I’m the villain of my life and his, so be it.
Call me whatever suits you, we ain’t gotta coexist.
In fact, I went from wishing you the world to wishing you wrong, such a banal story.
Hope you at least hate me now.
Cause you never could’ve loved me.
Never could’ve loved me.
Never could’ve loved me.
I wanted to change for you.
But you done made light of me.
I’ve accepted that I’m the bad guy, I’ve connected the dots.
I can see the full picture now.
You never could’ve loved me, never been honest with me.
I’m prominent in your thoughts, smack dab in the center of your mind.
You never could’ve loved me.
I hope you ******* hate me now.

Yeah I sold my soul to be happy.
Are you satisfied?
You wanna hear what you crave.
Believe any little lie.
Just to help you sleep at night.
Tell your bingo ******* and ridden of brains buddies to step forth and say their piece.
Block them out, look the other way.
Trash has a habit of taking itself away.
Here’s your applause, you’re so fun.
Digging under others just to keep your head up.
Such a classic tale.
Jokes that write themselves give the longest laugh.

I forget your existence until you cross my path again.
Can’t keep my name out your mouth, I can keep you out my hair.
Take a breath, why’re you mad for?
See any bags under my eyes?
Note the difference, I phase straight through you like a ghost more alive than you.
Still unfazed though, note that too.
Find a job, I don’t see you.
You’re way too dry to be riding me like that.
Obsession is bad for beauty, so take a step back.
Why don’t you just keep me at bay if you hate me so much?
I’m glad you do though.
Prolly dream of me at night.
And thanks for giving me a laugh.
When you’re done, close the door.

I’m gorgeous!
Vibing under lemon trees.
Never getting on my knees.
I have everything I want here.
I’m so ******* fabulous!
Nonchalance suits me best.
Hate motivates me best.
I’m genuinely sorry for you.
I’d be mad if I was you, so don’t worry.
I feel nothing when I see you.
Only gratitude for who I am, not sorry.

You’re so anti-me now, get gone.
I’m so over-you now, I get going.
Light as breeze
Sweet lemon tree
Smiling for free
I’m not ******* sorry.
I don’t look back
Got no sympathy
You talk about me
Like an A-list *****.
Thanks for the spotlight, I feel awesome though.
You know you’re the **** when they hate you.
I’m your A-list *****.

You never could’ve had me.
I should’ve seen it, but
you never could’ve loved me.
Hope you ******* hate me now.

Waves frozen mid-crash.
Cold sinks through the glove.
Trace swallowed by frost.
Sand buried in snow.
Red hot volcanos.
Arid palm trees sway.
Long for the scarce green.
That’s how I escape.

You didn’t come all this way to slap me in the face.
With rubies on your white gloves red like blood.
You didn’t come all this way to leave me on ice.
Roofed over a brick maze, here comes the drop.
You didn’t come all this way to send the chandelier down.
Perforating me with a hundred million shards.
You didn’t come all this way to cave the roof in on me.
I fear nothing having climbed on top of what I feared.

I am evil, who isn’t?
I dream of scarlet and crimson and vampirism.
I am fixed in stone forever.
I fantasize about ribbons and bruises on knees.

You run out of paint, you bleed for art.
I could save myself, but I’m not that smart.

Watch me fly away, light hitting the mark.
I’m visibly drained, I’m visible now.

I was lying on the grass dotted by raindrops fallen from the sky.
It was grayish blue and the sun wasn’t there to shine upon me with my head on my blue bag and my legs bent at the knees.
My phone buzzed once or twice, I didn’t look.
I was listening to a singer’s song, so hooked.
It was my last day here at the festival, I was worn out by waiting in lines just to stare into celebrities’ eyes.
I sought a little bit of paradise,
something to remember,
something so ephemeral.
And when I looked up to the sky with my eyes shut tight I felt something just as momentary and small and fragile hitting my forehead gently and gracefully and I felt
cool with having given him a try.
Facing love with raindrops falling from the sky.
I’m so bad, I’m so bad.
But I’m so good at it.
I can’t help but be bad.
It’s a hard habit.
But I’m soft like the clouds, the fluffy ones, not thunderclouds, and I can tell a good guy from a ******* sucker.
It’s just I’m nervous when I smile, I see chairs lined up and I see people cheering for us and I don’t know if I can last a while
in a relationship.
If I want to marry, ever.
I don’t wanna tell my family and go to dinners together at randomly chosen places strewn across the burning desert.
At times like this I look up to the gray-blue sky, try to touch it with my fingertips and I drown my worries out in summer festivals, lay my head on yellow arid grass and I lie
so alive
raindrops falling on me gently from the darkening sky.
I count them, I feel one, two, three, four, five.
That’s five good things that happened to me since I said yes to this one good guy.
Wish he was here beside me.
Where he comes from there’s no rainclouds in the sky.

Baby, I’m soft like candle flame.
For I allowed myself to waver and wane.
I thought that was the trick to ignite the lights inside their stupid, pretty heads.
Alas, it was all in vain.
They could never love me for my poetry and late night whereabouts, the way I make my bed, the way I watch the stars.
But you, sweet as revenge, you came into my heart cause I let you in.
I could’ve chosen somebody next door, but I didn’t.
I could’ve listened to Sylvia Plath and loved a thunderbird instead of him.
Instead of the easy way back into poetry, I chose to fall deep for you,
and willingly I fell
into its whirl.
I’m fearless for this and for that and for what it’s worth I’m proud of myself more than ever.
Every lover I wished I could keep by my chest at night is now my enemy, but they’ve given me more than they know.
I ruin everything or maybe I’m too smart to chase thunderbirds, listening to abrasion taking place in earshot, time is running low.
It’s a long shot, but I think I might be right and despite the unfortunate events, I have more time than I know.
I’m only sweet and hot like summertime and I don’t dare throw my best days to the wind chimes’ tinkling.
I’m head-deep in my vulnerability and it’s feeling so **** sweet, swimming in debris, having more than I asked for.
San Juan, love me, please.
I’m still waiting for love to happen to me.
Patiently, enduringly withstanding summer breeze extinguishing me.
I’m open again to a new pair of arms to guard me from wind eroding me, erasing me off the face of Earth like sandcastles left to be.
I’m soft like candle flame, Juan, love me deeply, please.
Deep like the deepest point of the ocean, that’s how deep I wanna delve into you.
I haven’t loved anyone for more than a year, can you change that, please?
At least now I know it’s not me.
Can you love me, please?
Do you see yourself next to me?
Don’t you mind me asking?
It’s not like I’ll be this young and eager for dozens of summers, so I’m emptying this glass that happiness is until I find my peace,
find somebody to share it with.
Just tell me I’m not unfit to be loved.
Juan, I understand I’m not the problem, but can you verify that though?

Listen, it’s whatever.
I ain’t got **** to say.
I’m a Cali boy forever.
Heart left by Ocean Way.
I’m at mercy of the universe now, ain’t got room in heart to spare.
I love you real much but I’m at a turning point, breathing in dead air.
And the metal zipper of my black leather dangles in the wind, music to my despair, ain’t got a word to say.
I listen to what I used to listen.
It brings back time and has me reminiscin’.
But I ain’t got **** to say.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted for him.
Only saying cause you asked.
Will you help me dig them up?
Let’s uproot dead roses of love undone and plant our own of love to come.
We’ll fertilize them and sing folk songs on a long road from home.
I’ve got it in me, believe it or not, but I’ve got it in me.
And love will come.

Let me center the whole universe around us.
Let me worry ‘bout you every single time you miss my call.
Let me rant to you in an unabridged way.
Let me release like vape steam what I ever venture say.
My 11PM attitude, high on verisimilitude.
I swear I love you, but my heart feels dead.
Just look at the fallen petals, ash instead of soil.
The dead air I’ve been breathing, it used to be a joy.
But I believe it, believe it or not, but I believe in resurrection.
Of a broken heart.

My backyard’s a graveyard of roses I’ve planted listening to Super Freaky Girl.
We were like Jimmy and Kim, we were like flame and gasoline, people got hurt.
I loved like a maniac, I almost even told my closest friends, how happy I’ve been.
But I’ve been lying all my life, it wasn’t even happiness, it was a chore I kinda liked.
Cause he had my back.
And I took bullets for him.
For him I gave the *****.
Unlike giving them for me.
But one thing I’m willing to say is even though I’m wilting to decay is,
I loved like a maniac, like fire it burned, but it went away.
Cali boy forever, the yearly switches got me crying by Ocean Way.
Santa Monica screensaver, we were there, but now we’re a world away.
And I ain’t got **** to say to you, ain’t got anything.

Now there’s dead roses rotting by my house.
If you help me, we can plant brand new ones.
I’ve got it in me, believe it you do, I’ve faith in it too.
That love can come
of love undone.

I’ll write a song with you.
I’ll go to bed with you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll rob a bank with you.
Jack, don’t wake me the **** up, I said so many times I despise this world, I wanna be with you in ******* Pasadena or in a few mile radius.
I’m losing my sanity tryna convince you to drop everything.
Living’s real tough when I can’t have you.
Jack wake me up when you’re sober.
Jack fix me a kilo when the high is over.
Jack I just wanna go back to LA so badly.
I don’t know what I’m doing but I’ll write a song for you.
I’ll tour the world with you.
I’ll go dark for you.
I’ll lap dance for you.
I’ll wait years for you.

Take me to
to New York.
Forget me
when we’re through.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I could live for all eternity but never forget the only one who was caring to me.
Drop me off
of Rodeo Drive.
Kiss my lips
for the last time.
We’re only getting sober now, baby.
I’ll forget you only when I find someone who shows me a semblance of compassion.

I couldn’t go a day without missing my ex boyfriend.
But only when I’m drunk cause I get real nostalgic.
Every one of them I loved but they hurt me real badly.
I would lust over them like hell, but then I get sober.

I love this place.
It’s just like I dreamed it, honey.
Lemme fix you a drink and then you can tell me about that ******* boss of yours.
I ain’t done nothing today but miss ya.
I wrote a poem though, wanna see it?
How ‘bout we go to Rodeo Drive?
Yes, a date.
No occasion.
And just so you know, I ain’t drinking today.
Why?
I don’t know.

I don’t really need to.

All his nonsense spitting got me tanning by the motel pool.
I left the trailer park.
I had to kool off soon.
Jack is always listening to me spitting nonsense about injustices and things you can’t change or rekindle.
He knows my songs by heart.
It’s him I kiss when I get drunk.

I wanna find it.
The right amount of nectar that deities get drunk on.
I wanna smoke a cigarette and blow the smoke into everyone’s face.
I wanna be okay.

All my friends are outta town and I’m on my gas station night shift.
Call my babe, he picks me up.
Fills up my entire will to live.
Jack puts me in the glass room of his mansion and stirs the thoughts that cause rot inside my head.
I shoot up his lies and they sound amazing.
They’re music to my tears, sand to my hourglass.
My veins get hot like lava, but I like seeing the world from his perspective.
I wanna get drunk of him.
But I’m really ******* sick of him.

I wanna find it.
I want calamities to perish and I wanna imagine a vision so good.
I wanna stay there.
But I know I can’t.

I want him to slap me across the face and take the pain away from my heart.
I’m really sick of him but I want him in every cell of my body.
Without his squeeze the world is gray and I’m tired of writing about hard feelings.
I wanna overdose on him.
But I know I’ll die.
Sometimes I think I already have so I get drunk and I’m back to life.

Go.

He and Malik aren’t friends.
But he’s famous for something.
He wears heavy metal on him.
Like he’s wanted for something.
Black leather tight and I can’t breathe.
But I’m fine with dying in Cali.
Mula-la is flying in the wind.
Jack, you’re as ****** up as me.
Oooh, black leather, *****.
Leather on my skin, mula-la is in the wind.
Ooh, blood-stopping grip.
Pouring his dark soul into my pre-opened wrists.
I wanna find it.
I wanna find it.
Someone like him but quite the opposite.
I hate to love him.
I’m so sick of him.
But I so love him.
He’s always got me.