When you crawl behind my eyelids and see what I've been seeing
When you fall into my silence you find out what it means
When they say that it's the quiet ones that always want to scream
Hush,
It's not about words
Force fed holiness will only make it worse
The law drenched loneliness is scorching the burns
Of what God really feels like compared to words
Jan 2018 · 103
Words as Weapons
Ashley Rodden Jan 2018
Twist around as the sun drowns
Stick pills in your mouth and go to bed
We're not doing this again
We ain't got the time
You keep me locked up in your broken mind
And I keep searching never to find
A light behind your eyes
You keep living in your own lies
Keeping me guessing, keeping me terrified
Lock me in, knock me out talking like you do
You can't exist within your own head
So you insist on haunting mine
You take everything from my world then
Say, "Please help me?" right before you fall again
Keep me dumb, keep me paralyzed and I wonder why...
Why keep swimming when I'm drowning?
You're not the saint you externalize to be and
You spit out the hateful
Using your words formed as weapons against me.
Jun 2016 · 487
Compassion
Ashley Rodden Jun 2016
I've been here so many times
Doing all the time while you are
Committing the crimes
Of passion and lust
Watching you work
Yourself ashes to ashes and
Dust to dust
Your love might be my damnation
And ill cry to my grave
Holding on to someone I hardly really know
Cool as they come one day and a hot mess the next
All the late nights and phenomenal ***
All the ***** and cigarettes
Haunting my thoughts consuming all my days
Always craving more, giving until I have  nothing left to give away
You cry out for me to save you and I always try my best
Holding you up until I collapse

You Bleed me dry of every ounce of strength and
Leave me with no absolutes only hurt
This chip on your shoulder we call bipolar
Feels like the weight of the world
Only way to face it is to muster up all your courage  

The tone in your voice always changes
Sometimes you sound just like a stranger
You load up your questions and pick up all your sticks and your stones so
I can be your shelter for heartaches that don't have a home
Use the words that cut to the bone
Im no longer afraid when you rare back and take aim
I'll be the target for all your hearts pain

Wish I could say I've never been here before but we both know
I'll always come back for more
I must find comfort in all the hurting
You **** me dry then leave me wondering
Did I really even save you at all or am I just a bandage for the worst that's yet to come
You act like a fool but I am the fool in this game called doing what lovers do
Im your enemy and your ally,
You're everything until something more important comes your way

But let me tell you something,
No true love ever came from money and power
No family was ever built on working so many hours
Friendship doesn't blossom from one sided conversations
Trust isn't earned from faking a happy face
Respect isn't given when you only take away

The aftermath leaves my soul broken on the floor with no where to escape
In this broken home
May 2016 · 422
Not anymore than this
Ashley Rodden May 2016
Thoughts erupt in the night
calling me and it's daring
To relive those days when
I miss your smile, I miss your eyes,
And now we're out of time
What would it take for you to look at me like you used to
because you don't anymore

The clock strikes two and I'm longing for you
Where have you gone?
I'm staring at the phone so alone
With my heart beating on its own

I think I'll always love you,
No,
I know I'll always love you

The clock strikes three
It's too late for me
Well, it hurts so bad this time
Staring at the phone all I know
Is that is what I hold

The clock strikes four
I can't take anymore
It feels so real this time
Staring at the phone all it brings
Are tears but then rings

And when we finally say "hello"
It brings me back to all I know
I'm sorry love, I'm coming home

Where I can hear you breathe
Back to what I need
You,
Because your heart is home to me
May 2016 · 286
Prisoner of Despair
Ashley Rodden May 2016
My mind is fading
As I cast my tears to the wind and watch it all fall apart
I'm front and center to the execution of my own heart
should of seen it coming so I could play into the part
Instead of hiding under the covers and throwing hope to the stars and making a last wish
I've got a smile like a lashed whip, slashed open with our last kiss
Lover with a dagger in these cracked ribs                                          
You laugh
Because nobody questions the clown until the paint washes off
Picking shattered pieces of the crown out of the holes left whittled in my brow
When it all finally broke open, left me out of reach, with a mouth full of love songs scratching at my teeth
Get back on my feet, and stop acting like I never had a chance to be free
Break me out of here
I'm freezing
Wrapped in these chains made of fear
  I'm fading
In this rain made of tears
Tragedy, is like a drug stuck into the veins of my two-faced love
Day dreaming about your face, and when I'll pass that lit torch with the blue flame up
With a cross to bare, heavy with my black lung breathing, stuck
No power to the last one leaving, all these cracked words leaking out of my mouth
Now leaving a blank slate looking for peace, and all I wanted was a hide out
A nice place to learn how to lie down and die when the time doesn't fly
I should have learned by now that time doesn't slide in the direction of these tears pouring out of my eyes
I should have seen it, or felt it, traced its body with a felt tip pen, and glued its image onto myself
They should of told me its closer to a heavenly hell
Instead of forcing me to smile when all the breath in me fails
I'm just a prisoner now
Apr 2016 · 580
Black Rose
Ashley Rodden Apr 2016
I saw you alone in the garden, I wanted you so much
You were different and rare, I couldn't get enough
I tried to save you from yourself,
I felt every high and low
But now the lows have drowned out the highs,
And there's nowhere else for me to go
your thorns are cutting into me as
I watch your petals wilt away,
And I can't bring you back to life
Black Rose
You were always where the sun could never go,
I never wanted you to have to be alone
But I couldn't find a way to help you grow because
You never tell me how you feel and your moods, they always change
I really tried to make it real but you never had the faith
I tried to give you something good to take away your pain
I tried to make you understand that it don't have to be this way
Black Rose
You are who you are
All that you've been put through couldn't be repaired
I couldn't break through, too far apart now
I'm the one who's hurt, but I'm the only one who cares
You need someone to turn to
And I'm no longer there
I can't bring you back to life
Black Rose
Every time I held you I knew that it would hurt but
Only through the pain could I find a way to learn
So wilt away, I can't bring you back to me now,
Because you've never seen the garden of Eden
Only the garden of bleeding,
Where your roots maybe ***** but your petals remain pretty
Black Rose
Feb 2016 · 614
Mr. Know It All
Ashley Rodden Feb 2016
So you think you're my savior
Trying to save me
From all that you think
I don't know
But you do
You just know it all
And that makes you
Some kind of a God
As you worship your
disease
And all that it brings you
Art is your muse
Magic your obsession
You like to judge and accuse
Like you have the right to
Sitting upon your throne
Of everything you think
You know
Feb 2016 · 539
Idealistic Love
Ashley Rodden Feb 2016
This is the first
Rush of infatuation
But for romance
to be successful
you have to love a
person's flaws as
well as their imperfections
Romance fades
Infatuation doesn't last
The idea of what you think
love is
keeps you hanging onto
the past
The what was
And could have beens
**** with you head
Wanting so bad
for love to be true
But I'm afraid
it's all just idealistic
And never comes true
Dec 2015 · 654
Haunting My Mind
Ashley Rodden Dec 2015
The vines of your emotions
Entangle me
I can't break free
Trapped in the darkness
Of your past history
The way we are
Is the reason I stay
I'm addicted to the *******
Of the pain
The hurt confines me
What your dreams are made of
Engulfs me in a nightmare
The lovers from your past
Grasp my feet and trip me
As I walk towards you
In this hallway lined with pictures
of your past memories
I'm trapped on this roller coaster ride
Called bipolar
Your words suffocate
And define me
The fear of not being good
enough to compete
Overwhelms my brain
But how can I win
When I'm paralyzed
Save me from the ones
who haunt you in the night
When I let you in you
you just want out
If i tell you the truth
You'd just vie for a lie
If you follow me
you will only get lost
If you try to get closer
you will only lose touch
i already know too much
But tell me that you love me
because i need you so much
I can't live with myself
or the
Salt you pour in these open wounds
and i cant heal the way
i feel about you
will the hunger ever stop
Your eyes like a car crash
and i can't look away
can we ever starve this sin
that kiss you stole
it held my heart and soul
like a deer in the headlights
i met my fate
if i try to fight this storm
i only tumble overboard
and the tides just bring me back to you
the waves pull me under
in this rough sea
of your past flings
consuming me
Sep 2015 · 637
"That Sad Missouri Song"
Ashley Rodden Sep 2015
You said “Sing me a lullaby so sweet,
That the dark will stay away from me
Because my eyes see things they don't want to see,
Help me”
So I started to tremble out a verse
But my words aren't lining up with yours
And the way we hurt is even worse without each other

So you get drunk
And I loose faith in your words
Written for a girl when you had nothing to hide,
And I cry
Cause I’m missing you and you're missing California but
It’s a long way back from Missouri

And as the sun falls dark behind the sea,
I feel your eyes steal another look at me,

I said “I’m looking for things I’ll never see,
Release me"
And how’d this summer air just get so cold?
And how’d this quiet girl just get so bold?
And how have I become something you can’t hold?

So I get drunk
And you loose faith in my melody
Written for a boy when I felt so much inside,
And you cry
Cause you're missing me and I'm missing Missouri
But it’s such a long way back from California
Ashley Rodden Sep 2015
As we make mistakes I can see the light come around
And strange as it seems I’m bursting at the seams
For things to turn around
My photos don’t turn you on anymore
My stone washed jeans are darker than they seemed
It all tastes the same though, so you say
But there’s something different about my mouth
You try chasing dreams but it’s harder than it seems
I can’t express my mixed emotions
About thoughtlessness
But I’ll be forever in your debt
And I try to understand the little boy inside the man
As I lay my heart in your hands
All I ask is you please just hold me close to your heart
Don’t let distance keep us apart
After all this is written in the stars
So lets teach each other again and again
I love you now and forever
Never meant to cause you sorrow or pain
Just let me explain
My heart aches
Trying to find it’s place

Sometimes I don’t know why I care
I sit down and take all my makeup off
I lay down but you don’t wake up
Sometimes I wonder if you even know I’m here
I can’t remember the last time we had a real heart to heart
But I’m a woman
And I deserve your all
I’m not some girl who doesn’t know what she wants
I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
Because being just your girl isn’t enough
I hope you wake up before it’s too late to make up
No one will ever replace me
And I miss what we had
All I really need to hear is I’m your only one
Instead I find so many more
I’m not a friend who only needs you sometimes
And if I’m truly your lady
You got to treat me like it
I’m a woman with a heart
One part love, one part wild
Skin, hair and eyes
That are only mine
Why don’t you appreciate all that
I thought you adored?
I don’t just want to be a part of your world
I want to be what your universe is made of
Don’t leave me in all this pain
Come take these tears away
Un-break my heart
Time is so unkind
And life can be so cruel
So why do you have to lie to me
Just be a man about it

For I so love you I give you all of me
But you no longer appreciate a single thing
I’ve tried to tell you a thousand times
But you don’t listen baby
I think you want other women
I think you play around on me
Maybe I drew first blood
But if you want to keep this real
You were the first to hurt my soul
You told me everything was cool
So how come I feel like such a wreck
How come I’m all alone
You say everything will be fine
Why am I losing my mind
How come I feel like a fool
Why do I keep loosing you
Why do I love in despair
When you’re not there
There’s no me without you
I try baby
Really I do
But I’m only a woman

So before we have a bigger problem
Let me take it from here
You should think about the time you waste
Because my last name isn’t going to change this way
So can we just take it all back
Back to all the moonlit nights of making love
I just need to know I’m all you want and more
The odds are clearly stacked against us
We’ve been in this storm way too long
There are many things that test us
But the only way to win is to pick up a sword and stay storng
So I need to know
Do you want to take this back…?
We can’t stay in each other’s lives without making some sacrifice
And you don’t take this serious
Because I give my all
And that’s never good enough
For better or worse I’ve kept all my promises intact
I honored love
But it becomes so hard when my hands are tied
Everything you could want or need lies within me
It’s staring you in the face
I love despite the heartbreaks and being left out
You’re not the only one who’s been around
Of all the others you’re thinking of
I’m the one who’s showing you all about love
I don’t need my hands to feel the things I feel inside
I know that which is inside my heart is right
And they won’t hold you like me
They won’t touch you like me
And I manage to love you with hands tied behind my back

There’s cracks in our hearts and heads
But your smile sticks a kiss that could stop it
I just want to be better than all that came before me
Do you need to go and find everyone who cared for you
To know this
Because that will be nothing more tomorrow
You say you couldn’t do the things you did before
You won’t leave me ever again
Because you can’t stand to be alone for long
There’s always something missing in the after glow
But I’m always here to save you from the dark
Even after you take away my halo
Jun 2015 · 498
Undesirable
Ashley Rodden Jun 2015
Trying to find my way into you
I let you have your way with me
Begging from my knees that
All I want is you
Am I so unlovable because that's true?
Am i Unreachable because you don't touch me the way you used to
Unsavable  trying to stay afloat
These seas of turmoil and lost hope
Unforgivable when words cut straight through
Leaving  us with these open gapping wounds
No use talking when words fall upon deaf ears
No use crying when you've seen so many tears
Dreams are made of clay when they never quite come true
Am I so unlovable when all I wanted was you?
You lift me up just to watch me fall
**** with head like its nothing at all
Why dont you just hold me baby the way you used to do?
What makes my lonely heart feel this way?
Have we become impossible to save?
You get close to my skin and
I reach to touch you but
You wont let me in
Why wont you surrender?
I'm the only one left when your day is done
And yet my heart bleeds
As I become so unlovable to you
Jun 2015 · 617
Breaking the Silence
Ashley Rodden Jun 2015
Violent breathing keeps the oxygen flowing through these torn up lungs and
My hearts beating but it can’t save you so it seems
And I still have messages to send to the one I love
So I sing into the night
And try to break all the silence between our hearts
With one attempt to rise above this hurt
Avenge my soul and mend your soul
I can feel your heart through my hands
I feel your loneliness and I’m reaching out to you
Give this a chance to lift us up and out,
Bring us above this solid ground
I’ll do whatever it takes,
Whatever it takes to break the silence in our hearts...
Jun 2015 · 477
Clinging to the Past (14W)
Ashley Rodden Jun 2015
I try so hard to hold onto a past
that's already let me go.
Jun 2015 · 1.6k
UnGrateful
Ashley Rodden Jun 2015
You steal my eyes
And it's okay, I don’t even need them
I don’t want to see anyone but you anyways

You take me for granted
You take me for reasons known only by you

You pierce my heart, now it's useless
But, I don’t even really need it
It belongs to nobody other than you

You cut out my tongue,  and I’m left speechless, a defeatist
But , it's okay my lips need only to say your name
And I’ll waste away, to nothing at your feet again

I’m hollowed out, can’t you see?
You’ve ripped out the soul from within me
Now, I have little to show for anything
When you take me for granted the way you always do...
May 2015 · 405
Wishful Thinking
Ashley Rodden May 2015
Imagine that YOU'RE the prize and the safe harbor for him. Imagine that he would do ANYTHING to get into your heart and your life. Imagine that he yearns to be with you because you are who you are. Because he loves you more than anything he's ever loved before....
Then snap back into reality because it's all just wishful thinking after all.
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