One time I felt like I was ice skating on Lake Michigan in a blizzard.
I lost the shoreline forever.
And the grip of fear.
I was out of place like a 14 year old listening to Hejira.
I still feel so in a way.
No gazing at my rear.
I got laid in my hometown and I sneer at my childhood friends like I never loved them.
I’ve been different 20 people since my birth and I feel like I’ve found the one that suits me best.
Like a fuzzy coat in winter, taking meds, healing slowly, **** my ex, I’m skating on Lake Michigan, baggage back in Madison, far from wifi, farther from home, I feel nothing but nipping from the frigidity and tight embrace of freedom.
I skate on into the blizzard and I haven’t seen a winter so winter-like since I rode on a sleigh pulled by my uncle’s car ‘round my beloved apartment complex.
All I see is white.
Like a fresh page of life.
You sow nothing, you get nothing.
Find no weevils in your garden, sweet fruit either.
That’s why I’m leaving y’all to concentrate on what I want and I skate into the nothingness of Lake Michigan, where only frostbite’s capable of breaking my heart.
It’s just a rest stop though.
I’ve yet to rise in love.
I’ll have my pasta date in Paris someday.
I’ll regret wasting my first real kiss with a hookup, I just didn’t wanna die a ******, so I squandered something artificial, boo-*******-hoo, life’s a travelog, put my fuckboys’ names in a catalog, remember what they gave me.
So let me swirl around, draw curvy lines, interlacing hearts.
Privately pretty.
Let me daydream of the day when I feel pretty as to get me some, when I dive into his ***** arms, wrap them round me like a shawl I’ve never worn, but feel like home.
I’m skating on Lake Michigan, left my heart in Madison, en route to Manhattan.
And I’m on the mending route of heart.

Just why?
Tell us why did you do what you did?
Are you on the run or losing it?
Why did you ruin everything we’ve worked to keep?
You always ruin everything!

Alright, here it is.

Just why, why’d you cut us off after everything that we’ve been to?
Just think, if I made the decision to cut y’all off I had reasons to.
And what was that you posted when you have all that anxiety?
Well, to update y’all, it was just me tryna please everybody.
I ain’t got beef with anybody and I ain’t a vegetarian.
I don’t spill blood battling with my haters, instead I bury ‘em.
I don’t let intrusive thoughts affect my decision making.
I do turn on a whim, but I ain’t lost, I got priorities.
I could’ve been a savior, hell, I could’ve been a hero.
I could’ve been a full-time villain but got better ideas.
At first I gave y’all complications only so I could spite ya.
Now they’re making compilations that I ain’t even a part of.
Never skype ya.
Never talk to ya.
I ain’t buying what you selling.
Before y’all criticize that too, listen to what y’all  been saying.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
I thought
it could be
a fresh start.
So I won.
Yeah I won.
Uh-huh.

I changed my name, like I reinvent myself yearly.
I check marked LA, shut your mouth, it is way too early.
To complain like that, wish I ain’t made it work, really?
I got my haters’ backs so I could stab them hoes there, easy.
What you talkin’ ‘bout? What the ******* mean by hoax?
Darkness in your basement, catch a light no wonder it looks sus.
I am on a level you ain’t dreamed of seeing, let alone reaching.
Your brains’ ain’t been lucid thinking, shoulda stuck to preaching.
Suits you.
Suits you, make you look more silly than you are.
If you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em, but I think I’d rather die.
I didn’t pave this road for ‘em to muddy it back up.
I’m a blueprint to myself, hate I take as a compliment.
Fruity and rocking Gucci, I’m an edible arrangement.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Where the hell
‘d you get it from?
We thought
you were running
but you aren’t.
Yeah I won.
The marathon.
But I ain’t running.

I used to fear dentists, planes and social interactions.
Now I floss, I’m sky high and receive standing ovations.
These hoes oily, extra ******, when I eat I do it raw, stare.
These walking failures getting oral checked but at a dentist chair.
I sleep under palm trees *******, summer body done.
I can see y’all hoes are *******, acting downside up.
Before I let y’all disappear, you’ll see what you passed up on.
Give me a heads up, cover my ears before y’all wax on.
Wax on.
Wax on but as in y’all ******* babbling.
Still like bayou water but my jacuzzi bubbling.
I’ll send y’all postcards from vacays in countries round the equator.
Make y’all **** hurt, get y’all a good buttache alleviator.
If that doesn’t help, why don’t y’all get off my D?
If you so against me, why you fools stay fooling with me?
I keep it straight with me and I didn’t always do.
If it benefits me then that’s what I’m gonna do.
I thought they would like me if I changed a thing or two.
But that wasn’t me and I ain’t liked who I turned into.
I would leave them hanging if I felt so inclined.
For when I wanted realness but y’all ******* declined.
I’mma release poems on all my exs’ birthdays too.
Give me a fortnight,
I’mma make it too.
Starting now I should know that red and green differ.
Be this hot and I never signed a deal with Lucifer.
And next time y’all wanna kiss my ***, just say you need a ride.
I’mma pass, here’s a disclaimer, it’s me now I prioritize.

So I won.
So I won.
Anton?
Why that name?
What you on?
My prime ****
to be exact
and ain’t no act.
So I won.
So I won.
Wax on, wax on.

Get me on that walkie talkie and for ******* what?
Sick of your fucky wucky so shut the **** up.
On a brighter note, I’mma dearly thank all of my homies.
Twenty years you’ve given me support through all of my wilding.
I’ll make sure to leave y’all my address in Rosemead when I finally go.
I’mma wrap this up now, catch you on the flipside, this is Bella Goth.

Empire State Building, floor 102.
That’s where I’ll be waiting for you.
You guys are like family, I love you in a way.
I’ll be your friend and solace, strong roof over your heads.
Pull up to your wedding, be your best man, wipe your tears when it’s over.
But don’t jump off, babe, soon we’re all going to be happy.
In Empire State, someday we’ll all be free.
I wanna fall in love at least once before I die, even if it brings me down.
So don’t jump off, babe, soon we’ll all stop being lonely.
Empire State, someday we’ll all be free.

I can see the words trapped in your eyes when you look at me.
Someday you won’t have to fear it.
We’ll hold hands doing laps around Central Park in summer.
We’ll french kiss on the subway like some blazed down gunners.
Don’t be afraid of the dark when you feel it.
Someday you won’t ever have to fear it.

I’ll go to New York City, I’ll be grateful to stand where they stood.
I was in heaven when they were dying, I swear I emphasized with them when nobody could.
It’s sad when I think what my brothers and sisters have suffered while I sat on Jesus’s lap.
It’s not my ******* fault that Jesus made me gay as ****.
I’m looking in the wrong places, forever out of luck.
But someday I won’t have to wander.
Someday I will open my blinds and invite the light in.
I’ll be at the beachside, old and happily married.
In a townhouse painted green which has a garden of hydrangeas, nourish me.
I’m a hemlock baby, fruit of toxicity but I’m still beautiful.
Step on me all you want, but I’ll still do lots of good.
The empathy within me is as strong as a stone wall standing tall and lingering on.
There’s radioactivity, discovered by Madame Curie and I’m carrying it along.
But I have faith still
that God loves me
I wish to love another in the same way, Lord let me.
I will give you
roof and solace
Someday you’re gonna need it before you get to give it.

I can see the scars on your soul when you expose it to me.
Someday you won’t have to loathe them.
We’ll dance with locked hands jiving to music of liberation.
Remember what they took from us, be proud of what he had.
Don’t hate yourself and don’t think you’re broken.
You’re just beautiful in a world that’s not yet awoken.

A songbird once sang to me that someday we’d all be free.
The pain that you endured, it will be your strength, it will lead you forward, it will hold your hand.
A songbird once sang to me that someday we’d all be happy.
I’ll come to your wedding, be your best man, cry with joy as you’re standing at the altar.
Empire State, we’ll throw baby showers, grow vegetables together, perform in gay bars on street corners.
In Empire State, we’ll kiss on the subway, be invisible, marry each other on floor 102.
I wanna fall in love at least once before I die, I just wanna fall in love.
It’ll be okay,
we’ll all be free someday,
Empire State, don’t you jump off.

Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, we’re almost at the end.
He comes from Argentina, I only want him when I think of the man who doesn’t love me.
I’m just a ****** to you, but to me you’re as integral as oxygen.
Amina, he loves me when they hate me.
Amina, we’re so real for this.
He’s from the Philippines, sexts me from overseas, helps me **** time.
I’ll send him nudes but won’t tell my sign, cause we’re not meant to be together.
I don’t know if I’m there yet, Amina, I’m a ****** to you, but you love me at least.
When the man who doesn’t love me wants me I’ll be there for him every time of night and day,
but for now I’ll be sexting my thoughts away with Latinos that don’t even know my name.
Sad but beautiful.
Beautiful but sad.
I wanna go back to Las Vegas.
Take a swim in Silver Lake.
I wanna do something fun.
Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, we’re almost at the end.
He listens when I feel unheard.
I’ve still got things to say.
Don’t text me on weekends cause I have nothing on my mind.
I only want you when I’m lonely, I only feel like I want a boyfriend when I hit rock bottom, when I realize no one loves me.
He comes from Mexico, I go incognito and I watch him shake his ***.
I’m done with the sad boy ****.
This is my last collection before I get a boyfriend.
Amina, he works for Wilhemina.
Amina, he loves me when I’m worthless.
Sadly beautiful
Beautifully sad
I mean nothing to him, but he gives me more than the man who doesn’t love me.
It’s what keeps me from crying these days.
There’s nothing else for me to say.
Amina, we’re here.

Be sweet to me and I’ll return the flavor.
Why don’t we buy a cabin in Colorado?
Don’t love me out of mercy,
and don’t make me have to run.
Best of things don’t come easy,
and if they do it spoils the fun.
But I don’t want fun.
I’m looking to get wed, not wet.
I’m trying to get by, not high.
I wish that it was easy, not hard.
I’ve fallen in love way too many times and it hurts more every time I do.
Maybe when I find the right one I won’t have to fall again and bruise.
Why fall when you can rise in love?
Why don’t make it easy?
Can we sit down and choose the color of our fence?
Can we laugh at stupid people together?
Can we feel like God’s top priority for a day or two?
I wanna look down on you looking at me from the bed.
I have enough problems of my own, but I’ll find room for yours too,
and isn’t that ******* beautiful?
I had a dream that he ****** me in the backseat of his car and that’s as close as we got to being a couple.
I ran away from him but I felt godawful.
But that’s what I had to do.
(That’s what I had to do, right?)
Now I’m walking over ridges and through valleys somewhere high in Colorado.
I’m looking for a spot to build a cabin as part of some dumb personal bravado.
I have nothing to prove to a single soul except my own and I’ve been contemplating lately whether I’m temporarily lonely or whether I’m
ready?
Someone wise told me once that when you catch feelings you fall like dominoes, and that wise someone was me, cause I have.
I’m my best confidant, but lately I’ve been contemplating whether I’m just desperately needy to be loved or whether I’m finally
ready?
I’m in a dead zone for cellphones, in between two peaks of Colorado mountains.
Here I’ll build my cabin and watch television with old Hollywood actors.
But I won’t be doing that alone.
I’ll let him choose the color of our fence, we’ll stand beside it holding hands.
I’ll take the risk of having to run for the hills again, I’ll be quite already there.
I’ll bring him shade in the summer, heat when waters freeze.
It all sounds so easy.
I’ve fallen in love so many times and it hurts like throwing yourself off a cliff in the mountainy Colorado.
But why don’t we rise in love?
Why not make it easy?

[Part 1 - Undone]
I got in the shower with my headphones on, listened to my favorite singer sing about getting naked and I haven’t related to a song as much since the time she sang about being born to be the other woman, cause I was born to be the other man and I made my peace with that.
Maybe we’ll meet in another life.
Maybe then I’d be happy by his side.
Anyway, I’m gone now.
I had no reason to stay.
Call me up if you want me to do something for you
like run an errand
or ****.
Ima set this as my voicemail, so all the men who things haven’t worked out with will hear it.
I could still give you something.
I’m not over you as much as I wish I was.

[Part 2 - Bitchslap]
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You create mayhem but I can’t stop loving you
You make me sad like the ******* sky’s blue
You inflict pain and sweetness and I can’t break loose
It’s just circles, it’s just dead ends for you.
I could be a god, but still not good enough for you.
My baby is the biggest sadist under the moon
You paint me blue but I can’t stop liking you
I’m suffocating when we’re in the same room
You don’t give a ****, but I’m so obsessed with you.
I need a distraction
I need to take action
He’s sweet, but I’m auto-destructive with my fantasies.
I’m so not over any of them,
but I’m choosing to forget that I can’t have them.
I could still give them something.
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Do they ever think of me?

[Part 3 - Candy Crush]
Takes me to the Hamptons, I’m the apple of his eye.
Sings Dylan up real close, I’m his groupie for life.
Sweet like coca cola, I get high off him at night.
Chews me up and spits me up like I’m cherry bubble gum.
Takes me to festivals, I’m his vintage money.
Drives me to the vistas, I’m his bitter honey.
Without him I’m nothing, I’m the light of his life.
I’m his little baby, every day and night.
Sweet like sugar baby,
Only ride or die.
Nothing to lose baby,
Like Bonnie and Clyde.
I got nothing to lose now,
I’m his baby for life.
I learned to flirt from TV,
Decipher me from WikiHow.

[Part 4 - Errands]
Pick me up from school, we can run some errands.
Drive me to your place, choose the fastest highway.
Handle me with care, I go ahead like a Ferrari.
I speedrun relationships, ***** I’m motopapi.
Let me run my hands up your thighs, hang on your shoulders.
Let me caress your hip bones, gently collide our foreheads.
I can sleep on his hips, I ain’t going anywhere.
Follow me on socials and then to the shower.
Once you go bad, there’s no going back.
There’s no going back.
He can play some hip hop, so his neighbors won’t hear.
Crash me into the ocean, LAPD in the rear.
Once you go brave, you won’t ever give a ****.
You won’t ever give a ****.
I can undress him slowly, I can drive him like a Lambo.
Run my hands upwards like I’m doing a glissando.
Once you go to town, you’re a local there.
You’re a local there.
My consciousness is calling, Ima call you back in two weeks.
My senses are calling, Ima call you back in never.
“What the hell are you doing?” they keep asking me.
Running errands, that’s what I am doing.
I never had a boyfriend, but I’ve had fun in spite of that, that’s the least I could have so why’re they surprised I did?
Now I want the bare minimum and I wanna get it daily like I’m buying groceries, meet somebody new, write his number down on a Walmart receipt, call him up and get my hopes up, get hooked up and give him up.
I’ll see him in another life.
I might love him in two.
He might love me back in ten.
You’re hella cute, hella cute when you stutter, I like your face but you’re also hella outta reach, nowhere close to my dominion.
Hell, at least run an errand with me, it’s the bare minimum.
Pick me up from the gardens, we can waste our time.
Drive me to the riverbed just to break my heart.
Don’t ask me for money, hit me up to chat.
I got nothing to do, nobody here to love.
So it’s no wonder why I want all the things above.
Treat me like a ghost,
I’m gone as we’re speaking.
At least give me a call,
I’m not gone entirely.
I don’t regret what I do, even if it winds up fruitless.
It’s the minimum of it, both its grandeur and crudeness.
It’s a crazy thing.
You and I both know this won’t work, but it’s the best we’ve ever had.
It’s the best we’ve ever had.
The hardest thing is knowing when to give up and I made my peace with that.
I made my peace with that.
Run errands with me, take me to your place, give me what others have.
Get naked in the shower.
Get drunk on hope.
Give up, repeat, crash into the ocean.
Let’s do something together.
Just to stop feeling lonely.
Get high on the minimum of what we’ve never had.
Even if it’s for the night.
Drive me to your house.
Don’t blame me for being this way.
I gave up on the good life long ago and I made my peace with that.

Somewhere off the coast of Maine they caught a lobster that was blue and the odds of that happening were lower than me finding love that’s true.
When will be my time?
When will I get found?
Do I wanna get found?
Ask myself this very important question.

Got a list of things to improve to make myself beautiful, I do have some things I’ve left to do to make myself visible
to men.
Men with rigid fishing nets on wooden watertight ships, others sticking out their heads, but I’m still elusive
to them.
Catch me if you dare, can’t promise I won’t slip away.

I’m not feeling beautiful and I’m real hard to catch.
I’m feeling exceptional, but not necessarily rare.
I’m not feeling lovable, I got a list of things I’d change.
Don’t you get accustomed to me, you won’t see him again.
Unless…

Unless you come to the shallow estuary I’m in right now, place me in your palm and lift me out of the water like the most fragile thing.
Do me the honor of being your boyfriend.
I can make wonders happen if you let me make you happy.
I have good intentions but also bad encounters in my past.
If you do me the honor of being my boyfriend I can bring new meaning to blue.
Make it no longer a color of sadness but pride of my rarity.
I have magic in my name, water in my blue eyes.
Get me to love me and love me, boy, show me how.

Don’t just say I’m beautiful, but make me believe it.
Don’t make me beautiful, make me a believer.
I’ve been feeling blue and there’s nothing rare about it.
Make me feel exceptional, a blue lobster.
Don’t pour sea foam into my eyes and maybe you’ll catch me.
Don’t gaslight me, elucidate me instead.
I’ve been hiding in deep blue waters where no one could find me.
But deep down I dreamed of the surface.

Make me believe
Teach me about pride
Do me the honor of being yours
Catch me if you can
Give me reasons to stay
Teach me about love and I’ll do you the honor of being yours
and I’ll finally feel proud to be blue.
Love me and get me to love me.