pulling dead grass from its roots
alone in the silence
if thats what you call it when the voices scream louder than anything real
utterly chilly but ignoring that the best i can
as im waiting for someone im set on seeing tonight
the skys a great mess of clouds
wow
my hands are shaking rapidly
breathing has slowed
even the moths dont dare touch me; dont dare interact
a pile of glass sits in front of me
but dont be fooled, not all glass is sharp
even when you want it to be
so i'll be okay i'll be alright i'll be alone
i just cant get over the ******* sky and the breeze and the things that are so simple and taken for granted each crisp night
do you even notice real beauty anymore
or are you that drown in pain
i find comfort in the night
as its as eerie and lonely as i always am

BABY I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN
I MEAN I FIGURED I BEAT IT YKNOW??? ID BEEN MORE HAPPY THAN I EVER THOUGHT I COULD BE
HEY GUESS WHAT THO
ITS BACK BABE ITS ALL BACK AGAIN
ITS BROUGHT ITS COMPANIONS LIKE ALWAYS
AS IF ITS NOT ENOUGH TO BARE ALREADY
TEARS
ISOLATION
LONELINESS
NUMBNESS
WOUNDS (BY THIS I MEAN EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY BUT THAT'S INEVITABLE)
I'M MORE THAN SURE ITS COME TO RUIN MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN
WHICH I JUST CANNOT HAVE
****
ITS FINALLY SO ******* PERFECT
IT DOESN'T CARE THO HAHA
WHY WOULD IT CARE THAT IVE GRASPED A JUBILANT LIFE NOW?
IT FEEDS OF FEAR AND COWARDLY ONES
THAT MAKES ME WEAKER THAN MOST
I SHOULD SAY GOOD BYE NOW BEFORE ITS TOO LATE
IM SURE IT WILL **** ME THIS TIME
ILL **** ME
BCS I DON'T REALLY HAVE THE ENERGY TO FEND THIS OFF AND STAY ALIVE.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS RIGHT? RIGHT?
WELL LIKE
I LOVE YOU
AND SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE?
THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE TEND TO SAY WHEN THEY'RE LEAVING FOREVER
ALSO I SHOULD TELL YOU IM SORRY
FOR HURTING YOU AND STUFF
FOR LEAVING U WITH MY MESS
BUT MOSTLY FOR THIS ******* CLICHE ENDING

The voices always screamed
So did my mother
I couldn't take this
She started to hit my brother

She needed to be taught a lesson
For when she made him cry
I grabbed a book of matches
She is going to die

My thoughts are often violent
Dr. John says I'm not well
I see him twice a week
But I'm already going to hell

So I lit the fire
It started with her bed
Everyone is dying
Or is it in my head ?

The fires in the lawn now
And all the grass is dead
All the grass is dead
Or is it in my head?

Each blade of grass burnt
Brings me much concern
I've hurt my whole family
Now it is my turn

Part one:
We stop saying I love you every night
The fights are too much
You're always angry
You're always violent
I still love you
Part two:
I don't remember the last time you said I love you
I don't think you do anymore
The neighbors called the police on us last night
My hospital bracelet is itchy
My bed is cold
I still love you  
Part three:
I question if this is right
I've never been in worse shape
You say sorry
You tell me you love me
I still love you
Part four:
You lied about loving me
The damage is done
You're finally locked away and gone
But

I still love you

So, I lay where we did earlier today
Where we were yesterday, and the day before
Drowning, surrounded in blankets ((the blankets hold much more than lint and old lousy dryer sheets stuck on the edges) ))
They hold memories, laughs, smiles
The pillows witnessed our secret telling
Watched us kiss
Watched us fall in love over and over again((at least me falling in love with you, i'll never understand how someone could love me yknow)))
And at night they remind me of you and remind me to miss you
They make sure my dreams are dark nightmares of losing you
Nightmares of you not loving me
Dark thoughts of losing trust
Losing our smiles
You left your drink on my table and I wouldn't dare touch it until I know you're coming back to me
For what if you never come back and all I have left of you is that old cup of flat mt. dew on my broken little table
Every time I look at it I can be reminded of your lips, taking a sip
(maybe then I won't forget how it felt when your lips touched mine.,..,..)
My bedroom screams of you and always will so please don't leave
My life is sad until you come back the next day don't you understand that???
I couldn't bare the memories here
I couldn't bare the perfect marks you left with me
You etched your name into me in places I'll never forget so
Please stay
Because alone, in THIS room????? That's not something I could bare

cigarettes burning
stomach churning
menthol air
spark a flare
crisp night
bout to light
square pack
never go back

your leftover scent on my bed
reminds me of good things
but its a cruel punishment
to sleep alone, cold
drowning in thoughts ((memories too)) )

I'D LIKE TO WRITE YOU INTO MY FAVORITE POEM AND PAINT YOU ONTO MY MOST BEAUTIFUL CANVAS
FOR YOUR WORDS WRITE ME SONGS AND YOUR LOOKS DESERVE SILVER FRAMES
YOUR LIPS ARE A MUSEUM IN A CITY NEAR YOUR GLOSSY EYES
HOLDING HANDS BRINGS WARMTH TO THE BREEZY SUMMER DAYS
YOU MAKE ME MORE THAN HAPPY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO DISCOVERING THE ART THAT YOU'VE HIDDEN WITHIN YOUR SOUL

Sometimes my scars still burn
Sometimes tears still flow sometimes you still cross my mind
Lots of times Im still lonely
Though now I'm not alone
I remember my pain
I remember you
I remember the darkness
It might just be coming back

It's 11:11
I wish for you
I wish for happiness
I wish for your arms
I also wish for you to love me
You to kiss me
You to fall asleep next to me
I wish I could return your compliments
Return the love
I wish you knew you deserved better but more than that I wish you'll never leave
I need you yknow
I wish I wasn't this exausted
I wish it wasn't getting sucky again, like before
11:12

I really don't understand this. I'm so confused why I have this. I feel like I did something to deserve it but what could be so bad that I deserve this? This is nothing; it's empty, hollow, and bare. I'm sad always, every day, every moment. Depression is horrible and I feel awful for those who have it. Everyone involved. I hate that I can't help anyone, not even myself. When you feel like this, feel like I do. Death is inviting. Like it's an end to the pain I'm always feeling. But I don't think I could do it. I'm scared of the people it would hurt; Scared of everything. I'm so sorry for everything I do. I'm only negative to everyone. I don't help. I make stuff worse, for everyone. I wish they wouldn't pretend they need me. Nothing helps, cutting doesn't even realllllyy help.. I still do it. I mean I have too yknow. I mean depression *****, and anxiety and eating disorders **** too. Mental illnesses pile up and I'm stuck and trapped in the dark alone. People say they can help. They can't.

lets get drunk
& listen to the greatest music
and laugh and you'll be you and i'll be me
we can snuggle up in the back seat of the car
gaze at the streetlights in the city
or the stars in the country
and make out if you don't mind the burning taste of alcohol on my breath
you can smoke a cig to relax
i mean we wont remember this night
but there will be more right

I TEND TO FIND MYSELF SHOVING MY BODY IN PLACES THAT ARE WARM
AND CRAVING THEM WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND
MAYBE FINDING MYSELF IN A HOT BATH, OCCASIONALLY IN YOUR SWEATER, AND OFTEN IN YOUR ARMS
THE COLD IS THE WORST
SHIVERING AND ALONE
CURLING INTO A BALL SHAKING
TRYING TO GAIN HEAT
GAIN SANITY
GAIN FEELING BACK IN MY TOES, BUT ALSO MY MIND
THE COLD WINTERS BRING OUT THAT COLD PART OF ME
THE ICY PLACE I TEND TO NUZZLE IN A BLANKET AT ANY TIME POSSIBLE
THERE'S A FLIP SIDE TO THAT HEAT THOUGH
BECAUSE SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY I CAN THINK TO GET WARM IS TO HOLD MY WRISTS OVER AN OPEN FLAME
OR MAYBE SOAK THEM IN MY OWN HOT RED BLOOD
EITHER WAY IM GAINING HIGH TEMPS RIGHT??
IM ONLY DOING WHAT I MUST TO SUPPRESS THE COLD
DON'T LET MY ICY WINDS CUT YOUR CHEEKS AND TURN YOU RED
IF I COULD BUILD YOU A FIRE I WOULD BECAUSE ITS IMPORTANT THAT YOUR HAPPY, IMPORTANT THAT YOUR NO LONGER COLD

remember when love was just a word
and kisses were in movies
remember how we used to flirt
but all the boys had cooties
remember when no one gave a ****
everyone was cool
remember how I thought I liked you
but boy I was a fool
remember the old, empty thoughts
and not to feel that way
remember how to really love
and focus on today
(ag)

PEOPLE CONSTANTLY TALKING ABOUT ME
I KNOW THE RUMORS SHOULDN'T BOTHER ME
AND I KNOW I SAY THEY DON'T
BUT WHEN EVERYONE CALLS YOU A *****
HOW CAN I NOT BELIEVE THEM
MY MORALS ARE OFF
IVE DONE A LOT IM NOT PROUD OF
IVE WALLOWED IN TEARS OVER YOUR OPINIONS
NO ONES THOUGHTS CAN MAKE YOU
BUT THEY SURE AS HELL CHANGE YOU

I CAN STILL TRACE EACH AND EVERY SCAR ON MY BODY
EACH ONE REMINDS ME OF A TIME WHERE I WAS SAD AND WEAK AND ALONE
EACH MARK THAT IVE PUNISHED MYSELF WITH SITS ON MY SKIN STILL LINGERING
IM TIRED OF THEM ALL AND IM TIRED OF FEELING UGLY
THEY MAKE ME DISCUSTING
HOW COULD YOU LOVE SOMEONE COVERED IN DEBRIS OF SELF-HATE
BUT ALSO WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT THEM?
THE CONSTANT REMINDER IS SOMETHING I DESERVE

SLICE MY SKIN
WHAT A SIN
WASH THE PAIN AWAY
AND CRY EVERYDAY
BLOOD COVERS MY ARM
FROM THE SELF HARM
RAZOR BLADES
IN A DAZE
MY BODY IS SCARS
AND I HAVE DREAMS WHERE IM RUN OVER BY CARS
I MUST PASS OUT
WITHOUT A DOUBT
THATS THE ONLY WAY I'LL SLEEP
BUT FOR NOW I WEEP
I HAVE SORROW TO LEND
BUT THIS IS MY END

YOU FLAUNT YOUR 'SADNESS' LIKE IT WAS A NEW SWEATER
YOU THINK ITS COOL TO BE DEPRESSED
YOU THINK THAT ITS A WAY TO LIVE
A LIFESTYLE TO MAKE FRIENDS,
WELL YOURE RIGHT
ITS QUITE THE STATEMENT
BUT YOU SHOULDNT BE PROUD TO SCAR YOUR BODY
ITS NOT COOL TO SULK IN BLOOD AND TEARS
SO GET OVER YOURSELF AND FIND A NEW HOBBY
MOVE ON TO THE NEXT BOLD TREND

you smoke a pack a day
trying to **** yourself in a less dramatic way
fighting tears
and losing years
your life is bad
i know your sad
i know your down
i know that frown
let me in your mind
ill be kind
ill tidy the mess
your tears will soon be less

I'm so weak
For I have not eaten for 3 days
I wanted to be lovely for you
I got sick of all the extra skin
93 pounds
This could be much less
I fear I might pass out
I must hold out
As I begin to shake
Or dispose of the food I'll ingest before it makes a difference
I hope you notice I'm trying really hard for you
I hope you still think I'm beautiful
Even if I don't
(AG)

Have you ever had one perfect moment?
You look around and see nothing wrong with what's happening
You forget everything
And enjoy the people around you
Imagine this
My perfect moment
In a car
Darkness consumed the view outside the frosty windows
Yellow streetlights were glowing
Our faces slightly illuminated, by the pale distant moonlight
A loving arm around me
Singing
Screaming at the top of our lungs
Casually sneaking in kisses
Crisp winter air seeping in from the windows
Each strike of the piano in this song brings me one second closer to the end of my jubilant moment
I'm running out of time
This worries me
Once the song is over
Problems will take over my mind once again
Pain will consume my thoughts
I only have a few seconds left of bliss
So I take it in
Five
Slow breath
Four
Look at his perfect smile
Three
We are about to get out of this car
Two
Tender kiss
One
Back into hard reality
But every time I hear that song
I get to be reminded of how it was
How perfect the moment is
How truly happy I can be.

BROUGHT A BLADE TO THE CABIN BECAUSE WHO AM I WITHOUT IT?
SHARP METAL EDGE WHO IS NOW A PART OF ME JINGLING AROUND IN MY SUITCASE.
EVERYONE IS SLEEPING NOW SO IT'S OUR TIME TO BE TOGETHER.
TREMBLING HANDS NO MORE; NOW AS I AM SO FAMILIAR WITH THIS I DONT WORRY.
GRACEFUL FINGERS REACH INTO THE TOP LEFT POCKET OF MY BAG.
I GRAB IT FROM RIGHT WHERE I LEFT IT AND SMIRK IN THE DARKNESS LOOKING DOWN AT MY LOVELY FRIEND.
I WOULDNT WANT TO WAKE ANYONE SO I'LL SLIP OUTSIDE AND SPRAWL DOWN BY THE WATER.
THE END OF THE DOCK NOW ACTS AS MY HOME WHILE I SLICE THROUGH MY ROUGH SKIN AND LET THE RED DROPLETS POLLUTE THE QUIVERING LAKE.
NOT EVEN CRYING, READY TO BE DONE WITH MY BITTER LIFE I HURL MY NUMB SOUL ONTO THE BOAT IN SEARCH OF THE ANCHOR AND ITS ROPE.
BUT IT'S HARD WHEN YOUVE LOST SO MUCH BLOOD AND LOST YOUR WILL TO MOVE.
BLACKNESS FADES IN AND OUT THREATENING TO FOIL MY SELF-LOATHING PLANS.
FALLING HELPLESSLY INTO THE SEA WHILL DO THE TRICK.
THE ***** WATER GREW UP WITH ME AND IM HAPPY TO USE IT FOR MY END.
BUT HOW TO DO IT WITH OUT MAKING A SPLASH OR WAKING MY DEAR FRIENDS?
I CANT WRITE A NOTE BUT MY MIND IS SCREAMING THAT I NEED TO MAKE MY MARK THEREFORE I CARVE MY NAME IN ROUGH LETTERS ON THE EDGE OF THAT DOCK.
BUT BEFORE I CAN CONCLUDE MY MISERY IM INTERUPED BY MY WORRISOME FAMILY AND THEY DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS ACTUALLY GOING ON, WHAT IM PLANNING, WHAT IVE DECIDED, AND HOW I FEEL.
SO I SMILE TO MYSELF AND LAUGH AT THEIR INNOCENCE.
THAT SUMMER NIGHT I WENT BACK INSIDE AND FELL BACK INTO SLUMBER WISHING I DIDNT AND HOPING NOT TO WAKE UP.
(A.G.)

Your 18th birthday is tomorrow
Some may call that the most important birthday
But you're too sad to enjoy it
You'll be spending your special day lying on a cold metal bed
Itchy sheets
In a hospital
A hospital for people like you
People who find life to hard to live
I feel so much sorrow for you
We get to throw you a party
It will last 50 minuets
That's all the time we are allowed to visit
We will bring you a cake
It's not the same though
No balloons; the popping noise scares the patients
No candles; you might burn yourself out of spite
No laughs; everyone is scared to offend you
No pictures; you feel you're too horribly ugly and don't want to remember this
You're my role model, my sister
And you're becoming an adult
But you could care less
You've grown up but what does that matter when you feel life isn't worth living
It hurts me to see you in this pain,
To see your weak hand grasping out for my gentle embrace
When your perfection is fragile and broken, who do you turn to?
Who now will offer me comfort?
Your birthday is ruined and I did nothing to stop that.
And for that I am buried in fiery guilt
A blazing roar of self-loathing
For I knew you were sad and I did little to save you
And I'm more than sorry
So I'll cry for you
And then beg for your forgiveness
(AG)

12:52pm was the time
I was sitting in lunch when I received a vague text
"I'm sorry about your sister"
My heart sank as I thought of the very worst
Clenched my fists and asked what was going on
It was then when she told me-
She's in the hospital
She tried to **** herself, Aolani.
A whirlwind of questions fluttered into my numb mind
Is she okay?
Why?
Where is she?
Where was I when she needed me?
This is my sister, my best friend we're talking about
I was in school
I couldn't cry
I can't be weak
Everyone tried to comfort me
But that's so useless
Nothing can take it back
Dad calls-
She's okay
She'll be in the hospital for quite a while, 3 weeks.
I can visit her very soon
But how will I handle that?
My role model,
The one and only girl I've ever found to be flawless,
Will be so weak and alone
Her nimble fingers inching to hold my cold shaky hands
Calling out for my affection
I'll tell her I love her because I now know how important it is
And I'll soak in tears until my sister
My older, wiser, beautiful sister
Finds peace.
(A.G.)

MIDNIGHT:
YOU'RE HURT AND FRAIL SO I MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU.
YOU'RE THE ADULT AND MY ROLD MODEL BUT YOU'RE HORRIBLY BROKEN AND I FEAR WAHT YOU MIGHT DO IF I LEAVE YOU ALONE.
THEY'RE TELLING ME IM NOT OBLIGATED TO WATCH YOU AND THAT SOMEONE ELSE CAN DO IT BUT I CANT LIVE WITH THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO HELP THE FIRST TIME.
I ALMOST LOST YOU.
I MIGHT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SAVE YOU IF I JUST GAVE YOU ADVISE OR IF I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO LEAVE MY ROOM THAT ONE TIME I GOT TIRED.
I SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THERE.
I SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG AFTER I NOTICED THE MAKEUP STAINS ON YOUR PILLOW.
OR WHEN I NOTICED THAT HOLE IN YOUR WALL.
WHY DIDNT I SAY ANYTHING THAT TIME I WALKED INTO YOUR ROOM AND SAW TEARS SPILLING FROM YOUR WEARY EYES?
THIS IS A WAKE UP CALL AND I NOW HAVE A SECOND CHANCE.
SO SISTER NOW I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
YOU'RE NOT ALONE ANYMORE.

11:37pm
It's when we spend all that time alone
When you become yourself
And I become me
It's those moments alone in the blue glowing lights in your bedroom
When I gawk at you
At your silly cross-eyed face
I notice all your adorable quirks
Embracing me in sets of two
Squeezing my hand
Laughing over idiotic videos
Caressing your sweet lips with mine
Stumbling onto your creaky bed
Looking in your eyes I do realized
That you're my very best friend
And I love you more than I ever thought possible
(AG)

6:08am
Laying in your arms
Tracing your collar bones
Sneaking a gentle kiss, casual embrace
Loving all the time spent together
Your face looks so perfect in the pale sunrise
I kiss your cheek
Our slow breaths sync up
Curl under the covers, hands on your bare chest
And fall back asleep with the reassuring thought that you'll still be by my side when I wake up
Those steady lips ready to press against mine
You've involutedly added yourself into my life
And with that thought I am ecstatic
(A.G.)

5:11pm
sitting in his room silently
desperately craving more attention
I know I can't be needy
I know it's too much to ask
he gives me kisses all the time
holds my hand
he's wonderful to me
all I want is another loving embrace
I want to cry and be comforted
but I know that's not fair
boys' don't like sad girls
so i hold it in, smile, laugh once or twice
tell stories
but I'd rather sleep, gently in his arms
I want to be held and I don't want to talk
I want to rest
too much pain to be awake in this reality
how can I be alone without being lonely?
sleeping is my only solution
but I don't want to sleep without him by my side
I need someone to distract me
he does a great job, but i crave more
I need more than possible
one tear rolls
I'm hiding it and laughing
I'll giggle until I can go home and cry out for my lover
cry out for the only boy who gives me affection
for the boy I love
for my best friend
for the only boys arms i want surrounding my body
but for now a soft smile
(a.g)

I finally got what I wanted
The wild teen crazed life
Blasting subs
Laughing, stories, aimlessly driving around
Stopping anywhere we can adventure, raise hell, bring joy, and connect with strangers
Anything to make our mark
Wild screaming laughs pour out of the windows every single night
So free
Holding onto that childish ignorance
Nothing matters when we are all together
You get to forget the pointless homework
Forget family problems
And get absorbed into the music and talks
You get to fill your mind with raging giggles, endless jokes
All those movie moments you never thought would happen
Pointless, mindless destruction
Embrace the reckless teen years
Live without responsibly
While you can
(A.G.)

AT 2:35AM I WAS WEAK AND TEXTED YOU.
FOR THE FIRST TIME I TOLD YOU ABOUT MY BLEEDING WRISTS AND TEARY EYES.
YOU STILL HAVENT OPENED THE TEXT AND IM FULL OF FEAR BECAUSE IT'S NOW MORNING.
I DONT WANT TO SHOW YOU THE CUTS IVE SCATTERED ALONG MY DISTURBED BODY.
I HOPE YOU DON'T FEEL OBLIGATED TO SHOW ME FAKE AFFECTION.
I DON'T NEED YOU TO KISS MY SCARS FOR I KNOW THEY'RE UGLY AND YOU'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THAT.
ALL I WANT IS YOU TO TELL ME IT'S OKAY SO I CAN GO ON WITH MY SELF-HATE.
BLADES REFLECT MY OWN PERSONALITY IN THE MOONLIGHT.
TEARS REFLECT MY BURNING PAIN.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE THAT SIDE OF ME AND I KNOW BOYS DON'T LIKE SAD GIRLS.
SO I'LL SUPPRESS MY FEELINGS TO HURL MYSELF OFF A BUILDING.
OR TO JUMP INTO A LAKE WITH ANCHORS TIED ON MY ANKLES.
BECAUSE THAT'S WRONG OF ME.
I WON'T SLIT MY WRISTS TOO DEEP FOR I HAVE BROUGHT YOU INTO MY WORLD AND I CANNOT DISSAPOINT YOU NOW.
SO BABY I PROMISE TO WIPE UP THE BLOOD AS LONG AS YOU CAN STILL LOVE ME.
(AG)

It's 2:29am as I sit in the bath
I'm reflecting on my sad existence
Everyone in the house is asleep
As I bathe in more tears than tap water
Dreaming of how easy it would be to slip under the steamy water
And say good bye to all the sorrow
And feel peace, bliss, jubilant
Complete perfection in a way life it's self could never deliver
Count to three
One
Two
Three
One final breath in this life,
Savor it
Fluttering eyelashes for the last time
Take in the surroundings because this is all you have left
One slow movement
Slip in
And say goodnight darling.
(A.G.)