I know it’s still summertime,
But I’m frozen here.
My insecurities eat my alive.
Being led merely by fear.
There is a small fraction of myself,
That wants to work at this and be better.
But the majority of my being
Says “it’s all the same, what does it matter?”

So I give her a kiss on the forehead and send her off.
That girl that used to have my name.
I tell her she’s right and I know I’m wrong.
But if I separate myself maybe we will come out of this okay.
And she pleads for me to just keep trying to heal the wounds I keep sprinkling with salt, and wondering why they never get better.
She reaches for my hand to keep me close, but I’ll never let her.

I know it’s still summertime.
I understand the calendar year.
I see the rays with my eyes just fine
But I don’t feel them here.
And there’s a glimpse of hope I sometimes get when I close my eyes.
But then their viciously pried open by my chattering mind.

Sweet, sweet girl. Your innocence is admirable. I’ve been burned so many times I’m finally numb to it all. I’m ok with solitude, although I used to crave company. I’m alright with sadness. It’s woven it’s way inside of me and now we blend, we mold into one, so every time I’m hurt I don’t come undone. I just keep climbing but with no goals because it’s the only way I know. Any version of myself that believes in a new season, I’m gonna have to let her go. I try to trust her gut instinct but in the end she hurts me so.
I’m okay with this burden, and carrying it on my own.

I never thought I could be repaired.
Honestly, I never really cared.
Once I accepted that I was damaged.
I never saw it as a disadvantage.

Then you waltzed into my life.
Hiding in my dark cave you came in-a ray of light.
And in time you healed all my breaks and cracks
until I was whole again, you brought me back.

I could never find words to thank you for all of this.
Your support as I grew and as I flourished.
I was reborn but didn't realize it until I looked back
I had to see what I've evolved from to understand that.

I never asked to be repaired.
But in the end, the truth was that I really did care.
Somehow you saw that I wanted to be new
and you saw the light at the end, so you led me through.

Sometimes life just has a beautiful way,
of breaking you down and then showing you it can be okay.
When the rough parts seem endless just know that they're not.
hold on to what makes you shine with all that you've got.

I've been victimized.
I've been ignored.
I've been terrorized.
Don't know what for.
I am revolted by what you've turned out to be.
Because i threw all of my faith your way, but it was hardly a swing, but surely a miss.
& Now i'm not sure who I've chosen to be.
This soul that's overwhelmed with insecurities.
I've lost this playful heart that was ready for what's to come.
Pushed into a state of fury leaving me abandoned.

Spinning around in this powerless despair.
I had the reigns, had the control, i swear it was all there.
I swear I'm only vicious with my words when provoked.
Embarassed and ridiculed, only cries flee from my throat.

This insignificance i feel is burning through my veins.
I'm isolated from any warmth that still remains.
Am i really so inadequate, that you can't be considerate
and why am i even thinking on it? I was so sure of this confidence
but it's gone. Yes it's fled. And now it's just yours words echoing through my head.

I used to be inspired. I used to be so sure.
Until this emptiness made it's way into my core.
I piercing silence lingers through the air that i breathe in
A hesitant avoidance every time you try to come back in
into this safe place that used to be, before you used your claws to break through me, and any sense of safety,

I’ve been around the world, danced around the earth.

I’ve loved with all i have, I’ve cried until it hurts.

I’ve slept the days away, hoping i’d wake up to a change,

and i’ve thrived off life in bright lights, i’ve set myself a stage.

but all that’s missing from the experiences i’ve faced

and all that’s missing from the lovers, and worlds i’ve chased is your

embarassed smile that you try to hide, but i’ve always admired the way it shines,

and watching your shadow appear on the wall, so i know you’re here so i’m not feeling small.

and your particular attention paid to every single word i say and you always know how to make me recover from my fall.

i want that all the time. stop rewind, bring you back within the walls of what you left behind.

—I’ve fought with fire and passion, I’ve loved with my heart and aggressiom

I’ve kissed the kindest in the downpours of rain.

Never recipricated any passion in any kind of fashion, guys in my heart it always holds a special place, a place for your

—-and maybe i’m insane, waiting and waiting for things to change, but i cant just flip a switch to send you away. You flow through my veins now, and you are sewn in my skin now. you can’t leave me here to decay

In the sunshine, with the bright sky, everything feels alright.

When you’re thriving, not just surviving, i’m just existing in a world of black and white.

where’s the color? I lost the bright lights, i’m following the echoes of a voice that sounds like home,

and i can hear it, bouncing off the walls here, i am searching for the sound to follow to get back to my soul.

-I don’t remember, i don’t recall, what it’s like to feel anything at all. I don’t recognize this force that i’ve become. I’m not afraid, I’m not defeated, i’m not ready to run, all i can feel is numb.

—Starry night filled skies, my eyes shining in the moonlight, everything seems quite alright.

when you’re full of passion and mystery, not just existing, in an empty life.

where’s the fire, where’s the madness? Wheres the fury, strength and passion?

where tomorrow is irrelevant and yesterday’s distant, and i only care about right here right now.

—-who tore my wings out from my back, who put the fire out? Who closed my eyes, and left me reaching with my arms out? Who stole the stars out of my sky, and cut my neck to bleed my dry, of all the hope, all the life, all the courage i had dreaming in my mind, oh what’s it gonna take for me to pull out of this grave? Oh what’s it gonna take form me to rise above this pain? I know it was the hopelesness inside, that took the reins from my sweaty hands, and led me to this place, it led me to face myself every day

There a fire under my seat

forcing me on my feet

it’s begging for me to keep moving now

.and it’s chasing me

i’m running aimlessly

into the distantce it follows me now.

—and when i start to give up i ignite, like infinite rays of radiant, glowing sun shine. & i’m gleaming with strength, determination swimming through my veins, as i’m blooming in the bright lights.

—When i doubted myself i was scared

for this journey i felt so unprepared.

and now i’ve got my guns, and they’re dusted off, ready for the war.

and if i hurt, if i bleed

if i start to become weak

i can coax out the life that resides in my core.

I can’t figure you out.

You take the puzzles pieces from my hands and then you make them fit somehow

and you can re arrange my life and still make it work

the way you decorate my heart with your pretty thoughts you put into words

like a poet, you write our story like a song

you steer me in directions, and you never steer me wrong,

just when i thought the ground had fallen away from my feet

you show me that nothing in this life constitutes as defeat

—and i keep fighting, with these fists like iron now,

only because you kept me grounded, you showed me how

how to love with everything but never forget that nothing is ever what it appears to be, you took the blindfolds off of me, and let me see.

—You showed me there is no such thing as honesty.

you take the stories you are given and believe what you want to believe.

nobody’s perfect, but that includes your very own soul.

and the mistakes your fathers make will soon be your own.

—you can’t cure all the wrong that rains on this world

you reminded me just to keep going,

you’re a train going along, for miles and then back,

and sometimes we fall away from the tracks

but that doesn’t mean you can’t get back