Whitewashed wall blue
colored turquoise grey-cyan absence
darkness was better than staring
Watching nothing while everything turned
sitting hollow and uncaring
stalking each shift of unsuspecting hue
Watching whitewashed wall blue

when you're lost
who do you turn to
I turn around
and see no one
but myself
yet I have abandoned myself
so why wouldn't you

what do I write
my pain
my agony
my dreams
my love
what do I say
I'm fine
it hurts
help
what will you do
it's fine
it'll be okay

live a short life
where you are happy from year to year
my dear,
live a short life
where your path is crystal clear
my love,
explore the world with me
in a while, we will meet above

he said he'd walk through
hell for me
but the moment he saw fire
he ran away

on
10/22/2020
I lost myself
I shattered to pieces
no
maybe I was already overwhelmed
I scream in agony
yet silently
so I don't wake my parents up
dreaming
they could hear me
wishing they would say
my dear, it is alright
you will be fine
yet now
at around the end of the year
I'm still in pieces
now I write
my suffering and pain
hoping to go from
a lost woman
to a complete poet

I've stopped time
now what?
has your crime
been solved
has our love
evolved
have our problems been into water dissolved
no
nothing changed

I'm tired
of expecting something
then seeing it shattered right there
over and over
like an endless cycle
of hope and despair

I want to prove to this world
that that which
they have deemed right
is wrong

Let your soul
Feel the luxury
Of the gold
In your heart
Let your mind
Feel the breeze
Of the peace
At the shore
Let your life
Feel it’s existence
At the bottom
Of the void

I'm not 𝔞𝔯𝔱𝔦𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔠
I'm 𝖕𝖔𝖊𝖙𝖎𝖈

we're all sinners
some of us just learn
to accept
regret and overcome
our sins
while others live
their entire life bound
by the chains of their sins

no ghost shall fight a war
for the living
for a dead mans' war
are done

let me drown
to the depths of the abyss
let me sink in regret
I have to understand
the crimes I've committed
only then can I truly change

I'll just slowly disappear
hello
       hell
              hel
                    he
                         h
                            .
                               .
                            .
                        .

I hide in a corner
too afraid to face my demons
its like silent 𝓉𝑜𝓇𝓉𝓊𝓇𝑒
I hide in a corner
to run from reality
like to this world, I'm a 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑒𝒾𝑔𝓃𝑒𝓇
I hide in a corner
awaiting death
death just shrugs and says, " 𝒾𝑔𝓃𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝒽𝑒𝓇"

I tried to believe in 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒
but the world 𝒷𝓇𝑜𝓀𝑒 my heart every time

I keep telling myself
that its ok to be alone but
sometimes I find myself crying and
craving for someone to hold me

you brought me up
                    little
         by
little
then you broke me down
little
          by
                 little

the past is like shackles
I could break free
but I'm too afraid that
my future is not what I dream
so I'm better off in prison

I want to cry
but my tears have run dry
my heart has moved on
but it crashed on the way
I'm awake'
but my eyes refuse to see
maybe I'm better of shut down
cause I've run out of battery

I took my knife out
ready to be tainted in red
and it makes me want to cry
I don't want to do it
I want to believe
we can be pure
but I'm
              r
                 e
                     d

they said he'd be there
when I looked he was nowhere
I thought it was unfair
turns out it was all a dare
you played me, my dear
while I was true all along

you've never deeply fallen for someone,
have you?
sweet and happy romances are
easily forgotten
only love stories
with blood and tragedy are remembered

the cigarettes smoke
make my perfect throat choke
****** soaked
written notes
pearly gates
humans fooled by saints
we all rolled a dice
we did it once
we did it twice

HE SAW YOU
he met you
HE WANTED YOU
he liked you
HE CHASED YOU
he got you
HE HAD YOU
he got bored of you
HE LEFT YOU
he broke you

I learned to love
but not too deep
I yearned for attention
but I learned to keep away from it
I've learned to live
doesn't mean I have forgotten the pain

I didn't expect you to care
but you did
that felt good
I was like a flower withering
you came and watered me
fixed my soil
and showed me the sun

did you expect something
did you think you'd hear me
scream
cry
laugh
you turned the page
expecting something
I have nothing to offer
you just assumed
I did

I'm a poet
I write
for the sole reason
of writing
I just want to bleed
my heart out
on this piece of paper

live in silence
scream in agony
lay on thorns
run on fire
maybe than
I'll think about it

things are getting better
but everything still feels a Lil blur
like I'm not "living"
but drifting by
just drifting
being on "autopilot"
going with the flow of things
yet it also feels like
I'm waiting in line
constantly waiting in a never-ending line
for absolutely nothing

sometimes I just want to
                                   d
                                      i
                       ­                 s
                                           a
                                              p
               ­                             p
                                  ­        e
                                       a
                                     r
find my shattered
                                  p        i
                   ­                              e     c
                                                              e­ s
but I just can't seem to
                                             f
                                   i                 n
                                             d
them.

I laugh in sorrow
and slowly drown
when I know how to swim
but my mind has forgotten
the action of happiness
and power
I'm weak and drowning in sorrow
but no one helps

I said you might just fall for me
and in his head, he knew
id never fall for her
he did end up falling for me
the thing was he forgot I said
" if you do fall for me,
I'll have to break your heart"

a lonely ghost
wanders by the coast
with the ocean view, he's obsessed
in ***** white, he's dressed
he's got, friends
but their lives have reached their ends
so he's a lonely ghost
nothing less
nothing more

I used to think the world was made for me
I felt so free
now I'm bound by the chains
nothing but my bones remain
as a sign that I once existed
maybe my poetry
but no one bothered reading it

time just won't stay
I guess it's bored
all it sees is greed and pointless drama
I'll make it fall in love with me
but I ended falling in love with it
so one-sided
it moved on
and I'm stuck
tick-tock
times up

we built walls
only to see them
crumble and fall
we won battles
only to lose what can not be returned
for eternity

we both were like fire
so I thought we could become one
but we were different
you were a fire
that would devour everything
while I was a fire
that lights the way
even when I'm most alone

do not cry
for the dead
mourn the living
we must continue
to bear the pain
and sufferings of the world

I've always liked
the sound of my own footsteps
they are reassurance
that I exist,
body and soul
with weight and impact upon the world
even though
I often do not feel so

I'm alone
I'm no different than
a star in the galaxy
so unique
yet people can't even
tell us apart

they asked
Is that truly what you're after?
rather isn't it a mere excuse
to escape the disappointing
reality you're in
arent you just
endeavoring to prove them wrong
to find solace
for your bruised ego
isn't validation what you actually pursue
and perchance
a world where you belong

life is to short to
waste it confined
somewhere you don't want to be
with people you dislike

are we in hell
cause were sinners
or cause we didn't do good
are we in heaven
cause we are saints
or cause we didn't do bad