There was a breach in the system
A leak
Of unimaginable magnitude
- for them.
For me it was inevitable
But I wallowed in my denial
Until the seam tore and all of me spilled out
The shade spread rapidly,
Seeping through each minute
And permeating each day
Until the Professionals drew out a truth
My own ****** honesty clad me in chains
They bound me to life in a way
Inflicting the pains and more strain
I was alive
But with nothing to gain.

Sit pretty
Smile wide
Even though
You're dead inside
Take a breath
And force them down
All your emotions
Till you drown  
Only then will they all see
How picture perfect I could be

I float through memories
Weightless as rocks
I gaze at the darkened skies
Even in the cloudied gloom
I can see the light
I wish on the lonely star
I clench my eyes to conjure my dreams
I return my stare to the skies
The star has moved on.

Orpheus had Eurydice
But then he lost her
He defied the odds
He nearly brought her back
But then his doubts won him over
And once again he was alone
He wept
He withered
He died.
As two became one,
So one became two
And when one faltered
The other took a stand
But then Doubt reappeared
And again the two became one
It wept
It withered
So history repeats

I do not want to be calmed.

I want the storm to continue surging in my head,
spilling surf from my eyes while tremors shake my shoulders.

I crave a continuation of this pure energy, more than I’ve experienced in months.

Let me pulse with the fury and despair simultaneously,
allow this tempestuous tantrum to expand infinitely into the night and beyond,
where rosy fingers announce the dreaded dawn.

But all too soon the quaking subsides and the sobs give way to gaping silence,
leaving behind an emptied crater too deep to fill with equally empty consolations.

So the chasm compounds.

The body submits at last to exhaustion,
and the mind is temporarily muted.

Words of encouragement
Are vaguely detected
but language of hope
is viciously deflected.

It wants to give it all away
To tear off the covers
To change up the play
It hints and suggests
I still try my best
Though the cape is slipping
The tattle tail won't ever
Give it a rest

Brave
Courageous
Loved by all
Only after we fall.
In life we are
Fragile
Depressive
Unstable.
Able to change yet
Unwilling to try
Nobody knows until
The day that you die

Gas? or Gummy worms?
Gas is semi-essential.
Gummy worms are appealing.
Reasoning points to gas.
But between life and death...
Reasoning is nowhere to be seen.

So quickly
From pillar to ruins
A single moment
And the world came toppling down
Suffocating smoke
Abundant ashes
The illusion shattered
Then nothing mattered

Flounder.
Flounder?
I am floundering to write something
Something of worth
A flounder is a fish
And Ariel's best friend
But Flounder isn't a flounder in the movie
Or the television series
What IS he?
Ariel calls him a guppy when he's scared
Or trying to stay locked in his comfort zone
there!
I've abandoned my comfort zone recently
No.
My shell was forcefully removed
In part by my own hand
But mostly not
It was painful
It still is painful
But here I am
And I tied myself into the poem
I did it
Did I?

Take the word 'stretch'
And expand it out a bit;
s t r e t c h
Now a bit more;
s  t  r  e  t  c  h
And once more;
s    t    r    e    t    c    h
Look at the characters
How easily familiar figures
Appear foreign

To die, to sleep, no more.
Ecstasy.
But god forbid
something may come
after death.
Then what?

She gave me a gift
At the time I missed its significance
A simple silver chain    
Bearing a pressed forget-me-not  
I admired the color      
I gave her a hug
I continued with life.
Forget-me-not.
How appropriate.
Had it been planned?
Coming from the one who purposely delayed my birthday cards to prolong the fun
The woman who wrote me riddles and rhymes to elicit giggles
The one that taught me the fragile gift of life through endless monarch butterflies  
The one that taught me how to properly peel Serian cheese
The one that inspired me and encouraged me and well, I thought, loved me.
So had it been planned?
How could I say no?

I'm in class.
Every paper flip
Every cough
Sends me further
Recessing into my mind
I hike the Alps
I visit Mars
Time is called.
My mind is lost in space.

24 hours on four chicken nuggets
And an hour of compiled conversation
A roommate's fit in the middle of the street
She's drunk, screaming for chipotle,
A flailing toddler on the asphalt drive.
Then the mother, worn and wondering
Persuades the child to sit still in the car
Strapped into its seatbelt.
The doors lock
Just in case her courage returns

I told you I'd had it
I told you I'm through
But you knew exactly
What you should do
You listed off names
Of all those that I love
Now how could I possibly
Try and give up?        
You gave me the strength        
You knew that I had
You made my day
So much less bad
I owe you forever
I want you to know
You're always there for me
When I fall below

Never make a promise that you don't intend to keep
Never try to bother me when I'm counting sheep
For you have failed me yet again
So let me dream in peace
Until the day that you can say you truly love your niece

Lying on my stomach
i feel the blood rush through my veins
No  matter what i do
everything seems to be in vain
I try and try not to cry
but tears erupt nonetheless
how can i live when i want to die
blending in with all the rest

The world is an oyster
But it is not mine
I'm only one person
I'm only one mind
I'm only one second
In the concept of time
I really don't matter
It's quite clear to see        
But I matter forever
Since I matter to me

I sit in the dark.
I hear the cricket's lonesome chirp.
I smell the burnt popcorn wafting from my brother's lap.
I hear his sour words of hate
"I hope you die''
On loop until, again, I cry.
Not because of the hateful words.
Not because he meant them.
Not because my mother did not resent them
But just because
I
                Agree.

"Suicide is selfish
Dont be a victim"                    
All a load of
Paradox in a can

Who truly knows    
How it goes?
One day it starts
The feeling only grows

One day I take charge
Only I know
How much to take
To overdose

But remember kids
Suicidals are only
"Selfish victims"
So don't shed a tear
When they are not here

Since day one, I erased the term "can't".
I did or did not.
There was no can't.
Yet here I am.
I need this
And I can't handle it.

I forged an armor from my silence
To protect and deflect from the others
But in shielding myself from these
I was walled away from the world

I denied myself much in my silence
And I lost dear friends through my lies
But now opportunities are sliding
To forge relationships that won't die.

I recognize many of my errors
I know that I have been wrong
Yet still I sit here in silence
As the world around me moves on.

Growing up *****.

Fictional characters
In worlds of their own
Are eager and willing to
Welcome me home
As I reach for a spine    
My own skin tingles          
I can feel our lives
Are ready to mingle        
The delicate pages
Turn gently in hand
In my mind's eye
I can hear the band
The crowds are all rowdy
But brimming with glee
And all, my dear reader,
Are waiting for me.

The screen lights up
So does my world
A simple snap
A brief frame
Reminding me
I am still sane
I can do this
I should try that      
It's hard, I say    
You say it's ok    
The picture fades
I wipe my eyes  
It goes away
Part of me dies

To be or not to be
Is not the real question.
The real question is,
How do we manage
And why?
Why struggle
When we could all
Sit down and give up
Everything?
What keeps us going?
Why do we persevere?
These are the questions
That permeate my mind

All they want is to be there for me
But no matter how I try
All of their good wishes
Only ever make me cry.
I need to be alone I say
I only need a day.
Weeks later they return again
And then they wonder, Why?
They coax and smile their pity grins
Telling me to lift my chin.
Things will get better,
I will move on.
But then again I am already
Gone.

I dressed like you
I spoke like you
I admired you
but then you came home
she was tall
but she was not you
She responded when called
but it could not be true
my sister was caring
And loving
always sharing
But not this girl
this one was
Arrogant
and crude
heartless and rude.
Then my eyes were opened
I saw the truth.
You were no longer the girl
I admired in youth.

It's the simple things that we rush through most
We use manners and niceities
But forget true gratitude.
Today, the concept of peace is simply overwhelming
Yet overwhelmingly simple.
It is the moment of vague clarity
Or the sudden awareness of a changed sameness.
Peaceful minds are content but hardly ever so.
To be ever relaxed is a mere facade
But reflection is essential
And to love and be loved is a gift.
For without the appreciation of the insignificant
How could anyone find tranquility in the significant?

Surrounded and cornered
My eyes searching wildly
Sweat beads upon my lip
I am trapped.
With nowhere left to run,
I freeze.
Slowly,
a
Smile
Plays
Upon
My
Lips.
My captors are taken aback.
What have we missed?
They question.
Now is their turn to feel frantic.
I drop my shoulders.
I lean against the wall.
I draw myself up taller
Taller
And taller yet.
The grimace widens into a grin.
As I defiantly raise my chin.
They search my empty eyes,
Roving for some unknown punch-line.
Finding none, they tense.
Only I,
and I alone,
Can ever control myself.
Nothing they say
Nothing they do
Nothing they threaten
Can ever turn me
Away from myself.
I am my own person
And that,
That
Terrifies them.
Sensing the shift
They turn and flee.
They flee away from
Me.

Smothered in love
Struggling to breathe
All I want
Is for them to leave

They just want to help
Not worsen my life
It's just much more pressure
Which leads to more strife

the pulse that used to encourage me
now vainly reminds me I'm here      
i pass off words of encouragement
that simply deflect off my ears      
I'm so far gone that the ones I love
Now only bring me to tears        
How do i continue to wage this war
and fight off all these years?

My childhood idols have all come and gone
But you I remember like you were a song
No matter how very hard I try
I can't comprehend why you didn't say 'goodbye '
How hard could it have been
To just make ammends
But then you wanted to just be facebook friends                                        
A few hours away yet ten years apart
How could that not hurt your heart?
It damaged mine, as you can see
Don't you ever, EVER almost miss me?
As much as I miss you I just can not say
I love you like I did, back in the day

How many times have I come to this Add Poem page, craving release, a freedom from the overwhelming feelings whipping me about? And how many times have I typed line after line, struggling to make sense of something, anything? It seems as soon as I slow my cathartic typing, all of my feelings prove empty and worthless and crudely scrawled. And I watch as I erase my thoughts, character by character until I return to the intimidating blank screen. I piece myself back together as best as I can and I press on, each time losing hold of yet another fragment of my rapidly dwindling perserverance.

There is another option
                                 And it's still quite taboo
                              But it just might help greatly

                                    Perhaps for even you

                     Or perhaps

            You will lose your mind
         At least what lies remaining
All your thoughts and all your dreams
         Could rapidly start draining
    The memories that you've clung to
          At once flung out the door
    But it truly may not matter much
        
      You won't remember any more

She is my person
When I cry I turn to her
When I want to die I turn to her
She listens and she speaks
Softly, gently, understanding    
When I worsen
She's there for me
She's given me help
She's made me speak
She is strong when I am weak

Once upon a time
I was consumed by passion  
It enveloped me entirely
It spread to those around me

Once upon a time
I was a motivating force
I dried eyes and evoked smiles
I made a difference

Once upon a time
Everything changed

When the glue wears out no amount of tape can ever hold things together the way they once were.  
The love I have been showered with since day one has been nothing more than a facade.
And now it is raining and the frogs are hella loud.

Here's a piece of paper with gold embossing.
Go make something of yourself.
Be what you want.
Fulfill your wildest dreams!
But not that.

I confided in you
I didn't know you for you
Before you were her
But now I can see                                
You are the person I've wanted to be.

How could I know
The troubles below  
You had been so flamboyant
You were struggling
Just like me.                  
                        
Words of encouragement
Lines of support
When I had lost hope
You were there for me

Another day gone
With no sign of relief
Absolutely temporary
But infinite in length
I follow the pattern of the day
But lose myself in the coming of the night
My next new day is still out of sight

Drowsy eyes fight their heavy lids
The plant guts cool the pain                
This brings back memories of us as kids
I will never skip sunscreen again

Storybook skies filled with spinning stars
With a cast of a broken crew
Through lands of fables passing
While all the plots fell through

The friends became the strangers
The memories faded to black
Despite my steadfast resistance
There was no going back

There are no words to describe the loss of family. The moment you wake up and realize that the people you have spent your life with have finally crumbled beneath the pressure. The loss of security and unity and friendship. All anyone can manage is to mask the fracture with a smile. It happens. We aren't anything special. But the weight of acknowledging the shift is frightening and miserable and lonely.

Alone in a world of people
It's easy enough to be.
All you have to do
Is follow after me.
Step back from all the ones you love
And never tell them why.
Avoid contact with all, in fact,
And never say
Goodbye.

I envy the birds of the wind
Casually coasting above all the chaos and confusion
They are the child's innocence
Paired with their wonder and their wiles

Although once lost, you can still see them
You will never be as you've been

Their feet and feathers leave traces
Of what would and could have been
But no matter the collection you amass
You can never be as you've been

For only once you relinquish control
Unto the waxing stars
Can you succumb to honest peace
And learn to live with your scars

Indecision-
It has plagued me for near two decades;
And then, with frivolous concerns.

Which restaurant?
Which color?
What matter?
It doesn't.
It didn't.

And now
Now I am presented with this;
Preserve memory?
Or preserve perseverance?

Many will scoff,
'What use is memory without perseverance?'
Yet what is the point of persevering
Sans memories?

Over the years I've been stripped
Of hopes
Of dreams
Of the very life force that doesn't exist.

Throughout all things,
I've retained my memories.

I am the memories I keep.

My whole being balances for
the songs we sang
the people I've known
the stories I've heard
and the trials I've thrown.

Subtract these and you are left with an emptied carcass
A hollowed branch or
Dry-rotted root;

Others may see their past glory
But the carcass
The branch
The root
Are nothing more that memories

And what are memories
To the memoryless?