For some time
it occurred to me
I was better off
mute than loud

the words I spoke
always lost in the happy glow
the strength I attained
never seemed to shine
like their faces
spending time with their friends

at 3am
the light will distort your vision
I just want you to know
I wont ever let anyone in
cuz I cant accept myself
for who I really am

I know under the bright sun
friends in tow
glances back and forth
i look crystal clear
you have me figured me out
don't you?

you're wrong
I am crystal clear
but
what you don't see
is the miniscule cracks lining my skin
you don't see the terror
inside of me
slipping through

I want you to know now
before
its too late
cuz I am me
and I'm cracking
you don't want to love
someone
like
me

they heard voices
i wondered
i heard voices too
but then I realized
the voice was only my own
I had let this hate eat my flesh
tear my veins
swelled my heart till it was too large to
feel warmth again

i wasn't a monster
no I was me
the girl
with the nervous hands
timid voice
nothing changed
only the depths of my dreams

and the catch was
no one
in my view of sight
wanted to be my hook
leap in
be my warrior

and tonight
with my inner voice
telling me things
embarking them in my brain
I know
everything is uncertain
tomorrow
I can only dream

so young
so unsure
he was confined to the seat with great big wheels

so naive
so loud
she was lost in the pitch dark world

both trapped
searching, grasping, trusting
for a cure

In the beginning
on the dew covered grass
with the stars laughing in the sky
her arms found mine
everything was unintentional, as if it was the greatest surprise
us, her, I

In the middle
on the silky sand dunes
with the sun dancing in the sky
the space between her and I, expanded
everything was fast, as if on a planned schedule
us, her, I

At the end
on the flannel sheets
with the fan spinning on the ceiling
the air we breathed, touched, was separated by a glass window
everything was moping, as if heavily medicated

and this time
it was just her
no more us
no more "I"

they say the ghosts lived in her eyes
i don't think that's true
I think her eyes will always shine
maybe not in the light
but at 3 am
all alone
when only nightmares occupy her mind
her eyes will shine
she will feel
and
one day you might just catch a glimpse
and know shes alive
for real

i try to be what you want
no more wasting time
oh i have to study, study, study
but i sit
and all that happens
are the screws in my head grate together
eventually slipping from there locked position
they fall
as do my restraints
all i do is think
honey bees and summer smiles
my bed wrapped in my comforter
only if that was all my life granted me

instead I'm stuck wasting time
writing poetry
instead of writing essays
which will decide where I deserve to be