even my pen betrayed me
when it ran out of ink

on
10/22/2020
I lost myself
I shattered to pieces
no
maybe I was already overwhelmed
I scream in agony
yet silently
so I don't wake my parents up
dreaming
they could hear me
wishing they would say
my dear, it is alright
you will be fine
yet now
at around the end of the year
I'm still in pieces
now I write
my suffering and pain
hoping to go from
a lost woman
to a complete poet

he said he'd walk through
hell for me
but the moment he saw fire
he ran away

I hide in a corner
too afraid to face my demons
its like silent 𝓉𝑜𝓇𝓉𝓊𝓇𝑒
I hide in a corner
to run from reality
like to this world, I'm a 𝒻𝑜𝓇𝑒𝒾𝑔𝓃𝑒𝓇
I hide in a corner
awaiting death
death just shrugs and says, " 𝒾𝑔𝓃𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝒽𝑒𝓇"

if messages could be conveyed through words
the world wouldn't be what it is today
so take action

they said he'd be there
when I looked he was nowhere
I thought it was unfair
turns out it was all a dare
you played me, my dear
while I was true all along

I want to embrace the Affection of this WORLD
I want it all for MYSELF
not too be SHARED
am I being GREEDY
or am I just DREAMING

I keep telling myself
that its ok to be alone but
sometimes I find myself crying and
craving for someone to hold me

stars twinkle
dawn light
drowns

chirping birds
voice sweet
blown up to noise
hooting vehicles
on roads

why would you come back to life
when you can rest in peace

if you decided to die
then please just lie
down in your grave

the afterlife
is unnecessary

one word
and you can destroy me
but with just a word
you can fix me
so choose

with one lie
you can break me
but with one lie
you can build me

with one truth
you can bring me to my feet
with one truth
you make me rise to the stars

all it takes is a word
a lie
and the truth

he kissed her goodbye and closed his eyes
his face with a painful smile
his hands so cold
and his face so pale
left his daughter alone
the world so cruel
the girl so alone

lonely nights
starry sky
under the moonlight
a relaxing melody
puts my soul at ease
as I collect my thoughts
I throw them onto this paper
a poem I write
about us

when you have nowhere left to go
come to me
I'll hold you in my arms
and let you cry out loud
I'll do it for you
but there was no one to do it for me

I go to sleep
Not cause I’m tired
Not cause I’m sleepy
I just do it
So I don’t have to stay awake

moonlight pranced
upon immaculate sheets.

toasting hallelujahs
to unprecedented adieus.

miraculous orchestra
paraded between
enveloped keepsakes.

scents of yesterday
dissolved under my cavity.

ambitious pungency,
held me hostage,

mourning unreachable memoirs,

      ~within a pathetic presence
                    pleading desperately over

                                    crowded cemeteries.

we built walls
only to see them
crumble and fall
we won battles
only to lose what can not be returned
for eternity

after the battle
the blood was washed away with the rain
the sacrifices were forgotten
their lives became history
and history became a legend
and the legends were forgotten

Conjure the hidden
behind the mist.
Electric in movement,
If I could only freeze this beautiful moment.

this world is not made of
only what you see

am I really me
when I try to be you
I am still me
since you are me
and I want to be you

the sounds of the cars
in this big city
my ears tingling
a cup of coffee
as I write another review
time is slowly passing
my life is slowly fading
eyes are slowly shutting
and no one notices
why would they?
I'm just another person in the crowd

I love black
its the color of my fate
the color of my shadow
the color of your love
the color of my blood

I don't blame you
for abandoning me
nor do I blame me
for feeling pain
nor do I blame this world
for that what it is
I can only blame
time
it was never really on our side
now was it?

when you're lost
who do you turn to
I turn around
and see no one
but myself
yet I have abandoned myself
so why wouldn't you

You too
Must have felt it
When you had nothing to do
No where to go
And no one to talk to
You walked down the stairs
And had a romantic walk to that empty fridge
Waiting for a miracle
Yet the pizza
The cake, juice, wine, chocolate  
Never showed up

It's better to live free from
the memory of love than
to be its prisoner in life.

you are the reason
I don't believe in love
you're all my past that turned into memories
my chocolate
which destroyed my teeth
guess you broke me pretty well

I would die a thousand
deaths before you live
out the rest of your life.

I wish that
I did not know
where all broken lovers go
maybe then I'd have let you go

they just left-
no goodbye-

I awoke,

cold

vibrant words once nestled
drift into hollow memories
visions fade black and white
await the muse
to shine her light.

I am masked
my voice silenced
can you see
cloudy brown eyes
tear cautiously

can you see my pain
confess validated sins
slowly evaporate penance

can you see my soul,
absolved
a muted existence
lay waste

can you see life

spacesuit air
trapped
in isolated cells
of sticky spiky shells

six feet apart
or six feet under

lonely
failing
starving
suffocating
fibrous lungs

of continents
failing functions
spurting spewing
diffidence

migrating hopes
researching milestones
against

introspective exhale
in last days
on a departing
note

for the coming year
to have a fresher breath

let me drown
to the depths of the abyss
let me sink in regret
I have to understand
the crimes I've committed
only then can I truly change

Some people change even faster than you thought them to,
Some people turn out to be fake when you thought them true.
    Some people go from our lives no matter how long they did stay,
And some stay in forever despite being far away.

Papers holding memories
                tucked in the corner
        of yesterday
became an
                    origami daydream
          too weak to fly

Here, take this pen
                and write your name
Now take the pen
            and sign your life away

Didn't they tell you
        this dotted line is a noose
hanging
            from a weeping willow?

Slap the face of a clock
                              and it slows
Steal its hands
                and it sleeps forever.

Sitting, looking out the window,
only me and the darkness
waiting on the Christmas sun.

Wondering what is next to do –
the sun doesn’t fix the solitude.
Maybe I will just go out and run.

Run forever, until I find
the mystery at the edge of the earth,
keep running ‘til I’m done.

Sitting, looking out the window,
only me and the darkness
waiting on the Christmas sun.

Wondering what is next to do –
the sun doesn’t fix the solitude.
Maybe I will just go out and run.

Run forever, until I find
the mystery at the edge of the earth,
keep running ‘til I’m done.

Sharpen my claws,
Awaiting a new challenge,
Harsh words spoken,
Threats issued and promises kept.

Standing with pride,
Victorious after every battle,
Soldiering on-again,
Hearts torn and tears everlasting

every night I went to the cliff
to escape the city
under the stars
there were none of the flashing lights
sirens......
and scents that constantly
threatened to drown me
the cliff was my refuge
the only place I could hide from the world
that wishes I'd stay hidden

they said
why don't you hate him
I know
he didn't want this
even when the world
is cold
I want the heart to not be

"come pray to god"
is what they say  when there's nowhere left to run
you turn to him

gazing at stars
when struggles with
darkness deep down
stretches the night,
I seek counsel,
searching you
amongst the brightest
of lights above.