i never stop hating you
but some days i hate you a little less
when i think about the “why”
the “why” behind what you did to me
did someone do the same to you? did someone violate you? did someone hurt you?
i’m sorry if they did
why did you decide to infect me with the same sickness?
*** sick *** sick *** sick
*** sick at such a young age
you didn’t even give me a chance
three years i was on this earth
when you decided to corrupt me
three years i was on this earth
when i had my first ******
three years i was on this earth.

you’re on stage singing songs that sound like sunshine now
but will soon sting like scorpions incapable of “sorry”
in the crowd i sway back and forth
pretending you are serenading me
i sleepover at your house so many nights a week
i’ve forgotten the feel of the softness of my own silk bedsheets underneath my skin
and when we have *** you tell me to shut up because the walls in this house are thin and your sister is asleep in the room next to us
so i surrender myself to you in silence
and i always ask you to hold me afterwards but you say that i am too sweaty
when you finally slip into a serene sleep
i sneak out of your bedroom and into your bathroom and i sit on the ceramic tiles and sob, wondering why i always feel so sad after you’re done with me
you’re my silly sweet boy but sometimes you feel like something scary, something that makes my stomach uneasy
like a savage i can never satisfy
like a savior that will never forgive my sins
like an unbalanced somersault of a little kid
[cynical celebrations of sadness]

i am so sick with missing you
my body aches in your absence
all of the loveliness in the world reminds me of you from kind smiles of strangers
to the sweet songs of the birds in the mornings
you’re everywhere
you’re everything

first night i slept over at your house
we couldn't keep our hands off of each other
divine digits dance on my skin
i don't remember it all though i wish i did
i remember sweet sleepy *** and
i woke up at 3:37 that night and i saw glowing orbs i think there were angels outside your window telling me it was okay
telling me i was safe with you