20 years old
lacking a box spring and bed frame

I eat when I'm depressed
I'm depressed a lot
I eat when I'm anxious
I'm anxious a lot
I eat a lot
The new stretch marks on the corner of where my arm meets my shoulder scream
"THIS BODY CONSUMES A LOT OF FOOD"
And I hate myself for it
And I want to hide
And that's cliche
But the feeling of worthlessness only comes from misogynistic beauty standards being shoved down my throat from since I was little
But my brain doesn't care where that feeling comes from
My brain tells me to eat
or to throw up after I eat
or to run because I ate too much
and then eat some more
I would probably die from shock if I told myself I was beautiful
And, since I don't want to die
right now
I'll just eat and hate myself for it

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach right before you skydive?
Yeah, me neither
But, I'm assuming that feeling feels something like the way my stomach has been feeling the past few months
I guess some people like that feeling though
The adrenaline rush right before you fall
I bet they would feel differently in a situation lacking the dauntless sky dive after the feeling in their stomach arrives
Just an upset tummy is not as appealing, I would say
And that's how I feel.
I feel like I should be jumping out of a plane, swimming with menacing creatures of the sea, or climbing a mountain.
But the latter doesn't happen.
It never happens
The feeling marks it's territory with it's little flag and footprints on my stomach but then it never leaves
And nothing ever follows the feeling
Nothing exciting
Nothing to look forward to
Just an upset tummy

The weather is warmer
More skin is shown
More comments are made

I was afraid to tell you again.
It's been so long
I've made progress
...I couldn't stop it
So, you don't know
The distance between you and me makes it easy to hide
But everyone else knows
They notice the discolored pigmentation on my wrists

hi im an introvert often mistaken for an extravert
i prefer listening
let me observe
i dont mind sitting with myself
notice that im not alone
i have me
and my thoughts
and this soft blanket of calm
dont take my blanket from me please

Depression has decided to suffocate me occasionally and I need a break
I can't go to class if I can't breathe
I can't socialize if I can't breathe
I can't feel joy if I can't breathe
But Depression doesn't listen to me
Depression doesn't mind seeing me in pain
Depression feeds off of my self loathing
Depression is really quite rude to me

I'm embarrassed to tell you
It's not something I'm proud of
I burn because it makes me feel better
until it doesn't
I know you don't get it
It's okay
I've been alone this whole time anyways

How dare you?
How dare you make me feel...
                        ...like this
when I smell your aftershave on a stranger

Would I recognize you
If I saw you again
Would you smile
Say hello
Remember me?
"Ashleigh, right?"
Would I blush
I'm sure I would blush
"Noah, right?
Fumble over my words
Wanting more than the moment we had in that silver box
The elevator doors opened
And I will never see you again
Unless you were meant to open more
For me
And you would ask me,
"Could I call you sometime?"
You, with the strawberry cheeks
Shyly
"Of course"
Favorite pen on hand
His hand
Noah
The boy on the 4th floor I will probably never see again
Sincerely, the ******* the 4th floor you will hopefully see again

A sort of happiness existed inside me that hasn’t stepped foot in this unoccupied shell  for years
The familiar humming of my mini fridge
Vibrating enough that I can feel it
through the heels of my naked feet
Gripping to my left earlobe
as if climbing its way into my head
Reminding me that here
in this place
I’m much happier than I was on Spitfire
The stench of cigarette smoke
Memorized dimensions of walk-in closets
Forced happiness
Forever lost on that cul-de-sac

“I have found what you are like” E.E. Cummings
But you are not like the rain
An Addiction
Oreos
You are to me like a black and white cookie
Rough edges
Filled with the best part
Ugly to the world
Ugly to me
Once.
Three bites to be exact
And that was the end to my drug free life
One month to be precise
And that was the end to my clear head
I have indeed found what you are like
A temptation I struggle to not seek out
An Oreo cookie

They’re ****** into your life for a reason
She said
You have to push them out
She said
You have to learn the lesson
She said
Control
A powerful action exhibited by the smallest of people
Childlike fingers crushing your esophagus as though their life depends on your suffering end
Vomiting words onto your shoes in hopes that some of it made it to your ears
Smothering you with everything you never said and everything you can never say
No, you listen
I’m talking
Look at me he said
But you can’t
Because your eyes are glazed over and the bruises around your sockets are swelling and all you can make out are the shapes of terrors you can never wake up from
But you have to learn the lesson
She said

You realized.
It took a crowd of people
9 months
One couple
But you finally realized
I'm here
You chose
Leave or embrace what we are

Pushing me down
far into the ground beneath the curve
fronts facing
lips
hands
legs
Stop.
I'm done
not because I want to
the ground pulled me away
until next time