I don’t want money and I don’t want fame
infamy is enough
and his touch like a water drop on my wilting flower

I could just play house with him
why go to work
when we can lie and swing
in the balcony
light shining over me
let you undress me
it’s what you do best with me

I haven’t had the will to talk lately
the rambunctiousness in me has gone dry
like a wilting flower
watching us kiss against the mirror
you telling me we’re gonna break it
and I just had my 7 years of bad luck
so I don’t care

you take me down the elevator
to buy nachos and two coke bottles
just to empty them over woke shows and cuddles
I wanna be jumping into puddles
not into conclusions
I wanna fake my death and start over
in Rosemead where I’ll be having said I made it
smile and roll over

I hate when things get complicated
I hate when I feel so alone that your touch feels like a daydream
like a shadow
just imaginary
like you’re farther than you actually are and I’ve been lying to myself
to keep me happy
but I’m not happy when I’m without you
I don’t wanna do anything except kiss your lips and sleep at night with you
that’s honestly the only thing I have the will to do
but it’s not like I’m dead inside
just a little dry
like a wilting flower

one man in a hundred is beautiful
one in a thousand is kind
one in a million could be mine
but the stars, they don’t always align
it’s an astral lottery.

my middle school crush was straight
my high school crush was a cult leader
my college crush was a loser
and each was stronger than the other.

my first “boyfriend” made it hard to love him
my second never told me everything
my third I left cause he took more than gave
and my fourth is still somehow holding on
but it’s not like you think.

but the stars don’t always align
why won’t a man like you, Adrian, bump into me and help me pick my things up
it’s these miracles you read about that make you question
do I even deserve this
am I good enough to win in this
astral lottery.

I never thought I’d revisit your street.
But here I am.
I never thought I’d pass your house.
Not going in.
We had little to do, but a lot to talk about.
I chased the American Dream, you followed your heart.
Seven years is a lot, lot of time to think about.
And since then I met nobody who knew how to work my heart.

I didn’t love you and you didn’t love me neither.
So why am I back next to your lot?
It wasn’t sweet at all and yet it wasn’t bitter.
So why do I miss that a lot?

It was something neutral, but something at least.
I never pretended to love you, but we had a good thing.

I could’ve promised more to make you stay.
Could’ve bought you flowers to wilt away.
I could’ve done so much to show I cared.
But what I should’ve said on the first day:
I’m not gonna love you like you want.
That’s one thing I wish I’d disclosed.
You talked about our lives after I marry you.
And I replied: Yes, I suppose.

It was something real, however seemed so fake.
I never pretended to love you to set the record straight.
So why am I back next to your lot?
You hid some thoughts from me, yet I miss you a lot.
And whatnot.

In the chapel of condemnation.
On the cold checkerboard tiles I was kneeling.
Forced to repent for innocence, la vida, papi.
I was a diamond in the rough.
And for the sake of acceptance I was bleeding.
But I didn’t need nobody.

It was forever night and I was blue forever.
My halo cracked in half or so I inferred.
I was singing over water running, head below water.
But I was singing to you instead.

I’m the bereaved, la vida, papi.
But you don’t need nobody.

You can’t just please everybody.
I’m my soul, my mind, my body.

The darkness was slain by monstrance.
In the chapel of condemnation I was bound to.
With a chain around the columns, la vida, papi.
It was a complex of gothic towers.
It was a matter of liberation.
And I didn’t need nobody.

For I willingly went into the darkest tunnel there.
Unafraid of the witch at the church front gates.
I just saw the moon and I wanted to come alive again.
Would you have done if you were slowly withering away?

I’m the stained, la vida, papi.
Tainted and ****** bohemian for life, daddy.
They held me down and indebted me.
But I don’t need nobody then.
I don’t need nobody now.
I don’t need no one, amen.

I’m dichromatic, dual, duplex.
But I’ll love you all the same.
I’m just unsure if you hate or love me.
Wonder that crying into the drain.

You were the first of them.
In the beginning it was just us.
And you were the worst of them.
My genesis, the wildest card.
I sang for you at the shower head.
I knew I overdid it.
But if you knew how much I needed
you.

But if you sent for me, my love,
I’d always be your love.
I would have done everything for you.
I adored you.
And if you needed me, my love,
I’d always guard your heart.
All I’m saying I’d lived for you.
Only for you.
And if Barbara Millicent Roberts was a man,
oh yeah.

I was walking by the houses.
Took your hand like a communion wafer.
Wore a dark veil for my flaws.
And for cuts on my face like paper.
God, he made me feel like a freak.
But I was too in love to care about that.
It wasn’t Eden, was barren and bleak.
Blade into heart when I woke up after.

You were my main reason to live.
And a potential reason for my death.
Your love was unhealthy like drugs.
My death certificate, my love confession.
But I yearned for light.
And light came to me.
I turned to cry.
No one turned to me.
And you were the beginning of my poetic voyage, idiot.
I can’t say you weren’t cause you were, and I thank you for it.

But if you didn’t turn my love
down, I’d always be your love.
And if Barbara Millicent Roberts was a man…

The fool has wandered into the woods.
The magician’s wand ain’t been in use.
The high priestess lights the way ahead.
The empress ebbs life into my head.
The emperor whets his iron sword.
The hierophant always shares his word.
The lovers fit like a lock and key.
The chariot drives me across the sea.
Strength moves my tongue as I disaccord.
The hermit’s a friend in someone’s void.
Wheel of fortune blesses and befalls.
Justice always tends to my ego.
The hanged man sees art in sacrifice.
Death must happen to create new life.
Temperance is torn when doubt takes part.
The devil sits on my face at dark.
The tower’s shadow swallows up mine.
The star whispers the lost to align.
The moon’s forest is where I sally.
The sun illuminates the valley.
The judgement stares deep into my soul.
The world I’ll live in I’ve seen before.

You can’t take it from me, it’s mine.
Or weaken my faith in the divine.

Take my hand.
Take me home.
Blessed me from the start, I need you today.
But please don’t tell me to keep my head up and pray for a miracle.
I need a miracle.
I need it today.

You can’t take it from me, it’s mine.
You can’t tell me I’m wasting my time.
Or weaken my faith in something otherworldly.
It’s a new addition to myself.
I’ve been living off of faith.

So take my hand.
Take me to safety.
Bless me every morning, I need you all the time.
But please don’t tell me to bow down any harder and put on constraints.
I don’t need your help.
I’m living on my faith.