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i’m


    began                                        back

    ­
     i                                                            agai­n


where                                              at


    from ­                                  the

       place
 Oct 2014 Antonena Ishkova
Kelsey
i open the front door & a small
man with his shirt buttoned all
the way up asks me if i'd like to
buy a pocket bible, so i can
worship wherever i go. i ask if i
can fit it in a flask & if it's okay
to take with whiskey. his eyelids
shut like a casket as he touches
his forehead, chest, right shoulder
then left shoulder. tells me i'm
going to hell. i crawl back
onto my bar stool and drink from
the ceramic mug you glued back
together the night you saw my face
and pictured a room full of soft
things shattering. i can hear the
sound of a train & it's such a shame
that the nearest railroad is under
construction. it's such a shame that
the floor of my mind is set up like
a child's playroom with plastic
train tracks set in the center & a
younger version of myself is sitting
in front of them playing with a
replica of the train my whole body
was begging to be kissed by.
ugh, kissing. my god. i'm so high.
kiss me in my death spot, the
spot that'll be where my life ends.
replace my train tracks with
a dollhouse. tell the soft things
that i love them. open my front door,
tell the small man to unbutton his
shirt, that not everyone buys
pants with pockets in them.
wake me up when i'm sober &
tell me to write an ending to this.
i cannot think of an ending. please
don't let me become it
 Oct 2014 Antonena Ishkova
X
Because she told me not to drink
She told me to stop drinking
So I didn't
Even if everybody pushed me to.

But then my mind flashed these things
that I can't ignore
I remember how
you didn't have to remind me
not to drink
and I said
'I won't drink.
I miss you.
I don't like it here.
I'd rather be with you.'


I remembered you
but still thought of her.

I wonder why
I still remember you
but choose to be with her.
Does it still hurt?... Yes, maybe.
How is it that my secrets never stay that way?
Even though there are things i don't even say.
I'd like to have one little thing that i can call my own.
Something that is just mine, that i've never shown.
You don't have to know everything about me.
Actually, i'd love it if you'd just leave me be.
I don't need you hovering, watching my every move.
I can take care of myself, i don't need you to.
So you deal with your ****, and i'll deal with mine. 
And in the end, we'll still be friends and everything will be fine.
Her eyes spoke the words that her lips never said
As she lay there in silence curled up on the bed,
A solitary teardrop meandering her face
That fell from flushed cheeks onto bed sheets of lace.

With a vacant expression and hollowed out stare
Concealing the heartbreak and utter despair,
She clung to the pillow, so tight to her chest,
Upon which the head of her true love would rest.

The rose of her heart had succumbed to decay,
Faded, diminished, and withered away,
Blackened by misery, hardened through grief,
And drained of all passion by death's cunning thief.

Her once perfect world like those empires of old
Had crumbled to ruin, so desolate and cold,
No longer would love warm her soul like the sun
For the harshest of winters had now just begun.

In the recess of memory, precious and pure,
Her lover's last kiss would forever endure,
A comfort in sorrow and constant lament
Till the days of her own life are equally spent.
on the breakfast table
placed carelessly
with great love
in an old busted
coffee mug
a handpicked bunch
of  fresh peonies
still damp and dewy
pale pastel linensilk flowers
crumpled and beguiling
beside, a note
my love is but a garden
that blooms for you..
each and everyday.
I've traveled down this path before
i just can't do it anymore,
I get to the end of the road
and waiting there is another load,
the load is heavy, the road steep
how can my sanity keep?

All alone and years of pain,
there's nothing more in life to gain.
The best has come, now it's gone,
I'll never veiw another dawn.
I lay my head down, take my rest,
my arms crossed upon my breast.

Cruel world I say to the Farewell!
Time for me to return to hell.

BANG!
3am depression and no one to talk too!
Lock up your feelings, bury your sorrow.
Convince yourself you'll be here tomorrow.
Tough it out, you know you have to.
There are people depending on you.
Maybe there's not an end in sight.
But keep going, put up a fight.
Put on your armor, go grab your shield.
You are a soldier, and life is your battlefield.
Why does death seem like a solution when it's really not.
It's as though it can fix every problem you got.
I think it would be easy; quick as 1,2,3.
But then what? Who would be the one that finds my dead body?
No one should have to find their daughter or sister dead.
Just laying so still, single shot to the head.
All the life drained a long time ago.
She wasn't even the same little girl that everyone used to know.
But if i leave this world behind, there will be a star that will shine.
And when you all look up at the sky, there will be that star urging you to live your life.
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