I want, I need, I have to cut...
I want to hurt myself so bad right now.
I feel blinded by the pain.
It isn't going to stop.
It's not going to stop.
I need to cut it out of me.
I tried… I really tried
But I can’t do it
I can’t do it
I sat here tonight for an HOUR!
AN HOUR!
Rocking and praying...chanting...
Only God can save me...only God can save me
But He didn't answer me
Why didn't He answer me?
He never answered me then either
I am so bad that not even God can save me
I don’t want to play anymore
I don’t like this game
I don’t want to play now
Don’t make me play anymore

My mouth opens but nothing comes out....
I am not sure why but I am unable to speak now.  

Instead the willful arrogant one shows you her face ~ the one you call 'petulant'.  You do not understand how much pain there is inside of this body, how could you, when the parts who hold the pain are no longer allowed to speak to you.  Instead the ill-tempered one talks; you find her to be 'annoying' and peevish, in fact, it seems as though she feels the need to be on defense all the time.  She is contemptuous in her behavior shielding any feelings of vulnerability from you with her supercilious speech.  

She stands behind the wall that has been rebuilt between you and her and the wall is made of brick, the mortar solid and unforgiving.   If you could see behind the icy blue of her eyes as they tell you confidently that she is doing well…if you could see behind her, you would be able to see that all is not okay. You would be able to see that she is not a petulant child, but rather a frightened girl, teenager, woman. You would be able to see that the arrogance and cockiness of her speech and stance, her willfulness…is a defense tactic.  If you could see behind the brick wall you would see that she feels like she has tumbled backwards and she has lost her voice.  

BEHIND THE WALL:
She is not defensive...she is scared.
She is not petulant...she is guarded.
She is not confident...she is uncertain.

If you could see behind the wall, you could see that she waited years for someone to come into her life and tell her that it was okay to tear down that wall.  Behind the wall she chokes back tears of sadness and shakes in fear.  Behind the wall she hides in dark corner...afraid she has now become one more casualty in this ****** war as she struggles to once again find her voice.

"Nita, what do you*  NEED ?"
I HATE it when someone asks me that question!

"Nita, What do you need?"


NEED: “require”… “want”… “necessitate”


"What do you need right now. You don't have to do this in isolation."
"What do you need right now? I am not afraid of the little girl."
"What do you need right now? If you need something I am here to listen."
"If you don't think you are safe, then what do you need from me or others or yourself?"

Why does it matter what I "NEED"? Why do you ask me when you are not going to be able to grant that/those "NEED(S)"?

Is my Survivor Fairy Godmother asking you for a list of Nita's NEEDS so she can come wave her magic wand, sing, bippity, boppity, boo...and I'll become an unf@#ked kid?
Well, why didn't you say so!


Here's my list for the Godmother:
I NEED to be 'unf@#ked'. I NEED the voices in my head to stop. I NEEDED my evil father not to touch me. I NEED the flashbacks to stop. I NEED my body not to hurt. I NEED the fear to stop. I NEED for you to be here for me NOW like you WERE then. I NEEDED to be loved by my parents. I NEED someone to teach me what love really is. I NEED someone to show me that trust really does exist in this world. I NEED you to help me at night when I am suicidal and dissociative. I NEED you to be available after 10pm, when the hell started, you know, like you used to be...back when you actually cared about what I NEEDED. I NEED the little girl to stop whining and crying. I NEED to not have physical symptoms that relate to then. I NEED the nightmares to stop. I NEED the constant headaches to stop. I NEED my crohn’s to not be in a constant flare up. I NEED to stop having recurrent UTIs. I NEED the ****** Angry Girl to stop hurting me. I NEED to sleep. I NEED to want to live before I die.
I NEED you to hear me.


What? There is NO Survivor Fairy Godmother? NO magic wand?
I'm shocked! NOT!

I'm guessing that's why she never showed up then, either...I prefer to think that rather than her never answering my cries of: Please make him stop hurting me!

I NEED you to STOP asking me what I NEED  Since we both know that those NEEDS will NEVER be my reality, and that it is actually more painful to ask for what you NEED and not get that need met, then it is to keep your NEEDS to yourself. At least that's true for me.


So...unless you have a survivor registry where I can resister for the aforementioned NEEDS, or, perhaps a survivor merit system where I can earn credits to 'buy' the above NEEDS (I'm not afraid of hard work)...then STOP ASKING ME WHAT I NEED!


Because we both know it does not matter what I NEED!


Can't undo what's already been done. We both know that.


What Nita "NEEDS" right now is a bottle of ***** and some cranberry juice…THAT is a NEED I can meet right now!
A TOAST!

Here's to: **UNMET NEEDS