i am her
predictor of the future
meticulous as a clock,
and as complicated too.
alone with my thoughts
you can faintly hear ticking
as i process what's to come.

affected by the past,
evidence and data shows
my next possible steps.
creator of a five year plan
to leave this town for fog,
ocean,
and small bookstores.
my skin is dry as i waste time
planning on how to save it.

i've researched career options,
tuition, moving, housing costs
for the best way to leave
the best way to live
in unfamiliar streets with unfamiliar faces
and have enough to pay for my coffee


you are him
predictor of the present
carer for the now, the what is
uplifted and bold
and impulsive as hell

i worry for your health
and for your broken seat belt
you worry for mine
and how my heart hurts

but my future couldn't keep you down,
and what we had slipped through my fingers like water
and for two people who could never really be
we tried so ******* hard.

i belong only to myself
my heart belongs only to me
and I'll find a way to fill myself
with the love i want so dearly

But today I am empty.

take one shot for every time you look in the mirror and you're disgusted by what you see
take two shots for every time you desperately seek the scale that's been hidden from you
you feel weak but have you lost weight?
what's your number?
what's your number?
who are you?
what's your number?
seeking to find a numeral definition
finding it means knowing and the lower the more worthy
the lower the less grasping at porcelain the less disgust in the mirror
less to grab, less to hold,
fading and fading until you're gone

maybe the number will reach zero some day and i'll be one with the stars and i'll be held by the sisters of Pleiades and they'll stroke my hair and tell me how nice it was for me to drop by

with death comes new breath
new life, love, longing
a grand sense of belonging
and a fresh taste of hope
that what was once broken
can be restored once more

flowers will continue to grow between the cracks of the pavement
and trees will continue to escape towards the skies
and I will continue to love you in each breath I take, even when it slightly singes my lungs

as the rain pours down on the streets and my clothes
and the cold wears me down to the very core
all i can do is remember and remember
the texture of your skin on the tips of my fingers
the softness in your hair, the harsh words you said
and the sensation of my blood on my hands

it wasn't the first time, and it won't be the last

there will be another house, another home
three bedrooms, two bathrooms
just like the last one, a different number
a different street
a different harshness underneath my feet
and my knees, but the same cold porcelain
and the same homesick feeling
i've felt for as long as i can remember

The way I hate you washes over me in waves. The weight of the water crushes my rib cage, and I want to scream louder than I've ever screamed before.

The way I love you tears at me from the inside out. My heart bursts under the pressure of the pain you've given me, and I want to scream louder than I've ever screamed before.

Physical pain is incomparable to this.