I feel the constant need for your approval
For you to say I can or can't
The constant need to know you're okay
If I do this or say that or go there

Why can't I just be independent
And do what I want to do
Why can't I just say, who cares
And not worry about what you think

At night as I lay there crying
Your words, or lack thereof, are what keep me up
They make me wonder if I'm enough
Or if you just make it through with the failure I am

I know I fail, you can see it too
So why do you stay, why do you torture me
Make me happy and sad all at once
You mean the world to me, yet you tear it down

Some nights I shake inside
Uncontrollably.

Will i ever wander again,
be & feel free to wonder & stray,
or remain this way, in this state ?

Am i losing my mind ?
Will peace ever again be mine ?
Is there space in my head,
is there enough recovery time ?

To want to die
is no choice of mine,
but no time for nine,
cats stitches to rhyme.

Please realise,
i've committed no crime,
the demons returned once more,
and invaded my mind.

Alone in a hole,
thats all i have as my home.
Temporary vacation i hope,
but its a long long road.

Hard to take,
is life real or fake ?
Muster a smile,
for even just a while.
Keep them at bay,
out of the way,
don't want to hurt them,
they wouldn't understand anyway.

The sadness i hide,
like a child, in solitude i cry,
feel i could die.

Twas here only yesterday,
then happiness moved swiftly away,
so for now in limbo i stay.

And everyday i die inside,
just that little bit more.
Surrounded by family & friends,
yet feel so insecure, lonely & unsure.

The burgeoning question that burdens, haunts & hurts my brain,
Will me & myself ever be friends again ?

Once again I became ****** up
Didn't want to but nobody held a ******* gun to my head
I was asked if I wanted a mix drink
And I said sure why not
Why the **** do I relapse all the time?
Something is stopping me moving forward
And making a good life for myself
I forget how much I drank to be honest
I ******* drank a lot
Then to add on top of it I just took my afternoon psyche meds
Anyway, I blacked out later on through the day
I came to with my next door neighbor ******* my ****
I didn't ask him to do that
I pushed him aside and grabbed my cds and ran outside
I went to my place and passed out again
Now all these ******* emotions are coming to the surface
I want to run away and forget it all
I want to drink over this so badly but I know I can't
Once again alcohol has left a bad memory in my heart
If only I didn't go over to his place
If only I didn't drink way too much
Now I can see the child within myself
Crying to find some ******* closure
Asking my older brother why
Asking my next door neighbor why
Now it's all falling to pieces
I can let it take me
But I am going to ******* survive
I'm not going to let it beat me
No, I am going to ******* beat this
And come out on the other side a better man

You bring to my life
The most joy I've ever felt
But you take from my soul
The only love I ever knew

Why must you be so kind to me
So loving and caring
But then turn around and make me feel
Like I am nothing compared to you

Is this how I'm supposed to live
One day feeling great and the next terrible
Is this what love is always like
One day on fire and the next burning down

I just want us back to how we were
Laughing and loving and inseparable
But now as I look at you from across the room
I know that it can never be again what it once was